Too Disgusting to Contemplate, Too Compelling to Ignore

Seriously, this may be the most fucked up week of snooze inducing material since the Josh Griffith/Maria Arena Bell regime took over.  It was so bad that I, Dirk Alan Mancuso, fell asleep twice during this shit.

The week started out with Vicsnoria still in a snit over Victor giving her the Beauty of Nature account back and giving Adam acquisitions.  She got so pissed off she marched into Victor’s office and quit on the spot.  Then she marched over to Jabot and got mama Nikki to hire her on.

Skye totally played David for the schmuck he is in the big poker game and he ended up $50,000 dollars in the hole.  When he told Brad he didn’t have enough to cover the check he wrote (good luck explaining that to Nikki, dumbass), Brad loaned David $100,000.

Jack hired world renowned magazine editor Jamie Whitfield to help whip the premiere issue of RESTLESS STYLE into shape.  Pity he did this 4 days before they went to press since she totally eviscerated it.

Daniel moved in with Amber and made me want to fucking hurl.

Victor asked Adam to consider moving to the ranch.

Nikki and David set a wedding date:  August 19th at the Collanade Room.

Lurch hired Jana to be her assistant at the gallery.  Way to do a background check, Lurch — Jana killed the last woman who knew anything about art who breezed into Genoa City.

Gloria and Jeffrey argued over money and the divorce.  Again.

Colleen gave Brad an advance copy of Adrian’s book.  The prof found out and blew up at Colleen since she had given him her blessing to write the damn thing last fall and use her father and grandmother’s names.  Adrian went to Brad and demanded the book back.  Brad did so, then called Michael Baldwin and hired him to file an injunction to stop the book’s publication.  Their ploy succeeded and Adrian was livid.  In response to his reaction, Colleen did what anyone would do:  she decided to accept a fellowship to Shanghai for 6 weeks.  Yes, Shanghai.  Don’t ask.

The week hit its lowest point when Victor gave Lurch a gift:  Ponytail Barbie #1 - 1958.  I’m not kidding — the Moustache bought a fucking Barbie doll:

David and Nikki came up with the idea to be the sole sponsors of a movie centering around a love story in the rainforest.  They have one month to redo all the packaging for the tie-in.  Whatever.

Adam accepted Victor’s offer.  Lurch was not pleased.

Brad conspired with Andy the Asian bookie to get David to gamble on a sure thing and get him even deeper in debt.

Victor asked Lurch to marry him.

1. How many cell phones have you had? How long have you had your current cell phone number? I’ve had 2 cell phones (like computers, I also thought they were a fad so I waited until 3 years ago to get one). I’ve had my current number a little over a year.
2. Where was the last place you had sex? On the fella’s bed.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how satisfied are you with your love life? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Oh geez — 10, I guess. And we haven’t even broke out the restraints yet…
4. Does Bliss sound like a fun game to you? Have you ever played it? Not so much (have you checked out the site? I don’t need a game to tell me when to wear my Mighty Avengers tee or when to swallow my man’s load. Geez.) No, and not really feeling the urge to break that streak, either.
5. Is there anything or anyone you would be willing to die for? I think you never really know the answer to a question like this until you are faced with the particulars, but yes — I think there are people I would give my life for. I may be a shallow, hateful bitch but when I care about you, I’d do anything for you.

***Bonus (as in optional): If you were (or had) a magic genie and could only grant wishes for others and you only had three left, what would they be and who would they be for? Patrice and DuShawn, the fella, and Lola. I’d give all of them a shitload of money to make sure they were financially secure for the rest of their lives and then some. (And yes, I would reap the benefits of making Lola a multi-billionaire since I am her only child and both the sole beneficiary and executor of her will. I’m such a crafty bastard…)

For more TMI Tuesday questions, click here.

Saw this in an otherwise litter-free gutter outside a local bookstore last night and had to stop and wonder just what the hell had been going on.

Any theories?

Okay, you all know my most embarrassing moment in the bedroom, but what’s the worst thing that’s happened to you while in the act?  What’s the one thing you’d never want your mother to know?  Or your co-workers?

Come on — don’t be shy.

You can tell me.

And don’t hold back — we’re all friends here…

Has anyone seen this:

As if I weren’t anti-pussy enough already, along comes a movie about a girl with vagina dentata.

