Forty.

Well, fuck me hard.

Doesn’t this just suck ass?

Let me see if I can’t put a lil Dirk Mancuso patented positive spin on this bitch.

Forty. Okay…it’s only twenty five more years until I get the letter telling me to keep my faggot ass working ’cause we used all the Social Security funds for a pointless war in a foreign country. Um…I can start getting prostate checks on a regular basis.

Okay, okay. Give me a second here…

Know what? I got nothing, so I am just going to pull this out of my ass and go take some Geritol.

40 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DIRK MANCUSO
(or maybe you did…)

1. I’ve never smoked a cigarette.
2. The first thing I notice about a man is his teeth.
3. Red is my favorite color.
4. I only use Splenda because the rest cause cancer in lab rats.
5. My favorite superhero is Spiderman. I’ve never gotten over the death of Gwen Stacy — old universe or Ultimate.
6. The smell of sheets fresh off the line makes me a bit randy.
7. Team Aniston.
8. I have never had a one night stand.
9. I am afraid of needles and have passed out when they take blood.
10. I can’t swim.
11. I have three half brothers I have never met.
12. Sex is not that important to me.
13. My food cannot be touching on my plate and each item is eaten completely before moving on to the next.
14. I lost my virginity at 22.
15. I am mad about hairy men.
16. My favorite flavor is vanilla. Except in the bedroom.
17. I have never tried drugs.
18. I am very superstitious and believe you can be jinxed.
19. I have only been with two men in my entire life.
20. People tell me I am funny and make them feel good, but when I go home, I am very lonely.
21. I think Martha Stewart got a raw deal.
22. Everytime I hear about a disease, I think I have the symptoms.
23. The toughest lesson I ever learned was just because you love someone, doesn’t mean they will love you back. Not even a little.
24. I have never seen any of the MATRIX movies.
25. I love thunderstorms.
26. I flunked driver’s education. Twice.
27. I do not eat seafood of any sort.
28. I worry about being alone at the end.
29. I always pay off my credit cards every month.
30. I am thinking about changing the name of this blog to “The Worst Boyfriend. EVER.”
31. I once played sick from first grade for nearly a week because I drew a picture of the teacher and made one leg too short and was convinced she was mad at me. My mother marched me in and made me tell her. I cried the whole time.
32. I do not go up to the caskets at funerals because I am afraid the corpse will pop up and grab me.
33. I don’t think I have ever been really happy.
34. I have never had a cup of coffee. I only drink water and tea.
35. I have never had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
36. Not having had children is my biggest regret in life.
37. I do not decorate. I have nothing on my walls.
38. I have been working on treatments for a couple of television series. I will never show them to anyone.
39. I do not burn candles and unplug most everything before I leave the house because I worry about fire.
40. I was never baptized.

Christ, not even a day past forty and my ability to create a cohesive post is gone. What’s next…painful rectal itching?

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.