Lily tells her uncle daddy that she and The Thunder From Down Under are ready to try and have that baby I’m so fucking sick and tired of hearing about already. Uncle-daddy is about as thrilled as I with this news.

Neil takes his son-in-law aside to ream him for not discouraging Lily in her pursuit of this baby shit while she is so sick. Do I need to remind you that they harvested a mere two eggs, Neil blusters, adding that there’s also the not so small matter of finding a surrogate to carry the brat. “That’s the easy part,” the imbecile Aussie replies. “NuMac has volunteered…” Neil is all “oh fuck — how much worse can this shit get?” The Thunder From Down Under begs Neil to support Lily in this stupid-ass idea to have Zombie-Girl NuMac carry their spawn.

Nina informs everyone that the assailant’s knife cut Chance’s spleen and he has been taken to surgery where they will remove the organ if they cannot repair the damage. NuMac displays Bad Soap Acting 101 Reaction techniques when she hears the news.

At Newman Enterprises, Shit For Brains and The Red Menace are discussing the company’s decision to reimburse the people hurt by the Bank of Corazol collapse when Jack drops by with a bottle of bubbly to celebrate the hunk’s ascension to the Newman throne.

Phyllis is sportin’ a sassy new doo.

Chloe calls Chance only to have Jill answer and tell her that Chance has been stabbed.

Phillip  stresses out that he may never have a chance to make things right with Chance. Jill comforts her son, telling him that his tendency to build walls and take flight to avoid things is something they both share. Jess Walton is a powerhouse with the right material, but not even she can distract my attention from that pathetic scrub of fuzz on Thom Bierdz’s chin or that mess on his head:

Phyllis gives the men-folk a chance to chat and goes through the mail where she finds a letter addressed to Special Needs Summer.

She opens it and is not pleased by its contents.

Chloe arrives at the hospital where she confides in The Cryptkeeper that she has real feelings for Chance but has made a lot of mistakes where he  is concerned because she doesn’t know what to do with a good man. Chloe says she signed the divorce papers and wanted to tell Chance. “You’ll get the chance,” the crone tells her. (Is it just me, or does anyone else get the feeling that whenever you’re hugging The Cryptkeeper, she smells like cigarettes and Halls cough drops with a splash of Jean Nate?)

Nina eavesdrops on this conversation and may be grudgingly realizing that Chloe has real feelings for her hunkalicious kid.

Jack is about to feel Shit For Brains out on the subject of the Chancellor Industries IPO when Billy barges in with the news that his lawyer has looked over the magazine sale agreement and it stipulates nowhere that ha cannot write about the Newmans so there is no legal right to boot him from the building. Shit For Brains takes the papers to legal, leaving Jack and Billy alone. Billy tells his brother that Chloe signed the divorce papers today. Another person has dumped his skeevy ass, Jack replies…

Jack: To Billy — my ex-brother. You have screwed me over time and again and each time you say the same thing: “C’mon, Jack — give me another chance. You know what? After twenty second chances, I’m tapped out!
Billy: You can’t just wave your hands and say I’m not family…it doesn’t work like that!

Jack: And you can’t keep screwing up like this and hope it goes away with an “I’m sorry”! It has a cumulative affect, Billy.

Shit For Brains comes back, informing Billy that legal has gone over the injunction and has agreed that for now he will have to honor it. Billy gets a phone call and heads for the hospital.

The Red Menace goes to the nut-hatch to pay a visit to Patti…

Phyllis: What is this? “Dear Special Needs Summer – I’m sorry you’re sick. It makes me sad.” What is this? Did you lace it with peanut dust?
Patti: I don’t remember writing that. Are you Special Needs Summer?
Phyllis: Special Needs Summer is my daughter. Who you tried to kill.
Patti: I love children. You know Jack and I are going to have one –

Phyllis goes for Patti.

Phyllis: You should feel SOOOO lucky that you are locked up here because let me tell you something: if you were out there on the street, you should be very, VERY afraid.

Phyllis: Are you afraid of me? That’s right, you just like terrorizing people who can’t fight back — but I’m here now. You have to deal with me.

Enter Emily, whose face throws Phyllis for a loop.

Dr. Peterson takes Big Phyll in the hallway where she explains that Patti is very confused and is paying for her crimes — what more does Phyllis want?

Phyllis: I want her to stop trying to get a hold of my daughter! She wrote this to my daughter! What does this mean? Is it a warning? What does this mean?!?!? You’re a doctor, so you tell me. Get into that psycho brain of hers and tell me what that means!
Emily: You can’t blame Patti for this. It’s my fault. You need to blame me.

Emily explains that while she can’t discuss Patti due to doctor-patient confidentiality, it would not be out of line to suspect that she and Patti may have discussed ways to make amends for her crazy ass actions and the letter was her way of reaching out and apologizing. Phyllis ain’t havin’ none of that.

Emily: Patti has been manipulated and taken advantage of…
Phyllis: Yeah, yeah, I’m sure she has. Haven’t we all?

Phyllis: I’m not interested in this psycho babble. Let me tell you something — if you pity that freak, you’re as crazy as she is. I told her something I’m going to tell you: stay away from my family. Trust me on that.

