Wrapping up my predictions for the fall season…

First up is Fox, which is offering THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND and NASHVILLE. The former is AMERICAN IDOL for bands, the latter is a docudrama about country wannabes from the producers of LAGUNA BEACH. The former will most likely benefit from the absence of AMERICAN IDOL and build an audience, the latter…I’m thinking not so much.

CBS brings us MOONLIGHT, the story of a private detective who’s also a vampire. I think this was probably done to perfection during seasons 3 thru 5 of ANGEL. Look for this to last 1 season at most.

Finally, ABC has THE WOMAN’S MURDER CLUB, a mystery based on the intelligence insulting best selling series of books by James Patterson. Starring the always icy Angie Harmon, this is just the sort of shit that will find an audience and put the final nails in the coffin of my beloved FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. Ugh.

My continuing prophecies for the new crop of shows…

Only ABC is offering anything new — BIG SHOTS, a SEX IN THE CITY for men. Frankly, the 4 leads — Dylan McDermott, Joshua Malina, Christopher Titus, and Michael Vartan — seem to the single most chemistry and personality free quartet ever, but the addition of Rob Thomas (CUPID, VERONICA MARS) to the writing staff has me a bit curious. Sadly, I think I am in the minority. Look for this one to be pulled “to return at a later time” ala 6 DEGREES last year.

Continuing my predictions for the fall crop of new shows…

First up, we have CBS’s KID NATION. Um, yeah. I could give two shits. Therefore, I’m sure this fucker will be a huge hit — if for no other reason than to see if the network shows the kid drinking the bleach. Personally, I have no interest. Unless they go all Lord of the Flies and stone the brats crying on the promos. Shut up…you’re thinking it too.

Over at Fox, they continue to try and rejuvenate the half hour comedy with the Kelsey Grammer-Patricia Heaton pairing BACK TO YOU. Fox will stick with this one for the season but I predict it will be back to auditioning come pilot season for the stars.

Also on Fox is KITCHEN NIGHTMARES wherein culinary bad boy Gordon Ramsey tries to get bad restaurants back into shape in 7 days. I’d say this was an easy out, but never underestimate the power of an angry Brit.

ABC is offering 3 new shows, all of which show potential for some aspect of greatness. First up is PUSHING DAISIES, the story of a man who can reanimate the dead with one touch and send them back to the great beyond with a second touch. Using his powers to solve crimes, things get sticky when he brings back a dead love and then realizes he can never touch her. Again, give me an impossible love story and I’m sold. And with Barry Sonnenfeld directing, this is one of the three shows I am most excited about. October 3rd can’t get here soon enough.

Next up is the eagerly anticipated GREY’S ANATOMY spin-off, PRIVATE PRACTICE. I’ll be honest: I love GREY‘S and I adore Kate Walsh, but that backdoor pilot for this over on G’s A left a LOT to be desired. Add to the mix, the casting of Mr. Kiss of Death, Tim Daly (his last 2 series, the excellent revisiting of THE FUGITIVE and the sorely underappreciated THE NINE) and a time slot against the other 2 shows I am most excited about and this one could have an uphill climb if the writing isn’t top notch from the get-go.

Ending their evening, ABC has scheduled DIRTY SEXY MONEY, starring Peter Krause as the lawyer for a crazy, out of control family headed by Donald Sutherland and Jill Clayburgh. Look for this one to be a breakout hit from the start.

Humpday will feature The CW’s latest teen soap, GOSSIP GIRL. Based on a series of vulgar and addictive books for teens and adapted by THE OC’s Josh Schwartz — with voice overs by my beloved Kristin Bell — this is the second of three shows I am most excited about. I see a full season for this one, with a good chance of returning next fall.

Finally, NBC offers up 2 new shows. THE BIONIC WOMAN (the third show I am crazy excited about) is reimagined by one of the producers of the quality BATTLESTAR GALACTICA relaunch and features some killer promos. Plus, it features girl on girl fights and you know how much I love those…

Following the new and improved Jaime Sommers, is LIFE, the story of a wrongfully imprisoned cop released and returning to his former life. Yawn. Between DIRTY SEXY MONEY and CSI: NY, this one doesn’t stand a chance.

Whilst perusing a category for yesterday’s post, I noticed one that I had forgotten about: “Dirk Mancuso Fun Facts Series – 2007 Edition.” Seeing as how it is now September and I posted the first — and only fucking entry — in this eagerly anticipated follow up to the smash hit 2006 Edition, I decided it was time to get my big gay ass in gear and finish the bitch up. So for your semi-orgasmic pleasure, I now present the second in this much lauded and revered series…

10 MORE THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DIRK MANCUSO

(or Maybe You Did…)

1. I cannot eat white bread. I chew it and chew it until it is a thick wad but I cannot bring myself to swallow it. I always end up spitting it out.

