A recent addition to the work crew is Tandy. All of 19, Tandy is a high school dropout — a move necessitated by a need to be available whenever her now ex-boyfriend Gregg wanted to hang out — who has spent her first few months here frothing at the mouth about her desire to have a baby. Enter computer geek and wannabe gangsta, Eric — a whiter white boy than a certain Mr. Mancuso.

Of course it was love at first sight.

The fact that Eric was 31, already had an 11 week marriage and subsequent divorce under his belt (they met online, lived 7 hours apart, and exchanged “I do”s after a month — during which time neither one ever broached the subject that someone would have to move — both refused) and a son by another woman (whom he met at karaoke when he performed, by all who witnessed it, the single worst cover at Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”) were mere triflin’ nothings to Tandy. She’d met the bling-ed out man of her dreams and was ready to start a family.

So they tried and they tried and they tried a little more…the details of which have been shared in excruciating detail on various breaks by Tandy (in case any of you ladies were wondering, putting a bunch of pillows under your ass and your ankles on your man’s shoulders while he bangs you is no guarantee his swimmers will make it to the finish line — nope, not even if you keep your legs in the air and touch yourself for a half hour after he pulls his shrivelled man member out of you). And even though Eric tried really hard not to get his hopes up, she could tell he was disappointed each time her “monthly visitor” paid a visit. I’m guessing his ability to perform might’ve been impeded by “a buck five soaking wet” Eric’s concerns that the quarter ton mother of his son, Lesane Parish (named after Eric’s idol, the late Tupac Shakur) might clean his clock if she caught him banging a girl who still uses Bonnie Bell lip gloss and wears ponytails off the side of her head, but that’s just me.

Then, as this holy season of love and peace was ushered in, a miracle occurred. Tandy missed her period. Of course, she wasted no time coming to work and sharing it with me yesterday.

“I’m going to have a baby, Dirk! I missed my time again this month so Eric and I got a pregnancy test and I peed on the stick this morning and we got 2 lines! I know I’m pregnant, but I’m going to the health department after work to get tested for sure. And Eric says I can sign up for assistance while I’m there to cut down on my medical bills. Plus, single moms can get help with food and stuff. I’m so excited and I know Eric is too, because I heard him tell his friends he was going to be a dad again.”

“Are you two going to get married?”

“Yep — in 2 years. After I get my figure back. I’ve already got my wedding dress — it’s SO pretty — I put $59 dollars down so I only owe $108 and then it’s paid off. I got it uptown — not at Peggy’s, but the other dress store? — and the lady there was so nice…she kept telling me how pretty I looked and I know she meant it because her smile was really real, you know?”

Mother of God.

“And the best part is if we wait 2 years, then Eric’s son can be our ring bearer and our daughter will be old enough to be the flower girl and I can ask some of the girls here to be my bridesmaids and I won’t have to go to my mom for anything, you know?”

“That just sounds all kinds of pretty damn wonderful, Tandy. But I have to ask…how do you know you’re having a girl?”

“I just know.”

First Melina, now Tandy.

Apparently you have to be functionally retarded to get some cock in these parts.