The week starts right where we left off Friday — with Victor entering the church and taking a seat beside Ashley.  Nikki nearly passes out at the sight of her ex-husband and has to be helped back to her pew.

Jack glares at Victor.  Brad the No Longer Convenient Jew, who is seated behind him, whispers in his ear “Well, this ought to be interesting…”

Murphy is on his way to go fishing when he discovers The Cryptkeeper laying by the river. (How fucking cool would it have been if The Cryptkeeper had woke up to find Drucilla making a hobo fire and roasting squirrels on a spit?   That shit would’ve rocked!) “Where am I?  Who are you?” Katherine mutters.

Brock begins the funeral service.  It is full of made up shit about The Cryptkeeper giving her time to soup kitchens and painting with Habitat For Humanity.  It is so boring that people are whispering to one another. Dina asks Tracy where Colleen is — she was hoping to see her.  You’re the only one, Dina — Colleen hasn’t been interesting since they recast her with the Australian pop star who can’t act her way out of a wet paper bag.

Liz Foster, Jill’s adopted mother and The Cryptkeeper’s former housekeeper, shows up for the funeral late as do Jeffrey and Gloria.

At Crimson Lights, Adam is shaken when Heather tells him that Frank Ellis says he has something big to bargain with to get out of the check kiting charges.  Heather goes to get some coffee and the pocket Newman calls Jack to tell him they have a big problem.

Brock leads everyone in the Lord’s Prayer but the Newmans are too busy fretting and talking about Victor’s return. Heathens.

Michael and Lauren show up late (Jesus Christ — what is the deal, people? You are fashionably late for parties, not funerals).  Neil turns around (during the Lord’s Prayer no less!) to tell them Victor is up front with Ashley Abbott.

Kevin makes idle chit-chat with Heather.  What if a rich woman like The Cryptkeeper left money laying around that wasn’t covered by her will?  Heather is sure The Cryptkeeper made arrangements for everything.  If, however, there were any money laying around or stuffed in a mattress, it would be finders, keepers. Score, Kevin!

At the GCAC, Adam orders champagne to celebrate.  Heather is wary, but he says only the best for his baby from now on. 

Eulogy time: Liz Foster steps up to the plate first, followed by Billy and dipshit Cane.  Amber makes her speech all about her and how Katherine made her realize what she could be.  Ack.  Esther tells a stupid story.  Jill reads a poem. I so want NIkki to throw herself on the casket.

Murphy helps The Cryptkeeper to her feet and leads her back to his trailer.

A broken pipe at Crimson Lights has Kevin stressed over money again.  Jana ducks out to pay her respects to Katherine’s family.  As soon as she’s gone, Kevin gets in the safe and removes a bundle of cash from Katherine’s purse.

Brock leads the mourners in prayer.  Or tries to.  Through a series of voiceovers, we hear Nikki praying for strength to heal her broken heart from seeing Victor with Ashley.  Neil asks Drucilla to look out for Kay.  Lauren regrets never getting a chance to say good bye (I wasn’t aware she ever said hello).  Tracey hopes Ashley knows what she is getting into with The Moustache.  Jeffrey wonders who the hot blonde sitting by Jack is (Dina) and if she’s loaded.  Jack asks God to help him with his revenge on Victor.  Victor tells God he can’t wait for vengeance. These people are all going to Hell.

Devon and Ana ear rape us with their take on Amazing Grace.

As the mourners pass the casket, Nikki breaks down sobbing on the casket (YES!!!) and Paul has to lead her out.  Nick goes after his father but Victor gets in a limo and takes off. 

Jack is doubly pissed when his efforts to reach Ashley via cell phone prove to be fruitless. Dina expresses her hopes that if Victor is charged with murder Ashley has the good sense to leave him. Sharon looks pissy that these people would dare speak ill of her sainted ex-father-in-law (that she open mouth kissed that one time in his office).

