Dumb and Dumber tell Jill they are back together. They ask where Cordelia is. Jill tells them they moved out to be with Billy.

The morning after fucking Sharon, Billy is pissed to find that Chloe has left a shitload of voicemails asking where he is.

Ashley warns Chloe not to get her hopes up where Billy is concerned.

Gloria goes to Crimson Lights in cognito to avoid the press. 

Clint overacts something fierce, announcing that things are getting “too hot” and that it’s time to “pull the plug.”

Jana gets pissy with Kevin for leaving her alone to run the coffee house while he runs around looking for The Cryptkeeper. Kevin remembers seeing The Cryptkeeper wearing the same coat he saw in the hotel room and rushes off to call Amber. He leaves her a voicemeail telling him he thinks he knows where The Cryptkeeper is. He then calls the hotel room but doesn’t say anything when Clint answers. Radisson is frantic.

Jana defends Gloria from a couple of patrons who tell Mrs. Bardwell that she deserves to pay for killing Emma Gibson.

Chloe shows up at the penthouse and tells Billy he is moving to the Abbott mansion today. The twosome begin squabbling. There is a knock at the door. It’s The Thunder From Down Under and America’s Former Next Top Model…

Cane: So I’ve come to see my daughter but I had to track her down since her mother failed to notify me she was moving.
Chloe: Oh yeah? Well now you know.
Lily: You could’ve told him, Chloe.
Chloe: Look at you guys — you’re attached at the hip. Didn’t waste any time, did we?
Cane: That’s because enough time has been wasted already.
Chloe: Well, actually Delia is sleeping. She didn’t sleep at all last night so we really don’t need any visitors.
Billy: Elevator’s that way, mate.
Cane: Well since you saw fit to take her without notifying me, I’ve taken steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Chloe: Really? What steps?
Cane: I called my attorney on my way over in the car and now I’m going to sue for full custody.

Ashley is livid that Gloria got off on the product tampering charges. “That bitch needs to pay for what she’s done to us!” Ashley shrieks. Jack says karma will get to Gloria. “Karma? Karma?!?!? What the hell are you up to, Jack? Until we hear from Billy and Tracy, the lawsuit stands!”

Jill tells Jeffrey that they are through. Meanwhile, Gloria signs the divorce papers he gave her in jail.

Billy tells Cane that he and Chloe are getting married and they are raising Cordelia together. Cane says that Billy and Chloe are too selfish to raise a baby and the next time they see him, he’ll have a court order to take Cordelia with him.

Kevin shows up at the hotel room and Clint intercepts him at the door. Roger spots them through the window and herds the women into the bathroom. Clint tells Kevin the only woman in the room is his sister and invites Kevin inside to look around. Idiot that he is, Kevin takes him up on his offer and promptly finds himself in a chokehold courtesy of Clint while Annie injects him with a sedative.

Jack goes to see Jill,asking to take over Billy’s place as CEO at Jabot. Ashley shows up and tells Jill she wants to continue with the civil suit against Gloria. Ashley and Jack accuse one another of acting behind the other’s back.

In the dumbest plot “twist” yet, Clint suddenly produces a bomb from his duffle bag.

Wait, make that the second dumbest “twist — THE dumbest is when they sit a drugged Kevin on the sofa, then place his hand on the bomb…

and take pictures they will send to the police linking him to the bomb.

Lily tells Cane after what she saw at the apartment, she knows that they are the best parents for Cordelia. 

Jeffrey shows up at Crimson Lights professing his love for Gloria. He tells his wife that thanks to him she no longer has the threat of jail hanging over his head or the guilt of thinking she murdered someone. Gloria punches him in the gut and tells him she signed the divorce papers and sent them to Michael already. Jeffrey tells her this isn’t over and storms out. Jana congratulates hr mother-in-law on getting rid of the bum, but Gloria looks unconvinced.

Kevin wakes up in the trunk of the car and begins to freak out (he’s claustraphobic from being locked in a closet as a child).

Clint tells Esther and The Cryptkeeper that he’s set a bomb and is planning to blow them up.

Sharon, Doris, and No-Duh go to Crimson Lights. No-Duh points out a girl across the room — Mia –and tells his mother that the girl is his new girlfriend. When he goes over to talk to Mia, Sharon voices her concern that her son may still be seeing Lispy.

Nick, Phyllis, Vicboria and J.T. arrive at the GCAC for Victor’s birthday party. Vicboria obviously rolled out of bed and came to the party.

Nikki enters and Vicboria tries to persuade her mother not to go in. Nikki tells her skank daughter that she will not let Big Daddy get to her.

Paul rips into Heather for defending Adam to Victor. Heather says she feels compassion for her ex-fiancee — he never would have committed the acts he did if not driven to by Victor. Shut up, Heather.

