First of all, I’d like to thank you all for coming today. The outpouring of faces both old and new is very heartwarming and encouraging, especially in light of the topic today. There is an epidemic out there, people. And as more and more are infected on a daily –hourly!– basis, it strengthens its foothold on society and the very fabric of our daily lives. There is no cure at this point, but through vigilance and common sense we can stem the tide. We can make a difference. And whether you approve of the behavior or not, I believe in my heart that more than ever we as a society –and mankind as a whole– must let go of our own personal beliefs and embrace the concept of “hate the sin, not the sinner.” For then, and only then, can we see the suffering of those afflicted and work to insure a cure is found and future generations are spared. But to do that, we must find our voices. Use them and not be afraid of offending someone or stepping on toes. This is an epidemic. And it affects us all.That said, I just want to know who in the fuck started this whole stupid goddamn practice of affected spelling and dumbass muthafucking names for babies. Step up and take your lumps, whoever you are, bitch. I know you are out there…now’s not the time to be all quiet and shit. You were one proud fucktard when you took that beautiful newborn and pinned that stupid ass, ugly, fucking misspelled name on it. Yeah, I’m referring to the individual who thought Gilguhmesh was an appropriate moniker for a child, and later an adult.

Were you on crack? Window pane acid? Black tar heroin? Seriously, I need know, because if you were, I may cut you some slack. But you, the genius who christened your adorable gurgling daughter Emily and then proceeded to spell it “Em’ uhlee”…you got some serious ass ’splaining to do. Did you think that shit was cute? funny? precious? If so, let me disspell the rumors.

No. No. And no.

What you managed to do was make teachers think you are a fucktard and your child’s future employers think s/he took the short bus to school and file their resume in the circular file. Nice fucking going, Marjorie and Phillip…Rebecca and Todd…Lila and Ned. Just because you had a name you felt was ordinary did not give you the right to pull shit out of thin air and pretend it was the original gaelic spelling or a rarely used Bible name. Cut me some slack and give me credit for having more than three firing synapses, ‘kay?

To my neighbors: Tina is pronounced TEE-nuh. Not TUH-nay-uh. All the goddamn protestations in the world are not going to make me pretend that your fragile grasp of phonetics and spelling is accepted around the globe.

To my cousin: Lacee (or as the edu-muh-cated among us spell it, “lacey”) is an adjective, not a name. Ditto Stormy — although I will give you credit for spelling that one correctly. And you do realize that if he wasn’t already a card carrying ass pirate, that that name has cemented it, right? Jesus H. Christ…Stormy.

To Melina: I really don’t know what to say to you. I mean it could be genetic…your mother left the “d” out of Melinda, so are you really to blame? I’m going to say yes, you are. If you aren’t part of the solution, you are part of the problem. And for me it is a HUGE problem that you not only named your child Miracle, but then enlisted the aid of Corky from LIFE GOES ON in spelling it. And between the meeting of the minds, you two came up with “Myrakel.” Yeah, I nearly pissed my pants laughing when I saw that on the bulletin board at work. But then I saw what you two came up with for a middle name and suddenly it was very, very sad. Muhluv. You named your child Miracle My Love and then proceeded to use every fucking letter in the alphabet plus a couple of Sioux tribal symbols to cover your bases in the spelling sweepstakes. Why not just add a few tongue clicks and a grunt to seal your kid’s fate as a trailer dwelling troglodyte? Sweet Mary mother of mercy, end the cycle, Melina! Stop the fucking madness.

And the list goes on and on and on. Brittanee…Dawnnuh…Luh’ vittakuz…Samule. And you rich and famous types, you are some fucking big time offenders. Apple…Suri…Shiloh Nouvel. You people can hire an agent, a manager, a personal assistant and a personal trainer but you can’t get goddamn spell check or google “Baby Names for Planet Earth”? You are some real pieces of work.

I could continue, ladies and gentlemen, but the vein in my temple is doing that lil throbbing thing and my eye tic is getting worse. This subtle but pervasive epidemic is growing exponentially by the second, kind of like INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS – if that had been about illiteracy and stunted creativity. Instead of marking our children for life with names that are not names under any stretch of the apparently quite limited imagination (yes, that’s you: the woman who named her child Philandra…you just used your southern drawal and mind numbing dumb-fuckery to identify your off-spring’s papa, but I digress), we should instead be looking to improve their reading skills and teaching them right from wrong (or rite from rong for you “creative” namers). Let’s pull our shit together, people. If you think Sonshyne is such a suh-weeeet fucking name, then you just trot your ass down the courthouse and use your mad naming skillz to change your own title, but in the meantime give your child a name, not a phonetic pronounciation or a crack induced shit and giggles fest punchline.

Thank you.