Totally busted and about to be exposed for the brother-in-law fucking ho’ she is, Sharon starts bawling.

“Those tears aren’t going to work on me,” Phyllis tells The Saint. Sharon knocks some ceramic monkeys on the floor and Phyllis picks them up and places them on a table by the door.

At Club Indigo, Baby Huey asks chicken adobo Karen where Mr. Neil and her mother are. CAK evades the questions and suggests they get a Shirley Temple before their meeting with the social worker.

At Crimson Lights, Neil asks Deafie to tell him what he thinks he saw…

Deafie: There’s no thinking about it — I know what in the hell I saw. How could you do this?
Neil: I don’t know what to say here. I’m sorry…
Deafie: You’re sorry you’re having an affair with my aunt?
Neil: I didn’t want this to happen, believe me — it just happened.
Deafie: You’re my father, Neil — you don’t mess around! Or at least I thought you didn’t.
Neil: I tried to stop it.
Deafie: You know this hurts the whole family. You think child services would let you adopt Ana if they knew you were sleeping with Tyra? Are you in love with Tyra?
Neil: I-I-I don’t know how to answer that…
Deafie: Is it that or you don’t want to say? Dammit Neil — I looked up to you. You’re the only father figure I’ve had in my life and the only person I could count on to teach me right from wrong and you’ve let me down.

Victor tells the pocket Newman he’s asking him to get him a get of jail free card but he’s not once apologized for what he did. “You have learned nothing in prison,” The Moustache sneers. “you know for a moment I thought I might want to help you. I’ve changed my mind!” Victor storms out. Ashley tells Adam she’ll talk to Victor and get him to help Adam. “Then you really don’t know him at all,” the pocket Newman replies.

Sharon’s sniffle fit continues…

Phyllis: Wow — is this how you played Brad and NIck?
Sharon: I’ve just been in a strange place lately. I’ve been in a fog. I’ve been waiting for the fog to lift and get my feet on the ground and I feel like I’m floating…
Phyllis: You can’t feel the ground under your feet but you can feel the mattress under your back.
Sharon: Please, Phyllis — it’s never going to happen with Billy again. I called it off. Please don’t hurt Billy and Jack just because you’re angry with me. I’m begging you…

Jack urges Billy to think long and hard about walking away from his daughter.

At Club Indigo, the social worker is about to leave when Neil finally shows up. She tells them to expect many home visits in the next few weeks. After she leaves, CAK berates him for being late. She then tells him that Baby Huey has been asking about Tyra. “We’re going to have to tell her that Tyra doesn’t work her any more, CAK tells her unfaithful spouse. “Well, that’s really not true,” Neil stammers, “I didn’t fire her.” CAK serves up a “whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” face:

Sharon begs Phyllis not to tell Jack about Brad. “Brad? You mean Billy,” Phyllis corrects her. “Sharon, I think you need some help…” No, Sharon cries, wiping her snotty nose all over her hands. Pig.

The phone rings and while Phyllis is answering it, Saint Sharon staggers to the door. As she is about to leave, she spots the ceramic monkeys she knocked over earlier and steals that shit.

Victor remembers when Hope was pregnant and the doctor told them that the blindness gene could be passed to their baby resulting in complete blindness.

Ashley encourages Victor to be there for his son while he can. If he doesn’t and something happens, he’ll regret it for the rest of his life.

Sharon calls Billy. “It’s Phyllis — she knows about us,” she informs her fuck buddy. “Phyllis threatening to tell. I can’t see you again. It’s over.”

A pissed Billy storms out of the GCAC dining room and over to the Chancellor mansion where he begs Chloe for another chance. When she resists, he plants one on her.

Sharon is sulking in her room at the GCAC when Jack knocks on the door. She lets him in and of course breaks down…

Sharon: If you knew what I’ve done…
Jack: Don’t you know by now, I love you no matter what.
Sharon: You will only be disappointed…
Jack: Is there someone else?
Sharon: Yeah — don’t you know? Sharon can’t stand being on her own — she just grabs the first guy that walks by. It’s true. You’re going to hear it any way, so you might as well hear it from me…
Jack: I want you to hear this from me: I don’t care what you’ve done, I don’t care who you’ve been with. I don’t care what people say. It doesn’t mater. None of it matters. All that matters is I love you more now than ever before. Come home — I want to take care of you.
Sharon: Please just keep me safe…keep me safe from the rest of the world.