A broken Nikki tells her children she wouldn’t be surprised if Victor were on a plane out of the country already.  Chin up, Nikki — you look like you could use a drink…

At the ranch, Ashley asks Victor if he’s sure about returning to Genoa City.  He tells her that Lurch wanted him to go on with his life and that life is with her now — she has brought him back to the land of the living. They need to change the name of this town form Genoa City to Cliche-ville (and certify the healing powers of Ashley’s vagina).

At Murphy’s trailer, The Crytkeeper says she can’t remember ever being there before.  He tells her he’ll put on some strong coffee.

The Cryptkeeper’s memorial service at the GCAC is hopping:  Everyone congratulates Brock on his rip-roarin’ service…Neil and chicken adobo Karen tell Lily they are engaged and America’s Former Next Top Model gives her blessing…Brock introduces Nina to Cane which gives the writers a chance to finally address the fact that Phillip wasn’t a real Chancellor and that Nina’s son isn’t really a Chancellor (but Jill will always think of Phillip as her son, Cane tells Nina)…Nikki flips out when she remembers that all her things are at the ranch — Victor will flip out if he returns to the ranch and sees them.  She says she needs a drink.  YES!!!!!  That damn meddling Paul instead leads her to a secluded corner where Nikki laments that Ashley was the only one that could reach Victor.

At the ranch, Victor is surprised to see Estella.  When he asks what she is doing there, she tells him she’s been living there…with Mrs. Newman. Cue Ashley’s arched eyebrows. Victor asks Estella to get the rest of the staff to return and to pack up Nikki’s shit.  Oh snap!

Back at that rockin’ memorial at the GCAC:  Michael gets a text message and hauls ass…Brad busts his ass to tell Heather and Adam that Victor showed up at the funeral causing Heather to start making calls and Adam to shit his pants…Nina tells Amber she is living in Los Angeles and writing screenplays…Jana and Kevin offer their condolences to Jill…Liz tells Jill she’s glad she told Jill she was adopted so that she got the chance to get to know Kay…Sharon and Lauren put their heads together about Noah and Screechy. Lauren is offended when Sharon suggests that Noah’s acting out began around the time he met Screechy so maybe it would be a good idea if those two crazy kids cooled their friendship for a while. Lauren is pissed and says good idea — especially since it was Sharon’s kid who got arrested. Oh snap!

Screechy and Noah skip school and go to the Abbott mansion so he can return the necklace the thugs took from her on that set that was supposed to be Paris. She hands it back to him and has him put it on her.  She makes me sick. They hug. Noah suggests they catch a movie sometime.

Meanwhile, back at the GCAC: Sharon tattles to Nick that Lauren suggested Noah is the bad influence. Nick tells her it’s been a hard day for everyone — once everything is settled down they’ll sit down with Michael and Lauren and talk things out. Sharon thinks that great idea calls for a hug. Cue Phyllis walking by and beginning a slow boil…Jeffrey and Gloria run into Jack who asks if they got The Cryptkeeper to sign over that stock before her death.  When they hesitate, he tells them it’s over — their chances of taking over Jabot are as dead as Katherine…Sharon runs into Brad and hugs him. Phyllis sees this too and gets a “what the fuck is this bitch’s deal?!?!?!” look on her face…Mitchell Sherman tells Jill that Kay’s orders were to have the will read as soon as possible.  Therefore the reading will be at the estate tomorrow morning.

J.T. and Vicboria go the ranch to pack up Nikki’s shit and discover Victor.  Ashley and J.T. leave the room for the father-daughter reunion. Victor forgives Vicboria for being such a cunt to Lurch and him. Michael arrives in response to Victor’s text message. The Moustache tells Baldwin he’s tired of running and wants him to clear his name.

