It was raining like a mother fucker on Saturday night and the fireworks were cancelled, so The Fella and I spent the evening on the futon with our heads at either end, giving each other foot rubs and watching a ROSEANNE “Feuds and Fireworks” marathon.

Foot rubs.

I know, right?

Anyway after about 6 hours or so of the Connor clan, we decided to call it a night and hit the sack.  Off to bed we padded, where we shucked our shirts and shorts before crawling into bed and falling asleep holding hands.

No hot, sweaty man-sex — we’d had that twice earlier — just a kiss and drifting off knowing the other was there.

I really think I’ve found The One.

It’s the shit. For realz. Sadly, tonight is a rerun of the first three episodes of the second season. Catch up. Tonight. No excuses.

Michael returns to court to appeal Jana’s no bail ruling. Amber pulls Michael aside and says she thinks everything may be connected to her. “You know I lived in LA before I came here. I was young, I was stupid, I made a lot of mistakes. I had a drug problem, went to rehab. I went through a lot of guys. I did some very not so nice things and I hung out with some people who weren’t very nice and what if one of them is trying to hurt Daniel to get back at me?” When Michael asks her to sit down with him and explain in detail, she balks — she doesn’t want Daniel to find out what a whorish piece of trash she really is.

Daniel begs Kevin to help him steal Balfour’s phone from police lock-up. Fisher tells him no — if he gets arrested one more time, they’ll lock him up and throw the key away. I wish they’d throw the whole lot involved in this lame-ass story in the pokey and throw away the key.

Neil arrives at the Chancellor mansion as Jill is screaming for The Cryptkeeper to quit faking another spell and rushes to the old crone’s side. What the hell is wrong with you, Winters asks a horrified Jill.

Billy goes to the Chancellor estate and finds NuMac sitting by the fountain out back. He tells her he’s come to tell her he’s giving up on the idea of them ever getting back together…

Billy: I can’t change. Who am I kidding? No more begging for a second chance because when I get one I only screw it up anyway.
NuMac: I think we’re both just looking for something that isn’t there any more.

Suddenly Old Boy rushes in telling NuMac they need her help — something is wrong with The Cryptkeeper.

Amber confides in Kevin that she is afraid Daniel may find out about her sleazy past. What’s worse, Kev asks — telling the truth or Daniel winding up behind bars when he’s innocent. I’d say having to watch this shit beats all.

Instead of calling an ambulance, NuMac checks TC’s blood pressure. The crone stammers that she has blurry vision and numbness on her left side. Neil suggests she try lifting her arm but she can’t. Still no one calls an ambulance. Jill says she is responsible for this — their fight started the attack. NuMac says that TC’s blood pressure is high and tells Old Boy to bring his car around. Um, how about an ambulance, you dumbasses! (And a bra for NuMac while you’re getting the stuff that is desperately needed…)

Deafie and Roxanne come downstairs after fucking and run into Tyra in the living room. Roxanne leaves and Tyra rips Deafie for setting a bad example for Little Orphan Ana…

Tyra: We don’t need your approval, Deafie — thank you very much. You know I’ve been thinking and I think it may be time that Neil and I moved in together.
Deafie: Let me tell you something: if you think Neil is ready to play house with you, you’re in for a really big letdown.
Tyra: Why are you so critical of me? What do you have against me?
Deafie: I’m not trying to be mean. I just don’t want to see anyone get hurt…especially Little Orphan Ana. She’s had enough disappointment.
Tyra: She has. But what about me, Deafie. Have you ever stopped to think for one minute what I gave up for her? You cannot tell me that Neil does not care for me.
Deafie: I can tell you that he doesn’t love you. He’ll never love you the way he loved Dru. Her death messed him up. And if Chicken Adobo Karen was the rebound from that, what are you? You’re his rebound from Chicken Adobo Karen! You need to open your eyes and see he’s not going to marry you.
Tyra: Screw you, Deafie. SCREW. YOU.

Deafie leaves and Tyra calls Neil. I really need to talk to you, she whines.

At the hospital, doctor without a border Olivia is examining The Cryptkeeper. She tells the crone that before she can determine whether or not she’s had another stroke, she wants to run some tests. In the hall, Olivia tells Billy that she’s glad he got the old lady there when he did.

Neil goes back to the Chancellor mansion and encourages Jill to go to the hospital and patch things up with The Cryptkeeper.

Olivia tells TC she had a TIA (mini) stroke and she’d like to keep her in the hospital overnight.

NuMac and her ever tragic hair extensions go to the hospital chapel to tell Billy what Olivia found and overhears him asking God to let her be happy.

She is moved and tells Billy that she loves him, always has, and wants to be with him.

The judge sets Jana’s bail at a hundred grand. Michael says he’ll post it. Daniel arrives late and tells Amber he’s got to get that phone. She starts to tell him aboiut her shady past but he has to go in the courtroom. Heather asks the judge to set an immediate trial date.

Roxanne can’t figure out why Deafie is all bent out of shape over Tyra and Neil. I can’t understand why I should be invested in this story.

Tyra tells Neil about her fight with Deafie. When she suggests they move in together, he tells her he isn’t ready for that. Tyra is all pissed off when she hears that. For the love of God — bring back Victoria Rowell already!!!

Kevin manages to turn out the lights in the courtroom, then sneak in and remove the phone from the evidence box which is an the hands of an officer of the court and the guy doesn’t even realize it. Puh. Lease.

Jill goes to the hospital and overhears The Cryptkeeper telling Old Boy she’s glad that she and that bitch are not related. Jill storms off before Old Boy gets her to admit she’s bluffing — she’d take Jill back in a heartbeat if she could.

The next day, Jill tells The Thunder From Down Under about what The Cryptkeeper said. He asks how she’d feel about him if one day she found out he wasn’t really her son.

Lily goes to see Nina and call a truce for The Cryptkeeper’s sake. Nina gets a call telling her the DNA results are in.

Mary Jane/Patti is having a bad day and when she hears that Jack is meeting with The Saint, it just gets worse. She goes to her suite and removes an envelope from a bedside Bible. She opens it to reveal a wedding invitation for Patricia Ann Williams and Jack Abbott.

“Happy anniversary, Jack,” she whispers.

Ha! Told ya so!

