Okay, so I got the present issue resolved…and then another new relationship problem/issue/matter rears its ugly head: Christmas cards.
Both The Fella and The Hag sent me one.
No biggie, you’re probably saying — just send one back, Dirk.
“No biggie.”
Yeah, right.
It’s not the card that presents the problem*, it’s how to sign it.
The Fella signed his “XOXO Tristan.”
The Hag signed hers “Love, The Hag.”
Sweet. Fetal. Jesus.
What’s a socially retarded ‘mo who’s never had a normal relationship supposed to do? How do I sign my cards back to them?
I’m leaning toward the “XOXO” thing right back at Tristan (kind of a “yeah, I’m feeling the same vibe” thing back at him, you know?), but The Hag presents a special problem. I feel I need to write a little something to show I’m not just phoning my shit in, you know? Maybe “Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year”? Or maybe just “Christmas. Have a merry one.”
Lord almighty.
Some one help me.
_______
*Actually, maybe the card IS a biggie. I went out and bought a tasteful one for The Hag and a non-commital one for Tristan with the inscription “Merry Christmas… from someone who thinks you’re pretty wonderful.” I thought it sort of conveyed my feelings for him without saying “I *heart* you” because I know from years of soap opera viewing that it’s really important to actually say those words and not put them in writing the first time you express them since the card invariably always winds up in the wrong hands and your intended totally thinks you are mad crushing on the bad boy/girl and breaks up with you but doesn’t tell you why leaving you all bereft and vulnerable and in swoops the bad boy/girl and you end up being lied to until you finally put all the pieces together and are forced to reveal their deceitful ways at the hospital fundraiser in front of the entire town before you are finally reunited with the one you really love and get to make sweet love with candlelight and a power ballad and I am waaaaaay too fucking old to be waiting for that.
Anyhoo.
Have I fucked up starting with my choice of card, too?
Arrgh!
Start talking, people.
Sign “Love, Dirk” on the card to the Fella. Don’t over think this.
There are many meanings of love…I use “Love” when I send cards to family, gay friends, straight friends, etc. It can simply be an expression of affection, which you clearly have. It doesn’t have to mean, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you, have your children, and I’d step in front of a speeding car to save you.”
By: Gavin on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 2:59 pm
I’m thinking the “XOXO” thing would work for The Fella. As for the Hag, just write something sweet (like you wrote in your post), and just sign it “Dirk.” I think the word “Love” is used way too much, and unless you really love her, it’s my (single) opinion not to write it.
Now, as for Tristan, I wish you’d get him one of the big $20 cards that light up and write I LOVE YOU in red magic marker. I’m just sayin…..
By: catrina on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 3:07 pm
I think the card you picked for Tristan is perfect. The inscription is just right. And I’d do exactly as you suggested and do the XOXO Dirk thing to show you’re both on the same page.
For the hag, you should use my favorite card inscription, because its neither too mushy nor ‘phoning it in’.
“Wishing you all the best in 2009!” And, if you’re not quite sure that sounds ’special’ enough, underline the word ‘best’.
You can thank me later.
By: Mark in DE on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 3:20 pm
The cards are fine. Sounds like you’ve got the signature on Tristan’s figured out. As for the hag, I’d just sign it “-Dirk” with no statement of affection at all. But that’s just me.
You don’t want to sign Tristan’s card with any declaration of love, yet the Hag says she loves you in her card. Do you think she really means love the way you’ve described it from your soap opera experience? I doubt it. It’s sometimes just a pleasantry. But it can be fraught with peril, as you well know.
You should write for soap operas. You know that don’t you?
By: javabear on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 3:21 pm
I would XOXO him just like he did your card. Look on the back of his card and it will tell how much his card costs. Then get him one of a similar cost. As for the Hag just say it was nice meeting you and Merry christmas.
By: Ed on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 3:22 pm
I say slap on some glittery lip gloss and give that card a healthy SWAK and sign it:
Unforgettably,
Dirk
By: randi on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 3:29 pm
For the Hag try – Wishing you Happy Holidays and good health and prosperity in the coming New Year – or something similar. Love, Dirk…
Think of it as a cast off love..nothing serious…..
For Tristan I would go for something a little romantical…like
Thanks for making this holiday season so special or magical or memorable or sexical or something similar. I can’t give away all my lines in case “he” reads this. I’d go with the XOXOXOX…but sweet baby Jeebus CHRIST..sooner or later you have to face it and someone’s got to say it..and Xmas is sooooo romantical.
By: carlnepa on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 3:52 pm
Guess no one noticed that the long awaited post of did he or didnt he tell his boyfriend (that he loves him) is now moot (chickenshit). So we have another poll of what action Dirk wont take.
DO NOT USE XOXOXO – he already did it and it looks like you sent a card because you received one – revealing that you’re in the tit for tat Christmas club. Some people send cards some dont. I send them is I feel like it and get around to it. You should send two cards: a public funny card (I saw one that had the three wise men saying that they saw this kids face on a tortilla) and a private sentimental one (the one that says you mean a lot to me but I cant get my shit together and tell you). As for the other – if you send cards to other people send her one of those and sign it with what you think. You do realize that receiving a card from her means that you’re a big part of her friends life and she doesnt want to be left at the station when you find your balls and the train leaves.
Sorry for being profane but its snowing, the roads are impassable and my boyfriend cant get to my place for dinner. Since we dont have plows/salt in this city (going to piss my pants if they use “100 year snow storm” on the news or some variation of “perfect storm”) tomorrow is problematic. Can only hope that I can get to the airport Monday for a trip to balmy Chicago where it will be 14 degrees.
By: Dennis on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 4:15 pm
I say just tell him how you feel in the card. it’s Xmas, it’s the time of year for giving. Tell him you want to give him your ass exclusively for the next 365 days. Then if he wants it, he’ll know and if he doesn’t then you can just laugh it off.
Lord the gays are so uptight at times. What happened to the old days when we just got naked and swung on whatever appendage happened to be sticking out at that moment.
By: didyagetthering on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 5:12 pm
Dirk, stop analyzing your every move and do what your heart wants. As far as the Hag goes, a nice non-committal Happy Holidays should be fine.
By: Roxcy on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 7:46 pm
How did The Fella sign his card to Lola? Yes, I am hoping he sent her one.
I vote for Mark’s sign off for The Hag. For The Fella, I’d like to suggest “Longingly.” It’s so romance novel.
By: Sarah on Thursday, December 18, 2008
at 8:54 pm
How about “Warmest regards”?
By: Josh on Sunday, December 21, 2008
at 8:27 am