So after Cathleen and the “oh…was that your heart?” incident of ‘92, Gregg and I settled into a routine. We had keys to each other’s places and lots of sex, but never made any acknowledgement of our relationship, either in public or in private. And I was careful to not use the “L” word.

Most Thursdays had Greg at some law thing, so I would go over after work, make dinner, tidy up, and sometimes spend the night I (9 times out of 10 that consisted of a sound pounding, followed by Greg asking me to go sleep on the sofa because he couldn’t sleep with someone else in the bed). One May night, I went over and feeling a bit too tired to cook, I decided to order a pizza instead.

As I picked up the receiver, I heard a familiar laugh. It was Gregg. I looked over my shoulder, toward the bedroom. The door was shut. Obviously he was too involved to have heard me pick up the extension. Without a word, I put the phone to my ear and did something truly reprehensible: I listened in.

Within seconds, I had ascertained that he was talking to Daniel, the love of his life who had dumped him a year before we met. Not that you could tell from all the laughing going on.

“I can’t wait to see you, Dan.”

**record scratch**

“As soon as my sister gets back with my car, I’ll be over.”

“What are you hungry for?”

“Other than you?”

Cue flirty laughter and my chest beginning to ache.

“Anything is fine,” Daniel replied, “I’m there for the company.”

“Cool. I’ll have Dirk go pick us something up. Chinese?”

“That sounds good. Oh! and have him pick up that book I told you about when he gets a chance. I want to know what you think of it.”

I had heard enough. I carefully replaced the receiver and sat there, jaw clenched, eyes focused and locked on some random spot on the floor. I remember thinking I should get up and leave before he knew I had been there. But I couldn’t get up. I could feel tears wanting to come but I didn’t cry. I just sat there listening to the voice in my head: “You know he doesn’t love you and you let him fuck you anyway. You get exactly what you deserve.”

I could hear the shower start. I don’t know how long he was in there, but eventually Gregg came out in a pair of jeans.

“Hey, how long you been here?”

“Couple of minutes,” I lied.

“Look, I got a friend visiting for the weekend, so I’d appreciate it if you’d give us some space.”

“No problem.”

“We’re going to be pretty busy, so I’d appreciate no calls or anything, okay?”

“Yep.”

“Thanks. Could you do me a couple of favors?” He didn’t even wait for a reply. He handed me a piece of paper off the table. “That’s a book I’m looking for…could you pick that up for me? And my friend should be here in about an hour. Would you mind picking up Chinese for us? I’ll call it in.”

And because I was young and incredibly stupid, and because I thought if I showed him how much I cared for him, he might care for me in return just a little, I went and got the food, then took it back to the apartment. Gregg met me at the door and took the food, pausing just long enough for a quick “Thanks…talk to you Monday.” before shutting the door in my face.

I sat in my car for a long time wondering what was wrong with me, why the only person I had ever loved would treat me that way and why I let him do it. After a while, it was clear no answer was forthcoming and it was hard to even breathe, let alone think.

I went home and spent the weekend of my 24th birthday alone.