At Genoa City Memorial: The Moustache calls in a pediatric specialist…Heather tells Paul she thinks Phyllis may be behind NuSummer’s condition…The Moustache finds Shit For Brains in the hospital chapel and SFB shares the news that The Saint is having Jack’s baby…Jack goes to the chapel and SFB tells him he’s scared — NuSummer could have brain damage.

Paul drops by Mary Jane/Patti’s suite to ask if she’s noticed any odd behavior on Phyllis’s part. I can’t help you, MJ/P screams and slams the door in his face.

The Cryptkeeper returns home to find Nina waiting with the DNA results.

She flies in a panic, searching the room for her pills and asksing Kitty where she’s hidden them. She finds them and downs two, then crawels into bed with Kitty, begging the sawdust filled critter to make it stop, please make it stop.

No-Duh goes to The Saint and whines about how he might lose another sister. Ever the caring mother, Sharon makes the situation about her and tells her son that Jack is the father of her unborn brat. What a bitch.

Lily shows up at Crimson Lights with a copy of the DNA results (guess they just hand the results out to anyone who stops by). “I’m your son,” he smiles as he reads the results. Jill asks him to consider taking the Chancellor name. Later, he calls “Langley” and tells him he’s taken care of things and everything is exactly as he wanted.

Nina refuses to believe the DNA results.

Mary Jane/Patti has a nightmare, in which she is in a wedding dress and reliving catching Jack with Diane Jenkins, discovering he only married her so that his father would name him president of Jabot, and then miscarrying their child.

She relives planning to take her life, but shooting Jack instead.

Back at the hospital: No-Duh tells SFB he’s sorry Jack is the father of The Saint’s baby…Paul asks Nikki if she think Phyllis might be behind NuSummer’s condition. Nikki, who is wearing the fugliest blouse EVER, refuses to believe it…Paul gets a text that the DNA results are in.

Sharon goes to the Abbott mansion where Jack tells her he is having two rooms made into a nursery in case she decides she wants to move back in with him. “I’m not ready for all this togetherness,” the bitch snipes.

Heather marches into NuSummer’s room with Gil Wallace and a restraining order. She tells The Red Menace that she will not be allowed near NuSummer and Phyllis goes fucking ape. Wallace leads the hysterical mother out of the room and tells her that she needs to go home. Once again, Michelle Stafford knocks it out of the park with another gut wrenching performance. Give this woman an Emmy already. Hell, give her two!

Heather adds that Phyllis needs to make herself available for questioning. A tearful Phyllis begs Nikki and The Moustache to stay by NuSummer’s side in case she wakes up. They promise they’ll stay. Melody Scott Thomas totally plays this shit for all it’s worth — how can the show be stupid enough to let her go? If they need to cut corners to afford her, may I suggest they get rid of Amber, Daniel, Tyra, Little Orphan Ana, Heather, Gil Wallace, and that ghastly NuAdam who is SOOOOO not working for me? Trust me when I say that losing Nikki will be one hell of a blow to this show.

Mary Jane/Patti’s dream continues as The Saint makes a guest appearance, rubbing her distended gut and telling MJ/P that Jack is hers and he is going to help her raise their baby.

Mary Jane/Patti wakes up. “You are going to love me, Jack…and this time there won’t be other women,” she says. “You’re going to be all mine…”

Dirk Mancuso Wicked Awesome Storyline Prediction #1: Having gotten The Red Menace out of the way with this Munchhausen’s By Proxy scheme, Mary Jane/Patti will team up with NuAdam to substitute The Saint’s baby with Gashley’s phantom fetus (Dr. Taylor will be blackmailed into producing a dead baby for the switch). A devastated Saint will despair that this is her punishment for being a whore and pull away from Jack who Mary Jane/Patti will move in on. Later, Gashley’s “daughter” will experience a medical scare requiring a transplant of sorts and NuSummer will be tested only to have the results show that she shares no common DNA with Hope/Faith…because NuSummer is Jack’s daughter. Called it. Make a note. Tell me what a genius I am later. Or better yet, just make me head-writer.

Nina goes to Phillip’s grave and laments the fact she may never know who her husband was. Why can’t I accept that this person Cane is Phillip, she muses aloud. “Because you’re right — he may not be,” Paul says, taking a seat beside Nina. “I just talked to the tech at the lab — there’s something wrong with Cane’s blood test…”

Michael goes to the hospital to tell Nikki and The Moustache that NuSummer is in the temporary custody of the county. The Moustache pronounces that unacceptable and tells Baldwin to find a way to have a judge appoint himself and Nikki the child’s guardians until this shit is cleared up. Michael scurries off to do his Master’s bidding and The Moustache takes a sobbing Nikki into his arms to comfort her.

Oh, yeah — they are so meant to be together.

Aucker shows up Crimson Lights with a search warrant and tells the Scooby gang he’s there to search the premises for Balfour’s missing cell phone which was stolen from police custody at the courthouse the previous night (or something to that effect — I tend to doze off during this shit.)

At the Chancellor Fourth of July barbecue: Billy and NuMac decide to keep their renewed declarations of love a secret for now…Lily and The Thunder From Down Under show up with dessert…TTFDU asks Jill and The Cryptkeeper to call a truce…At Phillip’s grave, Paul tells Nina that while the blood sample was a DNA match for Jill, additional testing showed that the red blood cells had broken apart — because it had been frozen. 

Back at the barbecue: Jill is thrilled to hear that her sons bonded over a game of hoops…NuMac excuses herself to deliver some hot dog buns to the shelter…Neil stops by…TTFDU proposes a toast to The Cryptkeeper…Billy sneaks…Paul urges Nina to hold off saying anything until they have more evidence but she ain’t havin’ none of that. “I’m not going to let that creep enjoy another minute of Phillip’s life!” she declares as she races off…Lily tells TTFDU how lucky she is to have such a wonderful husband about three seconds before Nina comes racing in. ”Where did the blood come from, Thunder From Down Under? The blood you gave them for the DNA test — where did it come from?”

Daniel agrees to go with Aucker to take a polygraph to prove his innocence.

Michael returns with an order from the court granting The Moustache and Nikki temporary custody. Michael goes to tell SFB and Phyllis the good news.

