To:  over-rated flash in the pan, Miley Cyrus
From:  the Debbie Gibson preferring Dirk Mancuso

Mind if I pull up a chair at the pity party your camp is throwing for you over the latest “photo scandal” that seems to rock the Hannah Montan empire every week or so?

Now granted I’m not all Hollywood savvy and shit, but maybe – MAYBE — these little crises could be avoided if you quit taking stupid pics of yourself.  Oh, I know it seems all fun and precious and stuff, but trust me when I say that anyone with a lick of common sense will regret until their dying day fucking up an (inexplicably) burdgeoning career just because they felt the need to act out some flirty teenage drama shit.  Don’t believe me?  Give Lindsay Lohan a call.

I actually think those lame-brain pics from your phone are more damaging than that damn Annie Leibovitz photo that had everyone abuzz.  All those people made a stink over a pic they call “racy,” “provactive,” and “overtly sexual” which frankly, if you ask me (and face it, if you want to know what’s racy, provocative, and overtly sexual — ask a gay man) wasn’t any of those things.  It sure as hell wasn’t flattering, either.  And claiming your parents were negligent to allow it to be taken in the first place — whatever.

If they want to talk about child negligence, let’s start that name your folks hung on you:  Miley.  Oh, I’m sure there’s some wonderfully pseudo-touching story about how they arrived at it, but when it’s all said and done it’s still a stupid name.  Yet I don’t hear anyone grousing about that.  That’s because they’re the same hypocrites that hung names like Destiny Rose, MaJayla Latrina, and Cade Rockne on their own crib lizards.  (And I will NOT be shocked when Destiny, MaJayla, and Cade grace a DATELINE SPECIAL: WHEN KIDS KILL THEIR PARENTS.)

Oh, I know the opinions of a 42-year-old gay man is of little interest to a cocky teenage multi-millionairess but trust me when I say I don’t think you’d make the first cut on AMERICAN IDOL.  Or even a callback for the late, lamented PASSIONS.  There are tons of people out there with way more talent than you — you just got lucky. 

Now be grateful and ride the gravy train to the end of the line with a little class.
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To: BIG BROTHER 10’s Alison Arngrim/”Nellie Olsen” looking April
From: the “You’ve got to be kidding me” Dirk Mancuso

Keesha is jealous of you because YOU are prettier than her?

Bwa-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Stop it — you’re killing me.
________

To: whoever cancelled the order for my computer like 30 seconds after someone called to tell me I would have it on or before next Tuesday
From: a very pissed off Dirk Mancuso

You know, a satisfied customer tells 3 people…and an unsatisfied one tells 300.

Or however many people read his blog.
___________

To: my beloved TDtC, TCtI readers
From: Dirk Mancuso

Okay, so it’s on like a bon-bon (or whatever the kids say these days).

September 8th. 

Mailbag Monday.

Send your questions, queeries, comments, and concerns to dirk.mancuso@gmail.com.  Then look for the response, as well as your name (and link to your blog if you have one) to be immortalized on this piece of shit.  All questions will be answered but send them early since I am apparently going to be riding on the good graces of friends to use their computers until mine finally arrives.