Mitchell Sherman tracks The Cryptkeeper down at the courthouse to tell her that her death certificate has been rescinded and all monies and property bequeathed to her heirs are to be returned. The Cryptkeeper remembers what brought her and Marge to be in the car together that night back in October. She tells Old Boy that Marge deserves a real send-off.

Kevin and Amber’s arraignment begins with Heather pushing for Kevin to be remanded back into the custody of the Genoa City police. Michael tells the judge that Kevin is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome as a result of the torture he suffered at the hands of Clint Radisson. Amber stands up and shoots her mouth off, leading the judge to order the bailiff to sit her down and shut her up. When he does, Kevin goes fucking ballistic.

Kevin is drug out of court. The judge tells Michael and Heather that he will observe Kevin’s behavior in chambers and issue a ruling. The court is in recess.

Resident Genoa City Einstein Lauren agrees to let No-Duh take Lispy home so that she can get back to the courthouse for Kevin’s arraignment. Lauren leaves and Lispy tells No-Duh she wants to go to his house with him so that she can help explain things to his parents. “Okay, dad’s place it is,” No-Duh replies.

Phyllis is freaking out. “Nick, please don’t…please don’t do this again. Not with Sharon, please…”

At the cabin, Nick and Saint Sharon are making me fucking sick…

Sharon: If Noah and Eden are back home, why are we still here?
Nick: Maybe we don’t want to leave — because the last time we were here…
Sharon: Go on…
Nick: It was amazing. We both want to hold on to how it felt but we’re afraid…
Sharon: Afraid?
Nick: Neither one of us wants to let it go…

Meanwhile, Big Red’s meltdown continues. “This is going to happen again…you planned this, didn’t you, Sharon?” She grabs her coat and tears out the door.

Back at the cabin, the nausea grows…

Sharon: We had a really beautiful moment here. That’s all it was — just a moment. It came and went. Do you think if Cassie hadn’t died we’d still be together?
Nick: Yes
Sharon: I do too.

Time for a Sharon Collins Newman Abbott “it’s all about me” moment.

Sharon: Things are happening to me that I don’t understand. I make love to men and pretend they’re you. I’m doing things I don’t remember. I can’t stop myself and I’m falling apart.

Her transparent ploy pays off handsomely as Nick takes her in his arms.

No-Duh and Lispy arrive back at Nick and Phyllis’s only to find no one home. “Back at the cabin, you thaid you were fine about waiting but I think you’re way dithappointed in me. Are you?” the stupid bitch asks. No-Duh assures he ithn’t mad or dithappointed — she wath honetht with him. “I love you tho much,” Lispy whispers as they dissolve into a kiss. Ack.

Nick apologizes for fucking Sharon. It was wrong but I’ll never regret it, tall dark and stupid tells his ex. Don’t say that, the Saint tells her beloved, it meant more to me than you’ll ever know. That’s all it takes. The fuckery commences.

While Nick and Sharon are getting their freak on, Phyllis has stolen a maid’s uniform and breaks into Sharon’s suite at the GCAC. Armed with a pair of scissors, she surveys the landscape.

First stop: Sharon’s lingerie drawer where The Red Menace takes a pair of scissors to the whore’s unmentionables.

Hells yes! You go, girl!

Nick and Sharon fuck…

while Phyllis continues to go full tilt crazy on the whore’s lacey underalls.

More fucky-fucky…

while Phyllis’s rage builds to a fever pitch and she destroys the suite.

Nick is helping Sharon make happy…

At that very moment, Phyllis pulls out a nightstand drawer, revealing all the shit Ms. Thang has been stealing…including that fugly red Jeff Koons egg Ashley has been whining about.

Busted!

Daniel and Michael tell Amber to keep her fucking yap shut if she wants Kevin and herself to get off.

Sharon: I wish we could stay here forever.
Nick: Me too.

Sharon scurries off to get dressed. Nick realizes what a dick he is.

