Nikki takes papers to Victor to sign for the trust fund deposits.  She shows him pictures of Can’t-Stop-Staring-At-The-Camera Summer’s birthday party.  Victor softens a bit and thanks the former stripper…until she opens her big yap.  When will you ever learn to shut up while you’re ahead, Nikki?

Nikki:  Paul told me they arrested Adam for his part in that forged diary.  I knew that diary was a fake.  No matter what happened in Mexico between you and Walter Palin, you would never be foolish enough to write it down.
Victor:  What do mean “whatever happened in Mexico”?  what are you insinuating?
Nikki:  Nothing…
Victor:  Good.  You know nothing about what happened in Mexico and you will never know.  Do I make myself clear?

“Marge” and Murph go out and get a Christmas tree — his first since his wife passed.  Back in the Bill Bell era, this shit would’ve played out like a geriatric romance novel but in the hands of Maria Arena Bell it’s like the fucking Cliffs Notes of how to skip every story beat possible as you rush toward the next poorly conceived plot full of holes.

Lily gets a text message from “Sonny Crawford.”  He asks what she wants for Christmas. To meet him in person is America’s Former Next Top Model’s answer.  (I don’t know why Lily wouldn’t recognize Billy’s cellphone number on the text since they have called each other before — oh wait, Maria Arena Bell thinks we are retarded.)

 

Raph asks the judge to drop all charges against Adam.  Heather tells the judge she has two witnesses that will prove that the pocket Newman is behind the forged diary. Adam looks over at the Mexican bartender and the little epilepsy meds mule, then pleads not guilty.  Raph asks that bond be set, but Heather declares Adam to be a flight risk.  The judge concurs and Adam is remanded back into custody until his next court appearance.

Billy shows up at Crimson Lights and strikes up a conversation with Lily who tells him she has a date to met Sonny Crawford tomorrow. Billy is excited for her.  Lily wonders if it is a good idea to meeting in person with someone from the internet.  Oh for pete’s sake, Lily — look at how well the last time you met someone from the internet went: you lost your virginity, got chlamydia, and your best friend was nearly burned alive.

D.A. Elroy congratulates Heather on a job well done. She tells her boss the job isn’t done until Adam is convicted. Later, Heather runs into Adam in the courthouse hallway.

Adam: How could you?
Heather:  How could I ?  How could I?  What about you? You’re not even being prosecuted for the worst of your crimes.
Adam:  I know you think I used you…
Heather:  You used me.  You  lied to me.  You deceived me.  My God, Adam — we were a few days away from getting married.
Adam:  It’s a good thing it didn’t happen, because obviously you couldn’t love me and do this. 
Heather:  I did this because I have a conscience.
Adam:  You did this for your career!  You did this to make a name for yourself!  My God, Heather — I thought we meant something to each other.
Heather:  We did and you destroyed all of that. I never lied to you and I’m not lying to you now when I say I’m going to send you to  prison — not because you broke my heart but because you broke the law.  (to guard) Take him away.
Adam:  I won’t forget this, Heather.  I won’t forget this.

Having witnessed the scene between Heather and Adam, Paul comforts his daughter and tells her he admires her strength.  Give me a fucking break.

“Marge” and Murph decorate the tree and “Marge” has a memory of Esther decorating a tree.  She tells Old Boy she used to live in a big house.

Nikki:  You can deny it all you want but it’s no accident you and Walter Palin ended up in the same town together.  You were there for a reason, Victor.  I know you…
Victor:  Get out.
Nikki:  I’m not judging you…
Victor:  You’re always judging me.
Nikki:  Victor, that is not true — I have done so much to help you the past few months…
Victor:  Listen to me:  I don’t need your damn help..I never did.  I don’t now.  Got it?
Nikki:  Yeah.  When will I ever learn?  When will any of us?
Victor:  What the hell are you babbling about now?
Nikki:  I continue to try to reach out to help you and you’re still the arrogant nasty son-of a bitch you’ve always been.  Well, I’m through leting you make me crazy.  I’m done. By the way — Merry Christmas!
Victor:  By the way, when you celebrate that Christmas day, just remember that is when Sabrina’s and my baby was due.  I don’t care how you twist and turn, I don’t care how many amends you make, you cannot wash their blood off your hands.  Now get out.

