The week kicks off with Victor and Nikki still arguing about whether to have the doctors deliver Victoria’s baby, even though the child may not be viable at 23 weeks. The hospital mediator throws her hands up and the case is handed over to a judge to render a decision. Victor is served papers, but Nikki decides to hide out so that she cannot be served, thereby buying her unborn grandson a little more time. The former stripper’s master plan turns out to be nothing more than hiding out in her office at Newman Enterprises, channeling Hillary Clinton:

Victor finds her in like 2 seconds (okay, after the commercial break) and tells her to get her ass in gear and save their daughter. Enter Botox Brad who announces he has petitioned the court to name him as guardian for the fetus. What the fuck ever. I’m sure the judge will totally listen to the man that Victoria divorced after he slept with her sister-in-law.

Gloria is ecstatic about an editorial calling for the Senate ethics committee to investigate newly elected Senator Jack Abbott. She writes a series of concerned citizen letters to stir the pot and help turn public opinion against her step-son. She later suggests that Kevin get a real girlfriend — you know, the kind not serving a life sentence for murder. Kevin explodes and asks “do I need to remind you that you are a killer too, mother?” “That was different,” Gloria replies. It always is, Glo — it always is.

Poorly conceived and much hated peripheral character, Jana is at the hospital for a CT-scan to see if her murder inducing brain tumor is growing back and runs in to Phyllis. She asks Phyllis to be her maid of honor if the tumor is back (since that is the only way she will accept Kevin’s proposal). Phyllis gives her the stink face:

Three entire episodes are wasted on that stupid fucking court battle to decide who will be Victoria’s guardian, then Nick calls and says she’s getting worse (which is what the super sexy Dr. Webb has been saying for weeks) and suddenly everyone agrees to let the doctors take the baby. Way to spin your wheels, headwriter Lynn Latham.

Kevin tracks down Todd Scheller, the son of John Abbott’s former cellmate in prison. While he can’t tell them where his father went after he was paroled, he does tell them that his father left behind some papers, including a letter addressed to “my beloved Gloria.” When he says the envelope was not his father’s handwriting, Gloria chews scenery like a fucking termite as she asks him to look for it since it may be written by her second deceased husband John and prove that Jack forced his father to sign the new will disinheriting Gloria.

Lily is a beautiful girl, but has the pluck and personality of small curd cottage cheese. And pairing her with short bus riding Cane is about as exciting as watching Doppler Radar. There’s no chemistry between the actors and their awkwardness together translates into a sort of special needs play date:

To make matters worse, horribly miscast district attorney Heather Stevens is interested in Cane, while at the same time “creating sparks” — at least that’s what I am assuming the scripts say — with Lily’s porn addicted ex, Daniel which in theory will provide roadblocks in Cane and Lily’s “hot” romance. The only problem is that Daniel and Heather have even less chemistry than Dumb and Dumber.

Victoria’s baby is delivered, leading fiancee J.T. to exhibit some of the most embarrassing “man crying” I’ve seen on a soap in quite a while. Allow me to present people’s exhibits A and B:

Back at the hospital, Heather — why is she there? — tells Phyllis that the D.A.’s office is retrying her case but that if Phyllis pleads guilty to a lesser charge, she will recommend time served with a reasonable probation period. Kevin — why is he there? — runs into poorly conceived and much hated peripheral character, Jana and says since she is there, they should get their blood test. You know, because prisoners can just order up some extra procedures while they wait to see if their murder inducing brain tumors are back…what’s another test or two courtesy of the taxpayers? That aside, butter my ass and call it a biscuit — Kevin is adorable:

When Jill launches a contest to find the Fresh Faces of Jabot, Amber decides to reinvent herself and win the contest. The squeaky voiced blonde puts on a red wig and talks in a low, slow voice…and totally manages to fool Cane. You know — Cane…her ex-husband.

She later bumps into Lily, who thinks there might be something familiar about her. You know — Amber…Lily’s former friend/co-worker and the woman who sent Lily’s ex-husband the nude photos of herself that led to Daniel’s porn addiction which in turn led to Lily’s divorce. When Amber drops her trademark rhinestone cell-phone, Lily says “hey, is that Amber’s phone?” but still doesn’t put 2 and 2 together. How am I supposed to root for 2 people so fucking stupid that they can’t recognize someone with a wig on?

Jack’s campaign manager, Ben, tells Jack he has obtained tapes from Ji-Min Kim’s family proving that Victor was blackmailing Mr. Kim into exposing Jack’s acquisition of Jabot and threatening him if he didn’t go public. Sharon urges Jack not to make the tapes public with Victoria in the hospital. Jack later tells Ben to turn the tapes over to the police.

Speaking of Sharon, last week’s big loser in the fashion sweepstakes managed to recover a bit from last week’s tragic misstep. Apparently having spent the Thanksgiving holidays watching old Audrey Hepburn movies, the senator’s wife opted for a simple black dress and pearls…and then did her hair blindfolded:

Gloria goes on a date with her third dead husband’s identical twin brother, Jeffrey and attempts to plant a seed that Jill may be the one responsible for the tainted face cream, in the hopes that suspicion will be thrown from her. Jeffrey is suspicious, all right — he goes right to Jill and asks what she knows about Gloria.

Victoria remains in a coma but no one is sure why. My guess is because she’s a recast and we’ve never warmed up to her so who fucking cares. It’s either that or the fact the actress is on maternity leave. Six or one, half dozen of the other.

Since there is no police station set and no other cops on the show for her to discuss the case with, detective Maggie Sullivan listens to the tapes at the coffee house.

Maggie tells her private investigator boyfriend Paul that the dog hair found on Ji-Min Kim’s body are a closer match to Victor’s dog Zapada than Jack’s dog and that, combined with the tapes, may be enough to convince the D.A. to give her a search warrant for Victor’s home and office…