Hello poppets and welcome to the very first edition of Mailbag Monday coming to you from daddy’s new computer!  That’s right — daddy made good on his promise and went out and dropped some serious coinage on a brand new magic box that makes the intranet his.  And Daddy feels gooooooooood.  

Anyhoo, on to this edition of the Mailbag.  Since we haven’t done this for a while, let’s take a moment to fill in any new readers on how this works:  you guys send in questions and I answer them. No question is off limits and all questions are answered. That’s it. (I know — staggeringly complex in its design and yet oh so easy to operate.)  So with that out of the way, let’s dive right into our rather overflowing mailbag and see what’s on your minds…

Our first question comes from The Ring:   

“OK Mr Wizard, oh wait, wrong decade. Anyway…here’s a dilemma that I am currently having.  You know damn well those little Chinese bitches on the Olympic gymnastics team are not 16. As a matter of fact, forms that they filled out as late as December 2007 show their ages at 13 to 14. And now miraculously they are 16 just 8 months later.

I am visiting Beijing in October (don’t ask) and I’m so afraid I will arrive a 39 year old fabulous gay man and leave a week later as a 58 year old “daddy”.  Please help me understand how this remarkable time warp thing that the country of China has going on will effect a non-resident.  I would just hate to have to explain to people why I look like one of the California Raisins.  Do you think moisturizing would help?”

Seriously, how could moisturizing ever hurt in any situation?  As for the dilemma of arriving in Beijing a faboo gay man of 39 and leaving on the wrong side of 50, may I suggest flying around the world backwards several times over to turn back time like Kal-El did in SUPERMAN: THE MOVIE?  As far as I know, that is the only documented method of time reversal that actually works.  Much luck and safe journey!

Frequent commentor Ben would like to know:

“Are you EVER going to finish that story about Old Boy breaking his leg?”

Um, oh yeah…I totally forgot about that.  I’ll see about finishing up that mini-epic in the next few weeks.  Happy now, Ben?

Next up, we have Mark from Tales Of the Sissy who wants to know:

“Boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, bikini, or commando?”

Boxer-briefs at work.  Boxer-briefs or boxers at home.  Commando on that rare occasion when we’re going out and I’m feeling uber naughty.

There are some things you can always count on:  the sun rising in the east, Will Smith movies sucking ass, and TDtC, TCtI sidekick Ed coming up with a humdinger of a question.  Take it away, Ed…

“Hey Dirk!  You were offered a job in Nome, Alaska that pays beaucoup bucks and you must stay there 5 years if you accept the job. The Fella can’t come with you and you won’t be able to contact anyone in any way during the 5 years. At the end of that time you’ll be set for life. Would you take the job?”

This one is pretty easy for me, Ed:  No way, no how.  If I truly have found the guy for me (and every day it’s looking more and more like maybe I have) then there’s not a snowball’s chance in Hell that I would do one single thing to fuck that up.  Yeah, being financially set for life would be awesome, but if it cost me someone who I could grow old with then forget it.

Our next question comes from Andre, author of the infinitely readable but oh so NOT safe for work blog, My Gay Weblog…

“Dear Dirk – Something has been troubling me the past few weeks. No, actually irritating the shit out of me. On reading the gay blogs it is noticeable the obsession some of these gay auteurs have for straight men like Michael Phelps and Zac Efron. Perez Hilton amongst others spring to mind. What the fuck is this obsession with these heteros? These gays nearly sperm themselves by the mere mention of these two dorks’ names.  They do fuck all for me personally.”  

Well Andre, I think a lot of it has to do with that age-old human foible of wanting what we can’t have.  That which is unattainable always seems sweeter than that which we have right at our fingertips ready for the, er…plucking.  Either that or gay men and 13 year old girls share the same genetic make-up.  I’m pretty sure it’s one or the other.

totallyhawtMoe wants to know

“Are you still reading THE RUINS and watching PARTY OF FIVE – SEASON 3?”

No, Moe — I finished both a long time ago.  Due to computer issues, updating what I’m reading/watching has been a low priority for me.  Now that I have a magic intranet box of my own again, look for those to be updated very soon.  (And seriously — THAT is all you wanted to know?!?!?!)

Sometimes readers send in questions and fabulous suggestions in the same missive.  Take Fermat for instance:

“Hey Dirk:  Are you getting the new Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Beginning movie?  Better yet, why don’t you do what some other bloggers do and add a wish list to the site so you can have the joy of receiving stuff without all bother of a birthday, Christmas, Hannukah, etc.?”

