The ever witty and mucho adorable cb over at The Magina Monologues posted this meme which he borrowed from another blog and now because I am a shameless whore with writer’s block I am borrowing it from him…

~ What is on your Desktop Wallpaper?

I don’t know what you’d call it, but it looks like this:

~ What is your favorite zoo animal?

I’ve only been to the zoo once (Gregg took me), but I was totally grooving on the monkeys. I have been to Disney’s animal kingdom twice and if that counts then I am totally going with the meerkats.

~ What was your favorite toy as a child?

My collection of Mego Superheroes and Planet of the Apes action figures.

~ What food do you eat too much of?

Gotta go with bread. Rolls, bagels, muffins, by the slice, by the loaf — you name it, I’ll eat it.

~ What kind of hairstyle do you have?

A conservative young Republican cut, although I am none of the above.

~ What was your favorite gym class activity?

Not participating and ducking the showers.

~ What is on the shirt you are wearing right now?

The Flash logo and some of the sweet and sour chicken I had for dinner.

~ What is the nearest picture to you of?

A framed sketch of Disney’s Tarzan that I got at  Disneyworld the year the movie premiered and which I have yet to hang.

~ What kind of salad dressing do you like?

I usually don’t use salad dressing but when I do it’s Italian.

~ What is your least favorite food?

Seafood. Ack.

~ What do you do on a Sunday night?

Cuddle with my guy and watch THE AMAZING RACE, DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, and MAD MEN.

~ If you could use only one condiment on your food the rest of your life, what would it be?

Ketchup.

~ What color are your bedsheets?

I have 4 sets: blue and white striped; bright red; lavendar and pink stripes; and mint green Alice in Wonderland.

~ How big is your computer display?

Is this a euphemism? I have no idea — I’ll guess 22″ but that could be way off. (You know all about men and size…)

~ What pair of shoes do you wear most often?

My brown Sketchers.

~ What is your favorite game?

Escaped convict and the warden’s son. Or Scrabble. Depends on the venue.

~ What is your favorite Thanksgiving Food?

Turkey.

~ What is your favorite Pizza topping?

Sausage.

~ What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?

5 am — same as every weekday.

~ What is your favorite day of the year?

It’s a tie: Halloween and March 27th (the day I first met The Fella).

Looks like I’m more of a gurl than a gentleman.

Big shock.

I received this via e-mail from singjaz and am just now getting around to doing it. (Yeah, I’m all kinds of quick on the follow-up, ‘jaz!)

TAG YOU ARE IT

If you opened it, you have to do it. Then, send it back to the person who sent it to you and the rest of your friends!

Two names you go by:
1. Ray-Ray
2. Boss

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Boxer briefs
2. Green Lantern t-shirt

Two longest car rides:
1. Here to Orlando, FL – oh there’s a story here!
2. Here to Piqua, OH – and here, too!

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Kiss
2. Read

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. A job that I don’t hate going to every day
2. The ability to relax and not over think every decision I make — especially in a relationship.

Two animals you have or have had:
1. Truman – cat
2. Josie – cat

Two people who will fill this out:
1. Zac
2. Josh

Two things you ate today:
1. Dannon Vanilla Thick and Creamy yogurt
2. An apple

Two people you last talked to:
1. Jeff
2. Mia

Two things you’re doing tomorrow:
1. Working
2. Obsessing about the return of the cold sore that was threatening to take over my face until i scrubbed it into a raw bloody mess with a washcloth and dipped myself in Abreva for a fucking week.

Two favorite holidays:
1. Halloween
2. New Year’s Eve

Two favorite beverages:
1. Water
2. Tea (hot or cold)

…so of course I stole borrowed it. Thanks, Torn!

HAVE YOU EVER…

1. Taken a picture completely naked?
Um, well…do bondage pics count? ‘Cause technically with the cuffs and other gear, I wasn’t really nekkid…

2. Made out with a friend from MySpace/Facebook?
No — I have no friends on either one that I know of.

3. Danced in front of your mirror naked?
No. I try not be naked or looking at myself naked whenever possible. Going snowblind is not high on my list of things to experience.

4. Told a lie?
As a kid, but I sucked hard at it. As an adult, I think my weird compulsion to tell the truth is well documented by now.

5. Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
I think the bigger question would be have I ever had feelings for someone who actually returned them in kind…

6. Been arrested?
No. I have a deep abiding fear of jail/prison.

7. Made out with someone of the same sex?
Um, being gay pretty much requires this.

8. Seen someone die?
Yes, I have sat with 2 people while their life support was turned off.

9. Slept in until 5 P.M.?
Probably in college once or twice.

10. Had sex at work?
No — never dip my pen in company ink.

11. Fallen asleep at work/school?
Oh hell yes.

12. Held a snake?
Oh hell no.

13. Ran a red light?
Actually have gone through a yellow that turned red as I was crossing through intersection and felt really guilty for doing so. I’m such a boy scout — if they allowed cock suckers in their little club, that is.

14. Been suspended from school?
No, but I spent a lot of time in the Dean’s office and was “invited” to graduate early my senior year since everyone was unhappy.

15. Wrecked your car in an accident?
Knock wood, I’ve been very lucky in this respect.

16. Pole danced?
Um, no way, no how.

17. Smoked?
Nope.

18. Been fired from a job?
Once again — knock wood — no.

19. Sang karaoke?
Oh, if you give me enough licquor, I’, a singing fool.

20. Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
Yep. And it usually involves my mouth and a cock…

21. Laughed until a drink came out of your nose?
Yes, and it burns like a son-of-a-bitch.

22. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Is there anyone who hasn’t?

23. Kissed in the rain?
No, but it seems appropriate for the way all my relationships have gone.

24. Sang in the shower?
Damn near every day.

25. Given your private parts a nickname?
Not unless you count Mr. Mic.

26. Ever gone out without underwear?
During my more adventurous nights out in Chicago…

27. Sat on a rooftop?
Nope.

28. Broken a bone?
Back in college, I broke the end off my humerus. The doctors misdiagnosed it as a sprain and put it in a sling. While trying to use it over the course of the following 2 weeks, I broke fragments off the jagged end and those got stuck in my rotator cuff. I ended up having a plate and 4 screws put in and wearing my arm strapped to my chest for 6 weeks.

29. Mooned/flashed someone?
Nope. No one needs to see my ass.

30. Shaved your head?
No, I’m not nearly cool enough to attempt this. I did have a buzzcut most of last summer though. (And was informed I have a horse face which is not conducive to such a doo…)

31. Slept naked?
Every night in the summer.

32. Played a prank on someone?
Yes — especially ones that leave the victim shell shocked and near tears. If I can achieve that, my work is done.

33. Had a gym membership?
Yes, but I feel terribly inadeqaute around other men so I let it lapse.

34. Felt like killing someone?
No. I’m actually about as non-violent as you can get. Plus, I couldn’t live with the guilt.

35. Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
No — they have to really care for you for you to have that much power.

36. Cried over someone you were in love with?
That has pretty much been a standing prerequisite for any relationship I’ve been in.

37. Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
No. Has anyone ever done that (while not under the influence of crack or being pimped out)?

38. Had Mexican Jumping Beans for pets?
Ewwwww — I heard there were bugs in there trying to get out. No way.

39. Been in a band?
No. I don’t like loud music so that would be a dumb move.

40. Subscribed to Maxim?
I won’t even dignify this one with an answer. Next…

41. Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
I have never had alcohol in shot form.

42. Shot a gun?
No — guns scare the living shit out of me. And if you’d ever seen someone shot, you’d feel the same way, too.

43. Had sex today?
Unless this is April 20th, no.

44. Played strip poker?
No, but I once palyed Strip Aggravation. Does that count for anything?

45. Tripped on mushrooms?
I’ve never even smoked pot. It’s the gay boy scout in me again. (That sounded really bad, didn’t it?)

46. Donated blood?
No way. I pass out when they HAVE to do a blood test. No way I am ponying up on my own.

47. Video-taped yourself having sex?
No, but I have considered it a time or ten…

48. Eaten alligator meat?
Get real…

49. Eaten frog legs?
See above.

50. Ever jump out of an airplane?
No — but it’s on my To-Do List…right after “eat pussy and play with some real big titties.”

51. Have you been to more than 10 countries?
No. I’ve never been out of this one.

52. Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?
Um, they’re “friends” and not “lovers” for a reason…

Mark over at Tales of the Sissy tagged with this meme and we all know if I’m a whore for anything (other than hairy men and tasty cock) it’s an easy post. Of course, this one proved not so easy initially — obviously my first choice would be the love of my life, Mr. John Stamos. But sadly, my sweet Johnny has not had much of a film career which made the initial question pretty damn hard…

1. Pick a single person past or present who works in the film industry you would like to have dinner with. And tell us why you chose this person. This was so hard because I totally wanted to go with my beloved Jennifer Aniston but instead I could not pass up a chance to dine with the uber sexy and talented Mr. Matthew Fox of PARTY OF FIVE and LOST, and one of the stars of the upcoming film SPEED RACER in which he will appear encased in black leather (hubba hubba!) as Racer X. I chose Foxy because he brings a certain down to earth, everyman charm to his roles that makes him seem almost attainable under the right circumstances. Almost.

