Thanks to the bugging devices he’s placed around the ranch, the pocket Newman eavesdrops on The Moustache and Dr. Braun who are discussing the best approach to getting to the bottom of Ashley’s problems. I’m not sure what problems they are referring to, but I think many of her problems could be solved with a good acting coach.
The pocket Newman goes to see Ashley and voices his total support and belief in her sanity. Mentally deficient Ashley thanks him for being a friend.
At Crimson Lights, Kevin is working a mile a minute to keep his mind off the stack of letters and e-mails from citizens outraged that he was granted amnesty for his crimes. Jana urges him to accept the fact that he was a victim and not responsible for the things he did so that he can past this. Yeah, listen to your wife — the killer who was pardoned because “her tumor made her do it.”
While skanky Amber toils away on some top secret project on her laptop, Daniel receives a call from Howard Aucker who informs him that he has until noon the next day to provide him with the art forgery or he’ll “make life very difficult for those criminals you call friends.” Daniel, I know you’re a dumbass and all, but has it ever occurred to you that Aucker is not with the government but is actually a forger? No, I’m sure it hasn’t.
Phyllis asks Jack to please keep The Saint away from Shit For Brains. He tells his ex-wife that Sharon is not going back to Shit For Brains. I want to believe that, Phyllis replies, but past experience makes that difficult. As she is leaving, Olivia shows up to tell Jack that his crazy ass sister is overacting and is in danger of losing little Peanut Abbott hyphen Newman. They run out the door.
At RESTLESS STYLE…
Sharon: You can’t leave Phyllis for me…
Nick: I have to.
They kiss. Jesus Christ — somebody throw a bucket of cold water on these two; they’re like dogs in heat.
Ever the prick-tease, The Saint pulls away.
Sharon: Nick, stop — I can’t let you do this for me.
Shit For Brains: What do you mean? Sharon, I finally woke up — you’re the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want it back — I want us back. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. Don’t you want that too?
Sharon: …No…Nick, no…I’m not going to let you do this — no matter who is the father of this baby I’m carrying, I’m not going to let you leave Phyllis for me. There is no more you and me.
Daniel and the Skank (sounds the title of a bad detective show, doesn’t it?) go to Crimson Lights where Jana tells them about Kevin fretting over the public outrage. The skank tells him she bets she can find shit on the interwebz that proves there are people who support him. They scurry off and Jana calls Daniel out on his shit…
Jana: Let’s talk about something that is bothering me — that Terroni that you’re copying? You said you were using that as “inspiration” and I found that a bit odd, so I looked it up and do you know that that painting was stolen from a museum ten years ago? Daniel, do you want to tell me what’s going on? Why are you forging a stolen masterpiece?
Um, maybe because his teenage marriage storyline was a bust? Ditto his porn addiction storyline that went nowhere. And his pairing with the Skank. Anybody detecting a trend here…?
During a commercial break, Daniel tells her everything and voice of reason Jana says that the whole thing stinks on ice — the leads went cold years ago. Daniel says he checked Aucker’s credentials and they’re real. (Like they post federal agents pics and bios on line — gimme a break Maria Arena Bell!) Daniel asks Jana if the government can make you work for them.
Jack and Olivia arrive at the ranch as Dr. Braun is leaving. When Jack is concerned that Victor has brought in a psychiatrist, The Moustache tells him to go home and come back tomorrow. Enter Ashley. Jack suggests she stay at the Abbott mansion for a few days which is promptly shot down by The Moustache. Of course the tension upsets delicate flower Ashley and Olivia takes her fragile ass upstairs.
Jack: What kind of madhouse is this? She’s pregnant. She’s supposed to be in a calm, stress free environment — that is if we don’t want to repeat the last episode.
Victor: This home is calm and stress free…unless you’re in it.
What a dick.
Olivia tells Ashley she wants to believe that she has nothing to do with the strange occurrences. She suggests Ashley take Zapato out for a walk and get some fresh air. Good idea, Liv — send a fucking high risk pregnancy out in the middle of the night to walk a dog in the woods. You are goddamn mental giant, Dr. Barber. I bet you suggest Alzheimer’s patients go on JEOPARDY, too.
Shit For Brains tells The Saint that they are destined to be together — it’s written in the stars, fated, meant to be. Do you hear how stupid you sound, Nick?
