To: everyone who’s left a comment or sent an e-mail
From: the missing you all very much but still kinda fucked up Dirk Mancuso

When I decided to take a break from the blog on Tuesday morning, it didn’t seem like any big deal. It’s just a blog, right? Well, yes and no.

Over the course of the last couple of years, this has gone from being a habit to a daily interaction with a group of people I would never have encountered under normal circumstances. For someone as emotionally closed off and fucked up as myself, that has been a huge deal.

You guys have seen more of the real Dirk than people I interact with on a daily basis and the majority of you — Brooke and her frequent wishes for an early death aside — seem to think I’m not all that bad of a person. 

Another huge deal for me.

The last few days have been incredibly rough for me. I’ve done a lot of thinking (but still not much sleeping) and while I know that pitching everything seems extreme, I have come to the conclusion that more than anything it is symbolic. So many of the things I got rid of were from the time in my life I spent with Gregg and the years of depression after. Keeping them around and looking at them day after day wasn’t a good idea — it just kept me stuck in that limbo of waiting for him to realize I was the one for him after all. Which isn’t ever going to happen. (Trust me — the last time I saw him we had a looooong talk and ultimately I was strong enough to walk away from a chance to knock boots for old times’ sake despite some seemingly genuine tears on his part.)

I think sometimes you finally reach a point where you have to take drastic measures to get on with your life. In retrospect, maybe the great purge of 2008 was pretty drastic but then again maybe it was the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I feel unburdened, freer than I have in years. As cliche as it sounds, I feel like I’m ready to start fresh.

I’ve spent the majority of my life doing things for other people — my mother, my grandmother, Gregg, Michael, DuShawn, Patrice — and while I don’t regret that, ultimately I am feeling very little in residuals. Is that selfish? Probably. (I know, I know — doing something for someone should be its own reward and all that.) But maybe being a little selfish is okay in moderation. I’ll never lose that particular aspect of my personality that drives me to take care of others — I think it’s too ingrained from years of feeling I had to prove I was worth being allowed a place in anyone’s life — but it’s time I turned a little bit of it inward and did something for Dirk.

All this is my way of saying I’m back.

Sort of.

Maybe not daily, but back in some capacity.

I think the biggest thing I realized is that I enjoy blogging, I love writing, and having a place to express myself is more important than I would have ever thought. Being from the “suck it up and quit being such a faggot” school of thought, saying stupid/whiny emotional shit like the above isn’t something I am capable of doing in a verbal capacity all that often, so taking this forum away from myself was no more healthy than keeping around shit from a relationship that died years ago. (But then again, isolating and punishing myself is another of my special talents so go figure…)

Don’t worry, this maudlin claptrap isn’t here to stay — I’m much too shallow for lengthy introspection and I hate pity parties (the buffet is always god-awful, the music sucks, and depressed guys can’t maintain erections long enough to deliver the goods.)

So what I am trying to say here? Let’s recap:

1. I’m a crazy lil sissy bitch who takes an all or nothing approach to everything he does.
2. It’s all about me and always has been — I’m just finally realizing it.
3. Since I’m not into internet porn, Lappy’s purchase will have been in vain if I don’t blog.
4. I just plain miss you guys.

Okay, enough rambling — I have garbage bags to fill.

Have a great weekend everyone.