2. Set the table for your dinner. What would you eat? Would it be in a home or at a restaurant? And what would you wear? Feel free to elaborate on the details. I think a quiet barbecue on the patio would be nice. Homemade garden salad with grilled chicken and some fire roasted veggies for the main course, with thick slices of apple pie a la mode for dessert (Matthew loves pie and ice cream — his website said so). And of course, I’d have an ample supply of Matthew’s favorite beer, Bohemia, on hand. I of course would not partake of the beer (you’ll understand why in a bit) and would instead partake of the iced tea. My wardrobe choice would be simple and down to earth, just like Foxy — a Green Lantern ringer tee and jeans.

3. List five thoughtful questions you would ask this person during dinner.
If you couldn’t have been an actor, what profession do you think you would have found yourself in?
What’s your favorite book?
How totally hot was Ben Browder in person when he was Sam Brody on Pof5?
What role either in film or television have you lost that you wanted more than anything?
Would you like a blow job with your beer? (Now you know why I couldn’t have the beer and the apple pie…)

4. When all is said and done, select six bloggers to pass this Meme along to. I totally suck at the tagging thing, so I’m just going to tag Zac over at Euphonic Gumshoe and anyone who wants to give this a go, feel free.

5. Link back to Lazy Eye Theatre, so people know the mastermind behind this Meme.

Done.

The adorable and oh-so-kinky Mr. Stephen Rader has tagged me for “The Smut Meme” created by Isabella Snow. The rules are pretty simple: Link to Ms. Snow (done), link to the individual tagging you (done), and then tag two others.

While I know none of my answers will top Mr. Rader’s (hee-hee…I said top Mr. Rader) nor will I be providing photographic evidence of my exploits like him (and yes, Ed, such photos DO exist), let’s give it go shall we?

1. Chocolate or Whipped Cream? I’ve never had a really good experience involving food and sex (allow me to take a moment to once more urge all of you to NEVER wrap fruit roll-ups around your boyfriend’s cock), but I will say it’s hard to go wrong with whipped cream.

2. Leather or PVC? Leather all the way, baby!

3. Outdoor Sex or Indoor Sex? Let’s face it, they both have their time and place. And their appeal.

4. In the Jacuzzi or In Bed? If we’re talking bondage, definitely the bed (water and leather don’t mix). Otherwise, I love getting busy in the jacuzzi. And the pool. And the shower.

5. Bad Sex or No Sex? Since I am currently in the midst of the latter, I’ll have to go with the former. Unless by bad, you mean dirty ass and poor oral hygiene — in which case, I’m gonna have to pass.

6. Dominate or Be Dominated? I’ve done both, but prefer to be dominated.

7. Thigh highs or Bodystocking? Cross dressing? No thanks — I’ll pass. The closest I’ve come to a body stocking was the time I was wrapped in industrial plastic wrap…

8. Fast or Slow? Slow if we’re making love, like a locomotive if we’re just going for hot, sweaty animal sex.

9. Rough or Gentle? I like it all — surprise me. Better yet, just give me a hot, sweaty couple of hours of both.

10. Bite or Suck? Well, it all depends were those actions are taking place. Suffice it say I’m a huge fan of both all over — especially in the nippular region — and I give as good as I receive. (Yep, I love to bite…)

11. Role play or Reality? Why can’t I have it all? Reality has its place, but so does “Escaped Convict and the Warden’s Son.”

12. Dirty Talking or Dirty Talking To? Depending on what we’re doing, I enjoy both — though I will admit it’s harder to talk dirty with a mouthful of cock.

13. Edible panties or No Panties? I have gone the edible underwear route once and let me tell you it isn’t pretty. Or tasty. Besides, why keep your junk covered with extra layers when we both know its not doing to stay that way for long?

14. Spanking paddle or Bare-handed? I’d have to give the edge to the paddle. Drill a few holes in it for extra pleasure…and don’t forget the flogger!

15. Landing Strip or Kojak? I honestly am not sure what this is referring to (although methinks it is in reference to a shave job on a hoo-hoo chute — UGH), but I will say that while I loves me a furry man, I also think bald is beautiful…unless it’s in reference to his junk. Yeah, I’m a fickle bitch.

16. Multiple Sessions or One Good Fuck? Since I am currently in a sexual desert, I would find either to be an oasis. That said, I prefer mulitple sessions — especially if I am being edged.