Lily and Billy whore themselves for the V-8 Feeding America Collection (V-8’s commitment to get fresh food and veggies to food banks).  Billy goes to get more coffee and texts Lily as Sonny, inviting her to meet him at the bookstore on Christmas Eve.

“Marge” and Murph enjoy his special non-alcoholic eggnog.  She proposes a toast and he asks if she was a queen or a duchess in another life.  ”Marge” says duchess sounds familiar to her but she cant say why.  ”Marge” says this is the best Christmas she can remember.  (considering she can’t remember anything, that isn’t saying much…)

Nikki runs into Paul at Crimson Lights and they take their turns whoring themselves for the V-8 Make Every Serving Count Campaign.  Nikki tells Paul about her visit with Victor.  He tells her about Heather’s heartbreak.  Paul asks where they stand — is this a casual thing or is it developing into something more?  Nikki says she’s right where she wants to be and Paul suggests they concentrate on them.  Oh Christ — two characters in search of a plot.  Is there anything more painful to watch?

The Mexican bartender and the lil epilepsy meds drug mule visit Victor.  The Mexican bartender tells Victor that many people came to Mexico asking about him, but he kept Victor’s secret.  

The lil epilepsy drug mule draws a picture for Victor.  She is almost as good an artist as she is an actress.

Victor wishes them a Merry Christmas.  Adam is being led back to his cell and sees them through the visiting room window.

Murph hangs some mistletoe.  He and “Marge” share one of the most awkward old people kisses ever committed to film.

Heather finds her Christmas gift for Adam in her briefcase and has a fucking meltdown.  How did she fucking miss something the size of a goddamn football? Further evidence, Ms. Stevens is retarded.

Jill is pissed off when she gets a call informing her that The Cryptkeeper’s memoirs have hit the bookstores.  Spotting her mother’s gift under the tree, Jill snatches it up and begins to open it.  Cane and Esther come in and Jill hides the half opened gift.  Under the fucking coffee table.  (Normally I’d say Jill was an idiot but this is Cane we’re talking about…)

At the bookstore, Lily calls Billy to tell him that his grandmother’s memoirs are on the bookshelves. 

Amber has a cold and whines that she feels too bad to help get her design studio set up or go check on sales for Mrs. C’s book.  Kevin and Jana come over to help move shit to the design studio and Amber immediately makes a crack about The Cryptkeeper’s death being no accident.  Pissed off, Kevin and Jana leave as does Daniel.  Amber over-medicates and falls asleep.

Murph gives “Marge” a foot spa for Christmas since she is always complaingin about her aching feet.  I pray we don’t see her putting that fucker to use.

Raph tells Adam that the charges against him are serious but as a first time offender he may catch a break.  He advises Adam not to think about uising the 2 million to hire a real lawyer — the second the pocket Newman touches that advance money, the publishers will sue him.  Raph leaves and Victor enters.  “You win,” Adam tells his father as he fights back tears.  “You help me get out of here, I’ll give you Jack’s head…”  Victor stares at his son with those creepy dead eyes of his.  “Not interested,” he replies.

At the diner, Pearl notices that “Marge” isn’t wearing her ring.  She tells the nosey waitress that she sold it and gave the money to Murph.  Joe Jr. comes out of the kitchen with a gift for “Marge.”  It’s a foot spa since she’s always complaining about her aching feet.  Jesus, they’re determined we’re going to see that old hag’s dogs…

Esther and Jill tag team Cane into agreeing to bringing Chloe over for Christmas.  Later, the dizty maid discovers the half opened gift under the table.  Cane urges his mother to open it.  Esther says for Jill to open her gift and then she’ll open hers.  Jill tears into the box and finds…lingerie.  And a card which reads: EMBRACE YOUR FEMININE SIDE AND YOU MIGHT FINALLY LAND A MAN.  “What a bitch!” Jill hisses.  Esther opens her gift and discovers a powder blue maid’s uniform with a card reading: BLACK DOES NOTHING FOR YOUR SKIN TONE.  “We were so lucky to know her,” Esther sighs, hugging her dress.  “Katherine Chancellor was one of a kind..”  With writing like this, I pray Maria Arena Bell is also one of a kind.

At the bookstore, Lily calls Billy while she waits for “Sonny.”  Lily mentions that in the book THE LAST PICTURE SHOW, Sonny’s best friend’s name was Billy.  When America’s Former Next Top Model starts stressing because “Sonny” hasn’t shown up yet, Billy suggests that perhaps he’s been hiding behind text messages and quirky screen-names because afraid of rejection.  “Billy?” Lily asks, turning around to see the junior Abbott.  “Or you can call me Sonny…,” he offers with a weak smile.