Snatch choppers.

A carniverous vah-jay-jay.

Lovely.

I always thought those things looked like they would bite your dick off.

Whilst I was busy all morning working my fat ass off, what was Gay Daniel doing?

Certainly not any of the things I told him to do, that’s for fucking sure.

Audits? Why should he do those when Dirk will?

Fixing a MAJOR scheduling snafu I told him to correct? Um, if it doesn’t affect him why would he bother?

Contacting Human Resources about an employee’s non-existent health benefits that should have kicked in 7 months ago (and which they should have mentioned to me 6 months ago but I digress)? Uh-uh.

No, Gay Daniel did none of these.

Because he was uber busy making — are you ready? — a fucking paper clip necklace which he carefully shaped into a heart and placed a Post-It with “Daniel + Bobby” in the center of. And to make things even more gooder infuriating, he then took a pic with his cell phone and sent it to the ‘roid ragin’ gym rat object of his affection.

And why did he do this? Because he’d hurt Bobby’s “feelings” by refusing to call in sick and spend the day with him instead.

That boy is seriously lucky that “beating the shit out of goddamn idiots” is listed as a no-no in the handbook or I’d be handing his ass to him right about now.

Two posts last week generated some questions from readers via e-mail so I thought I would use this forum to expand (or not) for those of you who were too shy to come out and ask (or really not all that interested in the first place).

After the meme I did last Thursday, some of you seemed to think that Ray — not Dirk — is my real name based on my responses to the first question.

Nice try but no cigar, folks.

“Ray-Ray” was born out of necessity. As long time readers know, I work with a litany of freaks. And many of those freaks call my name on a regular basis throughout the day which has resulted in my policy of just tuning everyone out, including those who may actually need my assistance. In an effort to make myself available to the few who only say my name when it is absolutely necessary, I have instructed them to call for Ray-Ray and I respond.

Second, in regards to the fella: I am adopting an “off limits” stance on things for the most part until which time either he has come to his senses and told me to take a hike or we establish the exact nature of the relationship. Frankly, he’s pretty special and I’m trying my damnedest not to fuck this up (and discussing him/us on here would most definitely qualify as such). Thanks for understanding (or not) and please feel free to light candles in support of my ongoing efforts with this hunk.

And now a couple of questions for all of you:

1. How do I take a picture of my screen? I know it involves ALT + Prnt Scrn but I’m lost where to go after that.

2. My fucking computer erased my Mozilla toolbar with all my favorites as well as all my bookmarks (the latter for the 3rd goddamn time!) — how do I get that shit back?

Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!

The week kicks off with the “big” event in Genoa City: the christening of Reed Hellstrom. Yawnnnnnnnnnn. I suppose there was supposed to be much drama involved here, yet seemingly the writers avoided any and all chances to really play up any tensions and provide us with actual drama. For example:

J.T. ran into Adam at the GCAC and invited him to the christening, knowing full well Victoria would throw a hissy. Adam declined. Dramatic tension successfully avoided.

Nikki gave Vicsnoria one of her most prized possessions on the big day: her Bible. Yep, that’s right — the former stripper apparently is all about the Good Book and we never knew it. Stoopid fuckin’ retcon…

Nikki and Victoria arrived at the ranch only to learn that Lurch would be attending the ceremony as Victor’s date. Immediately, the ladies went into “throw down” faces…

…but it only took one “it’s my house and I invite whoever I damn please” to shut those bitches up. Dramatic tension once again avoided.

Phyllis showed up in the fugliest thing I seen her wearing in months. Does the costume department hate Michelle Stafford? Because this dress suggests they do. It makes her look like either she’s pregnant or her titties are saggin to her waist:

Lurch gave Vicsnoria a silver rattle. It looked like Ms. Hellstrom was about to go all postal on her former friend…and then didn’t. Whatever. Lurch was looking drag queen awesome, by the way:

Anyway, the pope showed up, Nick and Phyllis said some shit about how they’d always be there for the brat and that was that.

Across town, Lily’s ob/gyn was delivering the bad news that her ultrasound revealed an embryonic pregnancy — Lily wasn’t pregnasty at all; her body had reabsorbed her embryo sometime after conception and the pregnasty test had picked up on America’s Next Top Model’s increased hormone levels.