Over at the penetentiary, Adam is having trouble seeing the print in a book. Ruh-roh, looks like someone has inherited Hope’s degenerative eye disease.

Doris tells her sainted daughter that she believes she is having memory lapses again, but Sharon scoffs, spilling Doris’s tea in the process. Doris watches as Saint Sharon ponies up to the counter for a refill…

gets the sleepy face…

and promptly swipes an unattended cell phone lying on the counter.

Cue orgasm face:

Doris rolls over and snatches the phone out of Sharon’s purse.

The Saint proclaims no involvement in it winding up in her purse. Doris begs her perfect spawn to see a shrink but once more Saint Sharon refuses.

Amber shows up at Crimson Lights looking for Kevin. When the skank explains to Jana and Gloria that she got a message saying he had located The Cryptkeeper, a pissed off Jana tells Amber to tell him to get his skinny ass back to work. Gloria follows Amber out the door.

A terrified and traumatized Kevin flashes back to being abused and locked in a closet by the late, lamented Tom Fisher.

Clint, Roger, and Annie leave the gagged Cryptkeeper and Esther to blow up. Annie sneaks back in under the pretext to get Ahote and removes their gags so the duo can say their final goodbyes. They begin screaming their heads off.

Abby goes to Crimson Lights and runs into No-Duh who introduces her to his new squeeze, Mia. Alone, Abby accuses her nephew of using Mia as a cover while he’s secretly dating Lispy. Of course, No-Duh immediately admits this. Idiot.

Abby is rightfully disgusted by his choice in women but agrees not to say anything to Nick and Sharon. After she leaves, No-Duh calls Lispy, telling her “so far, so good.”

Nikki calls an auction house regarding The Cryptkeeper’s emerald ring but cannot reach anyone in charge. When Victor  goes to the bar for a drink, Nikki calls him over to her table where she wishes him a happy b-day and then tells him about the ring which by all rights should be hers if not for some savage twists of fate. Victor notes the name of the auction house and says he will see what he can do — he has some contacts there. What a fucking prince.

Heather goes to see the pocket Newman who is not exactly throwing wood to see her. Heather recommends a new public defender but Adam declares he doesn’t want her help. Upset or constipated — it’s so hard to tell with her — Heather turns to leave but drops her purse, spilling all her shit in the process. The assistant D.A. scoops up her crap and beats a hasty retreat.

Paul shows up at GCAC and Nikki tells him about Victor offering to help her get the ring. WIlliams is not pleased that his new girlfriend is opening herself up to being hurt by The Moustache.

Nick and Phyllis sneak off from the party to make out…by the fucking door of the GCAC…

Nick: I love you and nothing is ever going to come between us again.
Phyllis: Nothing…not even Sharon?
Nick: No more. Never again.

Phyllis goes to touch up her make-up and Nick turns around to see Saint Sharon, pissed to the hilt.

Nick: Sharon…
Sharon: That’s it. Never again.

She storms upstairs and I am left contemplating those sweet, succulent lips of his.

The Cryptkeeper and Esther struggle to free themselves resulting in The Cryptkeeper tipping her chair over. Amber shows up, hears the screaming women, and uses a maid’s cart to bust down the door. Those must be some cheap fucking doors.

Clint and the gang sit in the car listening to Kevin screaming in the trunk. When Annie asks why they can’t let him go, Clint says they may need to use him as a human shield if they get in a tight spot.

At the bar, Victor asks Ashley what she got him for his birthday. She tells him she didn’t get him something, she made him something. Actually, they made it together. She’s pregnant!

Fuck me hard.

Back at the table, Phyllis notices that Hunkalicous is preoccupied.

Nick excuses himself, leaving a puzzled Phyllis looking after him as Victor announces to the table that “My beautiful Ashley is pregnant.”

Nikki passes by just in time to hear the announcement. 

Phyllis congratulates Victor and Ashley while Vicboria sits there looking like she shit herself.

Heather goes back to Adam’s cell to retrieve her compact and sees the lil hunk walk right into a chair. Yep, he’s going blind.

Phyllis goes to look for Nick to tell him the great news.

Nick goes to Sharon’s suite. She answers the door in her robe and a “come and get it” face.

Nick does.

Clint opens the trunk to check on Kevin. “Can I come out now?” Kevin asks weakly. Clint says he maybe faking it and tells Annie to give him another dose of the sedative. She does. Roger asks Clint what time it is. “Almost BOOM time…” Radisson replies.

Gloria bursts into the hotel room while Amber and The Cryptkeeper are untying Esther and spots the bomb.

The four women head for the door as the bomb begins counting down. On the way out, The Cryptkeeper trips over the fucking maid’s cart and awkwardly falls backward onto it…

as the clock hits ooo0.

Boom.