As most of you know by this point, what with October being Gay History Month and all, I decided to enlist the aid of two of the most opinionated women I know –  the crazy ass Elle the Pirate of Belle et la Brewski and my insane mother Lola — to share their hearts and their wisdom with my people. Being longtime giver goddesses, they both said yes and from all appearances they are a hit. As previously noted, Elle’s comments are courtesy of the interwebz (hey, we live half a country apart people — we ain’t coffee klatching it after work every day, sharing girl talk and giggling about boys we think are cute!) while Lola’s responses are tape recorded and then transcribed by yours truly as a soon to be gone pesky cataract has made reading damn near impossible (she holds one hand over her left eye while attempting to read — a condition which further complicates her hunt and peck typing style). Please note that while I love them both dearly, neither one is a licensed professional nor should their advice be taken as either sound or good. In other words, this is purely for entertainment purposes. Don’t follow their advice. Always consult a doctor before embarking on any diet regimen. Don’t drink and drive. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Yellow’s mellow, but brown goes down. Now, with those disclaimers out of the way, let’s get rolling…

Dear Elle and Lola,

For years my boyfriend was told by his previous partners how ugly and unappealing he was. As a result he developed a very negative self-image and horrible self-esteem. Over the 5 years we’ve been together I’ve made a point of telling him every day how beautiful he is inside and out. The problem is after years of positive affirmations, he took everything I said and went out and had several one night stands with anonymous men as well as a few of our friends.

Elle and Lola, I am emotionally devastated. I love this man and have built a life with him but now the sight of him reduces me to tears. I can’t eat, I can’t concentrate at work, all I can think about is how he has betrayed me. I don’t want to throw away 5 years but I don;t think I can ever fully commit to him again. What should I do?

Sleeping single in the guest room double bed

Dear SSITGRDB,

What the….? Are you serious? SUCK IT UP, SOLDIER! I don’t give a fuck if your man is Brad Pitt (yum, by the way) or Quasifuckingmodo……listen to ME.

He.

Cheated.

Numerous times.

That’s complete and utter bullshit and JESUS backs me up on this! Trust me! We talk. A lot.

That makes him UGLY on the fucking INFUCKINGSIDE and I want to punch him in the throat. Can you tell I’m bitter???? No???? Let me elabofuckingrate.

People who take your love, roll it into a fucking ball, and toss it off a fucking bridge into the River of Hate are no good. At all. I don’t GET that shit. If you’re NOT happy in the relationship you are in, given WHATEVERFUCKING reason…..LEAVE. There is NO need to get sneaky and fuck around and suck a strange dick and let them put it in your no-no hole why their LOYAL significant OTHER is clueless….at home….baking a fucking cake. Pack your shit. Get the fuck out. Go be a man-whore. Make that your life. But do NOT stay in a relationship and kill the very SPIRIT of the person who is backing you up, 24-7-365.

God, I’m all riled the fuck up on this because it seems like you are the one that needs a little LOVE and to have someone tell YOU that you are worth so much MORE than who you are right now.

Fuck that bastard.

And punch him in his ugly face on the way out the door. Fucking dirty herpes dick sucking hunchback pimply back havin’ cockmunching son of a bitch.

Oh….and you are a Super SUPER motherfucking man. Jot THAT down.

Totally high-fivin’ your dick,

Elle

Lola says: … First of all you shouldn’t have praised him and give him a big head. Men eat that shit up. Second of all, throw his ass out; that’ll straighten his ass up. He thinks he’s got a sure deal and you told him he’s handsome so now he thinks he can go lay up with anything with a dick. Sorry for you, my friend. I’d tell him my asshole was closed for business. Ain’t no man gonna go out chewing on strange peckers and then bring home crabs or some other shit to me. This guy don’t know what’s up them buttholes. Dump that fucker’s ass. There are other fish in the sea. And dicks, too! Surely he can find something better to tie up with. They’re plentiful as hell — everybody’s going gay on the tv. That guy must be a real damn man to sit around and whine until he builds up some stamina and then go knocking on every door he can stick a dick in. Put his shit on the curb and call for extra pick-up.

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Dear Elle and Lola,

I’m a 47-year-old lesbian who recently started dating a much younger woman (she’s 24) over the summer. We met at a gay marriage rally, went for a drink afterwards, and were in bed before the night was over. Ever heard the old joke what does a lesbian drive on her second date? A U-haul. Well, it’s true. After 2 weeks of constant togetherness, she moved in with me and it’s been pure heaven ever since.

The problem is the holidays are coming up and my son and his fiance will be coming to visit and I haven’t told him about this much younger woman who also happens to be a much younger woman he dated back in high school. My girlfriend says it’s no big deal, he’s engaged to be married so he’s clearly moved on but I think it might be awkward when he realizes that his mother is sleeping with the same girl he did (and yes, my girlfriend has confirmed they had a sexual relationship).

How should I handle this? I love this girl but my son is my life. Help!

Never happier, never more worried

Dear NHNMW,

SWEET!!!!!! Not only are you a LESBIAN but you’re a COUGAR LESBIAN!!! CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT????? Raise the ROOF, bitch!!! THAT’S AWESOME!

I think your son will be fine with it all. Totally. And if he isn’t, just send him to his old room for a good ol’ fashioned TIME OUT!! You are STILL HIS MOTHER, DAMMIT! I don’t care whose vagina you are bumpin’.

And really??? SERIOUSLY?? He’s got a fiance (say it like Holly Hunter in Raising Arizona….FY-ANCE) and he shouldn’t be worried about who YOU are lickin’ nowadays. We all have needs and yours just happens to be some hot young piece of ass he USED to date less than ten years ago. No big deal, right?