Shit For Brains: Why do you think you and Doris moved back to Genoa City just as I came back from boarding school? You could have moved anywhere in the world but you moved here. And I could just as easily have stayed in Europe, but I didn’t and we got together. There must be some reason for that. And now that I’ve come to my senses, we can be together the way it was always meant to be.
Sharon: I have thought this through, Nick and I am reconciling with Jack.
Shit For Brains: That’s not what’s best for you. You don’t love him the way you love me. We both know that. Stop trying to push me away — I am trying to tell you that I can make things right with us.
Sharon: Nick, no — you need to be happy with the family that you have, and if you can’t be then I’m sorry but it is not going to change my decision…I’m going back to Jack.
Shit For Brains: Sharon, please…reconsider…for your own sake.
Enter The Red Menace.
Phyllis: Reconsider what?
I want to smack the ever-lovin’ shit out of Sharon who tells Phyllis that she came to tell SFB that she is reconciling with Jack — permanently — and if the baby she’s carrying turns out to be SFB’s, they’ll share custody but she and Jack will be raising the baby together. Her High Holiness exits. “Is that the whole story?” Phyllis asks her cheating cheater and lying liar of a husband.
White Chick Amber and Kevin cruise the interwebz. He shows her sites dedicated to trashing them (like they are THAT important). One commentor suggests he would like to stick a gun in her face. I’d settle for sunless tanner and a Toni home perm.White Chicks Amber shows him a site that is devoted to understanding and showing the love to the coffee hustling former vd riddled online predator. Kevin is heartened to see that there are people who really understand and want to see him succeed. Obviously they aren’t people who’ve had to endure his goddamn chipmunk storyline.
Jack suggests it interesting that every time there is a “Lurch sighting” Victor is in the vicinity. In his room, the pocket Newman giggles that Jack is accusing his pompous daddy. “The only reason I haven’t thrown you out on your ass is your love for your sister,” an angry Moustache mumbles. Olivia comes downstairs and hustles Jack out the door before the the two of them come to blows.
Ashley has a dream in which she is walking Zapata and is visited by the ghost of Lurch. As always, Eileen Davidson brings it.
The drag queen tells Ashley that she has nothing to fear from her — she and little Peanut Newman are at peace and are so happy that Ashley is giving The Moustache the family she never got to.
Kevin shows Jana copies of the comments from the site White Chicks Amber showed him. Suddenly he notices that the blogger and the commentors all have the same e-mail address: Amber’s. As a blogger, I find this to be an immensely stupid twist.
Daniel and White Chicks Amber return home to find their apartment ransacked. Having seen the squalor they live in on a daily basis, I’m not sure how they could tell. Amber is convinced it’s one of the internet crazies, but Daniel thinks it is Aucker. I think it’s a fucking travesty that I have to suffer through this shit when Victoria Rowell could be back raising hell in Genoa City instead of this insipid duo.
The pocket Newman is pissed to the hilt whilst eavesdropping: Ashley goes downstairs all sunshine and rainbows and tells The Moustache that she fells great and realizes that she may have been over-reacting to all the things that have happened. All that matters is that she knows she belongs there and nothing or no one will drive her away.
Jack returns home to a tearful Saint who throws her stupid self into his arms…
Sharon: Jack, have I told you how much you mean to me? I have given you every reason to walk away and here you are, still by my side. You’re so good to me. I love you — so much!
SFB tells Phyllis he’s made a decision. From the look on his face she knows it’s bad news but before she can get the scoop, she gets a call from Can’t-Stop-Staring-At-The-Camera Summer’s babysitter who has gotten ill and needs to leave. We’ll talk at home, a tearful Phyllis tells him on her way out.
Amber calls the police to report the break-in. Detective Wallace shows up and tells her to go fuck herself. Or call the governor. Whichever she prefers.
Jeffrey and Gloria tell Kevin and Jana they are renting Phyllis’s penthouse. They express surprise that the Bardwells could afford.
Paul tells Nikki that he’s investigating Mary Jane Benson based on the fact that something about her is familiar to him. He had a friend check her out and there are no DMV photos in the state of New York that match this Mary Jane Benson. You do realize you sound like a fucking lunatic, don’t you, Mr. Williams?
