Through a bizarre turn of events (i.e., she applied, I told them she was a miserable drunk, and they hired her anyway), Mama M’s would-be lover, Eve, is now my co-worker.
And in addition to emitting a perpetual stink of booze so strong you can get a contact buzz just from passing her in the hall, it turns out she’s kind of a bitch, too.
According to Diane, whilst I was home watching THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS on my lunch hour yesterday, Eve was in the breakroom asking random folks in her ear piercing inside/outside voice (I’m guessing all the years of brown baggin’ it has resulted in that one “nails on a chalkboard” fish monger’s wife shriek of hers) if I was gay.
After the third group query in as many minutes, Diane told me she stepped up and shut the lush up.
“No, he’s not,” Diane replied, “I’m working my way through every guy in the building and I’ve already fucked him. So bi maybe…but definitely not exclusively gay.”
High five, Diane. And since a bitch totally had my back, for the next 7 days I’m giving you a walk on that whole whorish “dating a married man” thing.
And Eve — I’ma be watchin’ you, heifer.
You get a whole hour off for lunch? Perks. If I worked in your building my Gaydar would be blowing decibels louder than a foghorn. I can’t believe all of your co-workers haven’t figured that out by now. I mean the little Mermaid mouse pad and the Judy Garland lamp on your desk should have been a sign. I can’t hide it for very long because the guys all leer at every large bust they see then turn to me and say, “hey Fu*ker, how come you didn’t ogle those jugs?” Anywho snaps for Diane, now everyone in the building will think they have a chance with you, guys and gals since you are bi-sexual and all. You need a vacation, Dirk, I think IML is coming up soon.
By: Ed on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
at 4:41 pm
I thought that you were out at work! Of course, now you can spread rumors that Eve is a carpet muncher!
Dirk says: …I think it is pretty much a foregone conclusion that I am a big ol’ dick suckin’ ‘mo, but unless you are in the rather finite number of people I associate with outside of work in any capacity, I don’t consider it to be anything I need to share. I go to work to work, not discuss my non-existent sex life.
By: tigeryogiji on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
at 5:44 pm
Hmm…maybe Eve wants you. Wouldn’t that be a kick in the ass?
By: Me on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
at 6:37 pm
One day soon, out of the blue, just yell at her, “You hit on my mom!” That would seriously freak people out. Not because she’s a lesbian but who hits on other people’s moms. That just ain’t right.
By: Sarah on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
at 6:46 pm
Did anybody catch Paula Abdul tonight on American Idol? After the intoxicating and hawt David Cook finished singing Paula said, “you have a great insturment” then I think I heard her murmur, “and you can sing too”.
On Big Brother, Ryan found out what a fool he has been, he trusted Adam who has always been whipped by tears and teats.
By: Ed on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
at 8:29 pm
Oh, my poor dear Dirk…I hate it when my worlds collide that way and one of them is work. And it’s happened before.
Fortunately, the person found something else soon after (and they weren’t in my department any-old-hoo). Maybe she’ll quit soon, too.
Or–maybe you can DRIVE her out. (No, forget it, that’s too mean.)
(No, it’s not.)
By: Aaron on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
at 9:07 pm
I’m sure you are already at work to figure out how to get her back. You just have to keep us posted when you implement your plan.
By: Maddog on Tuesday, April 22, 2008
at 10:32 pm
[...] when things begin to go sour for a person, looking back I’m pretty sure the turning point in Drunk Eve’s life was the morning last August when she marched her nearly 55 year old ass into work [...]
By: When Bad Things Happen to Inebriated People - Part 1: The Saga of the Flipper, the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome Baby That Almost Was « Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore on Wednesday, February 18, 2009
at 12:46 am
[...] “Diane…” [...]
By: When the workplace and your personal life collide – Part 1 « Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore on Tuesday, July 14, 2009
at 6:31 pm