At the cabin, Lily accuses Chloe of faking her water breaking. Billy points out that the puddle on the floor is hard to fake. Lily says she’ll warm up the car, but Chloe announces the park rangers told her they were closing the roads because of the latest snow storm.

Clint and Roger take The Cryptkeeper to their hideout. The Cryptkeeper bites Clint and tries to make a break for it, but proves to be no match for two men centuries younger than her.

“You behave yourself or you’re not going to last long,” Clint tells her as he ties her to a chair.

Billy goes up to the ridge and calls the ranger station asking for help for a pregnant woman. The ranger tells him to keep her warm and wait it out until morning. (Awesome emergency training you got there, Mr Park Ranger!) Meanwhile, The Thunder From Down Under arrives at the very same ranger station asking how long the roads will be closed. “My girl is out there with the wrong guy and it’s my fault and I’m going to get there if I have to walk,” he tells the ranger who’s about as interested as the audience is. 

Lily times Chloe’s contractions — they are 20 minutes apart. Plenty of time for a catfight…

Lily: Tell me Chloe — how long were you going to keep lying to everyone? Manipulating all of us to get what you wanted?
Chloe: Do you think we could talk about this later? I’m about to drop a bowling ball here. Hehehe — Billy. He really put one over on you, huh? You just thought he was the perfect catch. He was lying to you the whole time but you were just so desperate. It’s hysterical.
Lily: Desperate? You want desperation — try looking in the mirror, Kate Valentine. Housekeeper’s daughter scheming to get knocked up by a Chancellor. And then you decide you want my Chancellor because because Billy won’t marry you. It all makes sense now — the reason Cane could never remember having sex with you was because it never happened.You just stormed into our lives and destroyed everything. We were supposed to get married and you just ruined that for no reason.
Chloe: You love Cane so much? You went out and got a dot com boyfriend! You almost jumped into bed with his brother! That’s true love? Please.

Ashley and Olivia have coffee at Crimson Lights and discuss their Valentine Day plans. Ashley tells her dearest friend about being replaced as Jabot CEO. “It’s extremely unsettling not knowing owns controlling shares in Jabot,” she confides in Dr. Barber.

Neil questions Victor about Gloria selling her Jabot stocks “I gotta ask you — are you a spectator in this event or one of the team owners?” Victor says he has no interest in getting involved in the Jabot debacle — his family comes first. Lying liar. Neil leaves and Big Vic calls Ashley, asking her to come by his office.

Amber and the gang tell Jill she’s wrong — The Cryptkeeper is the real deal no matter what the DNA tests say. Amber and Kevin suggest that Jill may have bribed the lab to switch swabs. Enter a worried Murphy who tells them that The Cryptkeeper has vanished. “You poor sap — the DNA tests are in! She left because she’s busted!” Jill tells Old Boy.

At Newman, Victor presents Ashley with a chair (representative of the vacant seat on the Newman board of directors now that The Jew bought it). Ashley says she will think about it. He has dinner catered in and they share a 30 second slow dance (this is the Maria Arena Bell era — no time for real romance when you can zip through 3 months worth of story in a 7 minute segment!). Over dinner, Ashley shows The Moustache a locket she had made for her with pics of both her dads in it. 

Back at the cabin, Billy tries to comfort Chloe, whose contractions are geting closer…

Meanwhile Lily goes with what she does best: looking stupid.

America’s Former Next Top Model takes her cell phone and a walkie talkie and says she’ll go to the ridge and call her Aunt Olivia to see what they should do. After she leaves, Chloe asks Billy how long he’s known the baby was his. He tells her ever since she fell off the ladder. Chloe is pissed he’s known since before Christmas and never said anything.

Amber says if The Cryptkeeper isn’t the real deal, why did she have the emerald ring? Jill whips out her phone and calls the police to report “Marge” for grand theft. The Scooby gang presses Murph for details about the note. He tells them that his gut tells him someone snatched her.