Sharon asks Nick about his opinion on the photo shoot she scheduled, Phyllis cancelled. The one Nick approved in the first place. Nick knows he’s in a tight one here and pussies his way out of it, but it’s clear it’s ONNNN between Phyllis and Sharon.

Neil comforts Lily…then promptly heads over to meet with Victor. Chicken adobo Karen shows up to get some more of her shit (how much crap did she drag over to Neil’s lil ol’ apartment any way?) and offers bland comfort. Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Adam runs into Lurch while at RESTLESS STYLE and “kids” her that facing Vicsnoria must be tough since after she caught her and Victor the other night all she can see her ex-friend in is blush and a blanket. At least Victor’s available, Lurch counters — she saw Adam ogling his brother’s wife. And mad props to Lurch for the drag queen eye shadow:

Neil and Cane bond over the loss of Lily’s baby. Whatever.

Amber shows up in one of her fugly dresses. Realizing Sharon hates it, Phyllis tells Amber to wear her own shit to work every day. Sharon is pissed.

Vicsnoria tells Nikki she is trying to forgive Victor and Lurch but it’s hard. “Lot of wisdom in here,” Nikki says smugly as she holds up her Bible. It hurts to watch this shit.

Phyllis and Sharon clash when Sharon cancels an article on vintage clothing to piss her rival off.

Amber is dismayed when Daniel says he prefers the “here and now” thing they have, rather than getting into a real commitment.

Felicia Forrester is thrilled with Lily’s photo shoot and wants to use her more.

When Nikki has to tweak a Jabot ad for RESTLESS STYLE, Vicsnoria gives her opinion. NIck says his sis should go work for Jabot. Please don’t encourage this bitch to think she’s special.

Daniel hits on Amber at the office. No more sex for you, she screams in front of everyone in the RESTLESS STYLE offices.  They need to fire this bitch.

Cane tells Jill and Kay Lily lost the baby.

David informs his natural oils guy that Jill has refused their deal. The rep asks if David shared his kick-back with her. My fiancee is in charge, David tells him — I’ll see what I can do.

Victor tells Neil he’s decided to give Adam acquisitions and would like Neil to mentor him.

Amber and Daniel make up. Ack.

Adam leaves a gift for Reed on Vicsnoria’s porch. It’s a cross. Because jewelry is so age appropriate for an infant. What a putz.

Amber thinks she is Phyllis’s new best friend. She tells Phyllis that she wants to be with Daniel FOREVER. Phyllis nearly has a meltdown when she hears this.

Gloria learns that adopting a baby from overseas could take months, maybe years. She tells the lawyer to forget it.

Victor tells Vicsnoria he’s giving Beauty of Nature back to her. She’s thrilled until she learns that he is giving acquisitions to Adam. The greedy bitch wants both. Victor tells her Adam is very qualified — he graduated 2nd in his class at Harvard. Hmmmm — I think I heard that somewhere before…

Adam’s ex, Skye, shows up at his hotel room door.

David runs in to Brad at the GCAC and gets him to invite him to his poker game Friday night.

Jeffrey asks Jack to let Gloria move in to the pool house. Jack says no.

Cane and Lily have lunch. He’s not happy she isn’t taking time to grieve.

Skye goes to the GCAC bar and Brad sniffs around her immediately. She wrangles an invite to his Friday night poker party. She tells Adam she grooves on the thrill and the risk of it.

Adam goes to Vicsnoria about a company he would like Newman Enterprises to acquire. Fuck you, she tells him. Adam says he’ll do ask their daddy. Christ, what a pair.

Gloria asks the GCAC doorman if he has seen Jeffrey — there is a new party staying in his room. He tells Gloria that Mr. Bardwell checked out the night before with no forwarding info.

Alistair goes to the Chancellor Estate to see Jill. The Cryptkeeper and the drunk are shocked to see Jeffrey come down in his bathrobe.

Lily throws herself back into her work much to Cane’s dismay.

Kay asks Jill why she brought Bardwell to the mansion. Jill says she’s hoping he’ll trust them, let his guard down, and they’ll finally find out what he’s got on Gloria.

Amber goes to see the Cryptkeeper who tells her Lily lost the baby. Amber asks Kay how you go from friends to lovers. “Let yourself love completely,” Kay tells her.