All hell is breaking loose at the Chancellor barbecue…

Jill: Nina, you have got to get off of this crusade you’re on. You just can’t stand it that you’re wrong!
Nina: I’m not wrong — the blood they tested was from your son but it wasn’t from The Thunder From Down Under! Additional testing of the blood showed that it had been frozen!
Jill: You lying bitch!

Lily: Thunder From Down Under, tell them this isn’t true.
Nina: He can’t, Lily…
Lily: Shut. Up. There has to be an explanation for this…
Nina: There is an explanation — he’s a fake.
The Cryptkeeper: If you have something to say, Cane, you need to speak up now.

Nikki tells The Moustache that she thinks she would be better equipped to take NuSummer with her what with all the shit going on at the ranch with Gashley, NuAdam, etc. He tells the ex-stripper that he thinks she’s right — NuSummer can go with her. (Huh? What? Someone other than The Moustache was right? What’s going on? Is up now down? Is black the new white? Somebody help me here…) The Moustache gives his ex another hug. Jesus — he so wants to tap that again.

Having ditched the barbecue (they’re regret that later), Billy and NuMac meet each other in his suite at the GCAC for some fuckery.

Daniel returns to Crimson Lights and tells the rest of the Scooby gang that he passed his polygraph. Kevin serves up some celebratory cake…with the phone inside. Smooth move, Kev — did it ever cross your mind that the Feds are watching your ugly asses? Goddamn, you are a bunch of tools.

Back to the barbecue one last time…

TTFDU: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Lily: Thunder From Down Under, no…
The Cryptkeeper: What are you saying?
Jill: No — don’t say it…this isn’t true. It can’t be.
TTFDU: It’s true. I’m not your son. I’m not Phillip Chancellor III. I’m sorry…
Lily: If you aren’t Phillip, then who are you?
Nina: He’s a lying bastard who couldn’t care less who he hurts.
TTFDU: That’s not true…you don’t understand…
Nina: Oh, I understand perfectly. I’m calling the cops.

TTFDU:No, no, no. Listen to me,please — I need you to listen to me. I idn’t do any of this out of malice…
Nina: Oh bull! You’re a con artist. What were you after — the Chancellor fortune?
TTFDU: This had nothing to do with money and I promise you I never meant to hurt any of you. I did this to heal you. And I meant it when I said I love you…that you’ve become family to me. I would never do anything to hurt you. Never…
Lily: You love us? I don’t even know who you are! You have lied to me for years!

Neil: You son-of-a-bitch! You’re going to pay for this, Thunder From Down Under – you’re going to pay for this.
Jill: How could you do this? Look at me. LOOK AT ME! How could you pretend to be my son? How?!?!
TTFDU: I’m sorry..
The Cryptkeeper: How could you do this, young man? How could you do this to all these people who have shown you nothing but kindness since you have entered into their lives?

The Thunder From Down Under stands there looking dumber than ever when a voice speaks up from behind everyone. “He didn’t do it.” Everyone turns.

It’s Phillip Chancellor III!

Holy shitstorm, kids.

Dirk Mancuso Wicked Awesome Storyline Prediction #2: Phillip will reveal that he faked his own death because he was caught in a shame spiral of alcoholism spurred by his inner battle to deny his homosexuality. Jill and The Cryptkeeper will accept his gayness but not his methods and Phillip will hang around, eventually striking up a relationship with Gay Rafe after the legal ‘mo is crushed to learn that NuAdam is playing him.

The action picks up in NuAdam’s room as he continues shedding the gay vibe to throw Gay Rafe off his trail…

NuAdam: This is crazy — I should shut up. I’m just some client.
Gay Rafe: You’re not just a client, NuAdam. We’re friends.
NuAdam: Friends. Right. I never should’ve said anything…
Gay Rafe: So why did you?
NuAdam: When I first got to Genoa City…I was that guy that everybody looked at sideways, suspicious, and then the thought of you thinking bad of me…it just…it it just hit me that I could take it from anyone but not you.

NuAdam: I’m an idiot. We can forget this.
Gay Rafe: No…we can’t…

NuMac is still reeling from the news that Billy fucked The Saint and Chloe is revelling in her rival’s confusion. “Don’t worry,” Mrs. Billy Abbott smiles, “Billy’s not the only potential baby-daddy so should we just hang out and wait for the results and then you two can get back to whatever it is you were doing…?” NuMac asks Billy if what Chloe is saying is true. It was an accident, Billy says. “Yes, he tripped and fell on top of her while she was naked,” Chloe adds. NuMac storms out.

Jack is all over Mary Jane/Patti but she puts the brakes on and tells him she doesn’t want to be a diversion to take his mind off whatever is bothering him. Mary Jane/Patti tells him that he takes care of too many people instead of himself but she has a feeling that there’ll be one less when Phyllis reunites with Shit For Brains. Ain’t gonna happen, Jack replies. “They just need a reason…a little nudge and the magic could happen again,” the whack-a-doodle smiles.

Back in the chapel, you-know-who’s on her knees again…

The Saint: I know I have no right to ask after all you’ve done — you’ve made my baby a happy baby girl and you made Shit For Brains her father. That means that Cassie was right – her father and I would have a baby girl again one day. That was Cassie’s last gift to us — it was Your gift. This is a sign, a sign that Nick and I are meant to be together. And I know it won’t be easy, but we’ll make it because of Cassie, because of this baby.

She gets up and holds her gut.

The Saint: Shit For Brains, where are you? I can’t wait to see the look on your face when I tell you how wonderful our life is going to be.

At that very moment, Shit For Brains is arriving at the emergency room where The Red Menace tells him that NuSummer is in a coma. (Mad props to the kid playing NuSummer — she plays coma really good.) Shit For Brains flashes back to Cassie. Phyllis urges the dickhead to talk to his daughter, to try and reach her.

Back in the chapel, The Saint is on her knees again…

The Saint: Oh Cassie, it’s a miracle! Your dad and I — we’re a family again. We’re getting a house and in my heart …baby, in my heart, there is a room there for you. For you and No-Duh and me and your baby sister Faith and your dad.

The Saint suddenly realizes her hunka hunka burnin’ love isn’t there yet. She checks her phone and finds a missed call from SFB telling her that NuSummer has been taken to the hospital suffering from anaphylactic shock.

