To: BIG BROTHER 9’s he of the tragic second “H”, Joshuah
From: the alternately horrified and mortified Dirk Mancuso

Josh — can I call you Josh? I can? Good.

Josh, I realize there is bound to be a certain amount of pressure being in that house, having to deal with Sheila and Adam and Natalie and Matty and Matty’s fucking annoying accent (“Pah-kuh’s muh boy! Alex is my bro! I’m wicked hawt!”) but why, why, WHY did you have to join the ranks of BB crybabies last night?

It was a letter from home, Josh, not a draft notice. Seriously, dude — you’re in a beautiful house with a pool and you’re in the running for a half a million dollars. It’s not Iraq or even *shudder* Indiana.

And it’s 3 lousy months…12 measly weeks…90 fucking days. So suck it up and enjoy yourself, already — you’re lucky as hell to be given this opportunity.

Plus, you’re much too pretty to cry.

(Call me.)

__________

To: Melina
From: your disgusted co-worker, Dirk Mancuso

Alekzander Rayne?

Were you drinking the fucking bong water when you named your latest crib lizard?

Jesus H. Christ, Melina — when I saw that look what a stupid fucking name my co-worker hung on her baby announcement this morning, I was tempted to haul ass to the hospital, run my hand up your snatch on the spot — sans glove, even! — tie your tubes myself, and then smack the ever lovin’ shit out of you.

You make me sick, you insipid twat.

__________

To: cocky and arrogant “you know you want a piece of this” co-worker Timmy (Tim-MAY!)
From: the offended not only by your complete lack of work ethic but also by your total lack of creativity Dirk Mancuso

After the miscarriage, your great-great grandfather’s death and subsequent funeral, your 2 car wrecks, that bout with the flu, the time your baby stopped breathing, and that one time when the inch of snow had you trapped in your apartment for two days, I was sorry to hear that your brother-in-law was shot in the head last Thursday night. And the shooting must have been quite a shock coming on the heels of your impromptu wedding…because you weren’t married when you left work. And then to discover on top of that that it wasn’t really a self inflicted wound at all, but actually a questionable shooting with either his baby-momma or one of his poker buddies possibly pulling the trigger. That had to be some serious drama you were going through. And as if that weren’t enough, to then spend all that time in the emergency room only to discover the bullet hadn’t gone through your “brother-in-law”s skull at all, but instead had taken off the bottom of his right earlobe.

Wow. I can’t even imagine the emotional roller-coaster Thursday night must have been for you.

Which is why my heart went out to you even more when you called in this morning with the news that your girlfriend’s brother had been shot in the head again last night and you wouldn’t be in — unless we really needed you to come in.

Which we did.

Because it’s hard to fire someone over the phone.