17. Moaning or Screaming? Yes, I do…sometimes to the point where I’ve had underwear shoved in my mouth.

18. Older Men or Young Men? I gotta say I prefer the older guys — they know what they want and are less likely to play games. Plus, there’s something about a Daddy…

19. Threeway or No Way? I’m a one man man and if we got all of the above going on, why do we need anyone else?

20. Swing or No Swinging? See previous answer.

And now for the tagging…which I have never done before. Soooooooo, I’m going to tag Kyle over at atomicpop! and cb at The Mangina Monologues. C’mon guys — show us how they like it in Minnesota.

Synrgy tagged me to do this (though I am not sure why — seriously, Syn…is there a day goes by that I don’t reveal another weird thing to make you shake your head?) but since I always aim to please, here’s my entry in this popular meme sweeping the blogosphere which asks for 8 things that folks may not know about you…

(1) When I buy a boxed set of dvd’s, I take a razor blade and carefully cut along the edges of the shrink wrap where the individual cases will slide out so that the cardboard case will remain plastic covered and not become scuffed and lose its shine.

(2) Toward the end of my relationship with Gregg, I was overwhelmed with all the cheating and lying and just sort of not feeling any thing. One night while I was making salad, I took a knife and cut my forearm just to see if I could feel it. I could. Never did that again.

(3) I can be in a store and just get a “mermaid vibe” and will be drawn to Little Mermaid merchandise. This vibe only works for Ariel and friends. I think it is because I my deep and abiding love for her.

(4) I have gift cards from two birthdays and Christmases ago I still haven’t used. I feel guilty if they aren’t used to buy things I really, really want.

(5) I have always wanted to dress up like Robin (from Batman and…) and have sex with a man dressed as Batman or the Joker. It’s not like a fetish, but costume party sex is a HUGE fantasy of mine.

(6) I fall asleep any time there is a huge battle scene or a bunch of exploding shit in a movie. My mind just cannot process too much action at once; it just shuts down. For example, I loved the LORD OF THE RINGS movies (Strider was fucking HAWT!) but I have yet to see the last one all the way through — I always fall asleep when that fucking ghost army shit or whatever starts up.

(7) In the winter, I have 7 blankets on my bed which must be in a certain order — ultra softest closest to my body orking outward to the most coarse to my touch. I am the only one who knows the order.

(8) My favorite kitchen item is my HandiChopper. I love how I can dice onions in like 5 seconds without crying. God bless TeleBrands.

I’m supposed to tag 8 people now, but I totally suck at that so if you are reading this and would like to participate, consider yourself officially tagged by the Dirkster.

I spotted this last fall over at Dr. Sparky Louise Veronica Horton’s place and knew right then and there I had to have it. So I did what any sharp witted klepto would do — I snatched that bitch and then tucked it away for safe keeping until it seemed all fresh and new. (Ain’t I the shit?)

***Author’s Note: Now, I’ll cop to owning most of the stuff on here up through 1990, but after that — oh, hell no. Especially that Mariah Carey shit. She just opens her mouth and my ball sack shrinks up.

1966 – When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge
1967 – Respect by Aretha Franklin
1968 – Mrs. Robinson by Simon & Garfunkel
1969 – Get Back by The Beatles
1970 – Everything is Beautiful by Ray Stevens
1971 – Brown Sugar by the Rolling Stones
1972 – I’ll Take You There by the Staple Singers
1973 – My Love by Paul McCatrney & Wings
1974 – The Streak by Ray Stevens
1975 – Before the Next Teardrop Falls by Freddie Fender
1976 – Love Hangover by Diana Ross
1977 – Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder
1978 – Too Much.Too Little, Too Late by Johnnny Mathis and Deniece Williams
1979 – Hot Stuff by Donna Summer
1980 – Call Me by Blondie
1981 – Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes
1982 – Ebony and Ivory by Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
1983 – Flashdance (What a Feeling) by Irene Cara
1984 – Let’s Hear It For the Boy by Deneice Williams
1985 – Everything She Wants by Wham!
1986 – Greatest Love of All by Whitney Houston
1987 – With or Without You by U2
1988 – One More Try – George Michael
1989 – Rock On by Michael Damian
1990 – Vogue by Madonna
1991 – I Don’t Want to Cry by Mariah Carey
1992 – Jump by Kriss Kross
1993 – That’s The Way Love Goes by Janet Jackson
1994 – I Swear by All-4-One
1995 – Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman? by Bryan Adams
1996 – The Crossroads by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony
1997 – MMMBop by Hanson
1998 – My All by Mariah Carey
1999 – Livin La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin
2000 – Maria Maria by Santana
2001 – Lady Marmalade by Christina Aguilera, Lil’ Kim, Mya, and Pink
2002 – Foolish by Ashanti
2003 – 21 Questions by 50 Cent
2004 – Burn by Usher
2005 – We Belong Together by Mariah Carey
2006 – Ridin’ by Chamillionaire featuring Krayzie Bone

To find the soundtrack of your life, click here.

