NuMac tells The Thunder From Down Under she’s had her box checked out and all systems are go for Operation: Ashby.

Nina and Jill argue about Phillip’s inability to be there for his son. Nina says he’s selfish and hurting Chance, while Jill insists that her son is a good man and they’re lucky to have this second chance with him.

Phillip drops by Paul’s apartment and asks him to go comfort Nina in the way that only a heterosexual private eye with no storyline to speak of can. In other news, Kitty Kitty has really grown.

Amber insists that Daniel marry her in spite of his impending role as cellblock bitch. When he refuses, she gives him his ring back and storms out. Yawn.

Phillip and his tragic hair go to Trumble’s Used Bookstore and runs into Chloe. When he asks how his son is, she suggests he go to the hospital and find out for himself.

Desperate for more airtime, Paul trots his ass over to Memorial to see Nina and tell her that Phillip sent him. Paul bores Nina, Chance, and the viewers with “war” stories of his life in the private eye trenches and all the off-camera injuries he’s sustained in the line of duty. Strangely enough he leaves out the only real injury viewers have ever bore witness to: the impotence he sustained when Phyllis plowed his pecker with her car.

A shitload of time is wasted with Amber on the building rooftop…

subjecting viewers to flashbacks of her and Daniel, including that time Romalotti had the tragic bleach job and looked like a retarded albino in the travelling road company of OLIVER!

Meanwhile, Daniel goes all over Genoa City looking for his skank.

The Thunder From Down Under goes to Jimmy’s with a gift for NuMac: a cheesy piece of costume jewelry in the shape of a kangaroo as thanks for NuMac for letting him and Lily borrow her cooter for 9 months.

NumMac hugs him just as Billy walks in.

Billy blows up, telling the Aussie dipshit that his girlfirend will not carry his baby. The Thunder From Down Under leaves and Billy tells NuMac that he won’t let her carry another man’s baby and grow attached to it because that baby will be a part of their lives FOREVER. NuMac insists she is doing it no matter what; she’s being part of a miracle and making her life count for something. Know what would count for something as far as I am concerned, NuMac? Actually acting instead of sleep-walking through your scenes. Jesus.

Daniel finds Amber on the roof and they reunite. After the kissy kissy shit, they decide to get married tonight. Ack.

Jill runs into Paul at the hospital and asks how the search for The Cryptkeeper’s daughter is going. The Lenscrafter’s Kid tells her that Charlotte Ramsey seems to have fallen off the face of the earth.

Just then The Cryptkeeper comes up and asks what they have their heads together about. To cover their tracks, Jill says she and Paul are an item and plants one on him, much to the crone’s surprise (and I think, disgust).

NuMac tells Billy that maybe their divergent opinions on the surrogacy issue is a sign they aren’t meant to be and leaves.

Later, Billy punches the jukebox at Jimmy’s for playing that wretched song he and NuMac karaoked to in those recreated memories the writers love to shove down our throats.

Daniel and Amber call The Cryptkeeper over to their rooftop and ask her to get ordained on-line in 5 minutes so she can marry them. Whatevs. Not only is this the least aniticipated wedding in the history of ever, it is also the most insulting to viewers’ intelligence.

Daniel invites Kevin and Jana to their rooftop wedding. Jana begs him to reconsider a Friday the 13th wedding. Fuck the wedding, Jana — you should beg him to begin peace talks with soap and water.

Paul goes to see Patti and shows her a childhood photo album. Patti remembers things from their childhood, giving Paul hope.

But later, she drifts off into a catatonic state. Poor Paul — the only chick he can get his hands on is his crazy ass sister.

Oh yeah, some shit happened at Crimson Lights: Ryder tries to strike up a conversation with her but Glo isn’t open to it….Ryder tells Deacon that Amber is marrying Daniel on his rooftop as they speak…Ryder dashes out leaving a furious Gloria in charge in his absence…Phyllis comes in and Deacon tells her about her son’s nuptials. Phyllis dashes out.

At the GCAC, Emily runs into Jack who opens up about what a prick he used to be. Dr. Peterson is touched by his honesty and impressed by his self-awareness of the man he was back then.

Later, Jack suggests that they go out on a date. The good doctor’s panties get moist at this suggestion.

NuMac goes to the hospital and tells Lily and The Thunder From Down Under that Operation: Ashby is a go. The retards swoon.

This just in from the “I’m Not Even Going To Put Forth The Effort” Department: The wedding starts. The Red Menace bursts in and tries to stop the wedding but Daniel is determined to marry the skank. The ceremony continues with lame-ass vows these two dipshits wrote themselves. Phyllis’s reaction is pretty the same as mine:

The Cryptkeeper pronounces Amber and Daniel man and wife. God, I loathe this pair.

From a neighboring rooftop someone watches the proceedings through binoculars…

…which they throw to the ground when Phyllis and ferret faced Lauren enter their view.

It is SOOOOO Sheila Carter.