I’m Nicky Bruschetta and these are the headlines at this hour:

~ TV SO GOOD I WANT TO EAT IT UP (OR RUB IT ALL OVER MY BODY AND HAVE A CERTAIN SOMEONE LICK IT OFF):  How awesome was last night’s GOSSIP GIRL?  From that MY FAIR LADY opening to more of the national Serena van der Woodsen love-in (“I heard Marc Jacobs named a purse after her”) it was awesomeness incarnate.  Not sure if I’ve mentioned it before, but I love this show.  And the previews for next week’s CRUEL INTENTIONS rip-off have me making happy in my boxer briefs already.

~ YOU WANT ME TO WEAR WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?…OKAY:  The Fella decided on Halloween costumes for us should we decide to dress up.  I’m not going to tip our hand just yet, but think fairy tale.  And then put the accent on “fairy.”  (And no, Trout — this does not involve drag in any form…)

~ YOU CAN’T TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS:  Mia called to tell me she’s decided to go back to college after 21 years. Her major?  Umm…undecided. But what she was sure about was correcting me when I suggested she might have to retake a few classes due to the gap in her educational career:  ”So what?  If you’re out of college for 21 years and in your profession, do they make you retake the fucking class again?  I don’t think.  I’m an American, I have to the right not to take things over.  Unless they’re oil producing countries.  You’re serious? You mean I really might have to take things over that I’ve already taken?  Wait! — I have an associate’s degree!  They can’t touch that.  They have to take the credits! I’m immune — they can’t touch me.”

~ THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME?:  The Fella and I are making some holiday plans (re: Christmas-y). Don’t make too much of it — I’m not.

~ WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT DOESN’T GROW ON TREES?:  I have spent an obscene amount on amazon.com in the last few weeks.  Think 9 big boxes at my door obscene.  

~ ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU”RE LIKE COLD WATER ON A HARD-ON?  REALLY? ‘ CAUSE YOU TOTALLY ARE:  Clint informed me yesterday that I would need to work this Saturday.  All day.  Which totally fucks up my plans with The Fella. Of course, the good news is that he didn’t pick next weekend which is a Nicky and The Fella Getaway Part Deux.

~ COMING SOON:  Watch this space tomorrow for not one, not two, but three — that’s right, count ‘em! Three! — big announcements.

~ AND FINALLY, BECAUSE I HATE TO BE QUESTIONED ABOUT THINGS LIKE ACCURACY:  No, MindyMoo — it is not a “collapsed” uterus — it really is a prolapsed uterus.  Think of a really big pendulous hemorrhoid…only swinging from your vagina instead of your ass.  Does that make any sense?  No? Hmmmmm…then just click here.

I’m Nicky Bruschetta and it’s news to me!