Back at the hideout, The Cryptkeeper struggles to get free as Clint and Roger put on their coats. ”Calm down, sweetheart…I got a trained nurse to look after you. Nothing but the best for my Duchess,” Clint tells The Cryptkeeper on his way out. Enter the nurse:

“Hey there, Sunshine — I’m Annie!” Oh Lord — it’s Edna Crabapple.

Neil drops by the hospital with Valentine candy for Olivia just as Lily calls asking for advice how to deliver a baby. Billy tells her via walkie talkie that the contractions are now 2 minutes apart.

Esther and Roger arrive at Crimson Lights where Jill gives her the DNA results.

Annie gets upset when The Cryptkeeper screams through her gag and suggests she calm down…

…then gives her an apple. “Gotta keep your blood sugar up, Sugar!” she smiles.

Olivia listens to Chloe’s screams via walkie talkie via cellphone and thinks the baby may be in a posterior position (face up in the birth canal). Billy will have to turn her around or she may suffocate. He does this during the commercial break. As she pushes, Chloe begs Billy to save the baby over her if it comes to that.

Meanwhile, Cane finds Lily. “I care about Chloe and I love my baby and I love you. I can’t stop loving you. There has to be a way we can work this out,” The Thunder From Down Under mumbles-slurs. Before she can respond, a baby’s cries come across the walkie. “She did it! The baby’s here!” Billy cries.

The police show up at Crimson Lights and inform Murphy and the Scooby gang that they won’t be investigating The Cryptkeeper’s disappearance since all signs point to her skipping town since Jill is pressing charges. Amber and Kevin vow not to give up on her.

With the DNA results in, Esther agrees to marry Roger immediately. While Esther goes to fix her face (that may take forever), Roger calls Clint and tells him about the results and his impending nuptials. “You’re a phony, Margie. The DNA results proved it and now the whole world knows. No one is looking for you,” Clint tells his captive.

Billy holds his newborn daughter.

Cane rushes in and snatches “his” baby, cooing that “daddy” is there.

Lily gives Billy the “I’m going to do the retarded thing and not tell him” look:

Nikki returns from taking care of her cancer-stricken sister and goes to Newman to see Nick. She walks in on Victor and Ashley macking. They break the news of The Jew’s death to the former stripper. Victor delights in twisting the knife by announcing that he’s offered Ashley The Jew’s vacant seat on the board of directors. Nikki offers a terse congratulations and walks out.

Jill tells Paul that the DNA tests prove that “Marge” is a fake. Paul tells her he hasn’t turned up anything on Roger yet.

At the cabin, Can hands Lily the baby and goes outside with Billy where he demands to know what Chloe was doing at the cabin. Billy asks him the same question. It was Lily, wasn’t it — he knew she was with his little brother and just couldn’t take it. Their pissing match is interrupted by Lily’s screams. They rush inside and America’s Former Next Top Model tells them that Chloe is bleeding and she can’t stop it.

Lily says Olivia told her that Chloe could begin hemorrhaging. Billy goes back to the ridge to call for help once again.

Ashley tells Victor he shouldn’t have said anything about the board seat to Nikki – she hasn’t said yes yet. She will, The Moustache informs her. Run, Ashley, run and don’t look back.

Esther tells Jill she’s on the way to the airport to elope. Jill begs the dumbass to wait a bit longer — don’t do anything rash because she’s missing The Cryptkeeper. Esther ponders this advice but Roger sweet talks her into going. Jill counters with the suggestion they have the wedding in Genoa City with Chloe as her maid of honor. Esther is thrilled with the idea. Roger counters once again with the suggestion they elope and then let Jill throw them a party when they get back. Esther believes this is the best of both worlds and rushes off to the airport with Roger.

Annie urges Clint to let her kill The Cryptkeeper and get it over with. The Cryptkeeper pretends to be asleep and overhears Clint telling his crazy accomplice that they are waiting for Roger to tie the knot with Esther and get the Chancellor fortune. Until then, they need The Cryptkeeper alive in case a Plan B is needed.

Billy and TTFDU fashion a and head out into the snow with Lily bringing up the rear with the baby.