Alistair busts his ass to tell Gloria that her husband is staying with Jill. “That sin of a bitch isn’t getting away with this,” Gloria hisses.

Esther goes bowling.

Victor agrees to purchase the company Adam wants. He tells his son about the changes he’s making. Vicsnoria is pissed. She confronts Adam, telling him that Victor only bought the company because he feels guilty for ignoring Adam as a child. “You just hate competetion,” Adam tells his bitchy half sis, “your brother wasn’t any. I’m another story…”

Amber tells Daniel Lily lost the baby.  Just sky write it already, people.

It’s Nick and Phyllis’s 1st anniversary and Nick is showering her with gifts. Sharon gets upset and goes home for the day. Jack finds here there and comforts her. I don’t know why it bothers me that it bothers me nearly 3 years after Cassie’s death, the bimbo whines.

Adam and Sky get a little.

Victoria asks Neil’s opinion of Adam. Winters says he thinks Adam is bright and brings a lot to the table, adding that despite his bloodline, Victor will hold Adam to the same standards as everyone else.

Adam thanks Victor for seeing things his way about the company. Succeed and Victoria will come around, the Moustache tells him, fail and you’ll answer to both of us…

Jeffrey tells Gloria that he started out trying to get the money Jeffrey left her (it was his uncle’s and should have been his but instead William got it all), but despite his best efforts he fell for her. He begs Gloria to admit her feelings but she ain’t budging. “I’ve survived the loss of 2 husbands I loved — I can survive the loss of 1 I hate.”

Nikki and Jill get into it when JIll vetoes everything Nikki wants to do. When Nikki demands the micro managing stop, Jill tells her it’s not going to stop until she’s confident the company is in good hands and if she has a problem with it, she knows what she can do.

Paul and Lauren have their 24th un-anniversary and relive the good times in their brief marriage. Like the time Lauren sent the nude pics of him and he was the centerfold in that magazine.

Karen tries to talk to Neil at work. He’s a total dick to her.

Brad goes to Jill with a proposal for a men’s line. John was my mentor, Brad tells her, anything you need me to do I’m there…

Gloria isn’t sure why her karma isn’t changing. Lauren tells her she has to do something good that lasts. She can’t just volunteer at the soup kitchen for an afternoon.

Nikki confides to Paul that she thinks David is gambling again.

At Brad’s, David is gambling again. Skye pretends to play dumb, but she has her eye on David.

Nick surprises Phyllis with a song from Trace Atkins. If I were Phyllis, I’d punch Nick in the kitten.

Gloria meets with her lawyer, telling him that as a wealthy woman she has to put her money to good use. Therefore she wants to make a sizeable donation to charity: one half of everything she owns…

At the Chancellor Estate, Jeffrey meets with his lawyer. He wants to start divorce proceedings immediately…and he wants one half of everything Gloria has. Jill enters and hears this.

Phyllis notices Nick is wearing a bolo tie (like he did in New Mexico when they got married). “Are you getting your memory back?” she asks. Bits and pieces, Nick tells her, but even if he never gets it back he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Phyllis is thrilled: that’s what he said at their wedding. This is the best present ever. They kiss. Ack.

1. Early bird or night owl? Night owl for sure. In fact, I’ve been dragging my ass home at sunrise as of late…
2. Where was the first place you ever had sex? On Gregg’s waterbed.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) Geez — I’m not really sure I even know what “happy” is. I do know that right now I feel sort of giddy and anxious whenever I’m around the fella, so maybe a 6 or a 7…is that bad? Should I be “happier”?
4. Are you more submissive or dominant? It depends on the dynamic at the time. I’m not opposed to either role and know that with the right partner you can be both (sometimes at the same time…)
5. Do you believe in love at first sight? I used to, but along with older I’ve also gotten wiser. I think there is instant attraction at first sight, but love? Nah. Love is something you nurture and let grow and see where it takes you.  Oh what do I know? — I’ve always been told I’m too practical for my own good.

***Bonus (as in optional): Describe your bed time habits. What side do you sleep on? What do you usual wear? Any night time rituals? I always brush my teeth, do a fluoride rinse, then strip nakey (in the summer) and get on the right side of the bed.  I usually fall asleep on my back (9 times out of 10 I read before going to sleep), then alternate between sleeping on my sides.