Phyllis goes back to RESTLESS STYLE after the wake and takes a call for Jack.  It’s Inspector Cisneros from Mexico, asking that his name not be included in any articles about Victor Newman.  Huh?  Say wha?  Phyllis is all ears…

Nick goes to see Big Vic who spots Nick’s red knuckles and asks what happened.  Hunkalicious admits he clocked his lil half bro.  Victor is touched that his son would resort to violence in his name.  They share a tender moment.

Sharon is touched when she overhears Jack giving Noah advice about girls and about how much he loves Sharon even though he doesn’t always do the right thing.  I think he said more but the overwhelmingly fugly blouse Sharon is wearing renders me hysterically deaf and blind.

At the GCAC, Brad sits at the bar thinking about one of the many times he told Saint Sharon of the Push-Up Bra how much he loved her and needed her in his life.

Also at the GCAC, Ashley comes waltzing in and a desperate Nikki asks how Victor is doing.  Cocky that she’s FINALLY the one Victor wants, Ashley tells the ex-stripper that Victor is in lock-up and still blames her for the deaths of Lurch and lil Peanut Newman. Way to kick an ex-drunk when she’s down, Ashley.  High five, gurl!

Inspector Cisneros says that at the time he spoke to Senor Abbott, he did not realize that Victor Newman was part of a murder investigation and he could lose his job for gving out information about the case as well as letting Senor Abbott take a photo of the photo of Walter Palin.  Phyllis assures her amigo that his name will not a part of any article written by RESTLESS STYLE. BIg Red hangs up and calls for all of Jack’s expense vouchers to be brought to her. ”Oh Jack, what have you done?” Phyllis mutters.

Michael and the pocket Newman arrive at the jail. Adam is sweating bullets when he sees Victor but totally plays it cool. Big Daddy tells Adam the diary is a fake and they both know it. If Adam goes through with this, he will be putting his own father away for a murder he didn’t commit. Adam doesn’t falter so Victor plays the old “your mother would be turning over in her grave to see how you’ve turned out” card.  The pocket Newman plays the “my mother would be turning over  in her grave to see how you’ve turned your back on me” card.  Seeing that he is getting nowhere, Victor tells his son that he is going to  beat this rap and he will crush Adam like a cockroach. After Victor is led away to his cell, Adam quietly shits his pants.

Phyllis goes over Jack’s expense vouchers and then cracks the password to his credit card account and discovers charges made in Mexico during the time.  She flashes back to taunting dumb-ass Sharon about Jack lying to her about being with Ashley during that time. Phyllis is further disturbed to see charges for the Genoa City Motor Arms and an escort service. Phyllis prints out the charges and tucks them in her purse…

It’s the morning of the reading of The Cryptkeeper’s will and Gloria is as nervous as a whore in church.  Jeffrey emerges from the bathroom in his finest duds.  Where are you going, Gloria wantw to know.  With you of course, Bardwell tells his wife, even if all you get is an ashtray, it’s going to be one hell of a show…

The ghost of John Abbott appears to Billy, asking if he is prepared to hurt people who love him and perhaps alienate them forever.  “I thought I was,” BIlly answers the ghost of the father who never paid him two licks woirth of attention in life but suddenly is all up in his grill in death, “but now I’m not so sure…”  The Ghost of John Abbott asks his youngest son where his loyalties lie — with the Chancellors or with the Abbotts.  “Pitting your mother against Jack…is that wise?” TGoJA asks.  Billy thanks his dead father for having such a high opinion of him.  He goes on to say that he has 2 families that he wants to be a part of and he doesn’t fit in either one.  “Then put down roots,” TGoJA replies, “Stop running from party to party, girl to girl.”  “Guess I better figure things out, huh?” Billy asks but it’s too late — TGoJA has disappeared into thin air.

The Cryptkeeper wakes up on Murphy’s sofa, disoriented.  The flannel clad old codger tells her he’s going to take care of her just like he promised.  The Cryptkeeper asks Murphy who he is, triggering a memory of Marge telling her that she’s been staying at Murphy’s trailer.  “You can dry out here like always,” he tells the amnesiac millionairess.

Over at the Baldwin apartment, Screechy is telling Lauren that she thinks her half-brother hates her.  Ferret Face tries to assuage her fears and later Michael assures her that he loves her. Ack.

Billy tells Jack, Ashley, and Tracy that he’s off for the reading The Crypkeeper’s will.  Gloria and Jeffrey overhear as they pass through (because the quickest way to their car is from the ppolhouse, through the back door and back out the front?  Or because the writers are lazy?  Um, I’ll go with the latter…) and offer to carpool with Billy since they too are headed to the reading.  “You’re in the will?” Jack asks incredulously.  “Gotta love granny’s sense of humor,” Billy snickers.