SFB calls The Moustache with the news about NuSummer. The patriarchal dick-smack can’t be bothered to even go lend his support because there’s nothing he can do and he needs to take care of Gashley and her phantom fetus. Nice.

Chloe rips Billy a new one for his cavalier attitude towards the results of the paternity test. “What are you, Billy — a daddy, an uncle, or just one lucky SOB?” Billy tells her that she is a total bitch who enjoys trashing his life and then twists the knife by telling her that NuMac broke off her engagement to Raul. “So what are you going to do, Billy? Chase after her or stick around and see if you’re a daddy again?” a devastated Chloe asks. Billy walks out the door.

The Saint peeks in the window to NuSummer’s room and sees SFB comforting Phyllis.

She races off for the chapel to ask God to strike Phyllis and that brat with lightning so that the path to SFB is clear for her once again.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch in NuAdam’s room, the stink of gay sex is still fresh in the air as NuAdam buttons his shirt and Gay Rafe adjusts his tie and puts on his suit jacket…

Gay Rafe: You’re quiet. I can go…or I can stay.
NuAdam: You should probably go…my father…
Gay Rafe: Look NuAdam, I know you have Heather and the world probably sees you in a certain way so if you’re feeling at all confused…
NuAdam: I’m fine, I’m fine.

Gay Rafe leaves and NuAdam calls Heather, telling her he needs her now.

Guess who’s back on her knees in the chapel again? (You know if you’d spent this much time on your knees instead of your back, you wouldn’t be in this mess, Sharon…)

The Saint gets all pissy with God saying she thought her spawn was His blessing on them. Phyllis said it would destroy Shit For Brains if I make him choose, she mewls. She stands and puts a paw on her tummy.

“I feel you, I know you’re there. You’re sister NuSummer will be okay. She will,” The Saint babbles. “Oh, this isn’t karma, is it?”

Fuck — maybe it is. Back to her knees and white knuckling it.

“No child should have to suffer because Shit For Brains and I found our way back together. It was an accident, just an accident. The doctors will be able to help her. But how do I help SFB? It just kills me to see him suffer. How do I erase the pain in his eyes. Just show me what to do…show me how to ghelp him! I’ll do whatever it takes…”

As long as whatever it takes means you get your way, right Sharon?

NuSummer is taken for tests. The Red Menace blames herself for NuSummer’s condition and says she knows SFB hates her. SFB says he won’t let her push him away and takes her in his arms. The Saint peers in the window once again. Fuck! She was all contrite and shit — what does God want from her?

Heather shows up at the ranch where a freshly showered NuAdam grabs her and plants a forceful kiss on her. He fucks her to try and erase the gay sex he just had with Gay Rafe from his mind.

After they fuck, Heather puts her clothes back on and heads back to work. In a skirt. Without even showering. What a fucking pig. I’m sure that shit smells nice.

The Moustache calls Mary Jane/Patti and gets her voicemail. He tells Gashley he has business to attend to and leaves.

Jack shows up at Jimmy’s where he joins Billy at the bar for a drink. Jack lectures his little bro about his continuing role as the bumbling fuck-up. Time to change your course, Jack says, because the bumbling part will fade away and you’ll just be a fuck-up.

The Saint goes to SFB who tells her that NuSummer is in a coma. Oh enough about that — what about the paternity results?

“I waited for you and then I got your message so I didn’t look. All that matters right now is NuSummer…,” Her High Holiness sighs.  But you waited so long for those, dumbass replies.  “This is all there is right now: you and Phyllis. And your daughter…” NuSummer is wheeled into her room and SFB reluctantly leaves his whore to see how his daughter is. The Saint blows him a kiss.

The doctor tells SFB and Phyllis that the tests show that they can’t rule out some sort of brain damage.

NuMac tells Chloe that she didn’t chase Billy — he came to her. Whatever. Chloe calls NuMac  out on jerking Billy and Raul around while she decides what she wants. “I look at Billy and see all his foibles and I still love him. You love him because you think you can make him a better person. You want to change him. And I don’t get it because if you’re so smart you’d know that’s just not the way love is,” Chloe tells her. Oh snap!

Gay Rafe calls NuAdam…

Gay Rafe: Hey it’s Gay Rafe.
NuAdam: Hi.
Gay Rafe: How you doing?
NuAdam: Fine.
Gay Rafe: That wasn’t very convincing and I think it might be my fault. You know what I said earlier — I was just trying to give you room, NuAdam — but it may have off as sounding detached and what I didn’t say, the feeling you talked about…I feel that way, too…

LOL. That’ll learn you to fuck a hot bottom when you don’t mean it, NuAdam.

The Moustache lets himself into Mary Jane/Patti’s room where he discovers Kitty. He waves his hand in front of the taxidermied cat’s face and then realizes it isn’t real. How feeble are you, Victor?

The Saint marches into Jimmy’s. Seconds later, Mary Jane/Patti skulks in and takes a seat in the shadows…

The Saint: I knew that you would be here, Jack…looking for Billy because you are a really good brother to him and you’re going to be a wonderful father.
Jack: Wait, you mean the baby…he’s…?

The Saint: She’s. It’s a baby girl. And you’re her father.

These are people’s lives and emotions you are fucking with, Sharon. God, you are a despicable cunt.

A new day dawns in Genoa City: Nikki, Paul, and Victor finally have the decency to show up at the hospital to check on NuSummer…The Saint tells Jack about NuSummer…Jill is livid when The Cryptkeeper voices her concern that Nina may be right and the real Phillip Chancellor III is still wandering somewhere out there…The Thunder From Down Under pockets the vial of “Langley”s blood and makes a call to someone telling them to have Langley call as soon as he gets his message — it’s an emergency. Lily enters and overhears the call. TTFDU continues his winning streak in the “fucking loser that sucks at acting” competition when he leaves the cell phone on the counter and Lily picks it up. She checks all the outgoing calls. “They’re all to Langley,” she of the tragic bangs mutters.

The Moustache is pissed off when Mary Jane/Patti shows up at the hospital to comfort her pal, Phyllis. Later, he gets a disturbing text message.

