Per usual, any time I write something from the heart regarding The Fella and our relationship I get e-mail. E-mail berating me. E-mail supporting me. E-mail telling me what a dysfunctional fuck I am. E-mail telling me I just don’t give enough info to make an informed decision.  Since the latter is the only one of those I can do anything about…

~ First and foremost, I am not breaking things off with The Fella at any time in the foreseeable future. I tend to forget that even though I view this as a place to express my feelings and try to work through them, many of you tend to see posts like yesterday’s as the “gospel” and think I immediately act on what I am thinking. I don’t. Contrary to the general perception, I am a fairly sensible guy. I almost pulled yesterday’s post after I went back and reread it because I knew that I would be ripped a new one for expressing how I was feeling at that particular moment. I know I have a lot of issues, but I think it’s better I “verbalize” things here and work through them rather than just shoot my big fat trap off and create more problems.

~ Seriously — not one person got the “not looking like a couple” thing? It’s like when you try on a shirt and you totally love it and want to buy it but it’s just not you. You could wear it, but people are always going to be like “that’s a great shirt…on someone else” and no matter how hard you try to work it, the two of you are never going to truly fit. No one gets that? Jesus.

~ And yeah, it still kind of bugs me that we don’t look like a couple. Maybe a bro-mance, but not a couple.

~ The job thing is kind of weird in that I don’t talk to him about my job much because (1) he seems very uninterested in what I do and (2) he’s usually complaining about his job…which makes me wonder why he would think I’d want to work there.

~ In regards to the not being introduced thing, a reader wrote in to ask if my boxers are in a bunch every time he runs into a guy he knows. No. We run into people all the time and one us will exchange a “hey, how’s it going?” and then move on, filling the other in later that that was so-and-so from such-and-such. What makes me feel stupid and confused is when he runs into a guy and will proceed to talk to them for 15 or 20 minutes while I stand there like a fucking idiot (if we’re lucky enough to be in a store, I just wander off and amuse myself but often this will happen on the street and I end up looking like a fucking serial eavesdropper with the other guy periodically looking at me like “who IS this guy?”).

~ To Chrissy, I don’t just carry around baggage — I gots the whole fuckin’ Louis Vitton collection, babydoll. I know this and believe it or not, I’m actually a shitload better than I was 5 years ago. In fact, The Fella freely acknowledges said baggage, and has commented on the ways I’ve improved in the last year.

~ “These things are bugging me– and making me feel …”? Oh, cb —  I couldn’t say that and keep a straight face — it’s all so Dr Phil.

~ My feelings for The Fella haven’t changed. I still love him. I just feel like putting the brakes on a little wouldn’t hurt until I’m sure of where his mind is at in regards to things.

~ And perhaps the most shocking omission (which I think was in the initial draft and then wound up on the editing floor because it was sandwiched between two rambling paragraphs that went absolutely nowhere)…I’m going to ask The Fella where he sees this relationship going while we’re away this weekend. Do I want to? No — because there’s a good chance I won’t like the answer. Am I going to do anyway? Yes.

Either way, I’ll have an answer next week and so will you.

Everybody happy now?

Hugs,

- Dirk