Overheard while the hopeful beneficiaries meander around the mansion waiting to hear what their haul is gonna be:  Nikki shows up at the Chancellor estate and gets the stink-eye from Jill. The Thunder from Down Under urges his mother not to fret — Nikki’s a friend, Jill’s a daughter…Esther tearfully tells Amber she expects Jill to kick her goofy ass out into the street…Gina urges Danny to stay in Genoa City through Thanksgiving but he declines — he has a concert scheduled and he doesn’t want to disappoint the fans.  (I would think paying money for a concert and having Michael Damien danny Romalotti come out on stage and ear rape you WOULD be a disappointment)…BIlly asks Brock for Mackenzie’s address. Brock tells his nephew/ex-son-in-law for 20 minutes to go through the relief agency in Darfur just like he does.  Oh snap!…Cane stares off into space with that stupid fucking look he always on his face as Jill worries aloud about what changes The Cryptkeeper may have made to her will.

TGoJA appears to Saint Tracy of the Lean Cuisine and tells how proud he is of her for making all the right choices.  Yawn.  I fucking hate TGoJA.  Killing off the character was a brilliant move by Lynn Marie Latham (it had the potential to set up a variety of new dynamics within the Aboott and Fisher clans) but was undercut the second she made John the voice of Jack’s conscience.  Enough.  It’s time to send the old bastard back to the spirit world for good.

Mitchell Sherman calls everyone to attention and prepares to read the will.  Enter Gloria and Jeffrey in a dramatic flourish.  Jill goes to Mitchell and asks what Gloria is doing there.  The attorney says Mrs. Bardwell is included in the will.  “Katherine’s damn promise to John on his deathbed,” Jill mutters to Cane.

TGoJA appears to Ashley and asks her to consider whether it is wise to make a commitment to Victor at this time in her life.  Ashley asks her father if she should follow her head or her heart. ”Do what’s best for you and Abby,” Genoa City’s answer to Yoda tells the daughter he never knew wasn’t his and disappears.  Jesus — these are grown adults and they are taking advice from the man that let a taste of Gloria’s snatch cloud his mind and ruin the last few years of his life?

The reading of the will commences:  Brock receives 1% of the estate in trust as well as the title of Chairman of the Chancellor Foundation…Danny and Gina each receive 1/2 of 1% of the estate in cash…Esther receives 1/10 of 1% in trust to live the rest of her life in financial independence as well as The Cryptkeeper’s 50% ownership of the Chancellor estate.

Sherman suggests they take a break and Jill confronts him.  Was The Cryptkeeper drunk when she made those changes?  And what if she contests the will?  Katherine was completely sober, the attorney replies, adding that the document is damn near ironclad.  “Are a few millions worth frittering away a billion dollar estate in a court battle?” he asks.

Murphy reads the headlines about Victor to The Cryptkeeper.  She wonders why the name Victor Newman is so familiar to her.  Murphy notices her ring and asks where she got it.  One of the biggest problems I have with this story is that if Marge and Murphy live in Genoa CIty or in a surrounding town, the papers would most likely have huge write-ups about the death of Katherine Chancellor complete with photos, which would mean that Murphy would have to see something and begin to realize that Marge isn’t Marge…)

JAck tells his sisters that he wants them all together this Christmas for a huge Abbott family holiday.  TGoJA rears his Brylcreemed head once more and asks where Sharon is.  He warns Jack about being careful not to destroy the things he already has while reaching for what he wants.  Jesus CHrist, that old fart should wreite fortune cookies.

The reading of the will continues:  Nikki receives all of The Cryptkeeper’s jewlery (and a “die, you fucking ex-stripping whore — DIE!!!!!” look from Jill)…Cane, Billy, Mackenzie, and Phillip Chancellor IV each receive 1/4 of 1% in trust…AMber recieves 1/5 of 1% in trust so that she and Daniel need never worry about money as they pursue their artistic dreams.  In addition, Amber receives the exclusive rights to The Cryptkeeper’s memoirs…JIll receives the remainder of the estate — minus 5% of The Cryptkeeper’s shares in Jabot…and finally, Gloria receives a Ming vase.  Plus the 5% of Jabot stock Jill didn’t inherit.  “How very thoughtful,” Gloria coos, her eyes lighting up. 

Murphy shows The Cryptkeeper her name badge and apron to help jog her memory.  “Diner?” KAtherine asks.  “What diner?”  Murphy thinks she may have suffered a more seriuous blow to the head than he previously thought and says he’ll take her to the hospital, causing The Cryptkeeper to go ballistic and scream she’s sick of everyone trying to make her go to the hospital. 

Ashley takes Tracy to the airport. They’ve no sooner walked out the front door, when Gloria dn Jeffrey walk in the back (I have no concept of where in the hell these people park their cars).  ”Break out the bubbly,” Gloria cries, “We did it!  The plan’s back on…”

JIll tells Amber she will block any attempts to have The Cryptkeeper’s memoirs published.  ”Srew it,” Amber declares, “I’m making it my mission to get that book in print!”

NIkki tells Jill she hopes she doesn’t mind that Katherine left her all her jewelry. “Nikki, your life is such a mess, how could I?” Jill replies.  A beaten Nikki takes her haul and leaves.

