With Victor MIA, Nick, Vicboria, and Nikki head out to the ranch with a warrant to look for Big Daddy.  Their search yields nothing but hurt feelings and guilt:  Nick finds the letter he wrote his father unopened, while Vicboria and Nikki find the ultrasound of lil Peanut Newman and are weighed down by the immensity of Vic’s loss and their part in it.

Meanwhile, Victor arrives at his destination.  (I’m guessing it’s the French chateau he bought Lurch on her deathbed as an incentive to kick Death’s ass.)

Jeffrey runs into The Cryptkeeper who tells him that she turned down Gloria’s request to buy some of her Jabot stock.  A pissed off Jeffrey confronts his lying wife and tells her that will be the LAST time she lies to him or else…

Michael admits to Nick that he knows where Victor is, but cannot tell anyone.

In New York, Jack has an Abbott family pow-wow.  He tells Ashley, Tracy, and Billy that he and a silent partner are working on regaining controlling interest of Jabot.  Tracy and Billy agree to give him their proxies, but Ashley refuses until Jack tell her who his silent partner is.

At Jabot, Cane is pissed off when Jill returns to work and first interrupts his meeting and then calls him out on the stupidity of starting yet another cosmetics line.  Um, might wanna listen to your mama, Cane — the sum total of your experience as a cosmetics CEO is…um…zilch.  You were a fucking bartender previously, turd.

Dumbass Lowell/River/Stven Keaton fires Michael from his case.  Michael tells his hop-head daddy that he should doing his damnedest to beat the rap and be reunited with Eden.  Obviously Michael has spent very little time with Eden because life in prison would be preferable to spending 30 seconds with that screechy bitch.

Apparently suffering from brain damage and/or hearing loss, Lauren tries to bond with Eden who reveals she was schooled at the ashram and has never attended a real school.

At Crimson Lights, Gloria and Jeffrey are suspicious of The Cryptkeeper’s mental state when she refers to Jeffrey as his dead twin William.  (I’m guessing that Kay’s evil twin — gum-chomping waitress Marge — has taken over Kay’s identity once more…this time at Kay’s request.)

The Thunder From Down Under pushes Chloe to make up with Esther.

Jack reminds Billy that he helped Billy with his gambling addiction and funded his lifestyle in Hong Kong and now he’s calling in the favor:  he wants Billy to take a job at Jabot and feed him the inside information he’ll need to seize control of the company when the time is right.

Lily goes to Cane and turns in her resignation.  The big lunk gets all misty eyed and begs his ex paramour to stay.  Just as her panties are getting moist, she catches a glimpse of his screen saver:  the ultra-sound pic of lil Peanut Mitchell hyphen Chancellor.  She decides to stand firm in her decision and leaves.

Chloe goes to Esther and tells her that she will never forgive her for shuttling her off to private school instead of being a real mother to her.  Esther tries to explain her actions but Chloe doesn’t want to hear it (neither do the viewers).

As a show of just how deeply Lily’s resignation has affected him, Cane waits an entire commercial before asking Colleen to be the new Fresh Face of Jabot.

The ghost of John Abbott appears to Jack and warns him about trusting Billy.

Positive that Kay is on the fast track to Depends and pudding, Gloria has Kevin go back to his job at Jabot and test the old broad.  Kevin puts The Cryptkeeper through her paces and she never messes up once.  She does, however, get the impression that Mr. Fisher is hitting on her.  A nation blanches.

Esther suggests that perhaps once little Peanut Mitchell hyphen Chancellor is born, Cane and Chloe will fall in love.  Chloe tells her that she doesn’t believe in love — she was in love once and the man turned out to a liar and a cheater…and she still loves him.

Having decided to make a career of taking her best friend’s sloppy seconds, Colleen goes to Lily and tells her about Cane’s offer.  Lily is obviously pissed — first her ex-husband and now her job! — but grudgingly gives her blessing.

Billy surprises Jill at Jabot.  The week’s best moments occur when she introduces him to Cane, who nearly pisses himself with excitement and welcomes his little bro with a ginormous bear hug.  Billy looks at his brother like the fucking dumbass he is.  LOL to infinity.

At RESTLESS STYLE, Nick is distracted worrying about Victor.  Nikki jumps in Phyllis’s shit and blames her for urging Nick going along with Vicboria and attempting to have Victor committed thus resulting in Victor’s disappearance and Nick’s depression.  Whew!  Nice leap there, Nikki.

