You know how some people just can’t seem to keep their fucking traps shut? How it’s like they have to constantly be saying something and most of that is stupid, inconsequential shit that makes you want to sucker punch them in the larynx? And as if that isn’t bad enough, you hear them saying the same goddamn annoying thing to someone else that they just said to you 30 seconds earlier? 

Along with my most recent job title I have inherited an underling who meets all of the above criteria. His name is Sterling and he’s chock full of the annoying. Every day when he’s not pointing out to me what a fan-fucking-tastic worker he is, his 53-year-old ass feels compelled to share some nugget of stupidity that sets my teeth on edge.

Here are the current Top 5 – which coupled with a Ned Flanders-esque voice that is like fingernails on the chalkboard of my mind — routinely set my ass to boiling:

1.  “Are you the one that ordered all this snow/rain/heat?”  Yes, I am.  Unfortunately, that plague of locusts to go all feral on your ass is still temporarily out of stock.

2.  “Smile, young man — it makes people wonder what you’re up to.”  So does shutting up and working quietly at your station. What say we both do that, leaving everyone fucking puzzled to beat the band, huh?

3.  “Did you watch the game yesterday?”  No, you stupid son-of-a-bitch — I’m a fucking faggot. The only thing I watched yesterday was a REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW YORK marathon in between scrapbooking and giving my boyfriend head.

4.  “Boy, she’s got a nice pair, huh?”  Nice pair of what? I know you ain’t talking about those sorry fucking Payless clod hoppers she’s shuffling around in or those tired ass Sally Jesse Raphael frames she’s been sporting since 1992…

5.  “Do you want to hear something funny?”  Always.  But unless you’re about to tell me you have 12 minutes to live, I doubt anything passing your perpetually chapped lips will generate even a chuckle, you smarmy fat bag of shit.