The first call came in at 9:31am.

“Hello?”

“All our representatives are currently assisting other customers.  Please wait for the next available representative.  Thank you.”

I hung up.

Seriously?  Dirkey don’t play that shit.  Either call and be ready to talk or dial when you are available — if you call me, you’re on MY time so don’t make with the wasting of it.

The second call came at 1:50pm.

“Mr. Mancuso?”

“Yes.”

“This is Reed from Hell.  Our records indicate your account is currently behind.”

***record scratch***

Cue me politely clearing my throat and asking my account in regards to what.

“Your laptop computer.”

Deep breath.  “I don’t own any of your products.”

“Our records indicate that you do and that your account is delinquent, sir.”

I quickly corrected him on that matter and then proceeded to explain in graphic detail the entire horrific turn of events:  how I ordered the damn thing on July 24th and was first promised it first by August 10th, then later by August 19th, only to receive a voice mail on August 18th inquiring why I had cancelled my order. Upon calling to clarify that I had NOT cancelled the order, I learned that as a result of what I later learned was an internal ”snafu” I would have to go to the end of the line and begin my wait for a computer all over again with a mid to late September delivery date now promised.  Realizing it would be easier to adopt Romanian baby than to get a laptop from these people, I opted to go with an i-mac.

“I see.  So would you be willing to pay perhaps $30 today on your account?”

“When I just opened my mouth, did English fall out?.  No.  I would not like to make a payment today.  I make it a policy not to make payments on items I don’t own and have no intention of owning.”

“Well, this account is showing past due.”

Again I made with the whole “you pissed me of and I took my business elsewhere” saga of a computerless bloggin’ ‘mo in the semi big city.

Once he realized I had no intention of budging on my refusal to pony up some green, he gave me a number to call to get the matter rectified.

Which I called.

And told my epic tale in its entirity once more.

Only to be told by that individual that he could not help me — I would need to talk to customer care.

LOL.

Customer care.  Good one.

After an interminable wait, I was paired up with a perky gal with a southern drawl and a penchant for interrupting and then saying “I’m sorry — go on.”

Which I did.  At great length.

Finally(!), after 45 excruciating minutes a light bulb went off — I think — and the pieces slowly fell into place:  I was informed that since I had never received a computer (okay, somebody was listening), my account was now at a zero balance and I no longer owed anything for something I didn’t own (that’s what I’m talkin’ about)..

I think this only further cemented my belief in what I’ve been told:  once you go mac, you’ll never go back.

Can I get an amen?