Phyllis takes a tube of lipstick and writes “I HATE MYSELF” on the mirror in Sharon’s room. “I hate you, too,” she whispers, as she picks up the phone. “Hello, is this the police? I work in housekeeping at the Genoa City Athletic Club and I was working in room 582 and it is incredible what I found. I can’t even explain it over the phone. It’s terrible. Can you get someone over here right away?”

God, I fucking love Phyllis.

The judge returns and orders Kevin sent to a psychiatric hospital for evaluation. Heather finally scores one and the charges against Amber are upheld with bail set at one million dollars.

No-Duh confides to Lispy that he’s not real experienced. Lispy says it wathn’t that she wanted to thtop — it jutht didn’t feel right. They start kissing again and this time things mutht feel right because she starts unbuttoning hith shirt.

Nick and Sharon stop at Crimson Lights where the barrista tells them No-Duh was there with Lispy…

Nick: Just so you know, I’m not sorry about what happened tonight.
Sharon: Good, neither am I. What are you going to tell Phyllis?
Nick: I don’t know…

The Cryptkeeper posts bond and Amber is released.

Michael and Jana go to see Kevin. Michael experiences deja vu. Wait a minute — it’s the padded cell he saw Kevin in in his “It’s A Wonderful Life” riff the show did at Christmas. “You promised! You said I would be safe — you lied to me, Michael!” Kevin screams.

Nick and Phyllis return home at the same time…

Phyllis: So what did I miss?  Regarding No-Duh, what did I miss? You talked to him, right…?
Nick: I think you and I should talk…
Phyllis: Really? What do we need to talk about?

They walk in and find No-Duh and Lispy McFivehead nakey on the fuck sofa…

Lispy: Mithter and Mithuth Newman — we were waiting for both you
Phyllis: Doesn’t look like a lot of waiting was going on.

Nick tells her to get dressed and he’ll take her home.

Sharon arrives at her suite to find the police. ‘We’re investigating a report of stolen merchandise and personal belongings. Can you tell me where this came from?” the officer asks holding up the bagged egg. “What about the rest of this? The tags are still on them…they yours?” Cue Sharon’s busted face and tragic weave.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.’

Michael and Jana keep vigil outside Kevin’s room. Jana’s experiences more blinding headaches and Michael talks her into going home and getting some rest. I don’t think sleep is the cure for a brain tumor, barrister.

While Nick takes Lispy to Lauren, Phyllis waits with No-Duh, who is cocky as hell now that he’s gotten laid. Apparently Lispy is fucking amazing in the sack (or there’s a Cost Cutters in the back of Nick and Phyllis’s house) because No-Duh suddenly has  a new hairstyle in the ten minutes since getting caught (see above screen-caps for proof). Score another one for the Y&R continuity department. Phyllis tells Noah that actions have consequences and they all have to deal with that.  She then asks if he wore a rubber and the pissy little bastard storms out for a walk.

Detective Wallace stops by Sharon’s suite to question her. The Saint insists the stolen articles are not hers. “I have questions,” Wallace tells her. “I have questions of my own so yours are just going to have to wait!” Sharon shrieks and calls Jack.

Nick delivers Lispy to Lauren. She tells Lauren she fucked No-Duh and it was wicked amazing and she doesn’t regret it.

Jack shows up at Sharon’s suite and insists his sainted soon-to-be ex-wife has been set up. “I think I know why these things are here — I think I might have taken them…” Sharon says in that airy-fairy way of hers. Way to go, dipshit.

Meanwhile, Nick returns home where he makes the biggest mistake of his life and tells Phyllis that they need to talk, they’ve put it off long enough and they both know what’s coming…

Nick: I’m not saying we’re done…
Phyllis: Done? We’re not done. We’re NOT done. Definitely. I’m not going to give up. I’m going to let you give up. We’ve gone through so much — I’m not letting you give up.
Nick: We both know what I’m about to say to you and I don’t want to say it.
Phyllis: Then don’t.
Nick: We need to seperate.
Phyllis: You slept with Sharon…
Nick: Yeah, it happened. Again.
Phyllis: Again. Wow. Okay, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Alright, well the first time it was because of all your memories together — you have history, you have a kid — I understood that, I really did, and I made a superhuman effort…wow…I did. I mean I was amazing.
Nick: Yes you were.
Phyllis: Yeah, I was. And you looked at me and you swore to me that it was over…