Oh, Fermat!  I was in line for THE LITTLE MERMAID 3: ARIEL’S BEGINNING the very second I got off work (and I got a snazzy 3-D cup for buying it at Best Buy to boot!).  Now tell me more about this magical thing where one can add a wish list to their blog.  As intriguing and awesome as it sounds, however, it does seem a bit worrisome to have one’s home address out there on the intranet for everyone to see.  You know — “stranger danger” and all that…

Next up is Java who had not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 — count ‘em!  4! — questions:

“1) From whom did you order your computer?  I want to know so I don’t make the mistake of ordering a computer from that company.
2) Your new place is not as close to Mama Mancuso as you used to be.  How’s that going? 
3) How is Mama Mancuso holding up as a newly widowed widow?
4) Back to the computer: have you reordered?  From the same company?That’s all I’ve got.  Answer any, all, or none.  It’s all good.”

Wow, Java — slow up on your caffeine intake, mama!  In order:  It rhymes with Hell…the distance is good for me but seems to have sent her into a serious depression that yo-yos day to day…she is throwing a daily pity party for herself to celebrate her new role as “smartly adorned older woman who has spent her life doing for others and now those others are off dating stupid gay men and ignoring her when they should actually be dumping those same said stupid gay men and focusing on spending time with the smartly adorned older woman who has spent her life doing for others”…I did  not reorder with that company — I went out and bought a desk-top at Best Buy.

Next we move to a question from the uber talented and super cute Dr. Sparky Louise Veronica Horton Brady who would like an answer to this:

“Remember when we used to actually communicate with each other on fairly regular basis?  And remember how you used to swear up and down that I would get a boyfriend before you did?  And remember that guy you now sleep with regularly?  And remember how I am still as single as ever with no real hope of that ever changing?  What do you have to say about that, Romeo?”

Yes, Sparky, I do indeed remember all of those things and here’s what I have to say:  first off, with an actual working computer I can now once again send you volumes of vapid and pointless e-mails about how rockin’ awesome GOSSIP GIRL was last night.  (Speaking of which, did you see that I am Dan Humphrey?  He’s adorable!)  And if I recall correctly, I DID call you a few weeks back whilst you were off on business and painting a certain redneck city pink and fending off the advances of a drunken ‘mo all on the verge of vomiting on your carefully chosen ensemble.   And yes, I do recall telling you that you would find a boyfriend first and trust me no one is more surprised than me to realize I was wrong mistaken somewhere south of not right.  (And yes I remember The Fella — duh…he’s uber hot.)  Now as for the part about things never changing in regards to your singledom: I’m not buying that shit for a New York minute.  You’re smart, funny, cute as hell, and gainfully employed — all very elusive qualities to find in the same man.  You just need to open yourself up to the possibilities all around you.  Perhaps your perfect man isn’t perfect right now…perhaps he’s shuffling around in his Shazam t-shirt and lounge pants, eating gummy bears and listening to Roxette, waiting for you to find his sorry ass and play Henry Higgins to his Eliza Doolittle and cultivate the cultured gay man that is germinating inside.  So get crackin’ already.  I found my man on gay.com — now it’s your turn.

First time Mailbag participant Natalie is dying to know:

“Have you told The Fella you love him yet?  And are you making plans for a super special New Year’s Eve with him?” 

Thanks for the questions, Nat.  In regards to your first question — no.  We’ve only been dating a little over 5 months and I think it’s premature to be blurting out the “L” word at this point.  Do I have strong feelings for him?  Yeah, I do.  But I also think it’s wise to make sure those feelings are real and long term and not the by-product of hormones and really hot sex.  As for New Year’s, I sort of think it’s bad luck to assume that I’ll be with anyone past tomorrow.  The Fella need only take a walk through our neighborhood to realize the myriad options he has to trade up.  That said, I have taken vacation for  New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day…just in case.

And batting clean-up we have Josh, author of Gray Lenses for Dark Days, who asks this thought provoking question:

“From my own experience and in my conversations with others, it sometimes seems as though people’s sexual fetishes are based on some aspect of their lives that they actively try to suppress.  The classic example is the successful, powerful businessman who enjoys being completely dominated sexually.  What are your thought about chocolate-covered bacon?”

Hmmmmm.  Well, I loves me some bacon, but chocolate — not so crazy about that shit.  After watching the video, however, I would have to say that I would not be opposed to trying some. And by some, I mean a half pound box for $16.99. (So send me some already, Mr. Modern Materialist — I am sure to be sending you a TON of hits courtesy of this post…)

And on that note, I’d like to thank everyone who took the time to send in a question.  As always it was great fun (and meant I basically had to do jack shit to come up with a post and that’s what it’s REALLY all about…)

Before I go, a question for all you technical types out there:  I have a cable box, an old tv that is not hd ready and a new vcr/dvd player (with digital tuner) combo.  Can anyone out there walk me through how to hook that bitch up so I can tape my shows?  I currently have a vcr/dvd player without a digital tuner and it required an AB switch thing to work.  Do I still need that switch thingie if I have a tuner now?  Help!!!  I needs my vcr/dvd thing to work, y’all.  Make those directions concise and simple, folks — you’re dealing with a fucking retard here when it comes to these sort of complexities.  Hell, I still don’t know how to copy and paste on this new computer. 

Sighhhhhhhhhh.