So The Fella wanted to hit a few Black Friday sales and being the sort of guy I am, I acquiesced with only a modicum of cajoling.  And also because I’m me, I documented the entire fucking nightmare for my readers’ own personal edification.  Feel free to thank me later…

First up, we have what is either a Peanuts collector’s dream come true or a huge fucking waste of money.  I’ll let you be the judge:

I’m going to vote for huge fucking waste of money.  I could cut a branch off a live tree and hang a dumb-ass red bulb on it for free.  Seriously — $12.99 for that?  And I don’t see the Little Mermaid or Serena van der Woodsen anywhere on the box.   Now $12.99 for this…

Let’s just say some bargains cannot be passed up.  (Oh shut up!  It was a fucking recreation of the cinema’s most romantic animated couple as toddlers – there was no way on Goddess’ green earth I was going to pass that up!)

Moving on.

That sad little piece of Charlie Brown shit seemed like a fucking bargain to end all bargains when I stumbled upon this monstrosity a few aisles later:

Now I’m sure there are some porcine admirers out there salivating over their keyboards at the mere thought of being able to display this god-awful monstrosity on their front lawn or on their hearth, but before you bacon fetish fucks grab your coats and dash out to your local marketplace, stop and ask ask yourself “how much would I pay for that travesty?” and if the answer is in the $70 range, then I feel sorry for you.

$69.99? Once again I have to ask myself where they came up with that ridulous amount when there is nary a sweet lil red-headed fish woman or a slutty private school debutante slash socialite featured anywhere on said product.  Unlike, say this suh-WEET item a certain gay blogger snagged for $6.99, once more making his Little Mermaid doll figure collection almost complete (my kingdom for a blasted ever elusive Jewel Prince Eric by Tyco doll figure!):

The Carrie Donovan sized sunglasses were worth $5.99 alone.

Now one of the dangers of shopping is the inevitable eye rape that can occur whilst in the presence of other shoppers.  The following pic cannot do justice to the forced aural copulation I suffered when I found myself behind this bargain hunter.

Although the photographic evidence fails to show it, the stripes being so close together coupled with the movement of the fabric created a truly hypnotic effect that left me more than a wee bit disoriented.  I’m not shitting you when I say that literally after 30 seconds behind that, up was down, beige was the new taupe, and Casey Anthony was a victim of circumstantial evidence. (Hmmmm, the baby killer’s lawyer’s might wanna looking into some seersucker suits in that pattern when the kid chloroforming cutie goes to trial…just sayin’.)

Tomorrow:  lunch, time out for a movie, and more incredibly lame (and savagely overpriced) shit!