Last night I awoke to my phone ringing at 10:38pm. It was Mia. About 10 minutes into the conversation, I was wide awake and knew two things: 1) she was on some strong shit, and 2) there was pure blogging gold to be mined. So, being the resourceful faggot that I am, I put her ass on speaker phone, grabbed the laptop, and began transcribing. The following is all Mia. Trust me, I could NOT make this shit up. We now join the conversation already in progress…
MIA: That McGreevey guy is going to marry his boyfriend.
DIRK: I have his book.
MIA: Is it good?
DIRK: I haven’t started it yet.
MIA: Is he a republican?
DIRK: I believe he is…
MIA: I bet he has a small dick. Republicans usually do. Do you have a big cock?
DIRK: I’m not discussing that with you.
MIA: Do you watch LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD?
DIRK: I’ve seen it a couple of times.
MIA: Do you like midgets?
DIRK: I’ve never thought about it. They’re fine I would suppose…
MIA: Too small for you? Do you think the LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD mom is a bitch?
DIRK: ***laughs***
MIA: You do. I can hear it in your voice.
DIRK: What are you on?
MIA: Wow. Jody Foster really irritates me. She is so full of herself. She’s a lousy actress.
DIRK: I like her.
MIA: I’m sorry. Oh! I want to ask you this: I get calls on my phone and it says out of area and has no phone number and everytime I pick up and say hello, they hang up. If I pick and don’t say hello, they hang out with me for a while. Do you think it’s someone from my past?
DIRK: I have no idea.
MIA: Think about it. It’s someone I know, isn’t it? Do you think someone is out to get me?
DIRK: Well, you can be unpleasant.
MIA: I can. Can I find you a man?
DIRK: No.
MIA: Please?
DIRK: No.
MIA: I really want to. You know I come across smart to some people, but it’s all an act. I’m not smart, and yet most people think I am suited for something better. Something that pays more than $6.75 an hour. The good news is that minimum wage is going up. But so is the cost of living, so I’m kind of fucked here. Help me out. Switching gears here…I was going to detox today and drink a concoction — I have waaaaaay to much sugar in my system, but then someone had a birthday at work today and I had to indulge.
DIRK: Concoction?
MIA: Yeah…lemon juice, cayenne pepper and molasses. You know who lost 10 pounds doing that? Sean.
DIRK: Sean?
MIA: Sean was in the LORD OF THE RINGS films and he lost 10 pounds in 10 days.
DIRK: Sean Astin. Do you know Sean?
MIA: He was on the news the other day. He lost 10 pounds of fecal matter, but who cares? I’ve been doing this off and on for years.
DIRK: Okay.
MIA: Cayenne pepper is good for the balls. You should use it. Plus it actually cleans the blood.
DIRK: Gotcha.
MIA: Torwaddo…Tornado…that guy who comments on your blog…you know who I’m talking about?
DIRK: Tornwordo.
MIA: Yes! He is adorable. Do you think there is any way I could convince him to go out with me?
DIRK: If he talked to you for more than 30 seconds, no. Plus, he lives in Canada and he is happily partnered.
MIA: Okay. ***sighs*** Are you coming to visit? If you came to visit, I could not show you a good time. I have a Cal king.
DIRK: Cal king?
MIA: Yeah, a California king…it’s bigger than a king. There’s actually a bed bigger than that but it’s not in California.
DIRK: ***laughs***
MIA: I have to find a new daytime job that pays more because she is selling the place.
DIRK: She?
MIA: The owner, Dirk. In life the only people who are allowed to sell anything are the owners otherwise it’s unlawful. I learned that from the lawyer I work with. Are you typing? You are, aren’t you? I can hear it. Oh shit, don’t put this in the blog. Or at least don’t use my real name. Call me Daphne. Your readers love me and this might make me sound dumb…
DIRK: ***laughs***
MIA: Oh please…and don’t mention the LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD stuff. I love those people. It’s such a great show, please don’t. They deserve a peace filled life and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
DIRK: Like they would read my blog.
MIA: Please, Dirk! I don’t want to sound trashy or like a bitch or anything. Especially about the mom, because honestly I’m sure she’s a very nice person.
DIRK: Mia, I need to get some sleep so I am hanging up now.
MIA: Okay. Dirk?
DIRK: Yes?
MIA: Please don’t mention LITTLE PEOPLE, BIG WORLD on your blog. But if you do, make sure they are portrayed in a good light. I don’t want to offend anybody. I’m serious.
DIRK: Good night, Mia.
Weeeee I’m first!
The funniest thing about people who are high, is they think they can fool you and deny, even passively, that they are high.
I was grinding my teeth just reading that.
*bleh* bad memories!
I can’t wait to read your entries each day, Dirk!
By: Suzanne on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 10:20 am
She’s right about Tornwordo: he IS cute. But I will never drink lemon juice, cayenne pepper and molasses together.
And I can never look at Sean Astin the same way again. Gee, thanks Mia!
By: Aaron on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 10:28 am
Just how did you meet this Wacko! I know you were her guest a while back and remember that her hospitality was beyond gracious but what the hell makes her think we like her? Sean Astin is cute but I doubt he lost weight drinking that witch’s brew she described. Could you imagine what kind of guy she would find for you? Scary! Tornwordo thinks he’s got probems now,just sic Mia on him. Please don’t tell her he has an apartment to rent. still I hope she calls back soon, LMFAO!!!!
By: Ed on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 11:40 am
wow!!! Well I agree with her on one thing, that Tornwordo is one adorable guy.
Otherwise….wow, what the hell was she on??
