Michael called Sunday afternoon.

The conversation started out pleasantly enough with the customary greetings and salutations — hi, how have you been — and then quickly took a turn I really never saw coming.

“My oldest son is starting school down there in the fall so when I bring him down, I figured that would give us a chance to talk and figure out where we go from here.”

*Record Scratch*

Huh? Say ‘gain? First syllable, sounds like…?

“Not sure I follow, Michael…”

“We need to talk about where we are as a couple, figure out what’s next for us.”

While I have never written about the incident that caused me to leave Michael’s apartment and never return, suffice it to say that once I closed that door behind me and took off running, I never once thought about going back. Ever.

“I’m just going to be blunt about this, Michael — there isn’t an ‘us’ any more. I’ve been seeing someone for over a year and have no intention of cheating on him or breaking things off.”

“I see.” I could hear the wheels of manipulation turning in his head. “I assume you’re open to the idea of remaining friends?”

Before I had carefully thought where that was headed, I offered a weak affirmative.

“Great. It’ll be nice to have a place to stay when I visit my son.”

I could almost see the cunning grin on his face as he mentally high-fived himself  for getting the better of me once again.

“Um, no,” I replied, my mind racing to undo things. “I don’t think that’s an option here. My guy and I are living together*…”

Silence. Lengthy silence.

Finally he spoke. “Oh. Well, tell him I’m envious — not jealous — and that I wish the two of you all the happiness in the world. Until you fuck things up like you always do.”

I pretty much had nothing left to say after that and neither did he. After a few more minutes of awkward silence, we exchanged goodbyes and hung up.

In the interest of full disclosure, I later told Tristan about our conversation.

“Michael…your ex? I’ll kick his ass,” he said, a stern look crossing his face. “He needs to keep his hands off  my man or he’ll be picking his cumbersome ass up off the ground.”

Which made me giggle, because the thought of anyone — especially Tristan —  kicking someone’s ass over me is, well, giggle worthy.

Men.

I’ll never understand them.
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* This was a bold faced lie. We are not, nor have we made any plans for co-habitation, but it was the only thing I could think of on the spur of the moment. And I immediately felt horrible and dishonest after I said it.