To: The Walt Disney Company
From: I work hard for the money, so hard for the money, I work hard for the money so you better treat me right and by right I don’t mean shoving an item that is highly susceptible to scratches into a cheap ass mother fucking cardboard wrapper and then charging me a goddamn arm and a leg for it Dirk Mancuso

Um, yeah — about that stupid WALL-e movie you’ve been hawking since November…what the hell is up with the cheap mother fucking cardboard packaging that hasn’t even held up from your Mexican plant to the store? Seriously, look at this shit:

You expect me to say $19.99 for this?

I don’t think so.

Somebody’s drinking the goddamn bong water if they think I’m paying that for a fucking cheap ass cardboard slipcover — especially for a movie that wasn’t all that good to begin with.

Oh, and don’t give me the whole “it’s a movie about the environment and recycling and blah blah blah” because that shit doesn’t hold up when you packaged the fucking Blu-ray in a plastic case. And don’t try to deny it because I Nancy Drew-ed that shit and went all photo-journalist on your asses to bring my readers the scoop:

Plastic.

What would that little robotic fucker say whistle and beep-beep if he saw that, huh?

Seriously, if you think for one minute I would not only pay you $20 for an inferior product, but then take it home and place it beside my other properly packages dvd’s, you’re fucking nuts.

Jesus.

~ *~*~*~

To: my lazy fucking freeloading ex-high school classmate/resident welfare whore
From: just another taxpayer forced to support your endless attempts to pollute the gene pool Dirk Mancuso

Hey, cunt dollop!

Yeah, you with the fucking muffin top oozing over the top of those Bobbie Brooks jeans you’re sporting.

What the fuck is your goddamn deal?

No, I’m not talking about the fact the you haven’t worked a friggin’ day in your worthless, pathetic life (unless you count spreading your legs and letting every skeeze in the tri-county area take a poke at your gunt until you had three house apes to get state aid for) although that does severely piss me off.

And no, I’ m not talking about your insistence in wearing clothes 16 sizes too small for your gargantuan frame.

I’m talking about your filthy fucking display of lack of  rolemodel skills and general respect for anyone else.  I’m sure the details escape your pea  brain so let me refresh your pussy’s life support system:  at approximately 4:30pm Tuesday, I pulled into the Target parking lot to witness you changing your latest crib lizard’s diaper on the hood of your fucking Hummer (and on behalf of the working population of Illinois — you’re welcome, whore) in front of God and everybody, while cradling your bejeweled cell phone betwixt your line backer shoulder and those feed bags you call cheeks all the time  informing the callee that “Troy is not a re-libel source” and that if they wanted to know the real deal they needed to call you and you would “serve it straight, no chaser.” Now not only was I offended that you were misappropriating the tag line to SISTER2SISTER magazine,  but what you did next was even more offensive.  You finished changing that ugly baby’s diaper and threw the shit packed one in the parking lot:

Wow.

Worthless fuck puppet. Jobless skank. Welfare queen. And just when I thought your spawn had reason enough to be proud of you, you go and raise the bar by adding litterbug.

God, you make me sick.

~*~*~*~

To: the Brangelina of the double wide set, Ronald Cummings and Misty Croslin
From: “That’s not a tear in my eye, it’s a pebble — I’m so not going to cry…I swear!” Dirk Mancuso

It’s like something out of a fairy tale: a child disappears in the middle of the night and the father’s 17-year-old girlfriend can’t give the police a straight story as to what happened and then while a state searches for her body, the child’s father proposes at the local Chili’s and 4 days later they are joined in unholy matrimony in his grandmother’s backyard before jetting off to New York to be lambasted by a nation for their combo honeymoon/TODAY show appearance.

And the most touching part? They get hitched because it’s what the missing child wanted (I’m guessing in hindsight, the poor kid would have probably kicked that desire down a notch on the old wish list and moved “responsible parents” up to her top 3).

Sniff.

Is my eye liner running?

Best wishes and big hugs to you crazy kids — I hope the trailer park is a little bit brighter for you two today.