To: my compelled to share every personal detail of her life co-worker
From: the not all that inclined to feel sorry for you Dirk Mancuso

I know this is going to make me sound like total dicksmack, but frankly my dear, I don’t give a fuck about you or your piece of shit daughter. I don’t care that you are 6 years sober and teetering on the brink of falling off that very rickety wagon you claim to be on. Being weak isn’t a cause celeb, a reason for a girl scout badge, or all that paticularly interesting. Honestly, what you do when you’re away from work doesn’t concern me in the least. I don’t give a shit if you pickle your liver as long as you’re reasonably sober and able to do your job when you’re here. And as for your smack addicted pregnant daughter — I place the blame squarely on you. You obviously are a pathetic parent as well as an enabler so quit trying to make yourself some sort of fucking heroine for taking the little bitch in. She’s 29 years old — with 3 kids aged 4, 2. and 1. Wake the fuck up already! — the whore knows how she’s getting knocked up.

Oh and another thing — I’ve had it up to fucking HERE with the trash talk about your ex-husband. After spending 5 minutes with your sad, sorry, reeking of the bottle you crawled out of ass I would’ve cheated on you, too. The man deserves a goddamn medal for putting up with you and your fucking drunken shit for as long as he did. And as for “abandoning” that whore daughter of yours — the bitch was 17 when he finally had a belly full of you laying in the gutter and her laying on her back, so give it up. You’re lucky he was dumb enough to stay as long as he did.

And in case you didn’t get the memo, everybody here has problems…and some of them aren’t of their own making like yours. Lynn in accounting? Her breast cancer isn’t a result of her choosing to nurse a bottle of gin every night when she gets home. And Todd in the mail room? His teenage daughter’s trampoline accident that resulted in paralysis from the neck down had nothing to do with her fucking every stray so she could squeeze out a bunch of unruly crib lizards on the taxpayers’ dime instead of getting a job. Yeah, that’s right — I said it.

Now kindly shut the fuck up about the drama in your life.

Thank you.

~ *~ ~*~

To: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
From: the childless but smart enough to give them decent fucking names if he was lucky enough to have offspring Dirk Mancuso

Knox and Vivienne?

Seriously?

What the fuck are you two smoking?