So there I was in the produce section, searching for fruits and vegetables that met my stringent standards, when she spoke.
“Do you think that shirt is funny?”
It took me a moment to realize she was talking to me.
“Say again?” I replied, eyebrows raised.
“Your shirt — you should be arrested for wearing that in public.”
People’s Exhibits A and B of said “offensive” t-shirt:
I turned and looked her up and down. 5′8, 270 (perhaps a bit conservative), dried out platinum blond hair teased into a cotton candy froth in an attempt to conceal her rapidly accelerating alopecia, nails chewed to the quick, tits that looked pancake batter slowly dripping into a hot skillet, and a vociferous rhinoceros ass packed into capri stretch pants which also accentuated her hideous camel toe.
I know she di’INT.
“You think it’s funny to degrade our president like that? People like you are why there was 9/11.”
“Last time I checked it was still somewhat a free country, ma’am…which is why I didn’t call you out on that fugly garb you are wearing,” I replied, trying desperately to keep my eyes from roaming back to the sagging labial folds outlined in black synthetic stretch fabric.
She glared at me, her pea sized brain feverishly trying to formulate a comeback, but in the end, the best she could summon up was “faggot,” as she turned and began shambling off.
“Stupid bitch,” I muttered.
“What did you say?” She whirled around so quick, I took a step back.
I sized her up, did the math, and liked my odds. She may have had hearing to rival Lassie, but I could easily outrun her.
“You said ‘faggot’ so I said ’stupid bitch’ — I thought it was the name game.”
Her tiny, over made-up eyes narrowed and her thin lips curled into a sneer. “Fuck. You.”
“Not for all the oil in Iraq,” I smiled and scurried off before I got my clock cleaned by the hash slinging truckstop T-rex in blue eyeshadow.
_____________________
Just a reminder, Mailbag Monday is one week from today. Send your questions and comments to dirk.mancuso@gmail.com and remember to include Mailbag Monday in the subject line. This offer for a limited time only. No representatives will call on you. Operators are standing by.
This totally reminds me of a time I got into a screaming match with this woman in the middle of the street. She almost hit me while I was crossing and I called her a bitch. She hit her brakes and flew out of her car at me.
We yelled at each other until the sun went down. It was so much fun!
By: Dr. Sparky on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 1:49 am
I didn’t even realize that was supposed to be Big W till you mentioned it. Yes lady, people that wear funny tshirts are the ones that bombed the WTC… Actually I’ve gone over to the side that believes the people on your tshirt were responsible for 9/11 – and it wasn’t because they were kissing.
By: Robguy on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 4:30 am
Where can I get the shirt?
By: Dennis on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 5:11 am
Yeah. You guys are just so damn loving that you decided to make your country bond together by killing how many people?
Yeah. She’s got good logic there. Absolutely flawless.
By: Phishez on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 7:29 am
Oh, I LOVE your final comeback!!
Isn’t it interesting how it’s ok for her to call you faggot, but not for you to call her bitch.
By: Lemuel on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 9:56 am
You could have out ran her. OMFG! That would have been so funny. A more accurate picture would be one with Bushie kissing Chaney’s Ass.
Just when might we expect one of the stories we voted on so many days ago?
By: Ed on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 10:31 am
The whole camel toe imagery was too much dirk! You’re my hero.
By: tornwordo on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 11:12 am
You are my hero!
By: Johnny C on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 11:42 am
Frankly, you’re more patient than I am. I would have picked her up and dropped her, head-first, into the produce bin. There would have been no trace of her except for her run-down Payless Shoes and a somewhat rank smell, coming, no doubt, from somewhere else.
By: Aaron on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 12:32 pm
I’ve been living out of the country for a while now so maybe things have changed but let’s see if I can get this straight; You cannot wear the satirical t-shirt of your choice because she finds it offensive yet she can call a stranger a very rude name and accuse them of terrorism. When was the right to speech amended to only protect morons with such little self awareness that they pack their wide asses into unflattering capri pants? Also, did this amendment include the appointment of this pinhead as Minister of Unprotected Thought, Satire and Expression? Shit like this makes me rethink my deisre to come home.