By: The Persian on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 11:44 am
Oh wow! Yikes and Wow!
Poor *Daphne*…lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and molasses. Nah…but I’ll take some molasses on a butter biscuit yum!
Tornwado is a cutie, but so is that Persian Guy…and if I type this fast enough, he’ll be right on top of me!
Have a great weekend Dirk.
By: "W" on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 12:21 pm
suzanne: if you were grinding your teeth reading it, imagine being woke up and subjected to it for a half hour.
aaron: she swears it is a great way to shed the pounds. As for the hobbit, I don’t know…he’s really kind of cute.
ed: Mia and I grew up together. Hmmmmmmmmm, there are some stories there… As for why she thinks you guys like her…well, there were a lot of comments on the two posts about her, so she naturally put 2 and 2 together and got nectarine.
the persian: she swears it was a sugar high.
“W”: and if I type fast enough, you’ll be between the persian and me.
By: dirk.mancuso on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 12:51 pm
I have to say, I enjoyed the comments as much as Mia today.
I have to admit, I didn’t have a high opinion of Mia before but after this post it did go up. She sounded normal, albiet a bit flying high, but still normal.
Very amusing, thanks for thinking quickly and grabbing Lappy.
By: Katrina on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 12:51 pm
I think this post is going to make me think twice about ever drunk dialing you. Or maybe I should just pass the word on to Trout.
Something to take note of in my Official Dirk Mancuso Notebook.
By: Kathryn on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 1:30 pm
“there were a lot of comments on the two posts about her, so she naturally put 2 and 2 together and got nectarine.”
Because, apparently, she didn’t READ the comments…
By: Aaron on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 1:31 pm
It was only 8:38 p.m. in California. Mia thought it was the same everywhere after all as California goes so goes the country. I rode the bus to school every day with a guy that turned out to be a serial killer but we haven’t remained friends. I don’t see why Mia thinks you two have a lot in common. It was both sad and funny that Mia didn’t realize Tornwordo would rather poke his eyes out than see her naked. Mia, feel the love.
By: Ed on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 1:40 pm
Bahahaha, that was AWESOME, I love it when people talk and switch gears in a non-sensical way.
By: J R Estelle on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 2:09 pm
I’ll go out with her but she has to come here because there’s no way in hell I’m going to California.
Oh and I agree with her completely on one point but I’ll email you with the “insider” info. since I’m not telling everyone.
By: BriteYellowGun on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 2:28 pm
Well, I feel so tragically deprived now…
By: Aaron on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 4:12 pm
wow— and I am so never drunk dialing you…
By: Professor on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 4:45 pm
katrina: she does this quite often so look for future installments in “The Mia Diatribes.”
kathryn: what ever makes you think I would do this to you or Trout? I endured years and years of torture at Mia’s hands so this was just a little taste of payback.
aaron: that was just mean. Most likely very accurate, though.
ed: Mia is an acquired taste. Sort of like kerosene. But once she works her charms on you, well…once she works them on me, I’ll let you know. Now about this serial killer you ate paste with in grade school…
j r estelle: Mia wrote the book on non-sensical. I had to pee after this conversation just from laughing at her. Laughing in a good way. Not the “Jesus Christ, what a stupid fuck” sort of way. Just so you know.
briteyellowgun: I think you two would hit it off splendidly, but be warned she’ll try to turn you. And thanks for the enlightening e-mail.
aaron: awwwwwww…you’ll feel better once I make you smile and pocket that $1,000 prize.
professor: see above comment to kathryn. ’sides, Mia is always saying she loves being mentioned in the blog. I was just making her wish come true.
By: dirk.mancuso on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 5:15 pm
“Cayenne pepper is good for the balls.”
I– I don’t know what to say.
By: Josh on Friday, October 27, 2006
at 8:04 pm
How exactly is cayenne pepper good for the balls? Only interested out of scientific curiousity, of course
GBD xx
By: gayboydiary on Saturday, October 28, 2006
at 6:13 am
Yes, it is an appropriate story for Halloween. The bullies on my bus made fun of everyone else and we got kinda used to it. A new family moved into the neighborhood. A boy and a girl. The boy was, well, let’s say big boned. So of course the guys had a field day picking on him. Also, he had a mark on his face that looked like a Small Pox vaccine. After a while they found other targets and left him to crouch in a corner and not be noticed.
A few years later while watching the news I hear a nurse at County hospital is being accused of a series of deaths. His name was Orville Lynn Majors, he was accused of killing over 60 elderly patients under his care. They exhumed bodies and after much deliberation found him guilty of only three deaths but suspected of many more. Every night for months the news would have a man or woman telling how there loved one was getting better, then a late night visit from that nice Nurse Majors and their loved one would be found dead a few hours later. It seems he injected them with Potassium which isn’t detected easily. Any way if he ever gets out of prison maybe we can have a reunion, not!
By: Ed on Saturday, October 28, 2006
at 6:22 am
Blushing… Sounds like a fun call nonetheless!
By: tornwordo on Saturday, October 28, 2006
at 6:39 am
Sean Astin…fecal matter…I never wanted those phrases joined together.
He’s still cute though.
By: Me on Saturday, October 28, 2006
at 7:35 am
As usual, laugh out loud funny. I’ll never look at Sean Astin or Tornwordo the same again.
Btw, T-man is a hottie.
By: Alan on Saturday, October 28, 2006
at 9:22 am
What makes Tornwordo hot is that he doesn’t brag that he is. (He must know it, but he doesn’t act it.)
Just like someone else I know. Hot, but doesn’t think so — which only makes them hotter.
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at 12:40 pm
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