This swine flu shit has got me seriously climbing the fucking walls, not to mention washing my hands like a fucking gay Lady Macbeth (“Out, out damned pandemic virus!”) As a result, my mind is focused on things other than blogging — hello, stockpiling staples and water for the coming plague! — so it’s yet another odds-n-ends post. Sorry, but The End Times are a bit more pressing today…

~ I am currently reading FREE FOOD FOR MILLIONAIRES by Min Jin Lee and came across a line that really resonated with me:  ”Casey had many people who liked her but few she told anything to and fewer she asked anything of.”

~ The swine flu reminds me of Captain Trips from my favorite novel, THE STAND, and that shit is freaking me out more than a lil bit.

~ So Octo-mom is working on a deal for a reality show and a line of Octo-mom diapers? Cool. I think that the first order of business should be for her to pay back all the money she sucked out of the tax-payers to pay for her litter.

~ I am totally all hypnchondriac-ing right now and swallowing repeatedly until I think I can feel my throat swelling shut and thinking I am feeling the beginning of one of those shitty flu headaches coming on. I get like this whenever I read THE STAND, too. God, I hate pandemics and/or plagues.

~ DC Comics is raising the effin’ bar on serialized story-telling with the current storyline(s) running in their Superman titles. Geoff Johns, you fucking rock! You are the Ron Carlivati of comics! I want to have your mouth babies.

~ If there really is a pandemic, will there still be internet? ‘Cause it would seriously suck if there weren’t.

~ Melissa Rycroft, why are you a contestant on DANCING WITH THE STARS? You are not a star. You are a woman who went on a reality show to find a husband in 10 weeks. I call that a lot of things, but star is not one of them.

~ Epidemics make me think of hospitals and hospitals make me think of needles and needles make me cry. Literally. And they make me cry because they hurt and then I flinch and then I think about flinching in a way that results in it breaking it off in my arm and them having to dig it out and then I get that shivery thing up my spine like when I think about biting down on the tines of a fork sideways in my mouth or chewing ice and breaking a tooth. So to recap: hate epidemics, hate needles.

~ The Craigslist Killer. People Magazine said he was a some time model. Seriously? ‘Cause I’m not seeing that shit at all. I took one look at his pic and was all “was she a big fat heavy person?” and “it puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.” That dude is shedding the fucking Dexter vibe like that sad lil Charlie Brown Christmas tree was dropping needles if you ask me.

~ I am fucking Germ-X-ing myself to a fare-thee-well. Word.

~ Gay icon Bea Arthur passed away on Saturday. Her impeccible timing and talent will be missed.

~ The Fella is more than a little freaked out by the Swine Flu/End of Times, too. Give us a list of symptoms and put us in the same room and within 30 minutes we’ll be fucking clawing each other’s eyes out for the title of Patient Zero. No lie.

If you’ll pardon me now, I need to go collect my Level 7 Haz-Mat suit from the dry-cleaners. 

Which is run by a lovely Hispanic couple.

Fuck.