As most of you know October is Gay History Month and in an effort to help my community, I decided to enlist the aid of two of the most opinionated women I know –  the smart and sassy Elle the Pirate of Belle et la Brewski and my whack-a-doodle mother Lola — to share their hearts and their wisdom with my people. Thankfully, they both said yes, which meant I’ve only had to do 6 posts a week instead of 7 — bless you , ladies. As I’ve stated before, Elle’s comments are courtesy of the interwebz  while Lola’s responses are tape recorded and then transcribed by yours truly as a soon to be gone pesky cataract has made reading damn near impossible (she holds one hand over her left eye while attempting to read — a condition which further complicates her hunt and peck typing style). Please note that while I love them both dearly, neither one is a licensed professional nor should their advice be taken as either sound or good. In other words, this is purely for entertainment purposes. Don’t follow their advice. Never change lanes at an intersection. Always wait on hour before going into the water after eating. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Now, with those disclaimers out of the way, let’s get rolling…

Dear Elle and Lola,

I’ve been dating a woman for the last couple of months who I had instant chemistry with. Recently, she told me that she wants us to put on costumes and do role playing to spice up our sex life. I think our sex life is fine the way it is plus I would feel stupid dressing up and acting. I think we have something good but I’m worried if I give into this the next thing will be even more weirder. What should I do?

Vanilla Gal

Dear Vanilla,

Let me get this straight.  You will feel stupid dressing up and acting while having wild sex??  Squirrel, please.  Take it from a woman who has at LEAST 5 costumes in her closet and utilizes them ON THE REGULAR…..do….that….shit.  Everyday is Halloween up in this bitch.  Sexy fireman with boobies poppin’ out the top??  Yes, PLEASE! Tinkerbell with no panties??? I’ll take two!!! Pirate whore with her plastic sword?? Pillage THIS booty!!!  There is nothing wrong with role playing.  At all.  And dressing up does not lead to weirder stuff.  I mean, if you wake up one morning and you have a gag ball in your mouth and are surrounded by angry midgets wearing nothing but grass skirts and halos, that’s your own damn fault. Not that that has ever happened to me.  I’m just sayin’.

Now put on that Little Bo Peep outfit and bend over.  Oh yeah….mama likey.

Trick or treat THIS,

Elle

Lola says: …don’t dress up! What’s the matter with these goddamn people who have to spice up their love life? They know what they’re getting into when they sign up for that old shit to begin with and then they want to go and put on fancy clothes and pretend? Jesus Christ. I don’t understand what more spice that silly bitch needs — ain’t licking pussy enough spice? Bleech! I don’t even want to think about that. Next question…

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Dear Elle and Lola:

my partner (38) and i (41) have been living together for 3 years. we have a very healthy sex life. One of the most imporant things for me is honesty and faithfully since I was cheated on by pass boyfriends. Last week, I went to check my mail and I discovered that my partner had been talking to men on line and having cyber sex (he left the computer on and left his mail open and i read it). I haven’t said anything yet but I am really hurt by this. i don’t care that it is with a guy he’ll probly never meet. If he is talking to men on line sooner or later he’ll met somebody local and fuck them and i’m mad that he gave the guy his e-mail when he knows that i have his pass word and could go into his mail and read it any time i want.

SHould I say something or keep an eye on his e-mail and say something if he makes plans to meet with somebody around here? Have the time i want to punch him and the other have i want to cry. Help.

SIncerely yours,

Hurt and Confused in Colorado

Dear HaCiC,

Ugh.  Seriously?

Ok….first off….I’m gonna go ahead and say what OTHERS are thinking but WON’T say….It’s “half the time”  not “have the time”.  ”Past”.  Not “Pass”.  ”Probably”.  Not “Probly”.  I won’t even bring up the smaller infractions.  Sorry to be The Grammar Bitch on you, but I’ve had a SHIT ASS DAY full of dirty snatch and FAKE ASS CRYING people that act like they give a shit about someone they ALL talked shit about mere months ago and THIS email put me over the proverbial edge, my friend.  You’re welcome.

And REALLY???  You need someone else to help you with this?  One of TWO things is happening with this whole bullshit scenario….

a) He doesn’t GIVE a flying fuckity fuck that you found out, hence him letting you have his password and whatnot.

2) He thinks you are a complete IDIOT and wouldn’t find out.

I hope ya’ll are using condoms because if not, you are fixin’ to take a sorrowful trip down “Let’s Guess What STD I Have Today” Highway.  He will, if he already hasn’t, CHEAT ON  YOU!!!  SAY IT WITH ME!!!!  HE IS A FUCKING CHEATER!

I say call him on his shit.  Grow some fucking CAJONES (that’s “balls” in espanol….who KNEW I was bilingual!!) and get in his fucking face and CALL HIM ON HIS SHIT!

I don’t think you will do this.  Shit…he KNOWS you won’t do this.  Which is ALL THE MORE REASON TO GET IN HIS FUCKING FACE AND BREAK BAD ON HIM!!!

If you choose not to, I say take a Sharpie marker and draw faces on his balls.  Then, when he asks why ON EARTH YOU WOULD DO SUCH a THING, you can reply, “Well since I’ve been letting SYBIL fuck me in the pooper for the last few years, I just wanted to get to know the multiple fucking shithead personalities, up close and personal, when your balls are smacking against my stomach.  Carry on.”

Idiot fucking porn surfin’ cheatin’ motherfucker.  Him…not you.

Bitter til the very end,

Elle

Lola says: …I don’t understand. Read that to me again. (Dirk reads it to her again) What’s “cyber-sex”? (Dirk explains) You’ve got to be shittin’ me! You mean to tell me some gay guy types “I’m gonna stick my pecker in your asshole” and the other gay guy gets hard over that? Je-SUS. I’ve heard of it all now. The first thing this guy needs to do is throw out that fucking computer. God only knows what nasty shit that other quuer’s gotten all over it. (Laughing) God-damn! Typing shit to make yourself cum. I never heard of such bullshit in my life.

Dirk: It’s mental stimulation…

Lola: It’s mental all right. Is that what you and Tristan do? “I wanna take my pecker and stick in your mouth?” Tell that guy to dump that computer nut and go get a real man. Go to a gay meeting or something. Maybe he can meet that other guy whose husband or boyfriend or whatever he is that was cheating. But if they get together, they need to get rid of the computers. Those goddamn things are nothing but trouble. That typing gay guy is gonna mess around and talk to that guy on “To Catch a Predator” and then he’ll be getting screwed in the ass in prison and he won’t have to type about it no more.

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And so as Gay History Month comes to a close, so does this series of posts. A huge, huge, HUGE thank you to the immensely talented and funny as hell Elle for her participation in this as well as to Lola for…well, for being Lola. And a big thank you to everyone who sent in  questions — these ladies would be nothing without your problems.

Have a great weekend everybody!