Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?

A: Repeated absences and stealing.

*~*~*

Q: A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?

A: Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair colour doesn’t affect acceleration due to gravity.

*~*~*

A guy walks into a doctors office.

The doctor tells him, “You need an operation”.

The guy says, “I want a second opinion.”

The doctor says, “Okay, my colleague, Dr. Saknussem, would be happy to provide you with the appropriate consultation. Here’s his address, and I’ll have my receptionist call him and schedule an appointment. Please try to see him soon, though. At the moment, I’m concerned about the size and location of this tumor, and I think we should move quickly if we’re going to get our best results.”

*~*~*

Q: What do you call 5 mexicans in quicksand?

A: A dangerous situation that could soon turn tragic.

*~*~* 

For more shit that makes me giggle, click here…

Q:  How many frogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  I don’t know — I think the bigger question is how did they get in there.

Okay, it’s your turn.  Make me laugh, bitches…

Q: What’s worse then finding a worm in your apple?
A: The Holocaust.

~ * ~ * ~

A man spends his first day in prison talking to his cell mate. His cell mate gives him a few tips on surviving maximum security in his first weeks there, and then pauses to look outside the bars of the cell.

“I got an escape plan,” says the man’s cell mate.

“What is it?”

“Put this blanket over your head, and I’ll tell you what to do when the guard comes back.”

The man puts the blanket over his head and his cell mate proceeds to rape him.

Savagely.

~ * ~ * ~

Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
A: The police report indicates three.
_______

For more comedic gold, click here.

A woman was walking down the street when she saw a boy playing with 3 puppies. She stopped and asked their names.

“Thunder, Lightning, and Liberace,” the boy replied.

“Those are unusual names,” the woman remarked. “How did you decide on those?”

“Well, Thunder is the loudest,” the boy replied, “and Lightning is the fastest.”

“And Liberace?” the woman asked.

“Oh — he’s the peein’-ist.’

A milkman is making his morning rounds. At one house, he finds a note asking him to leave 30 gallons of milk. Thinking it must be an error, he knocks on the door.

“Ma’am,” he says, “I got your note and I think there must be a mistake — 30 gallons of milk?”

“Oh, it’s no mistake,” the woman replies. “I was reading an article that said milk baths are good for your skin.”

“Okay — would you like that pasteurized?”

“No,” the woman replies, “just up to my neck will do.”

Q: What does an insomniac agnostic dyslexic do?

A: Lay awake all night and wonder if there really is a Dog.