Sharon returns from a jog and asks Jack if he checked the messages last night.  What were you doing at the Motor Arms Motel?  Jack totally plays the dumb bitch by making a call and canceling his credit card because he has become the victim of identity theft.  Sharon finds it strange that someone would steal a card number and only charge a ratty old hotel room but then a dust mote floats by and she forgets what she was thinking.

Heather asks Adam where he was last night.  He tells her that he took his laptop and went to an all night diner to spruce up his resume for a meeting with a headhunter. Heather tells Adam that agents followed Nikki to Rio where she met with Victor…and that her father was there as well. Enter Paul.  Heather asks Adam to leave them alone and wishes him luck with the recruiter.  ”I don’t know what’s worse — that you lied to federal agents…or that you used me to do it,” Heather snipes at her father.  I would fucking plow that bitch in the mouth if she were my kid.

Michael tells Screechy that he believes in their father and was on his way to tell him just that when she helped him break out.  While he is working to save their hippie pater, he needs for her to follow the straight and narrow and go to school and shit.  And not say a fucking word, Michael — you totally forgot to tell her that part.

Nikki returns home.  Nick and Vicboria debrief her and then hunkalicious tells his mother that from this point on he will be the one to establish Victor’s presence in cities around the globe as he travels on Newman business.

Paul insists he followed Nikki to find Victor and convince him to return and speak to authorities to straighten things out.  Heather is still pissed that Paul said he was there on her behalf.  ”Want to know how I see it?  I think you followed your pal Nikki down there to let her know she was being followed and to let Victor get away,” she whines.  As an officer of the court she really should report him — but she won’t.  What she will be doing is no longer discussing the case with him since he cannot be trusted.

Adam calls Jack with the news that Victor has been spotted in Rio.  Jack hightails it over to the Motor Arms to get their plans in motion.  Adam tells him he’s been up all night working on the article about being Victor Newman’s son.  It is poorly written (“I came to see that Vicboria and Nicholas are indulged children whose lack of talent is only dwarfed by their misguided sense of entitlement.  The only kindness they ever showed me — if you could call it that – was warning me about my father.  They said he wasn’t what he appeared to be an over time they proved to be right. I saw a Victor Newman who was beyond cruel, but did that make him capable of murder?  Actually yeah — I think so.”  Um, that’s where your fucking article should start taking off, you lunkhead.  Second in his class at Harvard, my ass.)  Jack tells Adam he thinks it is passionate and gripping…just don’t hold back.

Heather and two day player cops go to the Newman ranch to question to Nikki.  The ex-stripper calls her attorney — Michael.

Nick and Vicboria discuss Victor’s possible guilt in Walter Palin’s death.  Vicboria thinks her daddy couldn’t do anything like that, but Nick is with Nikki and thinks Big Daddy iced the dude.  Vicboria says Nick should realize that just because you lose a loved one doesn’t mean you will seek revenge — Nick was mad with grief when Cassie died as a result of the drunk driving incident and she herself stood beside Ryan when beloved psycho Tricia Dennison (see today’s title for reasons why she is just so beloved to me) shot him on her wedding day, then sat at his bedside when he died.  Neither one of us killed in retaliation, the moron reasons.

Michael gets a call during Heather’s interrogation of Nikki.  He hands her the phone, saying it’s Nick.  It’s not — it’s Victor!  “Did you tell the authorities I killed Walter Palin?”

Nick gets a call that Victor’s chateau was burned to the ground.

Lauren takes Screechy shopping for winter clothes then to Crimson Lights for coffee.  (The last thing that over the top bitch needs is caffeine.)  Lauren leaves to meet with a buyer and Noah shows up. They discuss the French class trip to France and how Hemingway “knew where it was at.”  Horrific dialogue written by stodgy 40-something writers with sticks up their asses and no recollection of what it was like to be young ensues…

Screechy: When I go to Paris I want to really breathe in the city, you know?  Meet the people…get lost in back alley ways…
Noah: My man Ernie taught me you can take something and make whatever you want out of it.
Screechy: What are you going to do — ditch the chaperones and rent a motorcycle?
Noah: Maybe.
Screechy: Cool.
Noah: Does that mean you’re going?
Screechy: That means cool.

As bad as this reads, it is infinitely worse in the hands of kids learning to act.

