A few weeks ago, The Fella and I went to a David Sedaris reading in a neighboring city. As one would expect, Sedaris was both intelligent and hilarious.

Afterwards, we got a few copies of our books signed.

“Hello,” David smiled at my fella. “What’s your name?”

“Tristan.”

“And you are?

“Dirk.”

“Do you have any autumnal plans this weekend, Dirk?”

I was struck instantly mute. David Sedaris had just asked me a question and despite my best efforts, I could not think of a single witty quip or humorous bon mot to throw his way. Suddenly, a response came to me.

“No.” 

Unfortunately, I was so nervous that it came out as a three syllable word (“Nuh-oh-oh.”)

Obviously struck by my dead-on “…and Jeri Jewell as the orgasmic special needs ‘mo” impression, Sedaris surveyed me for a moment then turned his attention back to my saucy man candy companion. “How do you two know each other?” he asked as he began a sketch in Tristan’s copy of When You Are Engulfed In Flames.

“We’re dating,” Tristan replied.

David looked up, his eyes going from Tristan to me then back to Tristan. “Really? I wouldn’t have taken you for a homosexual.”

Tristan smiled. “Neither would my parents…as they’ve told me time and again.”

“How did the two of you meet?” David asked as he went back to his sketch.

“Online.”

“I hear a lot of people do that these days. How long have you been going out?”

Tristan looked at me and smiled. “A little over a year and half…”

“Are you living together?”

Awkward silence.

“No,” Tristan replied. “Not yet.”

Not yet.

As in “not at this time, but perhaps at some point in the future.”

As in “his snoring isn’t a big enough impediment to us moving forward with things at some point many years down the road provided something better doesn’t come along.”

As in “maybe.”

The rest of our brief interaction with brilliant writer is a bit of a blur because all I could do was stand there with a big dumb grin on my face as I tried to process the fact that Tristan seems to be entertaining the idea of us co-habitating at some point.

“Not yet.”

In the fucked up relationship universe of one Mr. Dirk Mancuso, those are some pretty wicked awesome words.

Yeah, the whole “famous-author-thinking-my-boyfriend-has-a-retard-fetish-going-on” thing aside, it was a pretty spectacular evening.

It’s been a whirlwind weekend, everybody (hence the Y&R recap running a bit late yesterday, Ed and Catrina – sheesh!) so whilst I get my bearings and prepare a post about Pride, let’s see what’s on my mind…

~ TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead in his Florida home yesterday at age 50. First the King of Pop (age 50) and now the King of TV PItchman (also age 50) — who is next?

~ I can’t believe it’s almost July.

~ I read the first Sookie Stackhouse novel — DEAD UNTIL DARK — over the weekend and now I’m hooked.

~ Noodles and Company. I could eat there every fucking day and never get tired of it.

~ Is anyone else anxiously awaiting the premiere of BRUNO as much as I am?

~ Two weeks until the next new episode of TRUE BLOOD? Aarrrrrrrgh.

~ Lunch with Tremulous Cameo today. Can. NOT. Wait.

That’s it, kids — have a great day!

Woman: I’m looking for a book…Soloman Soloman…or Solemn Soloman…something like that.  It has 2 words in the title.
Clerk: I’m not finding any listing for either of those…do you know what it’s about?
Woman:  Well, it’s placed in 1864 so I’m guessing it’s non-fiction.

Hey guys!  My ADD is kicking in big time today plus I’ve got a lot to do to get ready for an extended weekend getaway with The Fella, so it’s another hot, steaming bowl of random thoughts…

~ Is anyone else rooting for AMAZING RACE’s marriage in crisis couple Ken and Tina to hurry up and be eliminated? I am the last person to advocate infidelity, but God help me if I don’t see why Ken strayed. (And I’m guessing he secretly loved getting to don those tights and compete in that Mexican wrestling roadblock — it was probably the first time he’s been allowed to wear something approximating pants in years.)

~ Speaking of reality show contestants, is there currently anyone more full of himself or cringe inducing than TOP DESIGN’s Eddie, he of the “I work for Martha Stewart” mantra?  And when he called iconic potter and TOP DESIGN judge Jonathon Adler an elf — Oh. My. God.  Please let this train wreck make it to the finale.

~ Maybe it’s The Fella or maybe I’m just finally growing up (at 42), but I find myself drifting more and more away from the Disney Princess pillowcases and instead toward matching sheet sets.  (When it comes to the extra pillows, however, the superhero pillowcases are here to stay since The Fella is mad about them as well.)

~ I keep having these weird dreams where I go to the bank (and the bookstore and the comic shop and the movies) naked and totally try to pretend I’m not.  What the fuck is that all about anyway?

~ In the new issue of ITALIAN VANITY FAIR, Angelina Jolie is quoted as saying “When we first met I already had a child. We didn’t live together and we adopted Zahara. Usually people fall in love and and everything revolves around people getting married. Children are an afterthought.” I think what she really meant was “When we first met I already had a child…and HE WAS MARRIED” and “Children are an afterthought…LIKE GETTING DIVORCED FROM BELOVED NATIONAL TREASURE JENNIFER ANISTON BEFORE YOU GET A GIRLFRIEND.”

~ I’ve recommended it before, but I’m going to do so again:  If you haven’t read THE WATCHMEN, get off your lazy ass and obtain a copy.  There’s a reason TIME MAGAZINE listed it among its 100 best English-language novels from 1923 to the present, calling it “A work of ruthless psychological realism, it’s a landmark in the graphic novel medium. It would be a masterpiece in any.”

~ Once again, I am having trouble commenting on blogs that are not WordPress.  Especially those ones that use Atom or Haloscan or whatnot.  Suffice it to say this is pissing me off greatly.

