It had been a while, but I issued the decree and you folks responded in astounding numbers. Before we jump right in, let me state for the record, that Lola Mancuso is not a licensed professional, any advice she dispenses should be considered considered questionable at best, and her views are just those…her views and no one else’s. As anyone who knows her will tell you, she’s really just a crazy old lady in khaki stretch pants, a Wonder Woman t-shirt, and a pair of highly polished Stride-Rite walking shoes. Frankly, I’d put more stock in the rantings of the local crack whore begging for change outside the Kroger — but hey, that’s me. And yet, strangely, even though all of that is common knowledge you people still wrote in seeking the answers to the nagging questions in your lives. It takes all kinds I guess. So that said, let’s see who Mama’s “helping” today…

Dear Lola – Most of the women I know have had a hysterectomy. I am 47 and going through the change. What was it like for you? Did you have hot flashes, moodiness, lack of sex drive, etc? Help a bitch out!

Lurker

Hot flashes! I’m 76 and I still get them! Hang in there and they’ll go away sooner or later. Old Boy always said I was moody but I blame his stupid ass — oh! I shouldn’t speak ill of the dead, but he pissed me off. And I always had the lack of sex drive — I think I went through the change in my 20s because I was always dry down there and really that was a blessing because I didn’t want none of that shit anyway.

Dear Lola – Back in the day, my husband and I enjoyed a pretty experimental sex life and amassed a library of sex trapes to document the fun we had. When dvd became popular, my husband transferred all our tapes to dvd. Recently he loaned a friend and his wife some dvd’s and when they returned them I saw that 2 of them were from our sex tape collection. My husband thinks he did nothing wrong but I feel like my trust was violated. Who do you think is right?

Signed, Reluctant Movie Star

Your trust ought to have been violated — anyone stupid enough to to put their sex on a tape ought to have her goddamn head examined. Gawd. I mean you absolutely have to be an idiot to put your sex on a tape. Are you that dumb that you can’t remember that nasty shit a week later? Goddamn. I can’t imagine putting that shit on a tape and then sending me a question admitting to it! Where did these people learn about sex because they are stupid as hell. That’s all people think about is sex, sex, sex. Good God. What do they get from watching themselves humping it? Christ.

Dear Lola – I own a tiny little Chihuahua that barks at everyone and bites anybody who tries to pet him. When I feed him I have to stay out of the room until he is done eating or he will growl and snap at me. I can’t have company anymore because he is the master of the house and tries to bite strangers. If I stay away overnight he will destroy the house as punishment. My boyfriend hates him and wants me to put him to sleep but I love the little fart. 

Signed, Lonely Bob in Louisville.

If you’d take that little fella and love him, you’d see a change. There’s a reason that little guy is acting like that. You two need to stop playing with your peckers and start playing with the dog and show him some love. Has that boyfriend been mean to him? I thought the queers liked them little dogs? They’re always carrying them around and putting diamonds and shit on them on the tv. Dump your boyfriend and keep your dog. Dick never did nothing for nobody.

Hi Dirk, could you ask Lola what she thinks of OJ Simpson latest run in with the law and did he deserve to go to jail or was this pay back for murdering Nicole and Ron?

From Ian

He got just what he deserved — it was just a long time coming and I hope he never sees the light of day. It says in my little papers that he is scared to death in the pen and that he confessed to killing his wife and that poor Goldman kid to some inmate when he was in jail before and I believe that shit — the guilty always crow about it when they get off scott free. Can’t help themselves. Dumbasses.

Dear Lola – I was feeling horny and sent my boyfriend a text message that said CUM SUCK MY COCK. The only problem is that when I went to send it,  I actually sent it to everyone in my directory including my parents, both of whom are proficient texters. So far they’ve said nothing but I can tell they want to from the looks I’ve been getting from them. Should I bring it up and try to explain it away as a joke? Should I let it go? They know I’m gay because I told them 10 years ago when I graduated college but they refuse to accept it.

