The week kicks off with The Cryptkeeper meeting up with drunken diner waitress and Chancellor doppelganger Marge and reminiscing about old times.  (Old times being how evil Clint Radisson kidnapped Kay and Esther and hid them in an old farmhouse while he hired Marge to impersonate The Cryptkeeper in an attempt to steal her fortune only to have his plan fall apart when Marge switched places with Kay and let her escape and go to the cops — you know, good times.)  Kay urges Marge to get off the hooch and offers to help her turn her life around.

Forger extraordinaire Frank Ellis has met him a lady named Crystal.  Unfortunately, she’s a lady hired by Jack to snag his room key.  Later, when Frank calls Jack and demands his money, Abbott tells him to meet him on the patio at Crimson Lights.  While Frank is there, Jack sneaks into his room, finds the tape recording with his voice and erases it.

Heather informs both Jill and Brad that the FBI and SEC are dropping all charges against them since both David and Walter are dead.  So, let me get this straight, Heather — if there’s no one to corroborate that a crime took place, all charges are dropped?  I think Casey Anthony will be dancing in her jail cell when she gets that piece of news.

Nikki and Vicboria take the singed egg to Jana and ask if she knows its significance.  She does — it’s a Jeff Koons egg that Victor gave to Lurch with an engagement ring hidden inside.  I wonder if anyone has fed the puppy vase in Victor’s absence…?

Jeff returns and Gloria professes her love for him.  Fucking ensues.  Basking in the **retch** afterglow, Jeff tells Gloria that he’s had the tainted face cream all along and that he’s made arrangements for it (along with other evidence courtesy of his late twin) to be sent to the authorities should anything happen to him.  Gloria is pissed off and storms into the bathroom.  While she is stewing in there, Jeffrey goes through her purse and finds a photo of River, Gloria, and Michael from their commune days.

Adam shows up Crimson Lights and runs into Frank who is fuming that Jack has stood him up and threatens to go to the tabloids and expose the diary fraud they are perpetrating.  Adam calls Jack who tells him there is a brown jacket hanging on the back of a chair — the money is in the inside pocket.  The pocket Newman checks and sure enough, it’s there.  Frank is very nervous that he has never seen Jack face to face and tells Adam something is up.  Jesus, Adam — even day players can smell a rat…why can’t you?

In France, the priest gives Victor a prayer card (collect them all!) with St. Raymond, patron saint of children and the falsely accused on it.  He offers The Moustache a place to crash.

Gloria emerges from the can to find Jeffrey gone and the hippie family photo shredded on the bed.

Jeffrey goes for a drink and sees a drunken Marge stumbling out and mistakes her for Kay.

With the second payment concluding their business, Adam accompanies Frank back to his room to get the tape which they discover has been erased.  Adam asks Frank how much he knows about surveillance equipment…

Nick heads for South America with 90210’s Jessie Agent Aguilar seated beside him.  Hunkalicious messes with the agent by swiping his handcuffs and cuffing him to his seat when they land.

Victor prays some more.

Heather goes to see Phyllis and tries to get her to spill Victor’s whereabouts.  When that fails — seriously, H, did you think you were a match for Big Red? — she plays the ex card and informs Phyllis that Nick went to see Sharon before he left for South America.  Would she like to see the surveillance pics?  Phyllis is just starting to get that twitch when there is a knock at the door — it’s Sharon, with a permission slip for Nick to sign for Noah’s trip.  Things go from bad(ly coiffed) to worse when Can’t-Stop-Looking-At-The-Camera Summer wanders downstairs and announces in front of Heather that she can’t sleep because she scared of the bugs she heard mommy and daddy talking about.  Jesus Christ, why did they replace Special-Needs Summer with this idiot?

Adam shows up at the Abbott mansion with a wire and tries to get Jack to admit his part in the forged diary scheme but Jack plays dumb and says nothing to incriminate himself.  Pissed, the pocket Newman rips into Jack just as Sharon enters. “That was a low-down move erasing the tape. If this deal goes south, I’m taking you with me!” the pocket Newman shouts on his way out the door.

Jeffrey returns home and tells Gloria that he saw Kay drunk off her ass.  Gloria refuses to believe it.  Jeffrey also informs his wife that from here on out, their marriage is strictly a business arrangement.  Fuck me hard – do we have to play THIS shit out again?!?!?!?

The Cryptkeeper tells Amber that she sent a few chapters of her memoirs to a friend in the publishing world and there is interest in optioning it.  As they go through old newspaper clippings and photos for the book, Kay finds an article about the Clint Radisson/Marge scheme and hides it from Amber.