“You may think you know what happened in Mexico but you don’t.  Trust me, you don’t,” Victor tells his ex-wife.  “The facts will come out soon enough.  Meanwhile, I’ll make sure the authorities cannot find me.  I don’t want you to interfere and I don’t want you to encourage them to. Any contact you make with me will put me in danger.  Don’t mistake this for affection or concern on my part — I meant every word I said on that beach in Mexico.”  He then asks her to give the phone back to Michael.  “This is the last time you will hear from me — I’m cutting off all communication,” he tells his attorney.  “I have made my decision — I am severing all ties with the past.  If they are leaning on you, threatening to take your license, I will protect you.  I am releasing you from your contract. You can keep the retainer — the money means nothing to me.”  Genoa City brain trust president Heather suddenly realizes it is Victor on the phone and tells one of the mute day player cops to go get a trace on the call.  ”Put that ambitious d.a. on the phone please,” Newman says.  Michael hands Heather the phone.  ”This is Victor Newman, do not interrupt me when I speak.  I will say this only once.  Listen carefully…”

Billy pumps Cane for info about how he knocked up Chloe and lost Lily.  Being a total dumbass, The Thunder From Down Under totally spills.  Seeing how easy that was, Billy feels around in regards to the Cane-Jill dynamic and is impressed-slash-toally pissed off at the amount of control his half bro has over their mother.

Nick and Vicboria arrive at the ranch in time to hear Victor ordering Heather to leave his family alone.  He hangs up and the cop returns to tell Heather they did not get a trace on the call.  When Heather tries to remove the SIM card from Michael’s phone, Nikki snatches the phone and removes the card which she then smashes under the heel on her pumps.  A furious Heather stomps out, vowing to find Victor and prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law.

At Newman, Nick runs into Sharon.  They discuss correlating their schedules for Noah.  Sharon is all giggles and creamed panties in he presence of her ex.

Paul stops by Newman to see Nikki.  He runs into Vicboria who thanks him for looking out for her mother.

Noah asks Sharon if he can go on the class trip to Paris.  Across town, Lauren receives a letter from the school informing her that in the 15 minutes she’s attended high school, Screechy has become eligible to go on a trip to Paris.  Lauren asks Screechy if she wants to go on.

Jack tells Adam Robert will publish both the diary and the article but he needs all the materials by the end of the week.  ”Schmuck,” Jack mutters under his breath as he shuts the door behind him on his way out.  Adam calls Frank and tells him they need the diary by the end of the week. As he is leaving the motel room, he runs into Paul.  Thought you were meeting with a recruiter, the p.i. asks.  Adam offers up some lame-ass story about canceling that to meet a friend at the motel.  A friend who left before him so Paul can’t meet him.  Paul is SOOOOO not buying that story.

In a generous show of brotherhood, Cane puts Billy in charge of the Lady Starblaze line.  (I suggest Billy’s first act be to rename it.)

Another of Gloria’s lies unravels when Jack overhears her arguing with Jeffrey on the phone and realizes she has not obtained 5% of The Cryptkeeper’s Jabot stock.  He gives his bug-eyed step-mommy until the end of the day to provide evidence otherwise.

Paul tries to warn his ungrateful bitch daughter that Adam is not to be trusted but the pocket Newman has beat him to the punch and already given the dumb bitch his version of things.

Gloria teams up with Kevin to gaslight The Cryptkeeper and get her hands on the stock.  Somehow — the writers totally gloss over every bit of explanation here — Kevin manages to produce both a voice message from Kay asking Gloria to come over to Jabot and documents giving Gloria 5% of The Cryptkeeper’s stock.  When Glo shows up, Kay is adament she never made any call but Glo plays back the voice mail and the crone backs down.  She becomes further rattled when the stock transfer documents arrive.  Kay’s hand trembles as she begins to sign…

Phyllis is horrified to learn that not only are Daniel and Amber a couple once again, but that Amber has moved out of the penthouse and into Daniel’s loft.  Just the thought of those two makes me ill.

Before Kay can finish signing the stock transfer documents, Jill bursts in and snatches the papers away.  When she sees what they are, she tears them up and orders Gloria to get out and to stay away from her mother.  The Cryptkeeper flies into a rage over Jill’s humiliation of her, but later admits she is forgetful and agrees to go see a doctor specializing in dementia.

Gloria’s day gets even worse when she is summoned to River’s jail cell where Michael has identified her in a pic taken the day the bomb went off.  Many boring hippie flashbacks ensue with the upshot being that Michael was at the pre-bombing rally (and that he liked to streak as a child) as well as the revelation that River was a real stand-up hippie who only wanted to make the world a better place for his son and argued with his best friend Marshall about the bomb.  As if that shit wasn’t coma inducing enough, Gloria chews scenery and screams out her frustration that RIver didn’t stay home with her and Michael that day 40 years ago.

Amber and Daniel invite bickering Kevin and Jana over to the loft for dinner.  Jana is bugged by Kevin’s renewed slipperyness and his desire to obtain a fortune no matter what.  Later, she mentions Kay misplacing her car to Amber who remembers Jill asking if The Cryptkeeper has seemed forgetful.  Later, Kevin finally admits he moved the fucking car.