When her retarded husband suggests they wait to plan a baby until after she gets out of the hospital, Lily insists they start now. She puts on that cheap ass angel key-ring of Colleen’s and tells The Thunder that if they want this baby enough, it will happen. As if. I been wanting John Stamos to be my husband, but wishing for that shit for the last ten years ain’t made it happen, Lils. Dumbass.

Billy arrives at the hospital where the ever monotone NuMac informs him that Chance has been stabbed and that Lily wants to have a baby…only she needs a gestational carrier. The dumbass is just about to tell Billy that she’s gonna be the baby oven when The Cryptkeeper interrupts to give Billy a lecture about how he’s fucked up but she still loves him no matter what.

Phillip tires to comfort a distraught Nina who lashes out that he doesn’t get to do that — he left them all those years ago. Of course she apoligizes and forgives him 30 seconds later.

Phyllis tells Shit For Brains about her run-ins with Patti and Emily.

At the GCAC, Emily tells Jack about her run-in with Phyllis.

In her cell, Patti begs Jack to come back to her.

NuMac tells Billy that she’s going to carry Lily and The Thunder From Down Under’s baby. “Not a chance,” Billy replies.

A new day dawns in Genoa City with Phillip and Nina pacing the halls of Memorial Hospital and Chloe keeping a vigil at Chance’s side.

Michael and Lauren have breakfast at the GCAC with No-Duh and Lispy McFivehead (’cause that ain’t no forehead!).

Ghastly comes downstairs to find teen bitch Abby dressing to go out. Ghastly points out that the little bitch is grounded and reminds her that if she leaves the ranch, the staff will call her. Ghastly leaves and 2.5 seconds later, Abby is gathering her shit and preparing to haul ass.

Ghastly and her unkempt hair go to Walnut Grove for a parent conference on Abby’s school performance. Abby has made no effort to complete the homework she missed while The Moustache was in  the hospital, she’s picking fights with other students, and daydreaming in class — when she isn’t skipping. If she doesn’t pick up her grades by the midterm next week, she runs the risk of failing the entire semester. Ghastly gets defensive…

Ghastly: You’re making her sound like she’s kind of drug addict drop-out and I’m not sure it’s necessary. I mean, Abby needs somebody who supports her and not somebody who expects the worst of her.
Teacher Lady: I am trying to be realistic…
Ghastly: Well, this is not MY reality. And it’s not my daughter’s. Thank you very much — I’ll take it from here.

Ghastly stomps out in her fugly clodhoppers. In the hallway, she instinctively goes for her phone ( LOL @ Urbanites For Opera) and starts to call The Moustache, then changes her mind.

At Crimson Lights: Daniel tells Kevin that Ryder is the man who could ruin his life…Amber and Daniel plan their stupid fucking wedding…Michael arrives to tell Ryder that they have a trial date set for February. Kevin urges Ryder to tell Michael his alibi but Ryder says he’d rather face a jury. (I’d rather face a firing squad than watch anything else that is even relmotely related to that bullshit Terroni storyline.)…Michael urges Kevin not to put all his faith in Ryder. “In my experience, he’s either protecting someone or he’s guilty,” Michael tells his lil bro.

Billy goes to Jimmy’s to discuss NuMac being a baby oven. Eventually Billy admits that the reason he is so against it is because it would mean that the first baby NuMac ever squeezes out of her vuh-jay-jay won’t be his and any baby that comes out of her birth canal he will fall in love with and any baby that comes out of her birth canal and he falls in love with he won’t let be raised by a smarmy Aussie who conned his mom and grandma.

Abby and Daisy join No-Duh and Lispy for a “Study” session. Abby announces that she is “so over high school boys” and “wants somebody older…more worldly.” Daisy, No-Duh, and Lispy all think the bitch is nuts.

Daisy gives No-Duh the “I wanna go all naughty school-girl on your ass” look and says there’s nothing wrong with high school boys — right, Lispy.

Lispy and her man haul ass, followed by Daisy. Abby lets down her hair and opens her blouse a bit, then goes to the counter to throw herself at Ryder…

Abby: Hey there. We really didn’t get a chance to talk the last time I was here so maybe we can now…

Ryder has the same reaction I would:

Kevin walks up and tells Ryder he needs to be working and Abby that she needs to be in school. The little bitch storms off and Kevin tells Ryder the last thing he needs to be doing is flirting with jailbait. Ryder swears he wasn’t (I’m guessing Shit For Brains is more Ryder’s type) and walks off. Lauren overhears the exchange and tells Kevin even if he wasn’t flirting with Abby he’s still a rat in her book.

Nina tells Chloe that she overheard her talking to The Cryptkeeper the previous night and while she may have feelings for Chance, Nina doesn’t believe she is over Billy.

Phillip tells Nina he realizes how much he missed running away to a be a big gay Aussie bar-owner and he’s not sure there’s a way he can ever make up for it. Or something to that effect. I can’t be sure because I was distracted by Thom Bierdz’s hair:

Chloe shows Chance her divorce papers.

How adorable is Cordelia?

Amazingly adorable.

