Lily invites uncle-daddy Neil over for dinner (a fabulous pot roast dinner she found in some 50’s cookbook from Trumble’s Used Bookstore). Uncle-daddy worries she is taking on too much in her condition, but she allays his fears by telling him she will throw that shit in  the crockpot and relax.

Chloe tells Chance she’s proud of him for telling Phillip how he feels, even if the manner in which he delivered the information was a bit…loud. Nina tells Phillip she’s glad he let out the emotions he’s been keeping bottled up and hopes this will lead to better communication and Chance getting to know his back-from-the-dead gay daddy. Chance tells his mother that he doesn’t want to get to know the man that abandoned him. Chance excuses himself to go shopping for waders (he’s going fishing with Old Boy Murphy) and invites Chloe along. She takes a pass, citing a meeting she has. They are so adorable together.

Nina, however, looks like she’s about to throw up in her mouth a little bit. (How awesomely real is Tricia Cast? This is so my mother looking at me and my boyfriend. Give this woman a real story, Y&R!)

At the GCAC, Jill is talking to Paul about finding The Cryptkeeper’s real daughter. Why not find your own mother, the private eye asks. Because Old Girl has less time for closure than I do, Jill replies. Ouch.

She relays the story of Old Girl’s secret baby once again: The Cryptkeeper was married to Brock’s daddy, Gary Reynolds, and the two became estranged. During their seperation, The Cryptkeeper got knocked up by another man and had one of her drinking buddies, Charlotte Ramsey, take the crib lizard and drop her off at a hospital where Charlotte put her own name on the birth certificate to protect The Cryptkeeper. Paul asks if Charlotte is still alive. Jill says she has no idea; she hasn’t seen her since the old gal told her this story 6 or 7 years ago. She tells Paul not to tell The Cryptkeeper about this; she doesn’t want her upset if it doesn’t pan out.

Billy gets another call from an advertiser cancelling their ads. Like any company would pull ads from a publication that was selling in this economy. Scruples in the business world? Whatevs.

At Crimson Lights, Emily confronts Jack about the job offer she received courtesy of his machinations. “I’m not for sale, Mr. Abbott,” she tells Jack, all pursed lips and super tight vuh-jay-jay.

Jack informs Dr. Peterson that he is just now realizing that he did damage to Patti in ways he never imagined and is willing to do whatever it takes to help his cuckoo ex-wife. He may have recommended her for a job, but the Abbott Foundation donation was made months ago; he had nothing to do with who they chose — her qualifications were what cinched the deal. “Before you knew I was involved, were you interested in the job?” Jack asks. Emily says she was; it would allow her to teach, finish her book, and counsel her patients. Jack urges Emily to take the job: Patti changed her image to look like Emily so she must be impressed as hell with her which means Emily may be the only one who can get through to her. 

With no office, Billy holds a RESTLESS STYLE meeting at Jimmy’s. Thank God the bar is big enough to accommodate the entire 5 employees that comprise this publishing sensation’s staff. (Shitty attention to details like this REALLY peeve my ass…)

Afterwards, NuMac whines that Billy should use the holiday issue of the magazine to spotlight an ordinary person who does good things. You find me that person and I’ll put them on the cover, Billy informs his zombie girlfriend. How about you go do some good shit in Darfur and let us stay awake when Billy’s on, hmmm NuMAc?

Lily goes for a chemo treatment and nearly passes out. A nurse takes her temp for literally 3 seconds and announces she is running a rfever of 103.5 — she’s calling Lily’s doctor. Better yet nurse, call the head-writer and prescribe a fucking story

Neil informs Jill and the Cryptkeeper that he put out some feelers to investment bankers about Chancellor Industries going public and the response was overwhelmingly positive; they were chomping at the bit to buy stock. Once this goes public, Jack will buy as many shares as possible to try and regain control of Jabot, Jill says. “We cannot — I repeat CAN NOT — underestimate how shrewd Jack is,” The Cryptkeeper says.

Nina asks deadbeat dad Paul for advice on how Phillip can build a relationship with Chance. Paul offers his whiny “I just try to be there for Heather when she lets me because you can’t expect too much too fast” speech. When Nina voices her concerns that Phillip will walk out on her son again, Paul urges her to talk to the ‘mo. “I just can’t bear the idea of my son getting hurt again,” Nina sighs.

Chance drops by Jimmy’s to pick up sandwiches for his fishing trip with Old Boy and sees Chloe and Billy talking.

After Billy leaves, Chloe comes over and tells him they were having  magazine meeting. “I know what I saw,” he tells her and walks out.

The Thunder From Down Under calls Neil with the news of Lily’s fever. 