Jill goes to see The Moustache to ask him for help getting back the money she lost in the collapse of the Cayman Island bank. She really pisses him off when she threatens to tell Ashley about his owning The Cryptkeeper’s 5% of Jabot for five minutes. Jeffrey and Gloria suddenly barge in, also asking Victor for his help. To no one’s surprise he gives them all a big “fuck you” and tells them to get the hell out of his home.
“And don’t you ever dare to come into my home like this again!” he mumble shouts after them. Jill tells Victor how much she hates Gloria, apologizes for the scene, then shows herself out and the phone rings. It’s Mary Jane, asking to see The Moustache right away. Check out Vic with the old school corded phone:
Daniel and Amber fight about her having called the popo. The skank storms out.
Paul flashes back to his dinner with Mary Jane when he suggested they may have met through a social or family connection and she said that New York is a very large city. Nikki comes back with Mary Jane’s references that were faxed over from RESTLESS STYLE and tells her fiancee that no one ever checked them out (Billy hired her at Jabot and Jack vouched for her). “You know now that we’re talking about this, she does seem rather eccentric,” the stripper says. “She’s out of her depth somehow. Most PR people are social animals — she’s very anti-social…almost like she’s hiding something.” Paul says he can’t shake the feeling they’ve crossed her path somewhere before.
In her room, Mary Jane strokes her stuffed kitty. “Don’t worry, kitty — Victor is coming and he’ll know how to get rid of that mean, nasty Sharon,” the nut-job babbles. “And then Jack will come back. He won’t stay away…he’ll come back. yes he will…”
The skank goes to Crimson Lights and tells Kevin about the break-in at her apartment.
Daniel calls Agent Aucker for the millionth time, threatening to show up at his office if he doesn’t call him back. Jana shows up and he tells her about the break-in and that the only thing taken was the Terroni forgery. Jana urges him to tell Amber what’s going on before she comes up with another hair-brained scheme and drags them all down, but Kevin refuses. Jana says she can’t shake the feeling this whole thing is going to end really badly. Which makes sense since it’s started out so badly. Enough with the art stories, Maria Arena Bell!
Victor arrives at the GCAC to see Mary Jane and stops to give Paul and Nikki his best wishes on their engagement. He makes sure to rub salt in Nikki’s wounds by mentioning his oops baby with Ashley.
The GCAC manager stops The Moustache in the lobby and reminds him that they haven’t received payment on the room for the month. The Moustache tells him he will receive his money shortly and he damn well better be discreet in the future. Don’t you EVER talk to me about this in person again, he mumble-threatens.
Jill arrives at Jeffrey and Gloria’s room and tells them that Victor bought their staged argument. Jeffrey says he has a man following The Moustache to help them uncover the skeletons in Newman’s closet. Just then, Jeffrey’s phone rings — it’s his man. “Ladies,” he grins as he hangs up, “we have our skeleton!”
Nikki rattles on and on about The Moustache firing Estella and Ashley and blah blah blah until Paul calls a moratorium on work and ex-es. His phone rings. He hangs up and tells Nikki he has a surprise for her.
Jeffrey says that Victor has been keeping a room at the GCAC and paying cash. Jill says she is friends with the manager and will see what she can find out.
Victor arrives at Mary Jane’s suite:
Victor: I want to thank you for your time and effort.
Mary Jane: I’m not giving up — Jack is still interested. He’s just had too many distractions lately.
Victor: The plan didn’t work.
Mary Jane: But it will — you just have to give it time!
Victor (removing an envelope from his pocket): This is the last time you will see me and this is for your efforts.
Mary Jane: I don’t want your money! We had a plan — Jack needs to pay for what he’s done!
Victor: Well unfortunately this involves people who might get hurt and I don’t want that.
Mary Jane: Like who? Dammit, Victor, you owe me an explanation.
Victor: I don’t owe you anything.
Mary Jane: You track me down after all these years, you take me away from my life, you give me a new face, a new persona…and now you’re dumping me?
Victor (holding up the envelope): This will compensate for your efforts, okay?
Mary Jane: Just give me one more month. I promise, Victor, I promise — one more month and I will get Jack away from that blonde bitch…
Victor: Be careful — that blonde bitch happens to be my grandson’s mother and I do not want her hurt.
Paul drags Nikki’s zaftig ass over to Crimson Lights where the surprise (his brother Corbin Bernsen Arnie Becker Mr Amanda Plummer Father Todd) is waiting.