Olivia calls Jill with the news that Chloe was had the baby. Jill catches Roger and Esther at the elevators and delivers the news. They all head for the hospital.

The Cryptkeeper waits until she’s alone with Annie and tells her that she doesn’t care what the test results say, she IS the real Katherine Chancellor and will reward her handsomely if she helps her escape. Roger calls Clint and tells him the wedding is delayed again — Chloe had the baby.

Nikki tells Paul that Casey is responding to the chemo very well. Paul tells Nikki about the DNA test results. Nikki tells Paul about Ashley getting Brad’s seat on the board (something she was never offered when she was with Victor). They fuck.

Parts of the placenta remained in Chloe’s uterus after the birth and the blood vessels connected to them are still active resulting in the hemorrhaging. She’ll need a transfusion and antibiotics for the potential infection from giving birth in a non-sterile environment. A nurse comes in and has Cane sign papers as the baby’s father. Esther and Jill show up and Cane delivers the bad news about Chloe.

Meanwhile, a delirious Chloe murmurs Billy’s name as the doctor says they are losing her…

Victor is unhappy when Ashley says she can’t accept the board seat without talking to Jack first.

Annie tells Clint about The Cryptkeeper’s offer. Radisson tells her she needs to watch her mouth or he’ll get rid of her quicker than he’s intending. This triggers a memory of when Clint was better looking…

and The Cryptkeeper was…well, still The Cryptkeeper….

The Cryptkeeper: Have you forgotten the last time we tangled? I kneed you in the groin before they carted you off to jail and I imagine you sang soprano for quite along time after that, didn’t you? So unless you want your family jewels pushed right back up into your throat…
Clint: Whoa! WHOA! How did you know –?!?!
The Cryptkeeper: Oh yes, yes, yes…that’s right — Marge was long gone. She couldn’t have known about that. Only Katherine remembers that deeply satisfying moment…

The doctor tells Chloe’s family that he’s done everything he can for Chloe but she’s lost a lot of blood and may not make it. Jill nearly shits herself when she sees Esther acting.

Minority Wednesday makes an appearance as hispanic Rafe stops by the Winters apartment to tell them that the judge has thrown out Yolanda’s appeal. Chicken adobo Karen says she wants to begin filing adoption papers immediately. Whoa, Neil says, they need to slow down. CAK is not happy.

Chloe’s Asian doctor (way to ratchet up Minority Wednesday, MAB!) informs her family she has septicemia — if the antibiotics fail she could go into shock and her organs could begin shutting down.

Ashley tells Jack about Victor’s offer of The Jew’s board seat. Jack hopes she told The Moustache what he could do with the seat. Ashley ponders what that means.

It’s the anniversary of Hope’s death and Victor is looking through her bible and recalling the good times with her.

Meanwhile in the penetentiary, the pocket Newman tells the African-American prison chaplin (mad props to Maria Arena Bell for making the most of Minority Wednesday!) how much he misses his mother, how his half-siblings dissed him, and how his father turned his back on him.

Chloe holds her baby briefly and tells her how much she loves her. “Take care of my little heart,” she says, giving the infant back to Cane. “She’s my heart, too,” The Thunder From Down Under replies. Billy walks out. Lily glares. A nation teeters on the brink of collapse from the staggering number of cliches in a single scene.

Victor remembers the day Hope kicked it and how she begged The Moustache and the pocket Newman to always take care of each other.

Note to the Y&R costume department: if Adam is in the state pen, I don’t think he would still be sportin’ Genoa City Jail duds. Let’s pay more attention to that shit, ‘kay?

Chicken adobo Karen pushes Neil to proceed with adoption proceedings. Mr. Winters gives in — but only after they talk to Tyra and get her approval.

At Crimson Lights, Tyra confides in Olivia that she now knows she should’ve told Neil how she feels…

Tyra: I should’ve said something to Neil before he got married. You were right — Neil is the best man I’ve ever known.
Olivia: There’s no point in thinking about what might’ve been.
Tyra: I don’t know — what if it still could be?
Olivia: Tyra…
Tyra: You encouraged me — you said don’t give up.
Olivia: Yeah, I said that — before he got married. Now he’s married. He’s off limits. No. No matter how right you think you two are together — NO.