To seal the deal, Sharon fucks him.

Ashley goes back to the pen to see Adam. She asks him to try being less hostile with his father. Adam whines about how alone he is in the world. Victor returns and tells his son he’s going to talk to the district attorney and see if he can get him released into his custody. He will stay at the ranch and he will tow the line or his ass will go back to the pen. Adam agrees to the deal.

Phyllis notices the ceramic monkeys are gone. “Sharon…”

Nikki tells The Cryptkeeper that she just spoke to Olivia and the results of the DNA test will be in this afternoon (and Olivia personally supervised the testing to insure there was no tampering). Enter Gloria, who is very dismayed to discover that The Cryptkeeper has no memory of their shared jail time or the fact they are “dear friends.” She begs the crone to at least do what she can to help Kevin since he did so much for her. Nikki and her chins blanch at Gloria’s audacity.

Wallace shows up Crimson Lights to tell WHITE CHICKS Amber, Jana, and Daniel that Kevin’s fingerprints were found all over the robbery crime scene in Minnesota. “Other than the fact that Kevin is the Silver Chipmunk, what else are you three hiding?” Cue Jana and Daniel puting on the “Huh? Who? Us?” Guilt Spectacular:

I’m going to guess they’re hiding what a fucking moron Kevin is, because at that very moment the former online predator is running out the doors of his latest robbery…and stops to put his chipmunk head in a dufflebag. Good thinking, Kev –banking facilities never have cameras outside their doors…especially when there are ATM’s right there:

At the GCAC, Billy introduces Jack to Mary Jane Vincent, the new head of PR at Jabot.”Nice to met you,” Victor’s henchwoman coos, “I already know so much about you…”

At the Genoa City courthouse,things are a’buzzin’: Michael tells Daniel not to let WHITE CHICKS Amber go searching for Kevin on her own…Victor tells Michael he MUST get the pocket Newman out of prison…Heather shows up asking why she was told to get to the courthouse immediately in regards to Adam (what — the D.A.’s office doesn’t give their representatives adequate info to try their cases? Jesus.)

Chloe tells Jill and Esther she’s moving back to the Abbott mansion. “We talked last night,” Chloe sighs, “and we’re working it out…” Cut to Billy at the Saint’s hotel room door. She weakly tells him to stay away, then lets him in and shuts the door…

Sharon: Billy — stop! Phyllis knows about us and she’s got a big mouth!
Billy: Who cares?
Sharon: We never ever should have started this from the get-go. What am I going to tell my son if he finds out? Imagine Delia were at teenager and found out you were sleeping around all over town — what would you tell her?

Jack tells Mary Jane (who is totally going to be revealed to be Mary Jo Reynolds, the woman who was obsessed with Jack, shot Victor and tried to frame Jill for it) that Jabot is a family business and they won’t be needing her services. Mary Jane tells him that she intends to focus on him and raise his public persona. “Your public image is tarnished,” she says, “People think of you as a man without scruples. If they can’t trust you, why trust the product? You were opening a casino while you served in the state senate. No conflict of interest there? You resigned your seat in disgrace, your cheated your stepmother out of her inheritance. Scandal sticks to you. I wanna turn you into the public persona of a cutting edge company. You’re the brand, you should be front and center. You shouldn’t be hiding out…” Of course, this plays into Jack’s ego and he eagerly takes her card, telling her he will be in touch.

Victor tells the judge that sending Adam back to prison is tantamount to a death sentence and asks that Adam’s sentence tbe commuted to serving the remainder of his time under The Moustache’s watchful eye. I think I’d take my chances getting ass raped every hour on the hour if I were you, Adam. The judge decides to grant Victor’s request (like she had a choice — he’s Victor Newman, dammit!) and tells Adam he will serve the remainder of his sentence under house arrest at the Newman ranch. He will wear an ankle monitor and be allowed off the ranch only for pre-arranged medical visits. If for any reason he violates the conditions he will be returned to prison and serve out the remainder of his 18 months.

Jana sees online that Kevin has struck again — this time in Filmore, Minnesota.