Shonda tagged me.

*Three Things That Scare Me
1. Scary conservative people who think only those that share their views deserve any rights in this country
2. Disease
3. Unemployment

Three People Who Make Me Laugh
1. Molly Shannon
2. Laurie
3. The cast of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

*Three Things I Love
1. My cat
2. Thunderstorms
3. Dairy Queen ice cream

*Three Things I Hate
1. My job
2. Bigotry/Racism
3. Mayonnaise

*Three Things I Don’t Understand
1. The whole Dungeons and Dragons phenomena
2. People who don’t practice good hygiene
3. How SCRUBS has been on as long as it has

*Three Things On My Desk
1. Spiderman action figure
2. A flyer for “the most outrageous, hardcore man-sex imaginable — now on dvd!!!”
3. Aquafina Hydrating Lip Oil

*Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die
1. Live somewhere where you aren’t judged by the person you love
2. Learn to accept my own faults and imperfections
3. Know a moment of true peace and happiness

*Three Things I Can Do
1. Laugh like Pee-Wee Herman
2. Make a mean pasta salad
3. Pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time

*Three Things I Can’t Do
1. Any math past long division
2. Drive a stick shift
3. Read a map

*Three Things I Think You Should Listen To
1. Happenstance by Rachel Yamagata — amazing cd!
2. Your doctor
3. Your conscience

*Three Things You Should Never Listen To
1. Fox News
2. Shakira
3. Bible thumpers

*Three Things I’d Like To Learn
1. How to do my own on-line Manga style cartoon strip
2. How to operate that stupid fucking digital camera I got for Christmas
3. How to let go of feelings for someone who doesn’t love you

*Three Favorite Foods:
1. Seedless watermelon
2. Boneless, skinless chicken
3. Salad

*Three Things I Regret
1. Not being able to maintain a relationship
2. Not having children
3. Saying “I love you”

I’m supposed to tag three people now, but I suck at that. So, if you are needing a post — TAG!

First, my word cloud. If you would like to make one of your own, go here.

And now the meme:

1. Home theatre or movie theatre? Home. I’d never go out if I didn’t have to.
2. Hardwood or wall-to-wall? Hardwood all the way
3. Pencil or ballpoint pen? Ballpoint pen. I’m into permanence and doing it right the first time.
4. Digital or analog? Digital. At my age, I still have difficulty telling time.
5. “Wet” or dry? I am assuming this is in reference to Shop-vacs…so I’ll say wet. If it is in reference to something else — well, my answer is still the same.
6. Hardback or paperback? Hardback for favorite authors, paperback for the rest.
7. Gasoline or electric? Electric.
8. Photograph or painting? I don’t decorate, but between the two, I’ll go with photographs.
9. Mountains or shore? There are always crazy killer types in the hills, and man eating sharks in the water, but since I don’t swim that increases my survival chances, so I’ll say shore.
10. Curtains or blinds? Blinds. I like the clean look of them.
11. Shower or spa tub? I have to go with shower.
12. Blu-ray or HD DVD? Blu-Ray. At least that’s what The Digital Bits says is selling 2 to 1, and who am I to argue?
13. Paint or wallpaper? Paint. I’ve had to strip wallpaper, and may I just say NEVER AGAIN.
14. Thoroughly cleaned and prepped or go with the moment? I’m all about the fresh, so I have say thoroughly cleaned.
15 “Ties” or “loafers” (slip-ons)? Ties for work, slip-ons otherwise.
16. Stick shift or automatic? Automatic. I never did learn how to drive a stick.
17. Saturday or Sunday? Saturday — I want to prolong my time off from work as long as possible.
18. 15% or 18%? Probably 20% if they are good, because I suck at math. They will be lucky to get 15% if they serve the food and never come back until they deliver the check.
19. Football or soccer? I have no interest in either, but I’ll go with soccer seeeing because Beckham gives them a slight edge.
20. Lands End or L. L. Bean? I like both, but the edge goes to L.L. Bean

Big tip of the hat to Maddog for these (and to Spider, who he got the meme from).