In honor of October being Gay History Month and all, I turned to two of the most opinionated women I know –  the crazy ass Elle the Pirate of Belle et la Brewski and my insane mother Lola — and asked them if they would share their hearts and their wisdom with my people. As luck would have it, they both said they would and judging from the number of hits they got last Friday, you guys like them — you really like them. As previously noted, Elle’s comments are courtesy of the interwebz while Lola’s responses are tape recorded and then transcribed by yours truly as a pesky cataract has made reading difficult (she holds one hand over her left eye while reading — a condition which further complicates her hunt and peck typing style). Please note that while I love them both dearly, neither one is a licensed professional nor should their advice be taken as either sound or good. In other words, this is purely for entertainment purposes. Don’t follow their advice. And for God’s sake, don’t try this at home. Blue and yellow make green. Just say no. All you need is love.. Now, with those disclaimers out of the way, let’s get rolling…

Dear Elle and Lola:

After a long search and a lot of dead ends, I met a wonderful man I’m crazy about and he’s crazy about me.  We dated, fell in love and we’ve lived together for about a year and one half.

He’s Italian and Irish but it’s clear the Italians are running the show!

He went away to college, lived alone- which was a good sign since he’s in his late 30’s.  He has a genetic syndrome that comes with physical issues and some learning difficulties.  In spite of that he went to college and now teaches elementary and college level art, photoshop etc.  I fell in love with this guy from day one.  He worked nights at a nursing home to be able to teach part time during the day.

He’s close to his family.  We go there for all holidays, birthdays and even just stop by to say hello.  I take his nieces and nephews to movies, festivals, amusement parks etc.

His grandmother passed away earlier this year, leaving his 90 yo great aunt alone in his grandmother’s farm house. His family pressured him for us to buy the house.  But it needs a lot of work, believe me, a lot of work. It’s too big and my guy is a pack rat, you know how “gays” can be, I’m sure.  The more space we have, the more crap he will save.  We went through a period of hell about this house.  I already drive an hour one way so that we can live together and so he can teach part time during the day.  I pay the largest portion of our bills because he worked three jobs just so he could teach part time or as a substitute.  He quit his 3rd shift job because I wanted him to take it easier and to have time to look for an opportunity to go full time, if not in his current school district then in another one.  I ran the numbers and I told him he could not pay 1/2 of the cost of owning a house until he has a full time teaching job.  I’m not willing to shoulder more than 1/2 of the cost of buying this house. I give a lot, have supported his effort to teach and work full time, but I’m not willing to put myself into financial jeopardy to buy a house I don’t like and which is too damned far for me to drive comfortably everyday. I thought it was settled but this past week-end we were asked to meet with his parents, again, about the house.  The one thing that struck me was being told I have to compromise so he’s happy, too.  What about my happiness? I’ve owned a couple houses.  We rent a nice townhouse at the moment.  He hasn’t saved anything as a down payment for this house, he works two part time jobs so that means I’d be covering the mortgage and expenses for who knows how long until he gets a full time teaching job.  And I’d be driving another 40 mins/day, so my overall commute would be getting too close to 3 hours.  I don’t want to do it because:

- Financially it’s just too much money for a 150 year old house that needs a lot of work.

- I don’t want to drive more than I already do (which is 2 hours/day).

- I won’t have time to exercise, which I must do for my joints, after a longer commute and when would I have time to work on any improvements?

- He’s a great guy, a sweetheart, but part of his disability is that things go in one ear and out the other.  Or are all men like that, Lola?  He says he’ll cut the grass and do repairs and paint etc. but as soon as he sees the TV he plops on his ass and is mesmerized.  It’s just how he is, but I know that and I don’t believe the promises.  I know better.

- And now the real reason, Lola.  Nothing against them, they’re wonderful folks but I don’t want to live right in the middle of his parent’s house, his brother’s house, his sister’s house, his cousin’s house, his aunt and uncle’s house.  I’d be in the cross hairs every second and I just don’t want to live like that.  They also want his great aunt to continue living there while we live “upstairs” but look in on her, make her a meal occasionally etc.  I stuck by my gram and my dad and my mom to the end, but I need a rest, too.  And I’m not the “look in on” type.  I know what taking
care of an older person really means.

I love him Lola, and I love his family, but I don’t want to live in the middle of them.  I want us to enjoy our lives together.  It was really tough for both of us but we had already settled it between ourselves that it wasn’t for us but his parents just won’t let it go.  I still don’t want to do it.  If I’m forced into it, I will resent that house for the rest of my life, so I know better than to let myself get forced into it.

What do you think?

Sign me,

Location, location, location

Dear Location to the third power,

Um…..I’m not really understanding the question here.  I mean….you are WAY too damn vague and didn’t really give me enough information to go on.  I can’t work under these conditions.

Oh…and I have a friend who has a friend who has a sister and she’s married to a guy that works at Home Depot and he only has one leg but he gets around ok but he knows this dude who owns a tractor that is purple and HIS FATHER has a grandma who plays the harmonica and she spits a lot and anyway HER aunt only has one eye and it’s kinda gross but she owns a monkey who carries around a little bag and it has a cute little string type closure on it (IT’S SO CUTE) and it’s full of Xanax. I’m totally gonna hook you up.