“Marge” tells Pearl that she wants to surprise Murph with an early Christmas dinner and asks the wrinkled waitress to keep him busy while she goes home and gets it ready.  On her way out, “Marge” tells Murph she forgot Pearl’s secret Santa gift and asks him to keep her busy while she runs home to get it.

A doped up Amber dreams that Kevin is in court testifying to his innocence in The Cryptkeeper’s death.  Enter The Cryptkeeper sporting angel wings and calling Mr. Fisher a liar.  Amber asks what Kevin did and The Cryptkeeper says he stole her money, then later asked her to meet him for a drink which he spiked before putting her behind the wheel of  her car.  Amber suddenly wakes up.  “I’ll get Kevin to confess,” she says. “I’ll avenge your death,. Mrs. C…”  Oh Christ.

Adam says he’s scared in jail and begs Victor to help him for Hope’s sake.  Victor grabs his diminutive spawn by the shirt and tells him to man up.  “You live with the consequences of your actions!  You’re gonna be in this prison for a long time and you’re gonna live with the conesquences!  If you’re my son — if you’re Hope’s son — you’ll find a way to get through this!” he mumble-yells at a sobbing Adam.  Michael enters to tell Victor he’s working to have him released.  Adam turns to go.  “I know you have the strength,” Victor tells him, “find it.”  Do I smell a jailhouse rape coming Adam’s way?  That may be the only way to generate a little viewer sympathy for him.

Lily goes into fucking orbit, accusing Billy of making a fool of her (like that would take any effort).  Billy tells her he didn’t want to ruin what they had (which was what?), that every conversation they had felt so right (damn near every conversation was about how she couldn’t get over Cane).  “You have all the right answers — it’s so easy to want to believe you,” Lily says.  “Falling for you is the first thing I’ve done right in a long time,” Billy says, referring to marrying his cousin, getting addicted to gambling, and knocking up Chloe.  Unswayed, Lily storms out of the bookstore.

On the way back to the trailer, “Marge” steps on a patch of ice.  A stunt double falls for her.

Cane tells Jill he loves Lily, always will, but thinks he and Chloe can be friends.  What if Lily meets someone else, Jill asks the budding nuclear physicist, it could change how he feels.  Cane rolls his eyes and agrees that anything is possible…but he totally loves Lily so he doubts it will.

Billy leaves the bookstore to find Lily waiting for him.  “I was down the block and realized I wanted it to be you,” she says in that flat, emotionless voice she uses to deliver every line she’s given.  They kiss.

Victor is released from jail and returns to the ranch to find that Ashley has decorated the entire place for the holidays.  They fuck.  Afterwards, Victor asks Ashley if she will move in.  “I’m glad you asked,” she giggles, “because my stuff is already upstairs.”  Jesus. H. Christ.  What are you — 14, Ashley?

Michael asks Gloria why every man she gets involved with breaks the law (including the sainted John Abbott who killed Tom Fisher  and William Bardwell who withheld the face cream when he discovered his new wife was the culprit).  “Does evil lurk in the heart of every man or is it invited in by just be being in close proximity to you?” Michael wonders aloud.  Gloria ignores him and tells her sons that she’s going to convince the D.A. that putting the cleaning solvent in the face cream was just a tragic accident and then prove what a fine upstanding citizen she is.  Kevin tells her they’re worried she’ll spill that they — along with Lauren — knew what she did.  “I’m not stupid,” Gloria sniffs.  No but you are reckless, careless, and impulsive, Michael replies. 

It’s Christmas at the Winters’ and Neil and chicken Adobo Karen are all over each other.  Lily puts presents under the tree while Deafie tries to cheer up that damn Tyra.  Olivia makes an appearance (Lil Nate blew his mother off to go skiing with his girlfriend) and the entire day is completely ruined with that brat Ana shows up for a visit.

Billy goes to see Jill who encourages her sons to make peace during this blessed season of our Lord and Savior.

At Crimson Lights, NuEden tells Michael and Lauren about her traditions at the ashram and how River always said it wasn’t what they had but who they were.  Michael makes snide comments about their father and Lauren pulls her hubby aside and calls him on the bitterness.  Michael says he needs to go for a walk.