Todd tells them about some trip to Jerusalum he just got back from.”Three weeks in the Holy Land? That sounds like the trip of a life time,” Nikki gushes, all rememberful of how she’s a Jesus freak when it’s convenient.. Shut the fuck up, Nikki — the only time you call the Lord’s name is when you’re getting plowed long and hard. It seems Todd’s in town setting up some youth programs and wanted to speak to them about their mother’s concerns that they are living in sin. Not for long they tell reply, showing him Nikki’s ring.
When Kevin stresses over the public outrage over their pardons, dipshit Amber decides they can clear the air by sharing their side of the story on the radio with Dr. Drew. Just when I thought she couldn’t be any dumber.
Mary Jane still ain’t giving up…
Mary Jane: You brought me here to ruin Jack Abbott and you’re more concerned with his ex-wife? What is it about this woman that every man in Genoa City wants to protect her.
Victor: She isn’t well right now. She needs protection and I’m sorry to say that Jack Abbott is the one to do it. Sharon is very fragile, okay? I want you to leave town.
Mary Jane: And where am I supposed to go? I’m not even myself any more!
Victor: You’re somebody new. Imagine that! I have given you a new image…you’re someone else now. How wonderful. Go anywhere. Start a new life. Forget about Jack Abbott — you deserve better than that.
Mary Jane: I don’t want better — I want Jack! You promised you would help me get revenge and I’m not going to let you walk away like everyone else has! I am not giving up until I break Jack into a million pieces…
Victor (walking out the door): You pull yourself together. This is the end of a chapter. Get out of town.
Mary Jane: Don’t you walk out on me!
The Moustache turns and Mary Jane runs to him, throwing her arms around him.
Mary Jane: I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I need you…I can’t do this without you! Please, please don’t leave me!
He pulls away and walks off, unaware that Jill has seen the entire exchange.
Daniel answers a knock at his door. It’s the real Howard Aucker.
Paul asks Todd if he’ll be at his wedding. It’s been so long since the whole family was all together. Enter Mary Jane who spots Todd and rushes back out. She is so Patti Williams.
Jill tells Jeffrey and Jill what she saw between The Moustache and Mary Jane. “Ashley’s PR director — this is better than we’d hoped!” Jill laughs. They toast to the downfall of The Moustache.
BIlly takes NuMac some flowers and congratulates her on her engagement to Raul.
In related news, the Clementine Ford hair extension/hair don’t nightmare enters week 5.
Amber and Kevin call Dr. Drew to plead their case once again. When he refuses to take their call (he says “Marina” is beyond help), the skank calls “Dodger Blue Live” with Tommy LaSorda and tells the old baseball dude their story. By the end of the call, listeners are totally swayed and see them as the young heroes they are. Seriously, Maria Arena Bell — whoever pitched this plot needs to be hit with a baseball bat. HARD.
Chloe goes to the Abbott mansion to see Billy and call him out on his shit. He tells her that he never pretended he was going to be the perfect husband so she can stuff the fucking wronged woman routine.
Daniel calls the faux Aucker’s number only to find that it has been disconnected. Wake me up when this shit is over, ‘kay?
Meanwhile, faux Aucker tells someone off-screen that the painting is a perfect forgery and “that Romalotti kid has got no idea what he’s gotten himself into…”
It’s Lily’s birthday and The Thunder From Down Under throws her a party at that fucking dive bar of his. (“Sadly”, Tyra and Little Orphan Ana won’t be able to attend — yah!) TTFDU gives Lily 22 gifts for her 22nd birthday. (Like Cassie’s grave, Lily’s birthday is also fluid — it came the week of June 23-27 last year.) She gives him a gift — a day planner with her ovulation cycle marked each month with little hearts. ACK.
Nina stops by Jimmy’s to talk to TTFDU and walks into the middle of the “party.” TTFDU gets nervous when she asks questions about how he found Jill and The Cryptkeeper and asks if they can talk another time.
TTFDU excuses himself to make a call. “We have a problem…” he says as we cut to (maybe not really) Phillip III/Langley.
Chloe tells Billy that she truly loves him and if he’s willing to make an effort, the three of them can be a real family and have a good life together…
Billy: Look, if I’m going to do this I gotta come clean to you…
Chloe: Great — there’s more. What am I saying? There’s always more with you.
Billy: Yeah, and it’s pretty tough…
Chloe: Okay — say it.
Billy: Sharon’s pregnant…and it could be mine.