Lily tells Devon and his beard Roxanne about Colleen being the new Fresh Face of Jabot and how she really isn’t happy about it even though she said she was.  They tell her to be honest with Colleen.  So she is.  And Colleen is all “my grampa started Jabot and I totally want it.”

Billy calls Amber and tells her he’s staying in Genoa City and wants to crash with her for a while.  The slut totally jumps on that shit.  Later, after fucking her, Billy gets the lowdown on big brother Cane and is especially interested in the fact that Cane and Lily broke up after Cane got another girl pregnant…

Jill tells Cane that asking Colleen to replace Lily is a bad idea — she has no experience and she’s Brad’s daughter.  Cane says that scandal will have no meaning to the demographic they are going for.  Jill tells him to listen to her.  Later, in a challenge of Jill’s authority, Cane calls Colleen and offers her the job.  The dumb bitch busts her ass to accept.

Chicken adobo Karen moves back in with Neil.  To flesh out her character a little more, she reveals that she lost her mother when she was 12.  This does little to endear her to me.  Now had she whipped out that fucking crockpot and got that batshit crazy look in her eye again…

Nikki calls Victor and leaves a message begging him to take the time he needs to get over his loss but to return to his family when he is done — they are hurting too and need him.

In his super secret lair, Victor listens to Nikki’s message.

Jack flies Adam to New York to meet with magazine editor Robert Drake regarding their Victor Newman expose.  Drake isn’t all that interested until Jack mentions Victor’s family wanting to have him committed and that he and Adam are in possession of Victor’s journal from his time at the fishing shack.  Drake even agrees to let Adam write the article.

Eden is invited to a party by Hannah, a girl in her English class.  Why a seemingly nice and sane girl like Hannah would invite the screeching skank anywhere is beyond me, but Screechy accepts.

Billy shows up at the Abbott mansion while Sharon is meeting with the unseen for months interior designer about her overhaul of the Abbott mansion.  He announces that he is back for good.

Colleen tells Lily she took the job over at Jabot.  America’s Former Next Top Model is pissed off but tells the bitch their friendship will survive.

Lily goes to pick up her paycheck at Jabot and runs into Billy (ever heard of direct deposit, genius?).  He totally puts the moves on her, telling her that Colleen is no replacement for her.  BIlly and Lily — how fucking annoying does that sound?

Phyllis writes a scathing Editor’s Letter for the new issue of RESTLESS STYLE, slamming Jack and Sharon but later has an inexplicable change of heart and omits all the good stuff.

Noah comes home and tells Sharon he was invited to a party and wants to go.  She totally flips out and says no.  Noah calls Nick who hauls as over to the Abbot mansion.  After talking to the father of the kid hosting the party, Nick and Sharon agree to let their spawn attend.  Sharon warns her son not to accept any pills, not even someone tells him it’s just aspirin.  ’Cause kids totally pass around the Advil at parties…

Colleen runs into Chloe at Crimson Lights and they have a stand-off regarding who’s treated Lily worse: Chloe for stealing Cane and driving her to quit her job, or Colleen for banging he ex-husband and taking her job 2 minutes after she resigned.  Chloe tells Colleen that the only reason Cane offered her the job was because she’s Lily’s best friend and he wanted a way to stay close to her.  It’s not because you’re all that pretty, Chloe gloats.  Hee-hee…I loves me some Chloe.

Cane invites Billy over for dinner.  When he tells Chloe his brother is coming over, she suddenly gets reallllllllllllly tired.

After Robert leaves, Adam asks Jack what their next move is.  To find a good forger, Jack replies.  The pocket Newman suddenly develops a conscious and says he’s not sure he wants to do that…

Eden shows up at the party and accepts a beer from Hannah.  Meanwhile, Noah nearly soils his diaper when he finds out that there is no parental supervision and that Nick actually talked to the host’s older brother who does a mean impression of their dad.

Nick and Phyllis are basking in a post-fuck afterglow when Sharon calls, all wigged out because Noah isn’t answering his cell and it’s well over 2 minutes past his curfew.  Of course, Nick totally says he’ll be right over much to Phyllis’s dismay.

Cane is changing clothes when the doorbell rings.  He asks Chloe to get it. She opens the door and Billy is shocked to see her. “You don’t know me and we’ve never met!” Chloe hisses.