Sharon demands to know what Adam was talking about. Jack tells her he can explain.  ”You treat me like I’m stupid,” Sharon informs her husband. “You’ve underestimated me from the start…you lie to me at every turn and keep putting more distance between us. Now I want the truth and I will know if you are lying…”  Jack tells her that he was mentoring Adam, helping him find a publisher for some material he’d written…material that was dictated on tape and which somehow had gotten erased and now Adam is blaming him. “Jack, that story doesn’t even begin to make sense,” says Sharon, who last week believed jack was going to go to the hardware store to look at water heaters but now suddenly is sharp as a tack. “I trust my own instincts, not your lies…and right now I’m not sure I even want to be in this marriage.”  Sharon walks out, leaving a de-nutted Jack to think about what he’s done.  Jesus, I hate seeing Jack emasculated every single fucking time — and by Saint Sharon of the Push-Up Bra, no less.

Nick returns home.  Phyllis gives him the permission note.  Nick realizes that his totally hawt and wicked awesome current wife is jealous of his mentally challenged ex.  Duh.

Marge’s (boy)friend Murphy finds her at the bar and takes her back to his mobile home.  He tells her if she doesn’t sober up, she’s going to lose her job at the diner.

Heather tells Vicboria and Nikki that since the chateau burned down, Victor is now wanted by the French authorities as well.  Later, Nikki tells her spawn that there is one person left who may be able to help Victor and rushes out.

Jill has a shit hemorrhage when she learns that The Cryptkeeper is going through with her plans to publish her memoirs.

Sharon runs into Brad (who apparently ran into some pissed off injuns since it looks like he was scalped).  He tells her that all the charges have been dropped.  Sharon touches his hand and tells him she’s thrilled for him.  Enter Phyllis. “I’m glad Jack isn’t the jealous type,” Big Red sneers. “first you’re spending so much time with Nick and now Brad. I can’t remember the last time I saw you with your husband…”  Later, when Brad and Sharon get ready to leave, they share a hug.  A hug witnessed by Phyllis.

Gloria tells Kay that she doesn’t want the Jabot stock from her what with Kay being so mixed up and all — she will only take it now if she knows Kay is 100% certain she wants her to have it. Gloria goes on to say that anyone who tries to hurt The Cryptkeeper or take away her freedom will have to go through her first. “Maybe John was right about you after all,” Kay tells her.

Halloween comes to Genoa CIty.  On Thursday. Billy throws a party at The Dive bar and invites niece Colleen (who comes as a witch), a bunch of characters who hate him, and Devon and Roxanne because they totally have not been used in weeks.  Daniel and Amber (dressed as a rock star and Olivia Newton John) make out…LIly arrives dressed as Mary Ann from GILLIGAN’S ISLAND (I think) and gets a text from “Sonny Crawford” who she invites to the party, not realizing that “Sonny” is really Billy…Devon and Roxanne (dressed as a ghetto-tastic doctor and nurse) kiss…Amber pours a drink in Colleen’s lap…Cane and Chloe (dressed as a leather clad vampire and a pregnant homecoming queen) moon over Lily and Billy respectively…Lily has a fantasy in which Cane reveals himself to be Sonny Crawfrord but she realizes that she’s wrong when he later doesn’t know the reference (seriously, Lily — do you think that lunk head can read?).

Over at Club Indigo, Halloween finds Ana dressed as a cheerleader and Tyra as um, a woman with blue hair and a blue pantsuit…Chicken adobo Karen talks about her “condition” to doctor without a border Olivia who urges her open up to Neil (and still conveniently makes no mention of son, lil Nate)…Detective Wallace shows up and makes a comment that Tyra looks too young to be Ana’s mother, sending the less than gifted actress into a poorly rendered attempt at “panicked”…Chicken adobo Karen tells Neil that she tested positive for the ovarian cancer gene and had a hysterectomy to prevent herself ever getting it and therefore can never give him a child of his own.  She tells Neil he needs to consider how important that is before they make any more decisions about their future.  (Anyone smell a “surrogate mama Tyra” story in the makings?)

Screechy runs into Noah at Crimson Lights and persuades him to sneak into The Dive with her.  The plan fails when the bouncer lifts their masks and tells them no underage kids allowed.  Noah opens up about Cassie’s death and why his parents are so overprotective of him.  Screechy kisses him and then runs off.  If that doesn’t turn Noah gay, nothing will.

Vicboria and J.T. take No-Neck Reed over to Nick and Phyllis’s to go trick or treating with Can’t-Stop-Looking-At-The-Camera-Summer.  While Vicboria and Nick discuss their father, a picture of them and their parents mysteriously slams down on a table.  Later, Vicboria thinks she sees a woman’s shadow in the kitchen.  As J.T. and Vicboria prepare to leave, out of nowhere the sterling silver rattle that Lurch gave Reed comes rolling down the stairs.  After they leave, Nick and Phyllis go upstairs to fuck and a shadow passes by a family portrait and whispers Victor’s name.  It’s Lurch!  (***Note: all segments involving “the haunted tack house” were beyond bad…and I’m talking “Lurch and Victor discuss her riding the horse in a thinly veiled sexual innuendo way” bad.)