Nick: I really thought it was.
Phyllis: What are we doing? What is this? I thought you loved me…did you never love me?
Nick: Don’t be ridiculous. I love you — I still do. I love our life together. I love Summer, too.
Phyllis: Too? Too? Next to Sharon. Also. Behind Sharon. Because Sharon comes first — she always has and she always will.
Nick: That’s not true…
Phyllis: Oh my God, we all have a first love and we move on. WE MOVE ON! We don’t just keep holding on to our first love! But you two! You’re in a blizzard together, you’re talking about old times and you’re healing old wounds and talking about how good it is to be together and then you come home and you tell me “that’s history, that’s history — you’re my future, you and Summer.” I am a moron…an idiot — AN IDIOT! — for believing you. I am an idiot FOR HOLDING ONTO THIS!
Nick: …
Phyllis: You admitted to me that you were in love with her — you’ve always been in love with her. During our entire marriage you’ve been in love with her. When did you know? When did you know that you were just using me to get over the death of Cassie?

Detective Wallace informs Sharon that the total of the items is well into the thousands of dollars which makes it a felony. Sharon is read her rights. Hell yeah!

While Lispy gives Lauren the down and dirty details about her evening on the fuck sofa, No-Duh meets his Aunt Vicboria at the GCAC to share his take on the evening. Lispy tells Lauren they uthed protection and she’th no longer a virgin. Vicboria finally puts two and two together and gets popped cherry. Lauren would feel better if they were older.

Michael is livid when he realizes that Heather is behind Kevin being in 24 hour confinement. She takes the hard edged bitch stance and says that Kevin faked that shit in court and she’s not coddling him — too many lives are at stake.

Phyllis: So you’ve packed a bag. You’re actually leaving?
Nick: After everything that’s happened, I don’t think staying would be fair to you.
Phyllis: Fair?
Nick: I’m trying to be honest with you.
Phyllis: Are you? Well, thank you…thank you for being honest.
Nick: What do you want me to say to you?
Phyllis: Oh I actually want you to say a lot of things to me. You owe that to me. I want to hear you say it.
That while were building a life together and while we were having a child together, that you were still in love with Sharon. I want to hear that. I want to hear you say that to me. Because it’s the truth, right? I want to hear you say it to me.
Nick: I don’t know…
Phyllis: You don’t know? Really? Why not? You say it to me. Say it to me because then I’ll give up.

Nick: Don’t do this…
Phyllis: Say it to me. Say it to me. SAY IT TO ME! SAY IT TO ME!! I need to hear you say it!
Nick: Phyllis…
Phyllis: Oh, God — just get out. Leave. Please. Just. Leave.

He does.

Meanwhile, Saint Sharon is booked.

Bwah-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Phyllis calls Michael and asks him to come over. He’s too busy with his dumbass brother. Phyllis is totally alone. Again, Michelle Stafford breaks my heart. Emmy, please.

Nick goes to stay with Vicboria. Could somebody run these two through a fucking car wash already? Jesus Christ, when did soap and water become verboten?

Jack calls Michael who inexplicably shows up despite the fact he hates Jack and everything he did to Gloria. Baldwin refuses to represent Sharon when he finds out she stole shit from Fenmore’s and puts two and two together regarding the books from Trumbles. Hahahahahahahahaha.

Gloria gets a nurse to let her in Kevin’s room. She tries to talk to him but Kevin hallucinates that she’s a big squeaky voiced chipmunk. What a load of shit.

Lauren tells Michael that Lispy gave her flower to No-Duh. He has the same stomach churning reaction I did. Michael tells Lauren and Lispy that Sharon is the one that stole the books Lispy got busted for.

No-Duh returns home and Phyllis tells him Nick is gone.

Jack asks Sharon if she wants him to call Nick. “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, don’t tell him,” the drama queen emotes, knowing full well he’ll find out.