Nina meets Neil at Crimson Lights and shares her theory that TTFDU is involved in the disappearance of Phillip’s body. Nina tells Winters that there were two DNA tests to prove the validity of his claim that TTFDU was Jill’s son and suggests Neil look out for Lily. Neil defends his special needs son-in-law.

Lily and TTFDU go to the Chancellor mansion. Lily asks Jill what she knows about the mysterious Uncle Langley and mentions that TTFDU has made about 40 calls to him from his cell.

Michael comforts Phyllis who tells her pal that if something happens to NuSummer, she’ll have nothing — no husband, no child. What will she do?…Paul asks SFB why Mary Jane/Patti is there…Nikki notices that The Moustache is gone.

Meanwhile at Jimmy’s, Jeffrey is telling The Moustache that he’s got the goods on him where Mary Jane/Patti is concerned…

Jeffrey: I imagine if Gashley saw this pic, she’d want your head on a spike.
The Moustache: Why would she see the photo?
Jeffrey: You think I’m bluffing? That your little secret is safe? You know, you really shouldn’t trust a woman like Mary Jane. She and I had a nice little chat…she opened up to me.
The Moustache: You don’t seem to be her type…
Jeffrey: You’re right — I don’t have to pay for it.
The Moustache: What are you trying to say?
Jeffrey: Hey, I got no problem with it if you want to spend your money on high class hookers and boost the local economy, but I’m guessing your pregnant girlfriend is going to see it a little differently…
The Moustache (turning to walk away): You’ve made a serious error in judgement.
Jeffrey: Don’t go just yet — you haven’t heard my terms.
The Moustache: Your terms?
Jeffrey: I’d let the whole thing slide but you know my financial situation — in fact, you created my financial situation — so here’s how it’s going to work: you remburse me and Gloria and Jill every peeny we lost when you pulled out of that bank in the Caymans and in return you get your picture and your privacy. Fair enough?
The Moustache: THIS is how it’s going to happen: you take your decaying body and slink back into the swamp you came from. This conversation never happened.
Jeffrey: Yeahhhhhhhh, but what about the conversation I’m going to have with Gashley? It won’t be so easy for you to forget that one, will it?
The Moustache: You really don’t know who you’re dealing with, do you?

The Moustache turns and saunters for the door. On his way out, he stops by a table where Gloria is hiding behind a magazine. “You picked the wrong side,” he tells her and then leaves. Gloria pisses herself.

At the Abbott mansion, Jack is puzzled why Sharon hasn’t told SFB that ain’t her baby daddy. He’s going through enough now, she whines. Jack suggests they go to the hospital and show their support. Okay, The Saint says, but I’m staying in the chapel so I don’t upset Phyllis at this difficult time. Oh — NOW you show a little fucking concern for others. Bitch. Jack assures the semen ashtray that he won’t tell SFB about the paternity results — that’s her place.

Or Phyllis’s…because Mary Jane/Patti has just busted her ass to get to The Red Menace and tell her that Jack is the baby daddy.

The drama is off the hook at the Chancellor mansion: Nina shows to witness the drawing of TTFDU’s blood for the DNA test. TTFDU wants to do have it done in private but Ms. Webster ain’t budging…The Moustache shows up and tells Jill they need to speak. NOW…Lily rips Nina for demanding that her precious husband prove once again that he’s the real Phillip. Nina tells America’s Former Next Top Model that she was conned by a guy named David Kimbel and can smell a con. The Cryptkeeper holds her head and tells everyone to stop arguing. TTFDU says they are upsetting The Cryptkeeper and while the two women comfort the crone (and the nurse wanders over to a table to do some paperwork, he uses the distraction to “accidentally” knock the vial of his blood to the floor and switches the vials of blood when he picks it up.

Here, he says, handing it to the nurse. “Hey! What are you doing?” Nina shrieks. “You shouldn’t be touching that!” TTFDU ignores her and comforts his “grandma.” Nina is clearly suspicious. Thank God someone in Genoa City has some smarts.

Mary Jane/Patti sneaks into NuSummer’s room and apologizes for things getting out of hand. “This was just supposed to be a little distraction to keep mommy away from Jack,” MJ/P says, “and it didn’t even work. Jack just keeps hanging around. So we’re just going to have to figure out something else to send mommy far, far away…”

The Moustache tells Jill to call Jeffrey off. Jill insists she has no clue what Jeffrey is up to or what he has on the all powerful Victor Newman, but she might be prevailed to intervene if there were something in it for her. Something like a job at Newman Enterprises. The Moustache tells her to forget it.

Back at the hospital: Heather runs into Phyllis while looking for Paul. She mentions she saw SFB on the phone and Phyllis flips out at the thought it might have been Sharon. Later, she witnesses an exchange between the estranged spouses…

Phyllis: You promised me last night that for once you would put our daughter first.
Shit For Brains: I was just leaving a message. I haven’t heard from her all day. I was worried something might have happened with the baby — that’s it.
Phyllis: Her baby? Her baby? Shit For Brains, it’s not even yours.
Shit For Brains: What?!?!?!
Phyllis: It’s not even yours — it’s Jack’s. The test proved it. It’s over.

Just then Jack approaches. SFB asks where The Saint is. In the chapel, Abbott replies. SFB tears out to find his whore. Meanwhile, Jack takes a distraught Phyllis in his arms. Mary Jane/ Patti exits NuSummer’s room just in time to see this and she ain’t happy.

Paul shows Nina a list of people who had anything to do with Phillip the night he died and tells her talked to all of them except for one. He hands her a photo of the man he couldn’t find. “It’s the cop that rode in the ambulance with Phillip,” Nina says. Paul says he quit the force and moved away but not to worry — he’s already looking for the guy. That should be a great comfort to Nina coming from a man who doesn’t even know when he’s talking to his own sister. Sigh.

A scared shitless Gloria tells Jeffrey that one of the most powerful men in the world wants them dead.

Mary Jane/Patti sees Heather and plays the bitch like a fiddle…

Mary Jane/Patti (turning her back to Heather and talking out loud): Oh, you poor sweet baby. I should’ve done something, but I didn’t want to believe your own mother would do something like that…
Heather: Like what?
Mary Jane/Patti: Uh…
Heather: Were you talking about Phyllis?
Mary Jane/Patti: No…I, I didn’t know someone was standing right there. Do you know Phyllis?
Heather: Yes. I’m Paul Williams’ daughter.
Mary Jane/Patti: The assistant D.A.
Heather: What is it you think Phyllis did?