Heather gets a call.  She tells Adam that an informant has just heard on the street that excerpts from a diary left by Victor admitting to the murder of Walter Palin are about to be published in SOCIALITE MAGAZINE. Because you know how word on the street is all about upcoming magazine articles and not where to score some smack or how to obtain a gun or something shady like that.  Heather leaves and Adam calls Jack.

At the Abbott mansion, Sharon enters the room as Jack stares at his phone. “Why don’t you take the call?” she asks her husband.  ”Afraid I might overhear something?”

In London, Nikki makes a call to a mystery person and begs them to meet with her.

Victor prays some more.

At Crimson Lights, Nick runs into The Cryptkeeper who expresses her concern for Nikki and Victor.

Sharon goes to see Heather.  ”My husband and your boyfriend have been spending a lot of time together and I wondered if you know what that is all about,” Ms Collins Newman Abbot asks. Their conversation is interrupted by the delivery of a copy of the diary pages detailing “Victor’s” confession. Budding detective Sharon Jessica Fletcher’s the clues and determines that the documents Heather is receiving have to do with Victor.  I think this is mostly because the envelope says “VICTOR NEWMAN” on it and because the camera zooms in for an extreme close-up.

Victor prays for help beating his depression over losing Lurch and lil Peanut Newman.  I pray this church shit ends soon.

Meanwhile, the priest calls Nick and tells him that his father is staying at the church and needs help.

Adam goes to see Jack and tells him what he learned from Heather.  What if the feds discover that the diary is a fake?  Jack continues his charade of being innocent of any knowledge of the forgery and informs the pocket Newman that any magazine worth its weight would not print that material without thorough verification of its authenticity first.  And if it does turn out to be found a fake at some later date, who’s to say that Adam is the one responsible?

Jill informs The Cryptkeeper that she has made her an appointment with the chief of neurology at Memorial. Either Kay goes or she will go to the stockholders with a petition to bar Kay from making any managerial decisions.

Sharon asks Heather if she can use her phone (she lies that she forgot her cell at home).  Heather steps out of the room and Sharon calls someone and pretends to be Heather. She orders more copies of the Victor documents. “…and leave them on my filing cabinet!” Sharon tells the fucking dumbass on the other end of the line.  Heather returns and shows her out. The immensity of this scene’s stupidity cannot even be expressed in words.

Nick calls Nikki and tells her he is heading to France.

Victor confides in the priest that he bears some blame in Lurch’s death since he allowed his anger over the magazine article and learning who was behind it to cause him to leave the charity ball early which led to Lurch hitching a ride with David.  FINALLY — The Moustache recognizes he has a role in this, too.

The Cryptkeeper accuses Jill of wanting total control of Chancellor Industries and vows to fight her.  Jill tells her it’s not that at all — there are unscrupulous people out there just waiting to take advantage of her and her condition.  People like Gloria.  Kay is not swayed.  ”If you go to the stockholders with these papers, your days here are over,” she tells her daughter.

Heather meets an FBI agent at Crimson Lights (I have no idea why he wouldn’t just come to her office other than the writers needed her out of the office for the next scene where Sharon steals a copy of the Victor documents off the filing cabinet) and gives him a copy of the Victor documents.  Adam comes in and Heather tells him about Sharon’s visit.  She asks her pocket boyfriend what he is up to.  He gives her a story about Jack helping him get a venture off the ground.  ”You are so naive. Clean up your act and maybe we’ll have something to talk about,” she informs her pocket boyfriend.

In case you missed it, Sharon steals a copy of the Victor documents off the filing cabinet.

Marge calls The Cryptkeeper and announces she is ready to get sober.  Kay says she will be there for her.

Jill makes a phone call.  ”Katherine refuses to listen to reason — we’re going to have to force her to cooperate…”

An international warrant for murder is issued in the Walter Palin case.

Jack meets with Adam at Crimson Lights and tells him that Robert Drake’s legal department says the diary is real and that Drake is moving up the publication date for the diary to the next issue.  It will be on newstands tomorrow.  Jack tells Adam he can look forward to a fat paycheck and a book deal coming his way.

Nick and Sharon read “Victor’s” confession.

Victor leaves the church, dropping his St. Raymond trading card on the way out.

Nikki is pacing her hotel room when there’s a knock at the door.  It’s Ashley Abbott…