~ AC/DC has a new album.  And it’s available exclusively at Wal*mart.  Is it just me or is this the worst pairing since peanut butter and mayonaise?

~ And finally, just a reminder that time is running out to get your pumpkin pics to me for Carvathon 2008, as well as your questions for MAILBAG MONDAY and ASK MIA.  The latter has received nary a request for romantical type advice much to Miss Mia’s dismay.  Send them to dirk.mancuso@gmail.com with the appropriate topic in the subject line.  I shall look forward to an overflowing mailbox upon my return home.

Peace out and have a tres groovy weekend y’all!

Honest to Goddess, I cannot fucking focus on shit this week so I’m serving up more random thoughts…

~ I can’t believe how goddamn stupid the BIG BROTHER houseguests are.  Angie?!?!?!?!?!  They fucking evicted Angie over the repugnant and overbearing Jesse?  Give me a fucking break!

~ The one good thing about Angie getting the boot was Jesse’s laugh out loud goodbye message: “You have a rationalized mind and at least you’re going to be able to communicate with people that aren’t insane or don’t have a really…poor judgement of…rationale.  Again, I could make more similes and analogies if you want but I think you understand everything that I’m trying to portray right now…”  Angie, if you’re reading this could you please explain to me what he was trying to portray, ’cause I’ve got nothing.

~ While I’m on the subject of BIG BROTHER 10, mad props to the Chen-bot for correcting Dan when he referred to her for the umpteenth time as “Mrs. Chen.”  What a putz.  I only wish she would’ve told him her husband was the head of the network and could boot his skinny ass in a heartbeat if he made that fucking mistake again.

~ The fucking fan went out in my car’s air-conditioning unit so I spent the afternoon at the Dairy Queen across from the dealership reading TWILIGHT by Stephenie Meyers.

Um, all I have to say after 150 pages is that I am beginning to think I could write a book.  Oh, and Stephenie is totally spelled wrong.

~ I have been lax lately in mentioning that Ron Carlivati is a daytime head-writing god.  And uber-hot.

~ Only 18 more days until the dvd release of GOSSIP GIRL – SEASON 1 and then only 11 more days until the Season 2 premiere.  My lil gay heart can barely wait.

~ The Fella has incredibly furry armpits.  I cannot tell you how much that turns me on.

~ I am still trying to recover from the auditory rape I suffered from Pierce Brosnan’s “singing” in MAMA MIA. The man is NOT a singer.

That’s all I got folks.  Tune in over the weekend for a shocking Y & R recap.

Have great weekend, kids!

I’m in a really fucked up place right now so the best I can offer is a potpourri of what’s flitting through my mind…

~ If you’ve seen the promos for the ABC soaps which are showing in primetime and on cable, you’ve heard the song they’re using – “Believe” by The Bravery. I totally have that song stuck in my head this morning: Give me something to believe/Cause I am living just to breathe/And I need something more/To keep on breathing for/So give me something to believe.

~ I can’t believe the BB10 houseguests were stupid enough to evict Steven. Dan just looks sneaky. ‘Sides, Steven was totally adorable.

~ Has anybody read TWILIGHT by Stephanie Meyer? Carly swears it is “fucking awesome” but it just looks like one of those vampire bodice rippery things with teenagers to me. And it’s first person which I hate.

~ Even if you don’t read the Y&R recaps,  I know you’ll want to check out the savage moose-knuckle Amber was sporting on Thursday’s episode.  Yikes.

~ Tons of drama with Eve (a.k.a. Drunk Eve) in the workplace. More to follow when I can focus and do the story justice. It never ceases to amaze me what freaks work here.

~ The stupidity of this just makes me laugh:

~ I had a lovely ass rape yesterday when filling up my tank.

And now as promised, here’s your extra crunk. Enjoy!

So the fella and I are cuddling on the sofa and I look over at his bookcase and notice that one of his favorite authors is also one of mine.

“I saw him when he was in town for a book reading,” I say randomly.

“Really?” he replies. “Me too…”

We sort of sit there for a minute thinking about how weird it was that we were at the same event and might have seen each other, and then he jumps up.

“I have the newspaper article about the reading. There’s a big photo and I’m in it,” he says, grabbing the book off his self and removing a carefully clipped newspaper article from its pages.

He freezes.

“Wow.”

“What?” I ask.

“You’re not going to believe this…”

He hands me the clipping and I am also speechless.

The fella is clearly standing in the back row…and I am standing next to him.

“Why didn’t you say ‘hi’ seven years ago?” he laughs.

Why indeed…

Today I received an e-mail from Amazon.com informing me that an item I had ordered had been returned as undeliverable. Which seems odd to me since the other 7 items in my order made it to me without a problem.

The reason this particular item could not reach me?

“Address problems or delivery restrictions associated with the items or shippers being sent to prison.”

What the fuck?

There’s another Dirk Mancuso — and he’s in prison?

And this incarcerated Dirk as well as other people in prison can order from Amazon.com?

They can butcher their pregnant wife because they’ve never heard of divorce or kill a family of seven and their Russian wolfhound with a can of Drano, a box of paperclips and a Barbie Dreamhouse, and then totally use the intranets to purchase all manner of goodies?

I find this incomprehensible.

But I do take comfort that some fucked up asshole who “accidentally killed his mom with a steel girder while hopped up on meth and the Dew” didn’t get my CAPTAIN AMERICA – RED MENACE Vol 2.

Somewhere Barbara Cartland is spinning in her grave like a rotisserie chicken…

I got my copy Saturday morning at 12:28am but I am not reading it just yet…

Instead I’m starting over with Book 1 so PLEASE DO NOT POST ANY SPOILERS HERE.

Thank you.