Murph finds “Marge” unconscious on the ice and calls Dr. Bob Sanchez (love that name!) to check out his geriatric trick.  Dr. Bob Sanchez is concerned when Murph mentions “Marge” being forgetful before the fall and gives her a referral to a doctor at the county hospital.

It’s Kevin and Jana’s turns to whore themselves for Y&R sponsor V-8 and drum up donations for the cause.  Later, Jana apologizes for giving the money to River.  Kevin tells his daffy wife her heart was in the right place.

Ana gets to open a present from Neil and chicken adobo Karen.  It’s a fugly dress for her to wear as a junior bridesmaid at their wedding.  Tyra makes her “I’m so pissed” face but no one but Olivia notices.

Jeffrey shows up at the jail with some bling for Gloria as a way of apologizing for being jealous of River letting his emotions get the better of him.  He urges Glo to sign the divorce papers since the Abbotts won’t be able to get a dime if she’s in the poorhouse.  When Jeffrey offers to slip the guard a C-note to allow them a conjugal visit, Gloria asks to be taken back to her cell.  I love me some Jeffrey — he’s so tacky.

Lauren tells NuEden to choose them as her family and they’ll never let her down.  NuEden takes her hand.  In a sappy way, not the totally hot lesbian way I kinda wish she would’ve.

When neither Jill nor Esther prepares a Christmas dessert, Cane runs out to Crimson Lights for fruit tarts and chocolate mousse (because every coffee house stays open on Christmas Eve and  serves chocolate mousse…) where he bumps into Lily.  The two dumb shits wish each other a Merry Christmas.

At the local dive bar, Michael is throwing a few back and pondering the whole “nature vs. nurture” issue.  He wishes he’d never been born and suddenly the bar door blows open…

Victor and Ashley canoodle on the sofa and he tells her what happened on the boat…

Walter: Put your life jacket on — we’re taking on too much water!  The boat’s going to break up!  Hey, a boat!  We’re saved!
Victor: One of us is…
Walter: What do you mean one of us?
Victor: You still don’t know who I am do you? I am Victor Newman. You killed my wife and unborn child!

Ashley tells Victor she’s honored he chose to share this with her but he doesn’t need to tell her any more.  Victor says she’s the only one he’s told.  Tired from fucking a man old enough to be her daddy, Ashley goes upstairs to bed.  As he is turning off the lights, Victor recalls kicking Walter in the chest and diving overboard as Walter begged him not to leave him…

“Marge” naps while Murph cooks dinner.  She dreams of Jill, Rex, Phillip, faux Phillip, Esther, and Brock saying her name.  She bolts up on the sofa.  “My name is Katherine Chancellor!” she proclaims.

Michael is visited by Paul Williams, a combination Ghost of Christmas Past, Present, and Future who shows him what life would’ve been like for the citizens of Genoa City if he hadn’t been born:  Phyllis is a boozed out whore since losing custody of Daniel to his real father Brian Hamilton after Danny died as a result of the mugging that damaged his kidneys (Michael donated one of his and since he wasn’t born, Danny didn’t get one in time)…Jana is a punk-goth waitress with a huge chip on her shoulder and a mountain of debt (since Michael wasn’t born, he couldn’t get Gloria to pay for Jana’s surgery to remove the brain tumor that made her murder Carmen Mesta)…Victor is still in jail for the murder of Ji- Min Kim (apparently no other  lawyer could get the waitress at the GCAC to testify she was bribed)…Gloria is a cleaning woman at Jabot (without Michael to defend her in the tainted face cream scandal, she does her time, then loses everything to the Abbotts and is forced to clean the Jabot offices to make ends meet)…Lauren is a bitter bitch with an up-doo who accuses people of shoplifting at Fenmore’s and still torments chunky monkey Tracy Abbott…Kevin is in a padded cell after trying to take both his own life (numerous times) as well as Jana’s in a Romeo and Juliet death pact.  When Michael asks Paul why he is his guide on this journey, Paul takes him to the cemetary where he sees Lauren kneeling before 2 graves — Christine Blair and Paul Williams.  If Michael hadn’t been born, he wouldn’t have been there to stop Isabella from drowning Christine and stabbing Paul as he tried to revive her.  Michael realizes he wants his life back and finds himself at the door to his apartment.  He shares a Christmas Eve reunion with his wife and family.  Ack — this totally should’ve been the Wednesday episode, not the Friday one.