Sincerely yours, The Lame Sexter

You are one brilliant child. You need to watch where you put your fingers on the computer. What an idiot wanting his dick sucked. What good does that do? I would love to know what sucking a dick does for a man. Can someone explain that to me? It turns your teeth brown and gives you bad breath and then everyone knows what you’ve had between your lips because it makes your lips like a bow. You’ve seen those fairies prancing around with them little puckered mouths? That’s from sucking dick. It makes their mouth all round and ready for it all the time. Jesus Christ — what kind of people read that blot of yours?

Lola – I work for a group of attorneys.  There is one woman in the firm who several of us refer to as “Satan.”  I don’t work directly with her, but at one point she was my supervisor.  Without going into the gory details, she treated my like dirt and I actually quit once (only to be lured back and moved out of her department).  I’m very happy where I’m working now, and rarely have to cross her path.  She was recently demoted, and, though I know the professional thing would be to take it in stride, I sometimes find myself giggling in glee when she walks by my office.  I’ve never been happier than I’ve been the last couple weeks, and I sometimes break out singing “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead” for no apparent reason (well, it’s apparent to me!). My question is this:  Should I try to act with some sense of decorum and work hard to behave as a professional, or should I go with this euphoria and maybe even make plans to approach her and laugh in her face?
 
Signed, The Cheshire Cat

I think you should keep your mouth shut and do like you’re doing and then you’ll get the last laugh. She was a damn turd to people and look what it got her — now she’s had to come to her milk and reap what she sowed. I’m all for rubbing somebody’s face in shit when they screw up, but in this economy you better be glad you got a job and not go out of your way to fuck it up. Plus, if she’s a lawyer she’d know all kinds of tricks to get that girl fired. I watch that Glenn Close show and let me tell you, that woman is a BITCH. I wouldn’t cross that Patti  if you paid me. She fucking scares me ’cause she ain’t just a pissy woman — she’s a pissy woman who knows about law tricks and that kind of shit can ruin you. She don’t mess around on that show. Tell that girl to shut up and be happy on the inside.

Dear Lola – My husband is 43 and recently underwent a minor heart procedure. Ever since that he has expressed an interest in trying things that I think range from weird to just plain out of the question (two if his more recent fantasies that I indulged were letting him rub peanut butter on my vagina then licking it off  and squeezing my breasts together so he could fuck them). Is this normal behavior after having a life threatening scare? Should I continue to indulge this behavior or should I tell him enough’s enough?

Sincerely yours, Concerned Wife

They did something to that guy — you better check with your doctor. And you better make sure you ain’t got salmonella in your business. God. That man ain’t normal — who ever heard of putting their dick between two tits and rubbing it back and forth? Just think where his ass is — is it in her face? And then he’s either going to shoot it on her chin or on her feet if he’s even got anything in that nasty ol’ thing. Lord Jesus. Hell, he could crush her sitting on her like that! There’s just a ton of shit that could go wrong. And if she lets him do that shit she needs to see a brain doctor. Such goddamn questions.

Dear Lola – We are faithful readers of Dirk’s blog and HUGE fans of yours so and have agreed to abide by your call on a very important decision:  My girlfriend wants to paint our bedroom custard yellow and I want to paint it blue. What do you think?

Signed, Indecisive

Custard yellow — yuck. Why doesn’t she just paint it cum yellow? Hell, get that tittie fucker to come over and they can just spray the walls with that shit and she won’t have to paint at all. Paint it blue!

And so endeth part 1 of this edition of Dear Lola. You guys sent in a fucking boatload of questions and I am working on transcribing her answers for the remainder (she dictates her answers into a tape recorder). In the meantime, if you have a burning and/or itching question  requiring a slightly senile widow’s “wisdom” shoot  it to dirk.mancuso@gmail.com and include DEAR LOLA in the subject line.