Nina ignores a call from her agent who wants pages for the Cryptkeeper screenplay. Nina shares her frustration in structuring the story with Paul…

Nina: I’ve been thinking now that we know Jill isn’t the daughter The Cryptkeeper gave up I was thinking about structuring it in that way: there is an heir to the Chancellor fortune somwehere out there. What do you think about that?
Paul: Hmmmmmmm. Interesting.
Nina: I think so, too…

While Emily takes a call from Dr. Lambert, Billy comes into Crimson Lights and tries to warn Jack that Patti is loose and in the coffee house. Chance moves in to arrest her, but Jack explains about the whole plastic surgery makeover and introduces Dr. Emily Peterson. Emily jabs Billy about his article in RESTLESS STYLE and his naming Patti. Jack says he told Billy not to include his crazy ex-wife and Billy says it was news and that is why he ignored Jack’s request. Mensa member Emily picks up on this exchange.

Billy gets a call about meeting new advertisers. “Not at Jimmy’s,” he says,”that’s just for staff meetings.” Chance overhears and realizes Chloe was telling the truth about having a meeting after all.

The hunk proves what a catch he is by calling Chloe and leaving a message telling her he owes her a huge apology.

Neil shows up at the hospital where the doctor informs him and The Thunder From Down Under that Lily has over-responded to her chemo and now her white cell count is low, her immune system is compromised, and the anti-biotics they’d normally use are failing. “We have to bring her fever down,” the doctor says ominously. And get TTFDU a shower.

Chloe runs into Paul and Nina at the GCAC…

Chloe: I just wanted to say that I think what happened between Chance and his dad today was great.
Nina: Do I look like I want to talk to you about that?
Chloe: Um, okay. Well, whether you like it or not, we’re going to be friends.
Nina: The only thing you’re interested in is his name and the money that goes with it.

Chloe: Okay, you clearly do not understand me at all…
Nina: Oh I’m sorry — was I misinformed about how you lied to The Thunder From Down Under about your baby and tricked him into marrying you when you thought he was a Chancellor?
Chloe: Like you did with Phillip?

Chloe: And didn’t you change? See, you;re giving me all this crap and I really think you’re dissing your own son. I think you should give him a little more credit than that.

Chloe gets Chances voice mail and leaves.

Nina: Can you believe her? Why the big smile?
Paul: Just reacting to the irony.
Nina: Of what?
Paul: That conversation you just had with Chloe? From what I remember, it sounded a lot like the conversations you used to have with Jill.
Nina: I am NOT like Jill.
Paul: Isn’t it true Jill never thought your feelings for Phillip were real? Even though there were other people who knew how much you loved him?
Nina: Chloe is in love with Billy.
Paul: Maybe that’s just what you want to see. I think she likes Chance.
Nina: Bite your tongue!

Chloe meets Chance at Crimson Lights “because an apology over the phone isn’t half as much fun as it is in person.” Chance apologizes for not believing she had a meeting. These two are SOOOOO adorable together. (And John Driscoll totally makes my naughty bits tingle.)

Jack apologizes to Emily for Billy mistaking her for Patti. “Guess I’m going to have to get used to it,” she replies, “since I’m staying in town…” Looks like somebody’s a little less pissy and their vuh-jay-jay isn’t quite as pursed.

As a feverish Lily jabbers about her fucking pot roast, the doctor tells Neil they are waiting for the test results to tell them what sort of infection Lily has so they can administer a course of the proper anti-biotics.

Jill stresses over the stress The Thunder From Down Under must be under with Lily. The Cryptkeeper tells her that it’s only natural — she thinks of him as her own son. Clearly you don’t have to be blood to be family, The Cryptkeeper says. “And if you let me, I’ll be there for you like you are there for The Thunder From Down Under…”

Neil calls Jill, telling her that The Thunder From Down Under needs her.

Cut to The Thunder From Down Under collapsing in tears. Worst. Crying. Ever.

I think the Y&R directing team needs to learn when to say “cut.”

Nina and her ‘mo Phillip go to Crimson Lights where Chloe is still letting Chance apologize to her. Phillip tells Nina that their son has had time to cool off so he’s going to go over and try to talk to him. Nina urges her son to talk with his father and get everything out in the open. Chloe excuses herself to let the men-folk air their differences.

Jack goes back to see The Cryptkeeper. “I know what you and Jill are up…and I want in on it!” Jack tells The Cryptkeeper that if she is needing immediate cash, he’d be glad to help: he’ll take Jabot off her hands. The crone tells him that Jabot is not for sale. Jack says that if that if cash flow isn’t the case, then she must be preparing to make an IPO and it will only take a few calls to confirm his suspicions.