Mary Jane/Patti: I shouldn’t say anything, because I can’t be sure –
Heather: If you think Phyllis did something to hurt NuSummer…
Mary Jane/Patti: She couldn’t have known it would be this bad. She just wanted to get Shit For Brains’ attention, that’s all…

Shit For Brains goes to the chapel looking for The Saint and remembers Cassie’s dying prophecy that he and Sharon would have another daughter someday. He tells God He can’t be so cruel as to take Cassie, NuSummer, and The Saint’s unborn fetus from him. Give me sign, he whispers. Enter The Saint…

Shit For Brains: I heard. Jack’s the father.
The Saint: I wish he hadn’t told you.
Shit for Brains: Is it true?
The Saint: Let’s not talk about that right now.
Shit For Brains: I can’t take this.
The Saint: Let’s get your focus where it belongs…
Shit For Brains: I really believed that baby was mine.
The Saint: I know that. If you let Phyllis down like you did me, it will destroy you and you’ll never get over that. I want to spare you that…so go to her.Please.
Shit For Brains: It’s a girl, isn’t it?
The Saint: Yes. But it’s not your girl. I’m sorry, Shit For Brains…I’m sorry.

Jill tells The Cryptkeeper as soon as they get the results from the DNA tests they will have seen the last of Nina Webster. I don’t feel well, The Cryptkeeper says. “Don’t give me that,” Jill hisses, “I’ve got something to say and you’re going to listen…” Jill demands to know The Cryptkeeper hates her so much. The crone tells Jill that despite the fact she’s has given her every reason to do so, she doesn’t hate her. Suddenly The Cryptkeeper’s head begins to hurt and her vision blurs. She collapses onto the sofa, holding her left arm.  “You’re not going to fake an attack so you don’t have to listen to what I have to say!” Jill shrieks.

Mary Jane/Patti returns to her room and finds The Moustache waiting there. She tells him things with Jack are much improved. “Good,” he replies. “I wouldn’t want history to repeat itself…” He pulls back a sofa cushion to reveal Kitty. MJ/P looks a lil nervous.

Heather calls her office and asks them to get her everything they have on Munchhausen’s By Proxy syndrome…

Since it’s a holiday weekend and most folks have plans of some sort, I’m kicking off the weekend festiviities a bit early with this week’s edition of Man Candy Saturday on Friday. The Y&R recaps will appear as usual (and let me tell you that things are hoppin’ in Genoa City this week!) and the Pride 2009 wrap-up will appear next week. Now let’s get down to business…

Today’s Man Candy is Agim Kaba who plays (or played — I have trouble keeping up with things over in Oakdale the way head-writer Jean Passante races through story and writes characters in and out) uber sexy dim bulb Aaron Snyder on CBS’s AS THE WORLD TURNS.

Mmmmmm — Dirk likey.

Since neither of us had ever attended a Pride event (but mostly because my beloved Debbie Gibson was performing), The Fella and I decided it was high time we joined our fellow faggots in a celebration of all things super-gay. So he made the arrangements and it was off to the big gay city for a weekend of frilly fun and frou-frou frolicking.

Now one of the weirdest things I’ve discovered about The Fella and I as a couple is that whenever we stay in a hotel, we get horny. Exceptionally horny. The kind of horny where the second we get to our room we fuck for an hour until we collapse in a hot sweaty heap followed by a foray to the nearest restaurant to appease our ravenous appetites before we go back to the hotel and fuck some more.

The only problem was that when we went into this particular room, I thought the ten ton door had slammed shut on its own.

It hadn’t.

No, our door was equipped with one of those big brass security guard things and when we entered, the arm somehow flipped open and prevented the door from closing.

Under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t be such a big deal.

But again, we were big with the horny and before you could say blow-job, our clothes were hanging off the lamp shade and we were going at it pretty fast and furious, each of us unable to get enough of the other. I can’t be sure how much time had passed or how many of the various sexual positions we’d sampled when it happened.

There we were, Tristan flat on his back and me ridin’ cowboy on his seven and half inches when housekeeping passed by, and seeing the door ajar, opened it to see what — if anything — was amiss.

“Fuck!” The Fella hissed.

“Mmm-hmmm,” I replied, eyes closed and not missing a beat.

“Dirk.” His voice took on a more insistent air, his finger jabbing my chest.

I opened my eyes and turned to follow his wide eyed gaze to the member of housekeeping frozen in place at the foot of the bed. Suffice it to say, I think that poor woman is probably still traumatized (not to mention snow-blind) from the sight of my fish belly white backside grinding away on my uber hawt boyfriend’s member. I paused for a moment, not sure if I should or even could pull off The Fella’s turgid pole.

“Oh…oh…sorry…,” the woman mumbled, supressing a smile as she lowered her eyes and quickly spun on her heel and fled. Seconds later, we heard the click of the door shutting behind her.

Alone once more, we both finished — the interruption seemed only to increase our horniness, a troubling development to be delved into another time —  amidst a gale of laughter. And while the orgasm was definitely amongst our most memorable, the remainder of the day was tainted by a the fear that management would ask us to leave the second they saw us passing the front desk.

But that was all forgotten after the earth shattering events of the following day…

TO BE CONTINUED

Lola: I want you to stop calling Tristan your “boyfriend.”
Dirk: Why? That’s what he is…
Lola: No, he’s not. He’s a boy and he’s your friend but he’s not your “boyfriend.” That’s something altogether different.
Dirk: So I should call him my “fuck buddy”?
Lola (wincing and shaking her head): Oh for Christ’s sake — NO!
Dirk: Then what should I call him?
Lola: Call him Tristan. He isn’t your boyfriend. You guys are just… (thinks a  moment before making simultaneous “wax on, wax off” gestures) …”palling around.”
Dirk (making simultaneous “wax on, wax off” gestures): “Palling around”?
Lola: Yeah.
Dirk: So is that code for sucking each other’s cock?
Lola: I should’ve used a coat hanger on you when I had the chance.

..and I itch like a mother fucker.