Back at the GCAC:  Mitchell Sherman tells Gloria that she needs to be present for the reading of the will — Kay included her as a beneficiary…Paul tells Nikki he’ll talk to the concierge and get her a room so she can lay down (I pray it comes with a fully stocked mini-bar)…Dina skips out to catch a flight to Paris…Heather tells the pocket Newman she has a a dragnet covering the airports, bus stations, and limo services in case Big Vic tries to skip town…Nina asks Esther if she is going to retire now that The Cryptkeeper is gone.  Esther isn’t sure.  ”Oh well, you have time to decide — it’s not like Jill is going to throw your stuff out on the lawn,” Nina says.  ”Don’t count on that,” Esther replies…Lauren and Tracy run into each other and share an awkward reunion.  Ferret Face shows Chunky Monkey pics of Fen and apologizes for being a bitch when they were “kids”.  Saint Tracy of the Lean Cuisine forgives her. Lauren says Kay’s death made her realize she needed to apologize to be a better person. Danny — the fruit they fought over all those years ago — watches them hug…Heather asks Paul if he saw Victor at the funeral.  He tells he did. Wrong answer, big daddy. “Then why didn’t you call me?” Heather huffs before turning on her heel and stomping off in a snit.

Michael tells Victor that the most damaging evidence against him is from his own diary. Victor says he never had a diary — where did they get such a preposterous notion? Nick pipes up to announce Adam found it at the ranch. You may be hawt, Nick, but you squeal like a fucking 5 year old.

Back to the GCAC one more time:  A frantic Adam tells Jack that Big Daddy is back.  ”No big deal,” Jack tells him. “What isn’t a big deal?” Sharon asks. “Victor’s return,” Jack tells his nosey fucking child bride. Having soiled his Fruit-of-the-Looms once agin, Adam scurries off…Brad proudly boasts to Phyllis about tipping off Heather about Victor’s return…Lily compliments Cane on his eulogy. Chloe and Billy watch, pissed off.

The Cryptkeeper emerges from the shower in Marge’s clothes.  She says she’s famished.  You ben doing crosswords again, Murph asks as he serves up her fav — pork and beans. After she eats, Murphy puts Kay to bed (on the sofa — no sex for these two) and calling her Marge, tells her he’s going to take care of her. “Marge?” she says after he walks away. “My name is Marge…”

Michael tells Victor he has petitoned the court to turn over the diary to a team of their experts to have handwriting analysis done. He also mentions how Nick and Victoria have been working overtime to clear his name.  The doorbell rings. It’s Heather and two officers.  Victor tells Heather that she tried to prosecute him for the murder of Ji-Min Kim when his innocence was proven it nearly killed her career — this time her insolence will finish that career off.  Ms Thang tells the cops to cuff The Moustache and they read Victor his rights.

NIck heads back to the GCAC to check on Nikki and runs into Adam who begins bragging about how Heather knows Big Daddy is back in town and has a dragnet to catch the old bastard. NIck hauls off and punches the pocket Newman. Nick then rushes off to the ranch to warn Victor.  (Nick is just so fucking pretty that I’m not even going to make a crack about how using aphone would be a lot quicker than driving all over Hell’s half acre like a lunatic.)

Noah and Screechy are hanging out at the Abbott mansion, macking and playing video games when Jack and Sharon return home.  The kids hear them coming in and Screechy hauls ass out the back.  Later, Noah shows his mama a flier for the big Winter dance at school. Saint Sharon of the push-up bra says she’ll consider it if he obeys the rules…and stays away from Screechy. Noah throws a snit-fit and stomps upstairs. Looks like someone is on their period.

At the Genoa City lock-up, Heather laughs at Michael’s offer to surrender Victor’s passport and have him wear an ankle bracelet in return for bail. Heather is all “no fuckin’ way, losers” and gets another “I’m Victor Newman, dammit, and you will live to regret your transgressions against me” speech.  Give it a rest, pops.

At the GCAC, Phyllis eavesdrops on a conversation between exes Brad the Soon to be Convenient Jew (Hanukkah’s coming — don’t hate) and Saint Tracy of the Lean Cuisine.  Brad admits to his former wife that he met the woman of this dreams but let her slip through his fingers.  Phyllis’s eyes dart from side to side as she starts formulating a plan…

At Crimson Lights, Michael overhears the pocket Newman on his cell making plans to go to London for a job interview.  The lawyer tells Adam that Victor would like to speak with him.  Adam scoffs at the idea — until two huge brutes walk up and Michael informs him that he can go along with Big Vic’s request or they will help him go along with it…

TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR THE REST OF THIS WEEK’S RECAP!