Ghastly goes to see Shit For Brains and apologizes for Billy’s article. Shit For Brains tells his latest step-mommy that he’s not going to rest until Billy is out of busines. Ghastly asks if there is any record of Shit For Brains advising his daddy to pull his money out of the Bank of Corazol. There isn’t. Ghastly suggests they call a meeting of the board to decide a course of action. Not necessary, the hunk replies, I’ve already gone over things with Michael and made the best call. “Really?” Ghastly asks. “You don’t want out input?” Shit For Brains sets her straight: “Input is fine as long as it’s understood I make the final call…”

Over at Jimmy’s, Billy is busy trying to set up business meetings when NuMac comes up to tell him that Jill is trying to reach him: Lily is very sick and has been taken to the hospital. NuMac offers to go over in his place so that he can tak care of magazine business but extracts a promise that if she calls with news that Lily is all klnocking at Death’s door, he will come over right away. Billy agrees.

Neil finds The Thunder From Down Under still fake crying by the elevators.

Neil is so embarrassed for his dumbass son-in-law that he can’t even look at him.

Billy goes to Newman enterprises and runs into Ghastly who calls him out on him out on his actions at the magazine…

Ghastly: What is happening to you? You never used to be so vindictive, Billy. I believed in you — that’s the only reason I lent you the money to buy RESTLESS STYLE. Don’t expect it to ever happen again.

Next stop is Shit For Brains’ office where Billy tells the junior Newman that they both know he won’t win any lawsuit Billy files. Vicboria enters and the Newman brats slam Billy for his tabloid journalism. Shit For Brains tells Billy that Newman Enterprises and all their subsidiaries will be pulling all their advertising, then kicks Billy out. This ad pulling shit is getting real old, real fast.

Good news for the residents of Genoa City: turns out that the town’s latest resident psychiatrist is also a cancer counsellor! Emily stops by Lily’s room to look in on America’s Former Next Top Model. Unfortunately for her, she runs into Neil and The Thunder From Down Under who tries once again to simulate tears, much to Neil’s horror:

Jill arrives to lend support to her “son.” Seconds later, monitors go off and uncle-daddy and hubby rush to Lily’s room.

Old Boy calls Chance to postpone their fishing trip: Lily is in the hospital and he and The Cryptkeeper want to go to the hospital to lend The Thunder From Down Under some support. (I’d suggest  lending him some shampoo and conditioner might be a better idea.)

Jack meets with Ghastly at the GCAC to tell her about the Chancellor Industries IPO and urges her to buy as much stock as possible the second it hits the market. “If you’re attempting a takeover, I’m not interested,” Ghastly informs her brother. 

Emily talks to Lily about her cancer (apparently the scare with the monitors was a false alarm) and how it makes her feel and how her feelings make her feel and how having those feelings make her feel about her cancer and her feelings. Lily tells her about Colleen visiting her and telling her that she would have a baby one day. Great. First we had Cassie’s Prophecy, not we have Colleen’s Real Strong Feeling.

Later, Lily tells The Thunder From Down Under that she doesn’t want to wait: she wants to use one of her two harvested eggs and have a baby now. Yawn.

Chloe goes to Jimmy’s to see Billy and get their divorce papers signed. They finally do it.

The news of Lily’s really dire condition cuts Phillip and Chance’s talk short as Nina and Phillip rush over to the hospital while Chance stays at Crimson Lights to get some food for everyone. Of course, once they gather, the doctor tells them that the meds have kicked in and the episode and a half brush with death is over. Lily is so boring she can’t even manage a decent brush with death.

At Crimson Lights, a hoodlum pulls a knife on Gloria, demanding cash…

Chance sees…

and intercedes. He gets stabbed for his trouble.

Old Boy and The Cryptkeeper call Chance to tell him the good news about Lily. Gloria answers the phone, shrieking “the man you called — he’s beenstabbed!”

Michael calls Gloria with good news: Newman Enterprises has made a formal offer to reimburse the account holders in the Bank of Corazol collapse. They won’t get everything back, but they will something. Of course, the Bardwells begin celebrating before they even get a figure.

Vicboria tells her brother good-bye. Don’t hurry back, bitch.

NuMac goes in to see Lily who tells her that she and her retarded hubby are talking about babies and how they will have to find a surrogate mom to carry their child to term. “I’ll be your surrogate,” NuMac blurts out. “I’d love to do that for you.”

Jack runs into Emily and asks about her first day at work. She tells him how fulfilling it was and thanks him for the job recommendation.

On their way out, Emily trips and falls into Jack’s arms.

“I think Freud would say there are no accidents,” Jack says before he makes his move.

He walks out, leaving Dr. Peterson a little moister than she was a few minutes earlier.

Meanwhile, Ghastly is also making a move. “Find out who’s underwriting the Chancellor IPO. I want to get in a position to buy as much Chancellor stock as I can…”

Chance’s family watches as he is brought into the emergency room.