Hello and welcome to the inaugural edition of a little feature I like to call “Dirk Mancuso, Big Gay Personal Shopper.” With the Christmas/Kwanza/Hanukkah holidays a scant 50 days away, I know the pressure of finding that perfect gift for a friend or loved one (or big gay boyfriend!) can be overwhelming and often lead to lapses in judgement during those last minute shopping frenzies. Well, no more! In a true show of love for my readers, I have scoured high and low, near and far in an all out effort to help you put a smile on those cherished faces come holiday morning and retain your reputation for impeccable taste and sterling quality gifts.

This week, I am tackling the dilemma of shopping for those most fickle of consumers — babies. Finicky, prone to dramatic mood swings, and known to grow out of things in a matter of months if not weeks, infants and the gifts you give them are basically a waste of money but to maintain good relationships with their often overbearing parents one must make an effort to at least have put an ounce of thought into a gift. Let’s get started…

Everybody knows that with the exception of polio, nothing generates bigger laughs than shaken baby syndrome and the folks at Spreadshirt have tapped this thus far unmined tragedy for comedic gold with shirts and bibs proclaiming parental abuse:

 

Hideous bald baby ruining what would be an otherwise cherished Christmas family photo in years to come? Freakish hairless crib lizard embarrassing you at Mommy and Me classes? Bear the stigma of being “that kid’s” parent no more thanks to our friends at Baby Toupees. For under $25, your precious offspring can be sporting a head of locks Fabio would be jealous of:

Anyone who knows me knows that if there’s anything that cracks me up faster than monkeys in clothes, it’s babies in make-up. Well, there’s a new sure-fire giggle getter in the toddler department: high heels for babies! That’s right, that chubby lump of flesh you tote around in those designer Baby Gap fashions can now take that look to the next level and enter the arena of high fashion courtesy of the geniuses at Heelarious:

Who wore it best? That precious babe in the last pic. (Although I’d recommend The Lil Kim to complete her look…)

Everyone knows tats are in, but many parents are too pussy to man up and choose ink for their precious bundle of joy. Thankfully, a nation has heard the cry of pre-preschoolers everywhere and has created an interim alternative alternative for the under 5 set:

And finally, for the parents who can’t bear to leave their baby unattended for even a moment (or the welfare mom who can’t be bothered with the latest addition to her money makin’ brood when there’s a new MAURY at 11 and the next potential baby daddy dropping by with some donut holes and Beaujolais at noon), there’s the Zaky Infant Pillow. The headline proclaims “it’s like leaving a part of you with your baby” –which lent itself to a lot of leperosy and artificial limb jokes that I have foregone in the interest of  good taste.

Next week: more delightful and unique gifts no one else but you will be giving this holiday season! But in the meantime…

 On your marks…

Get set…

SHOP!