While going over the police reports, Michael discovers that another protester was held and then released at the same time as Lowell.

Chloe tells Billy they know a lot of dirt about each other so keeping their mouths shut is the order of the day.

Noah’s friends push him to ask Eden to dance.  Just then, Nick calls him.  Eden snatches the phone from the dim bulb.  “Party central!” she answers it.  Cut to Nick and Sharon listening to the call on speaker as two partygoers enter shouting “new keg!”  Ruh-roh…

Michael tells Lauren he has no idea how to handle a teenage girl.  He decides to try and talk to Eden and smooth things out.  Ruh-roh…

Phyllis’s irritation grows when Nick calls and says he and Sharon are on their way over to the party to get their son.

Cane is thrilled for his brother to “meet” his wife.  Billy asks when Chloe is due.  She says around Easter.  “In March?” Billy asks, looking nauseous.  “April,” Chloe corrects him.

Colleen urges Lily to use an online dating service.

Amber arrives at Cane and Chloe’s and the four share an awkward evening.  Awkward because Billy can’t remember where he first met Amber, awkward because Billy calls Cane out for being (sort of) married to Amber, awkward because the subject of Lily comes up.  I love me some Billy Abbott.

While trying to get his phone back, Noah bumps into another party-goer and gets some beer spilled on him.  Eden shrieks that if Noah wants his phone back, he’s going to have to dance with her.  For some unknown reason, the junior Newman seems to find this idea appealing.

Nick and Sharon show up at the warehouse for Noah.  Realizing he’s in trouble, Eden gives him his phone back.  As police sirens are heard in the distance, the kids flood out of the warehouse.  Noah follows his parents out, pausing to look back at Eden who apparently is too stupid to catch a clue because she just stands there looking like the dumbass she is.

Colleen tells Daniel she is turning down the Fresh Face of Jabot gig.  He is proud of the way she and Lily totally have each others’ back.

Phyllis calls while Nick is busy ripping Noah a new one, so Sharon answers and tells Phyllis that Noah is fine and Nick is busy dealing with him.  Phyllis asks to speak to her husband.  “What part of he’s busy right now are you having trouble understanding?” Sharon snaps.  Phyllis sees red.  “Well I’m glad Noah’s fine, but you can kiss my –” Sharon hangs up on her.

Michael is waiting when Eden sneaks back in.  She tells her big bro the party was “chill.”  Then 1990 calls and asks for its slang back.

When Nick asks Noah why he smells like a brewery, the little nipper explains someone spilled it on him.  Sharon tells Noah he had no place at a party where alcohol was being served.  After what happened with Cassie, how could he possibly think it was okay to be there?  Nick says they can’t trust him if this is how he’s going to conduct himself — he’s grounded.

Michael tells Eden that she WILL obey or he will revoke his role as her guardian and she can go live with strangers.  Eden makes an ugly face to signify anger/frustration and says she will run away the first chance she gets — she’s not staying where she’s not wanted.  Hey, I’ll pack for you, bitch.

Nick calls Phyllis to tell her not to wait up for him — he and Sharon have a lot to talk about.

Phyllis imagines Sharon turning on her feminine charms and asking Nick to change a light bulb for her.  Pissed, Big Red calls the printer to make a few last minute changes to the Editor’s Letter.  Changes that include calling Sharon “vcauous” and “hair chewing.”

Colleen helps Lily set up an account with a dating service.

Phyllis runs into Daniel at Crimson Lights and grouses about Sharon manipulating Nick.  She then hints at what she did to the Editor’s Letter.  Daniel tells her she needs to be careful…

Eden comes out with her duffel bag and announces she is going back to the ashram to wait for her father.  “Oh get real,” Michael shouts, “your father isn’t getting out any time soon — he’s on trial for murder!”  Oops.  Shrieky didn’t know that.

Cane tells Billy that he must know Chloe’s mom.  Billy asks why he would know her.  Cane says Esther is Chloe’s mom.  “You’re Kate?” Billy asks incredulously.

As Nick is getting ready to leave, Sharon thanks him for always being there for her and Noah.  They share a lasting hug.  Noah comes downstairs and seeing his parents in an embrace, quietly goes back to his room.  Noah isn’t the only one to see the clinch, either.  Jack has just returned from New York and sees his wife and her ex…