(Work with me HERE…)

And if all else fails, just lie and say she is his ex-girlfriend’s LONG LOST TWIN SISTER that he never knew about because she was given up at birth because she had a cleft palate and was sent to a third world country so she could get surgery for FREE because her parents didn’t have insurance and was then adopted by none other than Madonna!!!

It just might work!!!

Let me know!!

Totally jealous that you have a younger woman,

Elle

Lola says: …First of all, she’s a crazy bitch. Second of all, her son should have her ass committed. There is more to life that licking a goddamn ol’ pussy. If they want to be licking on something, why don’t they get a nice ice cream cone? Jesus. The more I hear about these women the more the make the rest of us look like sludgerats. People haven’t got no damn sense. I could just see if I was a gay ol’woman and you walked in on me with my nose buried in some ol’ fur patch. Jesus! I think that young girl needs to go back home to her mother and get some training — real training, not lesbian training — about how to act like a fucking lady. One night and you’re in bed together! That is so dumb. God forbid don’t let that 47-year-old lesbian get a dog! Oh don’t put that down — don’t give the damn pig any more ideas!

(Later that evening I received a call)

Lola: I been thinking about that old lesbian with the young girl and I say just tell the son that she’s robbing the cradle and it was one in his nursery. Nearly 50-years-old and got some little wet behind the ears bitch licking her pussy! No wonder these damn girls’ teeth are rotten. That young one must be homeless and she’s eating pussy to have a roof over her head. Either that or she’s still hung up on that son and she’s trying to get close to him again but I hate to tell the damn silly bitch that eating his mother’s pussy ain’t the way to do it. *Sighs* 47-years-old…when do these damn nasty woman quit with that sex shit? Here I have to suffer with this arthritis and she’s getting her snatch eat out…

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Dear Elle and Lola,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, living together for 4. He’s a good man who treats me with respect, works hard, will do anything to help our friends and family, and is fantastic in bed. I dearly love him except for one bad habit: instead of going to the bathroom to answer nature’s call he uses the kitchen sink as a urinal if he’s cooking or grabbing a snack. Every time I call him out on this, he tells me that urine is sterile when it comes out of the body and he rinses the sink afterwards so it’s no big deal. I disagree. I think it is unsanitary and just plain disgusting. What do you think? Am I over-reacting? If I’m not, what can I do to help change this behavior?

At The End of My Rope
 

Dear ATEOMR,

Yuck.  Does he eat his own scabs too??  Sicko.

Before I get called out on this, I’m just gonna go ahead and throw my SELF under the bus and save someone else the trouble.  I, too, have peed in some strange places.  The first that comes to mind was quite recently and it was when Princess was here and we were sitting out back, drinking beer and talking mad shit about STUPID MEN and stuff and mid sentence, I got up….walked 10 feet to the dirt in my backyard, turned back around to face her, lifted up my sundress, squatted down and peed about 2 gallons of hot frothy urine. All the while, I was saying, “Giirrrrrrrllll, I can’t BELIEVE he did that shit and it just pissed me off DON’T LOOK AT MY PACHINA and does he even know who he is DEALING WITH?”  

She didn’t even flinch.

Then there was the (numerous) time I have peed in the bathroom sink.  The main reason I do this is because my CHILDREN like to fuck with me and sit on the toilet, long after they are done peeing and I am dancing around like, “COME ON I GOTTA GO” and they giggle and say, “I’m POOPING MOM!  GO UPSTAIRS” and um HELLO??  I don’t give a shit that there are THREE toilets in this house, I’m a SINGLE MOTHER and I’ve given birth TWICE out of my vagina and it HURT and my bladder doesn’t work all that well anymore (just ask anyone who has had the unfortunate opportunity to be on a trampoline with me) and CLIMBING stairs while URINE is pounding on my bladder is NOT a good idea.  But it only happened a few times and I totally felt bad about it for like….an hour.

That being said, here is what I think you should do….

-Make a nice big crockpot full of chili.  Yum!!

-Go into the bathroom.

-Thoroughly clean the toilet.  I’m talking bleach and Scrubbing Bubbles and Comet.

-Once it’s sparkling clean, take a nice long piss in said toilet bowl.

-Pour your AWESOME CHILI into the toilet.

-Hang a metal ladle on the side of the bowl.  Set some chili bowls on the sink.

-When your man asks “What’s for dinner, honey!!?” direct him to the bathroom.

When he starts to pitch a fit about OH EM GEE I’M NOT EATING OUT OF THE TOILET just look at him and say, “It’s ok, dear.  I peed in there first.  It’s completely sterile.”

Problem solved.

Love me some chili,

Elle

 

Lola says: …he is not over-reacting. Put that dumb son-of-a-bitch out the door and let him piss in the street. And throw the pots and pans out after him — God only knows what he did to those. That gay guy’s gonna end up in the hospital with e-coli from that urine gravy on piss chicken. Does this guy shit in the sink, too? That might not be chocolate pudding that stupid son-of-a-bitch is putting in front of him. How in the hell do you love somebody who pisses in the fucking sink? That’s not a love affair, that’s pure filth. God-damn.

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And so ends another installment of Dear Elle and Lola. Tune in next Friday for what I hope proves to be an epic conclusion to the series. And if you haven’t done so already, there’s still time to ask these ladies for their help with your most pressing gay dilemmas. Send your questions and queeries (hee hee) to dirk.mancuso@gmail.com and be sure to include “Dear Elle and Lola” in the subject line. Deadline for submissals is October 28.