Kevin returns to the cabin and gives his “daddy” the money from his heist. Clint is so excited he promptly has a heart attack and overacts his way into the great beyond. 

Kevin has a meltdown.

Nikki calls Jill over to the GCAC. She is pissed to se The Cryptkeeper there and later thrown for a loop when the crone asks her how she liked the lingerie she sent her for Christmas. Nikki tells Jill that they are having another DNA test done with the hair she got with the ring yesterday. Jill is livid. When she sees “Marge” sporting the now infamous emerald ring, Nikki says she gave it back to its rightful owner.

Chloe tells Esther she is going to make things work with Billy and is bringing her A game. Later, she pretends to have changed her mind again and gets Billy to beg her to go back to the mansion with him. The old Chloe’s back.

Sharon and her tragic coiff tell Jack they are moving back to the mansion. The denutted sap is thrilled.

Daniel, WHITE CHICKS Amber, and Jana tell Gloria that Kevin is the Silver Chipmunk.

Kevin begs Clint to wake up and screams out for Gloria to help him. When that doesn’t help, he drags Clint’s body into the closet and locks him in. “You are a bad, bad father! Now you have to stay in the closet and if you’re good, maybe I’ll let you out!”

Scenes from the Genoa City courthouse…

Heather: I’m glad you’re out of prison.
Adam: Is that right? Why’d you send me there?

Done with that ho’, the pocket Newman turns to his daddy…

Adam : Thank you for your help,Victor.
Victor: You can show your gratitude by acting like Victor Newman’s son.

Well, you’ve got the moustache and the pompous dick act down pat — time to knock up half the town, Adam.

WHITE CHICKS Amber shows up at the GCAC where The Cryptkeeper tells her that Nikki believes she’s Katherine Chancellor. Nikki gets a call from Olivia telling her the DNA test proves that the crone and Jill are not a match (Jesus, people — wake up! This only proves they are not mother and daughter, not that the hag isn’t the real deal! Call Brock Reynolds and have him pony up some DNA already!) Jill rips into The Cryptkeeper for torturing her family and the bag of bones wanders off to her room.

WHITE CHICKS Amber tells The Cryptkeeper she’s going to look for Kevin but will help her solve this DNA mystery when she gets back. Amber, you can’t even tie a scarf properly — how the fuck are you going to tackle genetics?

Sharon shows up at the Abbott mansion looking like 40 miles of bad road and tells Jack her moving back doesn’t mean anything. The eunich acknowledges that and tells her he loves her and wants to be there for her.

Ashley takes Adam back to the ranch where he is outfitted with an ankle bracelet. She explains that the bracelet is connected to the phone line and if he goes more than 200 feet from it, the police will be notified. The pocket Newman thanks her for talking to his daddy on his behalf. Ashley tells him she’s pregnant.

Jill begs Nikki to stop trying to prove the validity of “Marge’s” claims that she is Katherine Chancellor. Nikki says she is the real deal and is going to prove it.

Victor: So how did it go?
Mary Jane: I followed your instructions. Everything went according to plan.
Victor: You know Jack Abbott only wants what he cannot have.
Mary Jane: It was fun to watch him squirm…he was quite irritated.
Victor: Was he intrigued?
Mary Jane: Very. It was thrilling to watch him take the bait.
Victor: You follow my directions and you’ll have many more thrills to come.

Saint Sharon is just settling in when Chloe and Billy come in, announcing they are moving back to the mansion.

Oh shit, Sharon.

WHITE CHICKS Amber shows up in the scene of Kevin’s latest robbery and asks the cop if they’ve caught the man responsible. Because they would totally tell your average skank on the street.

Kevin watches a news report about his latest robbery. “That’s me, dad,” he exclaims, picking up his gun. “What should I do next?” May I suggest wrap up this shit pronto?

Nikki tells Jill that The Cryptkeeper has checked out of the GCAC. That’s because she’s an imposter, Jill replies — and you gave her that ring as a going away present. “You’re quite the sucker,” Jill adds as she walks away.

Outside Crimson Lights, The Cryptkeeper delivers a monologue. “Well maybe this is the way it was meant to be. You survived that car accident and cheated fate. You just don’t belong here any more, Katherine…” She hails a taxi.

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