Welcome to Club Indigo where there’s always something happenin’:  Neil is impressed with Tyra’s ability to run the club…Lily returns from New York and everyone licks her ass because she is a fucking goddess or something…Ana and chicken adobo Karen arrive and everyone is all with the noticing the close bond they are establishing…Billy tags along with Colleen (under the pretext of craving Indigo’s infamous gumbo) so that he can schmooze Lily…Cane and Chloe show up because she too was craving the gumbo (once she overheard Billy was going there)…out of nowhere Olivia shows up at the club and as if the family reunion weren’t enough to turn my stomach, there is the sudden revelation that chicken adobo Karen and Olivia know one another — it seems Olivia was her doctor in New York!…seeing Billy and Lily talking, Cane later warns her not to trust his brother only to have Lily inform him that it’s none of his business.  Oh snap!…Chloe reluctantly agrees when Billy tells her she’s going to help him hook up with Lily which in turn will keep her hubby on a short leash.

Sharon gives Noah advice on girls.  I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief he didn’t ask for advice on hairstyles.

Screechy decides to go on the school trip to Paris.

Chicken adobo Karen asks Olivia if their doctor/patient confidentiality thing still applies in Genoa City, because she doesn’t want Neil to know about her medical history…

Sharon wants to have lunch with grampa daddy hubby Jack, but he makes excuses for why he can’t. Seriously Jack — the hardware store?  To look at new hot water heaters?  I would laugh at your inability to lie well, but instead I am weeping because Sharon actually bought that shit without blinking an eye.

Nick breaks out Phyllis’s blue cowboy hat and wants to fuck her wearing just that for their anniversary.  Phyllis is all creaming her painted on jeans when Sharon calls to talk about Noah’s school trip to Paris.  Promising to get back to her, Nick and Phyllis collapse on the infamous fuck sofa and start going at it.  Nick knocks over one of Summer’s juice boxes and when he bends down to clean it up, discovers a bugging device under the coffee table.  Turning on the music, Nick dances with his hawt wife and whispers what is going on in her ear.

Frank Ellis delivers the forged diary to Adam.  When he demands the second installment of his money, Adam says he’ll get it.  Ellis is nervous that he’s never seen Adam’s partner.  “How much do you trust this guy?” he asks the pocket Newman.

Nick tells Phyllis to make fuck sounds while he sneaks out to warn Nikki that they are being bugged.  Phyllis shouts “oh yeah, baby” and shit which devouring an entire box of pastries.  In the surveillance van, dumbass Heather is all but fanning herself at the thought of being plowed by super hunk Nick.

Jill finds The Cryptkeeper at work and flies off.  The Cryptkeeper accuses her of wanting to shuttle her off to an old age home.  A monologue about how scary forgetfulness and getting old is follows.  When I wake up, Jill has made an appointment with a dementia doctor and is going to take her momma after a meeting.

Nick shows up at the ranch and holds up a sign telling Nikki to turn on the television and come outside.  SHe does and hunkalicious tells her the skinny on the bugging devices.

Adam calls Jack and asks where he’s at.  Jack explains he’s at Crimson Lights for a meeting with publisher Robert Drake.  When Frank demands to speak to him, Jack explains he needs the diary NOW.  You’ll get paid, Jack tells the forger, reminding him that he (Frank) has the biggest leverage in all of this: the tape recording of Jack’s voice dictating the diary.  Great way to set up your own eventual blackmail, Jack.

Nick and his momma come up with some plan to throw Heather and 90210’s Jessie Agent Aguilar off Vic’s tracks thatn involves Nick going to Buenos Aires.  Nick stops by the Abbott mansion to see Sharon and sign Noah’s field trip slip on his way out of town.  Sharon is all melancholy over it being his anniversary and tells him to be careful on his trip.  She soooo wants to have his mouth babies again.

Adam shows up at Crimson Lights with the diary and Drake is blown away by its contents.  He is going to publish it in the very next issue.  Adam is pissed when Drake decides not to run that third grade effort of his, citing it as overkill that would be perceived as the grumblings of a bitter disowned son.  Adam tells Jack he doesn’t like any of this — he feels like he’s coming out on the short end of the stick and is being set up for a fall. (Duh, Adam.) Jack assures him he’s not:  if the diary should be proven a fake, they will simply say they bought it from someone in Mexico who told them it was the real deal.

Jill goes to get Kay and learns she has left the building.  Cut to Kay throwing back drinks in a seedy bar.  But wait — it’s not Kay!  It’s Marge!  And how do we know this?  Because The Cryptkeeper walks in and sees her look-a-like with a glass in her hand…

At the mansion, Nikki and Vicboria unpack a box containing things that survived the chateau fire sent to them from the French officials.  (Yeah, whatever.)  Amongst the items is the egg that held Lurch’s ring when Victor proposed.  Neither woman understands the egg’s importance.  Frankly, neither do I.

Victor goes to a French church and lights a candle, then enters a confessional to spill his secrets…