So because I cannot concentrate on anything but making the infernal itching stop (fuck you Calamine lotion, Calagel, Ivarest, and Benadryl for promising relief and then welching on that!), I suggest you read this much loved post from the past.

Sorry — wrong post. I meant this one.

God, I hope this shit doesn’t get on my dick.

It’s been a whirlwind weekend, everybody (hence the Y&R recap running a bit late yesterday, Ed and Catrina – sheesh!) so whilst I get my bearings and prepare a post about Pride, let’s see what’s on my mind…

~ TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his Florida home yesterday at age 50. First the King of Pop (age 50) and now the King of TV PItchman (also age 50) — who is next?

~ I can’t believe it’s almost July.

~ I read the first Sookie Stackhouse novel — DEAD UNTIL DARK — over the weekend and now I’m hooked.

~ Noodles and Company. I could eat there every fucking day and never get tired of it.

~ Is anyone else anxiously awaiting the premiere of BRUNO as much as I am?

~ Two weeks until the next new episode of TRUE BLOOD? Aarrrrrrrgh.

~ Lunch with Tremulous Cameo today. Can. NOT. Wait.

That’s it, kids — have a great day!

The role of Adam will now be played by Michael Muhney. 

NuAdam tells Heather that lame ass story about being cornea raped with hypodermic needles in prison and like everybody else she buys it. What is in the water in Genoa City?

Heather tells NuAdam that she loves him and wants a life with him. They kiss. Shit — there goes the pocket Newman shtick.

At Crimson Lights: No-Duh approaches gay Rafe about helping him become an emancipated minor…Nikki tells J.T. and Vicboria that she believes Adam, not Estella, is behind gaslighting Ashley and she’s going to prove it.

Mary Jane/Patti tells that creepy fucking Kitty that she and Jack are soul mates. “Sometimes men just need a little nudging,” she coos.

Jack arrives and Mary Jane/Patti hides one “kitty” so she can reveal another. Um, nice body, Pat.

At the courthouse, Nikki tells Gashley that she thinks NuAdam is behind all the Lurch shit, but dumbass Gashley ain’t buying it.

At the GCAC, The Saint shares her excitement about the new house Shit For Brains is buying for her and the wicked cool doily she’s wearing with No-Duh.

The punk tells his mommy and daddy that he’s sick of their juvenile revolving partners shit and is filing for emancipation. The Saint’s head nearly explodes as she tries to wrap her mind around a five syllable word.

Post coitus, Heather rolls on her side to avoid the wet spot while NuAdam tells her how much he loves her and how grateful he is for her loyalty to him. When Vail Bloom looks like a master thespian next to you, you know you are a bad actor.

The Moustache calls Vicboria to the ranch and offers to let her rebuild the Newman art collection that he gave away after Lurch’s death. Oh for fuck’s sake — every time I think the art shit is behind us, it rears it’s stupid boring head. (And what the fuck is with that fugly blouse on Moustacha?)

While Vicboria goes off to get some numbers for her numerous contacts in the art world (you have no idea how much it hurts me to type that), J.T. and The Moustache discuss Estella. The matter of Mary Jane/Patti being onthe gorunds comes up and J.T. calls the front gate to find out how often MJ/P has been visiting the property. Numerous times security tells him. The Moustache says he’ll take things from here.

After Jack leaves, Mary Jane/Patti tells Kitty that it’s happening — now she has to take it slow until he realizes he can’t live without her.

No-Duh tells his parents they’re too screwed up to run their own lives, let alone his. Jack passes by and ovrhearing the boy, asks for a moment alone with him. No-Duh tells his former step-daddy that his parents are flakes and just because they’re in love doesn’t give them carte blanch to ruin so many lives. 

Estella is released on a bond of five grand and with strict orders to stay away from the Newmans and the ranch. Gashley confronts her afterwards…

Gashley: Estella, you might be free for now but don’t you try anything! I’m on to you!

NuAdam eavesdrops as The Moustache makes a call and arranges to meet someone in the gardens behind the house.

At Crimson Lights, Vicboria tells J.T. that she’s already working on rebuilding the Newman art collection and her first acquisition will be a Jeff Koons painting that Lurch loved. Let us review everything wrong with the previous sentence: Vicboria…J.T….Newman art collection…Jeff Koons…Lurch. Jesus, either bring back Heather Tom or get rid of the character already.

Vicboria makes a call regarding that fabulous Koons thing and is put on hold. Cut to the guy from the other day handing his boss (and the guy behind that stoopid Daniel fiasco) the phone. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

The Moustache is in the garden when Mary Jane/Patti arrives for the meeting he called…

The Moustache: You’ve been breaking the boundaries in the past — I’m afraid you’re doing it again. You’ve been wandering on my property and you’ve insinuated yourself in my family and you stabbed me in the back. Do you think you’re going to get away with that?

Nikki tells Gay Rafe that she thinks NuAdam is behind everything going on at the ranch. She fills him in on the lie about Gashley being with Jack during the storm and Lurch’s voice coming out of his computer. You defended Adam in that forgery case,” Nikki says, “Do you really think it’s not possible he wouldn’t gaslight Gashley to serve his pwn purposes.

NuAdam is skulking behind some bushes (in broad daylight!!!) as The Moustache accuses Mary Jane/Patti of vandalizing the statue of Lurch and Lil Peanut Newman…

Mary Jane/Patti: Why would I do something like that?
The Moustache: Mary Jane, you listen to me — I brought you here for one reason and one reason only. You keep your eye on Jack Abbott and that’s all you do. Got it?

Jack asks No-Duh to think about things before taking any action. The teen agrees and leaves. Jack goes over to tell SFB and The Saint that he’s talked their spawn into giving them a little time to get their shit together. The Saint, being all concerned about others and shit, tells Jack that the paternity results are in. Jack proves he’s the bigger man by telling the whore that he hopes the baby is NSFB’s since that is what she wants. The semen ashtray is shocked he isn’t fighting for her glorious hand once more.

NuSummer visits the RESTLESS STYLE offices with a fugly bracelet she made for The Red Menace at camp. The kid reaches for some cookies on Phyllis’s desk causing Big Red to flip out, snatching the snacks from the kid’s paws and reminding her that she is allergic to peanuts so they have to be very careful. And look — these cookies are chock full o’ the peanutty goodness!