2. I’ve been flogged. More than once.

3. I have had an x-ray, a CAT scan, a PET scan, and an MRI.

4. I don’t like potato chips by and large, but when I do eat some, I always pick out the ones that are doubled over.

5. My nipples are hard wired to my cock.

6. I detest songs that are named after people. Sarah MacLAchlan’s “Adia” is completely ruined for me because it about one particular person. For me, great songs are generic in the sense that they could apply to anyone — once they have a name, they are too specific.

7. I have never had a Snickers bar.

8. I do not have an electric garage door opener because I am afraid it will be installed improperly and start a fire.

9. I like pink lemonade, but not yellow.

10. I once slept with my boyfriend’s cock in my mouth all night because he had a fantasy of a guy nursing on him while he slept. I do not recommend this. My jaw ached like a mother fucker for a day.

Fascinating?  Fabulous?  Full-blown faggotry at its not so finest with a scandalous hint of OCD?  That’s for you to decide.  Discuss amongst yourselves…

With an audit on Friday, the office is abuzz with people scrambling to make right what they have been neglecting for months, and as a result tensions are high. My boss told me this morning that a form I had been using was incorrect and that I would need to correct this (which would mean redoing about 150 pages). When I informed him that it was the correct form, he had the fucking audacity to snap on my ass — in front of other people.

Oh no, he di’INT.

Not 10 minutes later, tall, dark, and Brylcreemed came slinking back and informed me that it seemed as though he was the one who had been mistaken and that, in fact, I was correct.

No shit. I’ve only been doing my job nearly half my fucking life.

At any rate, the absolute stench of panic in the air has left me unable to compose anything of any value today, so I am going back to the well that has served me so well time and time again. That’s right, kids, it’s time for another installment of in the seemingly never ending “Dirk Mancuso Fun Facts Series – 2007 Edition.”

10 Things You Never Knew About Dirk Mancuso
(or maybe you did)

1. My cats Truman and Josie were named for characters on the television series, TWIN PEAKS.

2. The first car I ever owned was a Pontiac Grand Am. It was gray.

3. When I was 8, I tied the feet of my mother’s pantyhose together while she was asleep on the sofa and then woke her up, saying my grandmother was on the phone and sounded upset. My mother jumped up and promptly landed on her face. I laughed my ass off. As my punishment, I had to untie the hose and for every hole I put in them, it was one week’s restriction. I untied them without a single hole.

4. I ate jello for lunch every day for 2 years.

5. The only fruit I will eat in jello are mandarin oranges. And they must be in orange jello.

6. I was best man in my best friend’s wedding.

7. I do not own an iPod, nor do I know how to download music from the internet.

8. I bought a belt for the first time this past December.

9. I have not eaten red meat since I heard about mad cow disease.

10. My grandmother loved going to the movies, but hated going alone. That is how I came to be the only kid in my class to see such epics as GODFATHER – PART 2, THE EXORCIST, and THE OMEN by the time I was 10.

So it’s come to this, has it?

A total lack of originality has led me back to one of the many crutches I employed early on in my blogging career: “The 101 Things” list. I’m not proud, I’m not going to try and defend my actions, I’m not going to try and sell it as “the lists you love, with a fresh 2007 sensibility!”

Nope.

I’m just gonna tell you this is the first in a new series of mundane tidbits about yours truly and let the eye rolling and yawning begin. All I ask is that you are discreet — even hacks have feelings.

Cue drumroll…

10 Things You Never Knew About Dirk Mancuso

(or maybe you did)

2007 Edition

1. I have a morbid fear of sweet potatoes, not because of Old Boy’s too often exposed uncut tallywacker but because of a heretofore unrevealed horrific family trip when I was 9.

2. Steve Irwin’s daughter scares the bejeezus out of me.

3. I am trying to find software that will allow me to produce an online cartoon strip. The hard part is finding one that a fucktard like myself can use.

4. I graduated high school mid-term my senior year. It was decided by all involved that my lack of obedience involving public showers made this a good choice for everyone.

5. I have every episode of KNOTS LANDING saved on VHS. 10 episodes per tape, with all the previews for the next week and end credits included and the commercials edited out. I am very anal that way. Now I need to figure out how to put them on DVD.

6. I was convinced I was adopted most of my adolescent life. Then I saw a picture of my great grandmother. Sweet baby Jesus — this nose is a family heirloom. By the way, have I ever mentioned that I hate familial hand me downs?

7. Sometimes owning things is just too overwhelming for me and I feel the need to get rid of everything to alleviate the pressure.

8. When I was a kid, I used to change every stitch of clothing after I used the bathroom. Even if I only peed. This lasted until I was 8.

9. I love having my head touched so much that getting my hair cut is damn near an orgasmic experience. Well, except for the part where a woman cuts my hair. And the part where she talks the whole time, making it impossible to fantasize that it is John Stamos behind the clippers. But other than that, I nearly make happy in my pants every time.

10. I have become obsessed with the lip moisturizing goodness of Aquafina Hydrating Lip Oil with Calming Natural Botanicals and apply it every half hour or so. It has gotten to the point where my mother has told me to stop, as my mouth looks like “a big ol’ greasy chicken’s ass.”