With the Illinois state-wide ban on public smoking taking effect yesterday, many of the workplace smokers are up in arms today. “Where will we go to get our nicotine groove on?” they cried, donning coats and caps and mittens to dash out to their vehicles, braving the cold weather (a brisk 1 degree/-21 wind chill this morning) to suck on a cancer stick. Now lest any of you be concerned for the likes of OCD Joe, Janet, and Kuh-RITH-dee, worry not — this story has a hero.
And that hero’s name is Randy.
Yes, the branch manager donned his thinking cap over the holidays and came up with what he believes to be the perfect solution. In fact, he not only called it “perfect,” he also referred to it as being “brilliant” and “so obvious he can’t believe no one else has thought of it.”
Bearing in mind that a permanent structure could not be built for the smokers, Randy utilized his much crowed about “thinking outside the box” and seized upon said “perfect” solution: a school bus.
That’s right — a school bus.
Randy has decided to buy an old school bus and replace every other row of seats with tables, thereby creating a safe and comfortable enclosed smoking environment. And best of all, “we can move it around the parking lot so it’s not a permanent structure!”
It’s almost like that whole Planet of the Apes/”when monkeys ruled the earth” thing is becoming a reality.
More as this develops…
Brilliant! Ha ha ha.
By: saintseester on Wednesday, January 2, 2008
at 12:55 pm
As we pass a group of people huddles outside the door of a large corporate headquarters we take pity on the homeless victims of society only to hear someone say,” Those aren’t homeless people those are smokers.” Still, that is a sad state of affairs as well.
An old bus out in the parking lot hmmm how could anybody object to that? Perhaps they’ll take up a collection to buy fuel and keep the engine running during lunch and break times. Those Diesel fumes might cause cancer so tell them to be careful.
It makes me feel bitter somehow to see women lined up for food stamps holding a child and puffing on cigarettes. It is so unfair for the Government to take away smoking privileges. We must wear a seat belt and now we find it difficult to get cancer from smoking. What is next? Will they say we can’t fry our livers with Alcohol?
By: Ed on Wednesday, January 2, 2008
at 1:18 pm
Ed, they tried telling us back in 1920 we couldn’t fry our livers with alcohol. It didn’t work.
Using an old school bus as a smoking sanctuary is a truly brilliant idea! Can I drive it around the parking lot? I think school buses can be used for all manner of interesting things. I want one in my back yard. I want one retro-fitted as an RV. Superman thinks I’m crazy. Perhaps I have spent too much time on the school bus and should start looking for a new job.
By: Java on Wednesday, January 2, 2008
at 2:02 pm
It’s pretty intelligent of lawmakers to levy heavy taxes on cigarettes (which they’ll miss when people quit, and then they’ll bitch about THAT), and set this sure-fire conflict up between smokers and non-smokers so we bicker amongst ourselves and ignore the bigger problems. Government’s been doing that for years, to tremendous success.
People who are otherwise great friends will fall out over this smoking thing, believe me. And I’ll gladly go outside until I’m ready to quit, but every time one of my cleaner-than-thou friends lectures me about the dangers of smoking, I have to remind them that everyone dies someday, and frankly, if living longer means more time surrounded by them, I’ll take the shorter way out…
By: Aaron on Wednesday, January 2, 2008
at 5:00 pm
I’m in southern Illinois, where today’s high was a balmy 19 degrees. It was just too damned cold to be outside, so I went over 6 hours without smoking! Actually the new law was already law where I work, but I’m thinking positive here. It was POSITIVELY too freakin’ cold to go outside today—-even to smoke!
By: catrina on Wednesday, January 2, 2008
at 5:18 pm
A couple of years ago my place of employ banned smokers to the Great Outdoors, then promptly shelled out thousands and thousands to erect what amount to fancy bus stop shelters for the smokers to gather in.
Perhaps Randy’s bus could journey around our lot, picking up and discharging smokers.
By: Lemuel on Wednesday, January 2, 2008
at 6:59 pm
I wonder how long it will take for the windows to get so stained with nicotine as to be completely yellowed out…Ack!
By: tigeryogiji on Wednesday, January 2, 2008
at 7:05 pm
There are several good reasons why I moved to Europe, America’s obsession with micromanaging its citizens lives only one of them.
Now the French have taken up the practice. http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/europe/01/02/france.smoking.ap/index.html
It just makes my ass hurt to think that we (as Americans) have done something so rude that the French have decided to emulate it.
By: Blogger on Thursday, January 3, 2008
at 12:24 am
I’m not a smoker, so I don’t know what it’s like to need that “fix”. But you can bet your sweet ass, I’d not stand out in the cold to get it. It’s a lovely 5 degrees here in GA!
Some counties here have banned public smoking, but many of the bars are willing to pay the fine to have a “smoking section.”
By: Jer on Thursday, January 3, 2008
at 7:48 am
Maybe he got thrown off a school bus as a child for smoking in the back and he is somehow replaying his childhood trauma as a sort of bizarre therapy, dragging innocent smokers along for the bad trip.
Or maybe he just fell off the bus.
By: josh on Thursday, January 3, 2008
at 9:12 pm
He is soooo fucking stupid. What short bus did he get run over by?
By: Professor on Friday, January 4, 2008
at 9:49 pm
[...] Monday, Randy’s replacement , Clint, arrived all 50-something and folliclely challenged with an obvious [...]
By: Something in the way he moves, worries me like no other « Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore on Friday, October 10, 2008
at 9:21 am