Michael takes papers for Ghastly to sign making the ranch hers. Abby returns and Ghastly asks her daughter why she isn’t in school. Abby says all she is missing is gym and study hall — no big deal. “It is a VERY big deal,” Ghastly replies, then tries reminding her daughter of how close they used to be and how she misses those days…

Abby: You mean before you locked yourself in your room and were crying all day?
Ghastly: Do you need to attack me to get things out in the open?

Abby: Can I just go?
Ghastly: I want to help you with what you’re going through, honey…
Abby: I don’t need help!
Ghastly: You teacher told me if you don’t pass your midterms, your whole future could be on the line.
Abby: So?
Ghastly: Abby! What’s gotten into you? Tell me!

Abby: You’re the one that’s trying to be my friend instead of my mother.
Ghastly: I love you — so does your father!
Abby: Which one? The one who’s dead or the one you drove out of the country?

Amber and Daniel argue over their fucking wedding. I could give two shits in a whirlwind. She’s a squeaky ho and he’s dirty and I don’t even want to imagine the litter of stupid ugly puppies they’ll have. Ugh.

Michael meets with NuMac to discuss being a surrogate. You’ll need a support team in place to help you with this, Baldwin tells zombie-gurl. “There’s no one,” she replies. “I’m doing this on my own…”

At the hospital, Billy tells Chloe that he isn’t comfortable with Cordelia being so close to Chance. Too fucking bad, Chloe informs her ex-husband: they’re divorced and they both need to face the reality that step-parents are most likely going to be a part of their daughter’s life.

The Cryptkeeper tells Neil that Jack is sniffing around to get a lead on the Chancellor IPO.

Lauren witnesses Daisy telling Ryder to stay away from Abby unless he wants to see how guys found guilty of statutory rape are treated in the pen. Later, she tells Michael that the new girl she hired just did something very impressive and the good feelings she had about her are only getting better.

Michael calls Daniel to warn him that if Ryder’s alibi should pan out, the rat raced Romalotti will be back in the hot seat for the murder of that dumbass in the alley.

Amber and Daniel call Phyllis over to their hovel to tell her that they are getting married in June. Amber gets called away and Phyllis tries to talk her brat out of marrying the skank. Daniel tells his mama about Ryder’s possible alibi which could lead to his ass being back in the hot seat for murder.

Adam returns from his junket sporting a sling following an accident with a curb resulting in a broken collar bone. Ghastly tells him that she fears SFB will always give him shoirt-shrift at Newman but she has a new business undertaking in the works and if it pans out she’d like him to work on it with her. 

Michael demands that Ryder tell him his alibi for the night of the murder. Ryder says he was in Chicago the night of the murder. There is no one to verify this, he threw out the credit card receipts that might have proved he was there. (Um, ever heard of calling your credit card company, dumbass?) Michael takes Ryder’s license plate number and make of his car and makes a call to a buddy at the DMV.

Ghastly drops by Chancellor Industries under the pretext of checking in on Jabot and tries to get info out of Neil about the Chancellor IPO.

Later Jack drops by and runs into his sister.

Michael and Shit For Brains call Adam into the office to be present when they question the Newman employee whose cell phone has been linked to the call to the SEC. They interrogate the woman for 2 minutes, then pronounce her guilty and ship her ass off to Milwaukee branch despite her insistence she is innocent.

Amber meets with The Cryptkeeper who offers the Chancellor estate for her wedding.

Ryder goes to Deacon’s suite at the GCA, demanding to know what’s going on…didn’t his mom call with details about this alibi he’s supposed to have? Nope, Deacon tells the freak. Ryder tells Deacon he’s fucked up royally with the Terroni and not doing what his mother wanted in regards to the Baldwins. “If you think this is the end of it, you’re dead wrong,” Ryder informs his former partner in crime.

Phyllis drops by Deacon’s suite to tell him he needs to back off from her son and quit trying to cause him trouble. Deacon says she’s way off — it’s not him who’s behind all of this; he only got involved to protect his son. The Red Menace says she doesn’t give a shit why he got involved but he’s going to the police and confess or he’s going away to prison for a long time.

At Crimson Lights, Michael shows Ryder a photo taken in Chicago at the corner of Ashland and Division in Wicker Park by a speed trap camera a half hour before the murder. “If you’ll notice you’re not alone in the photo,” Michael says. “There’s a person in the passenger seat. Is this the person you’re protecting?” What does it matter, Ryder replies — you’ve got the evidence to clear me.

Michael calls Daniel with the news that Ryder has an airtight alibi. Daniel tells Amber he can’t marry her.

Neil and The Cryptkeeper compare notes in the Abbott kids visit. They’re teaming up to buy enough Chancellor stock to regain control of Jabot, Neil says. “But that will never happen!” the crone cackles.

Shit for Brains gives Adam some reports to proof-read. (He’s blind, Nick!) “Must be sad doing all this grunt work knowing you;re never going to be nothing more than a glorified errand boy around here,” Shit For Brains sneers, offering to give his handi-capped little half bro a recommendation if he’d like to find employment elsewhere. “I hate to disappoint you brother, but you’re stuck with me…” Adam replies.