Lily goes after Billy who tells her he isn’t going to stand around and watch Cane holding his kid…

Lily: If you had manned up when you found out about Chloe’s baby, none of this would’ve happened. I can’t believe I was ever attracted to you! Listen, tell Cane the truth because obviously Chloe can’t and I’m not going to be the one to break his heart.
Billy: Give me time to think…
Lily: There is no time to think. Every minute that Cane cares for that baby, he’s getting in deeper. Tell him — please. Or I will have to…

Chloe is put on a respirator while The Thunder From Down Under hangs around talking to the baby (doesn’t that kid need to be in the nursery or something? Jesus!) “I want to know what your mommy was doing at that cabin,” he tells the plastic doll stand-in.

Ashley stops by Newman and Victor shows her Hope’s bible. She encourages him to let Adam know he cares about him.

Neil calls Tyra over to the apartment so he can tell her that Yolanda’s parental rights have been terminated. Tyra is elated until he tells her that he and chicken adobo Karen want to adopt Ana.

TTFDU thanks America’s Former Next Top Model for helping his baby. She asks if he meant what he said about loving her and wanting to be with her. He tells her he can’t discuss that right now, but he would like to know what Chloe was doing at the cabin. “I was there to see you. Was Chloe there to see Billy? Is there something going on between those two?” Lily tells him that is something he should ask Billy and Chloe and walks out.

Billy goes to Jimmy’s bar and gets loaded. 

Victor goes to the prison to see Adam. The pocket Newman rips into his father for ignoring him then showing up on the anniversary of his mother’s death. Victor congratulates his son for developing a backbone, but cautions him about ever talking to him in a disrespectful tone ever again. You are such a prick, Victor.

Cane tells Jill that 24 hours ago he was going to leave Chloe for Lily, but now that he’s held his daughter he knows that he has to make a real commitment to his child.

Billy calls Jack and big bro shows up at Jimmy’s. Billy tells him that he delivered Chloe’s baby earlier and that Lily knows the truth about the baby’s parentage. Jack encourages him to step up and claim the baby. “You don’t want another man raising your child,” Jack tells him, “that little girl is an Abbot. Stake. Your. Claim.”

At Crimson Lights, Ashley and the viewers are bored out of their fucking minds as Abby tells some stupid story about her invisible high school friends.

Ashley asks her daughter if she has a crush on anyone. “Would I tell you if I were?” the idiot replies (and yes, that is EXACTLY what she said — it’s not a typo).  She asks Ashley if she has a crush on Victor. Oh, Jesus — they share a fucking bed, Abby…THINK! Ashley tells her they wouldn’t have moved to the ranch if it was just a crush — is she okay with that? Abby guesses so. They launch into a conversation about dead fathers which results in Abby saying that Victor is not her father.

The Thunder From Down Under names the baby: Cordelia Katherine Valentine Ashby. Somebody shoot me.

Neil tells Tyra that even if he and chicken adobo Karen adopt Ana, she’ll still have a huge role in the brat’s life. Tyra laments how things went wrong…

Tyra: When Ana and I first came to Genoa City I had so many hopes for us. I hoped that Yolanda would never be able to come around again. I hoped that we could really put our roots down somewhere and that we could really get to know Devon. And, I don’t know…I hoped that maybe you would fall in love with me. The way that I’ve fallen in love with you…
Neil: Say what?
Tyra: I have been attracted to you since we first met and I see the way you look at me and sometimes I think you feel the same way. I wanted to say something to you at your wedding…and if I had said something to you, would you have still married Karen? Can’t you feel the chemistry between us when I do this…

Wow — brazen much, Tyra? Enter chicken adobo Karen who gets one look at the cheatin’ and quietly slips back out.

Back at the peneteniary, the pocket Newman goes to his old partner in crime, Frank Ellis. “Listen Frank — I can’t take it in here any more. I need you to get that stuff we talked about…”