By: Sarah on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 12:51 pm
I think that woman is a former client… We got into a shouting / name calling match in my office once. It wasn’t one of my finer moments but it sure did feel good…
Good for you for coming back at her. I agree you could have out ran her.
By: Mike on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 1:40 pm
OK, where do I find that shirt.
And further, there needs to be something done with the plethora of people who stumble around with their fucking Dale Earnhart/Billy Ray Cyrus/Favorite TNA Wrestler faded black t-shirts on. With the hole in the back from when their half breed mutt tried to mount them and caught their dew claw in the shoulder/armpit seam. And now their pasty white back fat is exposed. Mm Hmm. You should have smacked her. You are far too kind.
By: Shonda on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 2:08 pm
Let’s see…
A t-shirt w/a political statement about 2 men who love each other so much, that they lie, cheat and steal in the name of 9/11 vs. a person who thinks showing off her camel toe is a better statement.
I think I would pick the t-shirt (and the man who owns it) every time!
Isn’t it amazing how neocon fundies have to resort to bigoted name calling to express their views rather than share points of view in an open and accepting conversation?
K
By: Kevin on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 2:59 pm
Fortunately, these fundies are easy to spot by their disastrous fashion choices. It’ll make it easier to cull their herd later on…:-)
By: Aaron on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 3:55 pm
all you have to do with a female (Can’t say lady) like that is punch her back fat.
By: eric on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 4:18 pm
That little incident totally makes me want to buy that shirt and wear it here around Stepford, 24/7.
Lemuel brings up a good point: why do so many people seem to think it is more “acceptable” to call someone a “faggot” than a ” stupid bitch?” And why do all these so-called Christian types always seem to forget the Golden Rule?
If I think too often about the fact that I have to share this planet with people like that woman, I get mightily depressed.
By: Mad Queen Bess on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 7:38 pm
I agree. That shirt is disgusting.
The colors are clearly all wrong for your complexion.
By: Kevin on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 8:37 pm
Oh Jesus- what a bitch. Kick her ass.
By: Professor on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 9:30 pm
sigh… my hero!
By: Keith on Monday, March 26, 2007
at 9:51 pm
Oh, gawd.
These people make me SO mad…I’d do the same you did, but ya know, ultimately….what’s the USE???
It’s sort of a lose-lose situation. Her bigotry and smallmindedness (!!!) is reinforced by your comeback, and you were (justifiably) angry because she was extremely rude.
And yet….and yet….
This is the kind of thing that makes my blood boil, and echoes of Stonewall reverberate in my soul (even though I was only 15 at the time, and not THERE).
Everyone’s gotten so thin-skinned. And on the flip-side, so painfully Politically Correct.
By: Cameron on Tuesday, March 27, 2007
at 1:19 am
I’m VERY proud of you.
1 – for buying and wearing the shirt.
2. For sticking it to Fugly.
Smooches.
By: jali on Tuesday, March 27, 2007
at 2:41 pm
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. So good in fact that I’m re-posting this on my blog, if you don’t mind.
I’m going to have to remember that line about “tits that looked like pancake batter slowly dripping…”…good stuff!
By: Christopher on Tuesday, March 27, 2007
at 7:18 pm
Terrific story indeed! Brings a devilish smile to my face.
By: WAT on Tuesday, March 27, 2007
at 7:46 pm
Rock on….My Partner and I have both had run ins with people just like this… Sometimes you need to tell a person off and rip them a new one…
By: Errol on Tuesday, March 27, 2007
at 9:39 pm
This post makes me happy and sad at the same time. I had to laugh at the double entendre of “perhaps a bit conservative”.
By: josh on Tuesday, March 27, 2007
at 11:30 pm