When you live in a small town, there are always eccentrics. They’re the folks everyone knows by sight, the individuals everyone has a story about. One of our most well known was a woman named Della.

Perpetually clad in overalls and a field coat no matter the season, she was the woman that sane parents used as a threat when children misbehaved — “If you don’t straighten up and fly right, Della will get in you in your sleep.” (No Whistler for those lucky kids.) This threat seemed to hold real weight since she lived alone in her ramshackle three story family home on the edge of town where it was rumored she abused her elderly parents until they died. And then there was the fact she shot stray cats with a shotgun if they got on her property.

Even more frightening — or fascinating, depending on who you were — was the fact Della was also in possession of a nasty case of Tourette’s.

“Go to hell, you son-of-a-whore!” and “Lick my pussy!” she would randomly scream to anyone — or no one — in her vicinity, her left eye winking repeatedly.

Added together, all of this — plus the fact she was just surly and uncooperative in general — made her a singularly unpleasant individual most people avoided. But none of this was what made her an icon to me.

It was the bicycle.

Della rode this tricked out bike that looked like the one from PEE WEE’S BIG ADVENTURE.

Only a mere bicycle wasn’t enough for Della — on no! She had that bitch jazzed up with handlebar streamers, horn, a headlight, a bike flag (!), and, the accoutrement which made everyone stop and look whenever she rode by, playing cards attached to the spokes with clothespins. Classic.

One day, Mia’s sister Candy was giving us a ride home from school when Della came rolling out in front of the car, jabbering a mile a minute to some invisible enemy. Candy slammed on the brakes. Della turned, flipped us off, and continued rolling along.

“Crazy old bitch!” Mia screamed.

And Candy, God bless her blond hair-dressing soul, turned to her sister and said: “Mia, don’t call her names. I heard at the shop she was born without a heart.”