Kisses,

Elle

Lola says: …he’s got to get firm with them people.I’d tell them I already got a house I’m happy in and I’m not buying another fucking house that needs all the fixing. Those in-laws need to keep their damn noses out of them 2 gays’ lives. If they want to buy that house that’s between him and him. And that one gay guy can’t be driving 3 hours a day! What about when it snows? What’s wrong with them damn people? Don’t they think about that shit? They need to be happy their son found a…gay whatever you want to call him…to settle down with. Hell, the straight people can’t hardly do that no more! And tell that gay guy I’ve lived with my in-law and I’ll tell him that will never fly. It will drive him to fucking drink! That old bitch mother of Old Boy’s did everything she could to get me to leave but I wasn’t about to let some senile old heiffer run me out. Always pretending she was having a stroke or a migraine when we wanted to go somewhere so that he’d stay home with her — and that dumb son-of-a-bitch would fall for it every time! I told him “it’s pretty funny your mother only gets those spells when we want to go out” and he’d say (pinches face up) “well, she’s pretty frail.” Pretty frail my fat white ass! That old bitch would walk to the grocery store and back in 100 degree heat in those wool stockings and that goddamn sweater you had to pry her out of to wash and she’d never even break a sweat. And she’d fight like a fucking cornered badger with me until he’d come home and then she’d plop her skinny ass in a chair and hold her head and do that fake tear shit and tell him “Lola’s been picking on me again” and he’d take her side every goddamn time. Oh, that used to burn me up! (Pauses to watch Nancy Grace for a minute) What does this gay guy want to know about again? (Dirk refreshes her memory) Oh! Don’t buy that house! Tell him he’s got a good gay guy and not to mess things up when they’re working. Those in-laws need to mind their own business and leave them gay guys’ business alone — it’ll only stir up trouble. That’s why I keep my nose out of your business…

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Dear Elle and Lola,

My partner and I recently adopted a baby boy after 11 years together. His parents accepted our son immediately and have been totally supportive. My mother, however, has not. She refuses to acknowledge the fact that my partner is anything more than a friend and says that my son isn’t mine by blood so he’s not family to her. My son will be celebrating his first birthday in November and my mother has never even held him. I love my mother, but I also love my partner and my son. This is killing me. What can I do to make my mother understand how much she is hurting me and how much she is missing out on?

Proud Father, Loving Husband, and Hurt Son

Dear PFLHHS,

I don’t mean to diss your mom and shit but she sounds like a complete tool.  I think the only thing you can do is try and trick her.  Here’s the plan….

Start talking about labor.  How hard it was.  How you were screaming at the nurses for more drugs and shit because the PAIN OH MY GOD THE PAIN!!!  How when you pushed for 25 hours and finally gave birth, how rewarding the experience was the second you laid eyes on your sweet little bundle of joy.  Talk about the episiotomy you had to get so you wouldn’t tear your manhood.  Talk about having more kids. And then, if you DO decide to adopt again, just stuff your shirt with old clothes or better yet, get one of those fake stomachs and make her touch it and say, “OH MY GOD! DID YOU FEEL HER KICK????” and watch her face. It will be golden.  I promise.

I guarantee you she will be burping that little man in no time.  I even see her changing diapers and cooing and shit.

And just for shits and giggles, if you’re a white man and your partner is white, adopt a little black child.  Or vice versa.  That’ll spice things up.  Tell her, “OH EM GEE She looks JUST like you, mom!!” and smile.

Please let me know how this turns out.  I can’t fucking wait.

Was born a poor black child,

Elle (And I’m white and have two mixed babies so don’t call me a racist!!!!)

Lola says: …what makes that old bitch so goddamn superior to that little baby? Taking it out on a little child! She ain’t no grandmother — she’s an old bitch. That just gets me when they punish the poor little kids because their dad is fucking some other guy in the ass or their mom is licking that old pussy — those poor little shavers can’t help it their parents got the goddamn sex on the brain 24 hours a day! I’d tell her to stay away. Just stay the hell away from me and my baby and don’t come knocking on my door when you need a place to stay, either — my baby comes first. What the hell kind of mother was she to this gay guy? I shouldn’t even give her that title — mother — she don’t deserve it. What I want to know is how did these two get a baby and Elton John couldn’t get that one from Romania? That baby would be well cared for and have a nanny and not want for nothing. Poor little foreign shit. Probably still sitting over there in an orphanage with flies crawling on his face and eating that old shit they serve them in those old rusted metal cups. I just don’t get this world…

* * * * *

And so ends another installment of Dear Elle and Lola. Tune in next Friday for more of your letters, including a fruit with a problem you won’t believe (then again if you’re a gay man, maybe you will). And if you haven’t done so already, there’s still time to ask these ladies for their help with your most pressing gay problems. Send your questions and queeries (hee hee) to dirk.mancuso@gmail.com and be sure to include “Dear Elle and Lola” in the subject line. Deadline for submissals is October 23.