Murphy tells “Marge” that the regulars come to the diner to see her.  She can stay with him until she gets back on her feet and move back into the boarding house.  ”Boarding house,” The Cryptkeeper mutters, “that doesn’t seem right…”

TGoJA appears to Gloria and asks if she’s proud putting one over on his good friend, Katherine. Gloria tells her “beloved” dead husband that The Cryptkeeper never did anything she didn’t feel like doing.  Disappointed, TGoJA disappears…

…and reappears to Jack.  ”Those that cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it,” he tells his son. But his words fall on deaf ears. “Thanks to GLoria’s tactics, we can make Jabot about family again,” Jack replies, “the Abbott family…”  TGoJA disappears.

Tyra and Ana show up at Neil and chicken adobo Karen’s as Lily, Devon, and his beard Roxanne are toasting their engagment.  Tyra gets that “but I want him up in MY lady folds” look.  America’s Former Next Top Model gets a text message from Sonny Crawford and agrees to meet him at the local used bookstore (wha?!?!?!). Neil urges his dumb-ass daughter to take Devon along for protection since the last time she met someone on-line she got chlamydia and nearly killed.  Lily is all “oh, dad!”

Thrilled that a Jabot takeover is within his reach, Jack begs Ashley for her stock proxy.  Ashley is hesitant to go along with her brother since he is barred by the courts from ever having anything to do with Jabot ever again.  Enter Gloria and Jeffrey, crowing about their impending takeover of Jabot.  Ashley goes all Jessica Fletcher and realizes that the Bardwells are her brother’s silent partners.

At Crimson Lights, Jana makes an offhanded remark about needing a scooter to get around (she had to sell hers back when she was all busy being boring looking for the Grusheon Reliquary and killing Carmen Mesta).

Lily, Devon, and Roxanne go to the used bookstore.  LIly texts “Sonny” to meet her in the M section.  For “moron” I’m guessing.

Billy is having coffee with Cane and Chloe at Crimson Lights when he gets the text.  While Cane is getting a refill, Chloe snags Billy’s phone and sees Lily’s message.  Billy heads for the used bookstore and 30 seconds after he’s out the door, Chloe tells Cane she wants to hit the used bookstore to pick up some vintage storybooks for lil Peanut Mitchell hyphen Ashby slash Chancellor.  Subtle, Chloe.

Michael and River go before the new federal prosceutor in charge of River’s case and ask that the charges be dropped.  The prosecutor wants to speak to Gloria about being coerced to make her statements against River. If he finds her testimony compelling, he may just drop the charges. River is ecstatic, but Michael warns his hippie papa not to get his hopes up regarding anything to do with Gloria.

At Crimson Lights, Gloria tells Kevin that her inheriting the 5% of Jabot stock is all thanks to him. Amber overhears and  becomes convinced that Kevin had something to do with Katherine’s death. Daniel tries to tell her that is crazy talk, but Amber isn’t convinced. 

While Gloria and Jeffrey are planning their first moves as the new CEOs of Jabot, Jack gives Ashley a huge speech about how he lost Jabot and how getting it back in the family would make him feel as though he’s redeemed himself in his father’s eyes. Lil sis is touched and reluctantly agrees to hand over her proxy. Maybe it’s me, but if I were Jack and Ashley, I would tell Gloria and Jeffrey that either they make Ashley the CEO of Jabot or the takeover is kaput. Why does every storyline on this show have to revolve around emasculating a man (Jack, Cane, Adam), declawing a raving bitch (Gloria, Phyllis), or just treating the audience like we’re stupid (Chloe’s paternity test results, no one realizing Marge looks like one of Genoa City’s most famous and wealthy residents, Sharon being a model with that hair)?

Billy arrives at the bookstore and is as annoyed as all fuck to realize Chloe followed him there.  He pulls her aside and tells her to lose the stalker schtick or he’ll tell Cane he’s not the only one to dip his pen in her ink. GO for it, Chloe tells the love of her life — Lily dumped Cane when she found out he’d fucked her…what makes Billy think she wouldn’t do the same to him?

Neil goes over the books for Club Indigo with Tyra while Ana and chicken adobo Karen bond on the sofa.  Later as they getting ready to leave, chicken adobo Karen pisses on her territory to claim it by making it clear to Tyra that coming back to Genoa City and agreeing to marry Neil was the best decision she ever made.  After Tyra and the brat leave, Neil suggests they not wait to get married…

Kevin surprises Jana with a new scooter for their 3 month, 3 day wedding anniversary.  Amber wonders where Kevin got the money. Maybe from helping his mother get rid of Mrs. C?  Daniel is beginning to look like he might be hopping on board the Crazy Theory Express with Engineer Amber…

Billy is about to go up to Lily but The Thunder From Down Under beats him to the punch.  Despite the fact they have zero chemistry, Maria Arena Bell is determined to make us believe they do and we are subjected to a bunch of shit about how they can never be together and how even though Lily doesn’t want to love Cane anymore she still does. Finally (!), Cane wanders off, leaving  a tearful Lily behind.  BIlly swoops in and America’s Former Next Top Model falls into his arms, moaning about how she wants to forget Cane and move on.  As they embrace, The Thunder From Down Under watches…