If you’re a regular reader, you probably know that the 2 people most instrumental in the creation and evolution of this blog are Paul (who guest posted Wednesday) and today’s guest blogger, Laurie of BELLE ET LA BREWSKI (formerly known as Beauty and the Beer). What can I say about Laurie that hasn’t already been said on the stalls of mens rooms across this great country of ours? I could tell you that she drinks more than the Bush twins at Happy Hour or that she possesses the uncanny ability to work “fuck” into damn near every sentence that passes her dainty rosebud lips, but that would bely the amazing heart and singular voice that is hers. Suffice it to say that I am honored to have her here today (which is really the least she could do since I guest posted for her last year…) and I really think she may have outdone herself with this entry in the much loved “Shank Tuesday” series. Take it away, Laurie…

Hi everybody!!!! It’s Elle, from Beauty and the Beer!!!! I don’t give a shit if you don’t know me but I totally want you to like me because I’m needy like that. I know I’m in NEW territory but I’m here because Dirk cried and stuff and it was really heartwarming so I said, “OF COURSE, SUGAR!! I will TOTALLY guest post for my MAN!”. Try not to be jealous of our love. It’s hard…I know.

I’d like to give a shout out to Ed…..Kickin’ rocks, deuces, bitch!

Since this is a special occasion, I thought I would pull out one of my secret “things”…..The Shankings of Yore. It’s been awhile…I might be a little rusty…I suck….I know…..but in my mind, I rock serious socks and city blocks! Let’s do this!!!

Patient Who Threw Up on My Arm Last Week – Dear Asshat….I looked at you when you walked in and one whiff later, I realized you were drunk off your ever lovin’ ass. Great. I put you on the special “INCLINE TABLE” and started my “testing”. If it weren’t bad enough that the smell of your crotch put my senses on meltdown, I had to stare on your jacked up fucking toenails as well. I hate you. About five minutes into your exam, I saw the tell tale look of “I’m about to blow chunks all over this bitch” written all over your face and before I could get out of the way in a timely manner, you unleashed the contents of your liquor ridden stomach all over my fucking arm!!!! That’s right. You threw the fuck up….on me. Before I could get a “AW HELLS NO” out of my mouth, the contents of MY FUCKING stomach made their way up into my throat and my barely chewed Egg McFuckingMuffin splattered all over your FUCKING LEG!!!! There are no words to describe my deep seeded hatred for you at that particular moment in time. None. Then you had the GOD DAMN NERVE to break BAD with me?????? FUCK YOU!! You were muttering, “Oh man….oh….oh…you threw up on me” and I looked you straight in your yellow eyes and whispered, “You threw up on me first, SIR” and you shook your head from side to side, denying the evidence that was CLEARLY smeared on my cute little right arm. I don’t know what you ATE, but I’d re-think my fucking food intake, if I were you. I think I saw a dead lizard, some half chewed biscuit and a pair of pliers!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU! I wanted to jump on that fucking table, wrap my cute little French tips around your scraggly throat and choke the fucking LIFE out of you!!!!!!!! Here’s a thought….if you suck down a combination of Vodka and orange juice right before you go to your testing appointment, it might be a good idea to bring a sword because the next time I see your fucking face up in my place of employment, I am going to smite your drunk, piss smelling, slobbery, stank dick havin’, crusty toenail motherfucking ASS with a fucking Sharpie!!! Die in a fire. Fucker.

Bleeding From the Crotchital Area Bitch – Dear Construction Worker Lady…..I know you’ve had a rough day. I, myself, work like a fucking dog on a daily basis. They don’t PAY me enough to deal with the shit I see day in and day fucking out. I get it. But…when I tell you to change into a gown, leave on the panties (because no one need be witness to a couple of trapped kittens in your underwear that you are trying to pass off as a “vagina”…but I digress) and I’ll be “right back”….please….for the LOVE of our Lord and Savior who died on a cross for our fucking sins….could you PLEASE refuckingschedule if it LOOKS like you’ve been stabbed in your pussy with a rusty knife???? I would greatly appreciate it. When I walked back into the exam room, cute as fucking EVER, I might add, and was bombarded by the smell of dirty copper and snatch, I wanted to throw my hands in the air and say “I QUIT THIS BITCH” and take my ass to Hardee’s and work the drive thru. I am NOT fucking kidding, you NASTY ass fucking bleeding in your underwear BITCH!!! GOD! Women are fucking SKANKS!!!!! Who doesn’t KNOW that they have started their CYCLE??????????? WHO?????? You, you fucking triflin’ whore. When you climbed onto the table and I saw the fucked up abortion on your panties, I wanted to bust you out in front of God and all of his HOLY CHILDREN!!!!! But no…..I swallowed some puke and performed the FASTEST exam in the HISTORY of exams!!!!! Couple the rotten snatch with the dirt that was on my transducer??? Yeah….I fucking HATE YOU!!!!!! Who comes to the doctor lookin’ like they just rolled themselves in a fucking PIG PEN?????? You. Whore. The best and yet most disconcerting part of this whole ordeal was the fact that your HUSBAND was sitting in the corner reading a fucking copy of HOME and GARDEN and he wasn’t even FLINCHING!!!! While I dry heaved as I had my gloved hand in your Satan Crotch, he was whistling “The Sun’ll Come Out….TOMORROW” from fucking Annie or some shit and I wanted to SCREAM, “DON’T YOU SMELL THIS BITCH????” but I couldn’t because everytime I opened my pretty mouth, I gagged to the point where my eyes watered and I was burping up stomach bile!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!! I. Fucking. Hate. You. When I finished, I left the room, closed the door, grabbed my own well lasered vagina in my little hands to hold the pee in that was making its way out because I was DRY HEAVING IN THE HALLWAY!!!!!! After you got dressed and left…guess who was left to clean up THAT shit?????? You got it. Me. I made someone help me and they had to leave the ROOM because all we smelled was trout and death. Thanks for making my day come to a complete and utter standstill because I couldn’t have another patient in there for 20 minutes because I was AIRING that motherfucker out. Oh….and you’re fucking ugly too. Bitch.

I love my job.

Redneck Bar Guys with No Teeth – No….I will NOT dance with you. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not fucking ever. I’m here to sing karaoke because I fucking rock the hell outta that shit. Poof. Be gone. Go “Joe Dirt” someone else.

Well, I know I’ve probably made SOMEONE sick. I don’t give a shit, really, because I have to see that fucked up BULLSHIT on a daily basis and I want someone ELSE to feel my fucking PAIN!!!!!!!

Sorry, Dirk. I totally white trashed your home. Forgive? Oh…and I took those vinyl couch covers off your shit. Do you KNOW how WONDERFUL cool leather feels on a naked ass????? Well…trust…it does.

Oh…and sorry about the beer cans.

Aaaaaaaaand….was I supposed to feed the cat? I don’t remember. Let me know.

Random Thought of the Day: I LOVE DRUNK ELLE!!!

Much Love, bitches.