Mary Jane/Patti is very interested to hear of  NuSummer’s allergy.

SFB tells The Saint that it is so fucking awesome that they are getting the results today as it is the anniversary of the first time he asked her to marry him. Her High Holiness creams her panties at how the stars are aligning and the clouds are particularly fluffy.

NuAdam tells The Moustache he heard him talking to someone in the garden under his window earlier. “Youmustbe…mistaken,” Big Daddy mumble-slur replies.

Billy sends NuMac a text calling her to his room at the GCAC. When she gets there, she discovers dinner waiting for the two of them.

The former lovebirds discuss their humanitarian work in Darfur and in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Whatever. After that boring exchange, NuMac drops the bombshell that she’s ended her engagement to Raul.

SFB and The Saint take a few milliseconds to feel bad that they are such callow fuck-knuckles who are hurting so many people with their selfish actions, then get back to the really important stuff: how awesome they are and how much they deserve to be happy over everyone else in the universe.

Jack drops by the magazine to tell Phyllis that the paternity results are in. “Your daddy needs to come home to you and your mommy so she won’t cry on Uncle Jack’s shoulder anymore,” whack-a-doodle tells NuSummer. “And Auntie Mary Jane needs to figure out how to make that happen…”

SFB and The Saint tell The Moustache that their random acts of extra-marital fuckery have resulted in a miracle fetus and they are destroying the lives of the stand-ins they used while waiting to reunite. Being a total dick himself, The Moustache confers his blessings. Since The Saint’s meeting with her doctor to get the results isn’t until later, SFB goes with his daddy to a business meeting and makes arrangements to meet Sharon at the hospital after he’s finished.

Mary Jane/Patti eavesdrops as Phyllis thanks Jack for everything he’s done for her — he’s a great friend. “You can always count on me — always — no matter what you need,” Jack tells his ex-wife.

MJ/Patti grabs her purse and goes over to the trash can…where she promptly fishes out the cookies Phyllis pitched earlier and puts them in her purse.

Looks like somebody had a big bowl of crazy for breakfast.

NuAdam picks up a photo of his dearly departed mother, Hope, and delivers a really bad monologue about how how he never meant to hurt Gashley’s fetus, how he was only trying to get back at The Moustache, how badly his daddy has treated him, how he doesn’t know how she coped with her blindness so elegantly. Blah blah bitty bitty blah blah. “The sick, warped, twisted part of me is from Victor…that’s my inheritance,” he whines.

He pulls the Lurch get-up from a paper bag. “Forbidden to lock my door,” he says as he puts the wig and dress in a box. “So I’ll have to put these somewhere safer…” Suddenly there is a knock at the door. It’s Gay Rafe! NuAdam hides the box under the bed seconds before Gay Rafe enters. He tells NuAdam that he doesn’t believe for a minute that his aunt Estella is responsible for gaslighting Gashley. Then who, NuAdam asks. “I don’t know…you tell me,” the adorable baby faced fag lawyer replies.

Billy asks NuMac to come clean with him about how she feels. Clementine Ford wakes up and realizes she is this scene.

Oh, I’ve tried to deny it since I came home, but it’s you, she wails. They kiss.

Mary Jane/Patti grows increasingly aggitated when she hears Jack tells Phyllis to call him if she needs anything. She takes a piece of the peanut laden cookie from her purse and eats it…

then goes and gives NuSummer a peanut tainted kiss.

I am loving me some Patti Williams right now.

SFB is driving over to the hospital after his meeting when The Saint calls from the hospital chapel. She has the results and is waiting to open them with him.

The Saint hangs up and kneels at the altar. I hope she’s praying for a really good gay best friend who knows something about hair and fashion.

Chloe runs into Mary Jane/Patti and Jack at the GCAC. Jack tells her that The Saint’s paternity test results are back. She goes to the bar and overhears a waiter telling the bartender he just scored a C-note from Billy Abbott in room 437.

Back at RESTLESS STYLE, Phyllis flips the fuck out when she discovers an unconscious NuSummer.

Jack and Mary Jane go to her suite at the GCAC and she sends him out for ice. She calls The Moustache and tells him she has Jack exactly where she wants him. The Moustache reminds her that he brought her to town to get Jack exactly where HE wants him.

Gay Rafe tells NuAdam that a lot of people suspect him of being behind the gaslighting and framing Estella. NuAdam tells him that between his blindness (which 3 doctors have verified) and the ankle monitor, there’s no way he could be responsible for gaslighting Gashley. “If you have nothing to hide then you’ll have no objections to me looking around, will you?” Gay Rafe replies. NuAdam overacts to convey panic.

Billy and NuMac are making out on the bed when Chloe arrives…

Chloe: Sorry — didn’t mean to interrupt. I just thought you should know that you are going to find out if Delia is expecting a little brother or sister.
NuMac: You’re pregnant again? 

Chloe: Me? No. God, no! Ohhhhhh…so he didn’t tell you? Billy might be expecting another baby. With Sharon. His brother’s wife. Well, I guess she’s his ex-wife, but I’m not really sure if she was an ex when they…hmmm, were they, Billy?

Having the attention span of a 2-year-old, The Saint rips open the test results.

“Cassie, you were right…your prediction came true,” she mewls. “I’m having a little girl! With Shit For Brains! You knew! You said we would have another little girl. This is your gift for us. This must be a sign that you’re happy for us and at peace. I can’t wait to see the look on your father’s face when I tell him we’re having a daughter…”

Phyllis calls SFB and tells him that the paramedics are there and NuSummer’s not breathing. He tells her he’ll meet her at the hospital. Wow, way to step up and be a husband and father when your kid’s knocking on Death’s door, SFB.

Gay Rafe rifles through NuAdam’s room looking for evidence that he has been gaslighting Gashley so NuAdam takes drastic action…

NuAdam: Rafe, listen — it hurts me to think that you would think these things about me. I thought we knew each other better than that. You know it’s not just a lawyer-client relationship, there’s…there’s something there that’s deeper, that’s special. Rafe…I have feelings…

NuAdam: …don’t you?

This is so crazy stupid, that it’s actually good. Now if only NuAdam were hawt and could act…